Haunted by wife's past.

[You Go Girl]

My god. I know that you don't see how you appear to others. It is extremely disturbing. I am afraid for you wife. I hope you can keep yourself from hurting her physically.

Please seek individual counseling on a regular basis.

 

I don't know if she's a train wreck. But I'm going to be completely honest here --and this is not said to hurt your feelings--

but YOU are a train wreck in progress--going full speed ahead.

 

You are very scary. Your desire to posess your wife completely is so out of line with respect for her individuality as a person that it smacks of severe and utter control.

 

She's lazy and watches tv? Maybe she finds tv as rewarding as you find riding your bike. Judge not lest you be judged. Who are you to say what she does with her free time, anymore than you do with your free time?

 

She has admitted she is nothing without you? Please, stop, immediately with this thinking. There isn't a person on the planet who is nothing without you.

Have you hit her?

[dreamingoftigers]

OMG it has a name finally. I did a google search and this is what I needed. Thank You for not beating me up and making me defensive like so many people seem to do. I feel hope from the last two posts. Once again THANK YOU for giving us something we can work with. OCD was discussed in my past counseling but if I am then I am not typically what you may think of (washing hands, etc.). They never did anything about it any further and I was too ignorant to pursue.

 

I really hope that you take a look into co-dependency as well because the more you post, the more I hear it. Good luck

[looking_back]

My god. I know that you don't see how you appear to others. It is extremely disturbing. I am afraid for you wife. I hope you can keep yourself from hurting her physically.

Please seek individual counseling on a regular basis.

 

I don't know if she's a train wreck. But I'm going to be completely honest here --and this is not said to hurt your feelings--

but YOU are a train wreck in progress--going full speed ahead.

 

You are very scary. Your desire to posess your wife completely is so out of line with respect for her individuality as a person that it smacks of severe and utter control.

 

She's lazy and watches tv? Maybe she finds tv as rewarding as you find riding your bike. Judge not lest you be judged. Who are you to say what she does with her free time, anymore than you do with your free time?

 

She has admitted she is nothing without you? Please, stop, immediately with this thinking. There isn't a person on the planet who is nothing without you.

Have you hit her?

 

 

No I have never hurt my wife . Come and live in my shoes before you comment. The term is retroactive jealously as I have found out it is a medical condition that is common. The verbal abuse I endure from people like you is over. My wife and I are going to get the proper help we need now that someone provide a path we can follow. I know that I should not expect anything more from starting a thread on the internet, but it did pay off as when I read the definition of retroactive jealousy it is me. You need to probably be careful what you give for advice you give as the person on the other end is a PERSON. If this was 2003 and I was deep in anxiety and depression your post along with the other beatings I have taken (as I feel I have to get defensive) might have just been the post that made me kill myself before I received the moderate and piss poor help I did get. It did keep me from killing myself but provided nothing for my future. In other words screw you and consider your own actions. You may just post fuel to someones painful fire. I am going to give the proper thanks to those who helped and quit this thread. You are not giving good advice or comments to someone who already feels misunderstood and had low self-esteem. Please be careful in the future.

[looking_back]

I really hope that you take a look into co-dependency as well because the more you post, the more I hear it. Good luck

 

 

Yes I am and I already have. THANK YOU. I have taken (from my view) an undeserved beating from this thread but THANKS to these two posts I have the help I need to get going. People make me very defensive and thanks again for the mind opening insight. You and Enigma are probably going to have helped save my marriage and more. I am not so stupid to not pursue treatment and want this to be gone and dealt with.

[Cinnamon2000]

No I have never hurt my wife . Come and live in my shoes before you comment. The term is retroactive jealously as I have found out it is a medical condition that is common. The verbal abuse I endure from people like you is over. My wife and I are going to get the proper help we need now that someone provide a path we can follow. I know that I should not expect anything more from starting a thread on the internet, but it did pay off as when I read the definition of retroactive jealousy it is me. You need to probably be careful what you give for advice you give as the person on the other end is a PERSON. If this was 2003 and I was deep in anxiety and depression your post along with the other beatings I have taken (as I feel I have to get defensive) might have just been the post that made me kill myself before I received the moderate and piss poor help I did get. It did keep me from killing myself but provided nothing for my future. In other words screw you and consider your own actions. You may just post fuel to someones painful fire. I am going to give the proper thanks to those who helped and quit this thread. You are not giving good advice or comments to someone who already feels misunderstood and had low self-esteem. Please be careful in the future.

 

Do NOT response to post that you think is going to effect you negatively.

 

There are some helpful advice here as you have seen. By posting and seeing responses, you might get different perspective and "aha" moments.

[Green]

If you really can't get over this and would rather leave ur wife u should. I personaly would be bothered by something in a persons past I didn't agree with but if I love that person I would get over it. You seem to be having other problems with your wife like you feel she is lazy, just make sure you talk to your wife in a peaceful way to avoid fights that will solve nothing.

[looking_back]

Do NOT response to post that you think is going to effect you negatively.

 

There are some helpful advice here as you have seen. By posting and seeing responses, you might get different perspective and "aha" moments.

 

Understood, You are correct that I am a better person thanks to this loveshack experience. There is a fine line to all this though. I am also so desperate to talk to ANYONE about this as it is my secret (wife thinks I am "cured" from 2004) and probably overtyped and over responded. Now I just feel guilty that the family has to maybe deal with "MY" treatment and just overall defective. I think plenty of these poster are unfortunately the blind leading the blind in some cases.

[looking_back]

If you really can't get over this and would rather leave ur wife u should. I personaly would be bothered by something in a persons past I didn't agree with but if I love that person I would get over it. You seem to be having other problems with your wife like you feel she is lazy, just make sure you talk to your wife in a peaceful way to avoid fights that will solve nothing.

 

Thank You I will and we have in the past talked things over. I might not seem like it but our marriage is strong. We have been through the following together in the past, job loss 2001, bankruptcy 2001, being sued by creditors 2005, pre-term birth 2003 (everything is fine now, beautiful boy), my jealousy (2003 to present (even though it is a secret that it exists), daughter born with william syndrome 2006, daughters many cardiac-catherizations and open heart and many other issues 2007-present, Normal birth of our son 2007 (normal yet still stressful), Building a house in the recession 2008, Daughter #2 being born 2009, me deciding to stay at home and be a house dad based on the money she makes 2006, swine flu put my first born son in the hospital for a week with severe complications needed two operations (mastoidectomy / epidural abcess) 2009, daughter #1 got C.diff infection and was 10% dehydrated and hospitialized (2010).

 

If has always been a full plate for us since marriage. Please everyone please I am not going to hurt my wife or kids. I have gone many years without proper diagnosis and Monday I am starting to find the help I (we) need. I had low self esteem when we met, guess what she did too. We still both have low self esteem and are exhausted. I can honestly say she needs help too. Not for jealousy but because she is on a self destructive course of bad eating, etc. (most americans are). When I say that it shows how much I care. I want her around for our grand-kids. It does not mean that I will turn to abuse or anything else for that matter. It is fine for me to criticize my wife for her own self destructive nature. Yes, I know it is not fair to criticize my wifes sexual past. I have always known that and it has been the bone of contention this whole time. Understand I can't completely beat it out of my head and now I have a name for it actually two names for it "retroactive jealousy" and "co-dependency".

 

We do not get a break ever it seems but I can easily stand up and say we are meant for each other. Plenty of people would have been divorced long ago.

 

I completely agree that the best thing to do is leave the situation if it is out of hand. This is not out of hand and I think we finally got the light we needed to move ahead.

[looking_back]

See? You have brought a lifetime of baggage into this marriage.

 

It is not over and done because you're using your wife's past as the focal point for that lifetime of hurt. Maybe it's easier to focus on her past instead of dealing with your baggage, but hating her for having casual sex isn't going to make you feel better about your lifetime of hurt.

 

Agreed, Thank You.

[looking_back]

Dude, I feel your pain!

 

 

Sounds like you have some heavy trauma too. I would totally look up counselors that do EMDR. It will help with the trauma feelings for your wife and your childhood (I strongly suspect there is something in your childhood too).

 

Furthermore, take a look at The Twelve Steps for Co-dependents. Co-dependents expect those who are in relationships with them to be there emotional regulators. (It isn't just about addiction, by far) If EVERYONE in your life hurts you, hun, is it because YOU have the issue. People do tons of stupid things, tons and tons of stupid things. They just do them, they don't do them to hurt you. You cannot expect anyone else to take care of this for you. READ THE BOOK! Because seriously this problem smacks of co-dependency and you are going to be in some serious pain until you fix it. Being co-dependent was the hardest thing I had to admit to myself.

 

It was hard for me not to be hurt over my partner's past. I am glad someone out there understands what I was feeling too. Most people these days don't seem to get it because there aren't enough people with high sexual standards and expectations.

 

 

dreamingoftigers

 

You don't have to tell me, but did you receive treatment. I am really understanding the co-dependent thing and think it fits. I like to think that if my Wife and I build each other up from low self esteem we may kick this. We have had such a bad couple of experiences from therapists that I don't want to repeat. The first time they just made sure I was not going to kill myself and gave me a prescription for anti-depressant. the next guy split us apart and start using things that hurt against each of us. He acted like my wife was just perfect and I was just a horrible person for what I was doing to her by bringing up her past and being upset. It was NOT what we needed at the time and were both disturbed. It was very costly too. I got over it and moved on with life with just minor upsets until now. Even now is very minor compared to 2003 but I don't want it to grow out of control. Any input appreciated. Looking for the book now.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am in the process of receiving treatment and so is my husband.

 

Things have been VERY rocky for us the past year.

 

The most helpful thing thus far has been EMDR. It helps to heal and integrate the childhood trauma. I wish I could EMDR the world. It isn't magic or anything but it is very intense (not in a scary way).

 

If you are able to PM me then please do.

 

It took my therapist a LONG time to convince me that I was part of the problem. I have had to learn the hard way to self-regulate. The other thing that helped my moods was Fish Oils. Omega 3. I get mine from Nutra-Sea. I have taken them on and off for almost two years and when I take them it is much easier not to fall into depression. Also, no side effects and smoother skin!

 

I know what it is like to have a family with challenges. My younger brother and sister are both autistic and my brother had heart failure at 15 which led to him being brain damaged. I spent most of my life being let known that my needs were not as important as others. It makes you want to spent the rest of your life fixing other's problems. BUT YOU CAN'T. It sucks, but you can't. It is also a relief when you realize that them screwing themselves up is not your fault or responsibility. That's where the co-dependency thing comes in, you also expect others to meet your emotional needs by being healed themselves. The cognitive part of this may not be able to integrate itself without the EMDR though. My life has changed to be happier because of it despite my own misgivings about my relationship. At least I am not radiating pain all of the time, which I gather you are.

 

People who are healthier often have a hard time understanding people who have been injured on the emotional level. The common thinking is "I deal with that everyday, get over it." I have gone through so many counselors and they will often suggest cognitive changes before taking time to heal the trauma.

 

If you can soon, Personal Message me and I will give you the name of my therapist, she may be able to recommend someone in your area. She is about to become a published author!

[looking_back]

If you are able to PM me then please do.

 

 

I don't have PM access yet or don't know how to use it. This is my first "thread" ever anywhere for anything. It was a desperation move that paid off. I did find an emdr website that lists professionals certified. I will follow up with that and see if anything is covered by insurance. In a search for answers curious of your input on can two co-dependents exist together? My wife can answer yes to more of the "am i codependent" questions than I can. Silly question I know but I feel that it is not all me who needs some help. I say that at the risk of being flamed and asked if I hurt my wife by people who don't understand. Sorry sarcasm is my specialty.

 

Thanks again I have read your posts multiple times to extract all I can.

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't have PM access yet or don't know how to use it. This is my first "thread" ever anywhere for anything. It was a desperation move that paid off. I did find an emdr website that lists professionals certified. I will follow up with that and see if anything is covered by insurance. In a search for answers curious of your input on can two co-dependents exist together? My wife can answer yes to more of the "am i codependent" questions than I can. Silly question I know but I feel that it is not all me who needs some help. I say that at the risk of being flamed and asked if I hurt my wife by people who don't understand. Sorry sarcasm is my specialty.

 

Thanks again I have read your posts multiple times to extract all I can.

 

 

Oh yes two co-dependents can exist with one another. My H and I are classic examples of that. If I am upset, he is upset. Co-dependency is being unable to self-regulate emotions. Often two co-dependents will cleave together and hope for the other to become happy so that they both can be. Unfortunately the relationship is unstable and one will often drag down the other. I had an ex that when I asked why he wasn't happy he responded "because you aren't happy." I said I wasn't happy because he wasn't and he told me that I would have to go first!

 

Something tells me that both you and your wife have some self-regulation problems (esp if she sits around watching tv a lot. My vice is posting on here and being on the computer, my H and I actually starting typing in a half-password each so that we can only go on here if we are both home so that we don't abuse it in various ways).

 

How is your home, is it untidy, or are there a lot of unfinished projects? Finances unstable? Instability in general. It seems like there is high-stress and probably some drama. I know that circumstance can create some but often a mindset can create most of it, or can make coping with it very difficult. When one is co-dependent one wastes their power and energy over things they cannot control, such as your wife's past. It is nothing you nor her can change, but you have invested a TON of emotional energy into it, probably without even realizing.

 

Your wife may need help, maybe even more then you, but let's say the problem is 60% hers and 40% yours, if you solve most of your problems, could you imagine you marriage being 35% better? That's huge! Sorry dude, but even if your wife is the issue, you gotta go first!

[You Go Girl]

I apologize for offending you.

I hope that if there is a medical answer to part of this, that you successfully find it.

I applaud your efforts to get to the bottom of it all.

I did not accuse you of hurting your wife, but I did ask if you had.

I won't comment on your thread again as I have offended you, and I hope it all works out, and I mean that.

[jenifer1972]

Dreaming of Tigers and Enigma, I agree with the OP that your posts are so helpful. New information and a new way to look at things. I also have a husband with a wild past that has been difficult to get over. Am going to look up this retrograde jealousy thing.

[MichelleZB]

Dude, your wife had a bit of sex 20 years ago. Do whatever you have to do to get over it, because it is not a big deal. Good luck.

[norajane]

As far as my view on sex don't worry about it I am truly a scientist and engineer. I also know the composition of male sperm. I know a lot about the entire body. I am the kid that took everything apart to learn about it.

Before my two year old had 6-hour open heart surgery I learned everything I could about it to cope. It is how I work and I am proud to use my brain.

I also believe that if people viewed things more scientifically they may make different decisions.

But you had such a debilitating and nearly deadly emotional reaction to your wife having casual sex years ago, to the point you are still messed up about it years after finding out.

 

How is the scientific view informing your decisions here? It is only serving to torment you on yet another level.

Edited April 25, 2010 by norajane

[Blindsidedagainalive]

Many people on this board have been affected by INFIDELITY.

 

I WISH I ONLY HAD TO WORRY ABOUT THE SEX SHE HAD BEFORE WE MET.

 

I, like MANY on this board have to think about the sex our spouses had AFTER meeting.

 

For me...she was having sex with a coworker WEEKLY for six months........22 years into our relationship.

 

You want to talk about bad thoughts?

 

Go get help ASAP, and I would recommend your own therapy.

Do not bring your wife into this with you.

You need your own help.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes infidelity suck big time too, but one thing at a time....

[SavannahSmiles]

I recently told my H that I had 73 partners before him. Considering we met when I was 19, he was a little concerned. I told him that it was just a hobby because it was. It is amazing how one person can change your whole outlook on life. He now expects a little more of me in bed..lol

[Cinnamon2000]

Many people on this board have been affected by INFIDELITY.

 

I WISH I ONLY HAD TO WORRY ABOUT THE SEX SHE HAD BEFORE WE MET.

 

I, like MANY on this board have to think about the sex our spouses had AFTER meeting.

 

For me...she was having sex with a coworker WEEKLY for six months........22 years into our relationship.

 

You want to talk about bad thoughts?

 

Go get help ASAP, and I would recommend your own therapy.

Do not bring your wife into this with you.

You need your own help.

 

Are you still with your wife and happily married?

[Blindsidedagainalive]

We are still together, 2.5 years after her 6 month affair with a manager at work.

 

I am not happy because the thoughts consume me daily.

 

She wants to reconcile via sweeping it under the rug.

 

That is unacceptable to me.

 

So, we are still living together in the house we own, but neither has made a move toward a permanent split.

 

The reasons.....(or excuses).

 

1.) both unemployed

2.) i am unwilling to part with my house

3.) we share a dog we both want

4.) we love each other.......although i am unable to forgive her cheating.

[looking_back]

Sorry dude, but even if your wife is the issue, you gotta go first!

 

I am going to go first to an EMDR certified clinical counselor (teacher of EMDR & published author of EMDR primer) if everything works out well. I think I had her a a psychology teacher in college. I am worried that it will not work out and I can't accept another person to help who does not understand the problem to try and help us. I am sure that I have emotional trauma and am hoping once again I can get the help that I need. From what I understand this problem may not disappear ever, but any improvement would be just that an improvement. I hope it is not overkill, but Thanks again what you have given us (I have shared things with my wife).

[looking_back]

Dreaming of Tigers and Enigma, I agree with the OP that your posts are so helpful. New information and a new way to look at things. I also have a husband with a wild past that has been difficult to get over. Am going to look up this retrograde jealousy thing.

 

 

Jenifer1972 - If you fit the mold for being a perfectionist and / or idealist then you need to keep on learning what you can. I have found hundreds of men and women with the same EXACT problem. It all makes some sense now as I am taking my wife's past (let say it is a square) and my mind is doing everything it can to get that square crammed into the perfect circle my mind wants it to fit into. It will never fit. My mind will keep banging that square into that circle to try and make some sense of all this. You can NOT reason yourself out of this turmoil, maybe with the right help --> let's hope. Compound that with the fact that I have always had problems low self esteem, getting picked on, having to watch my older siblings use ALL the mental-physical-financial resources for many years, co-dependency, possibly sexual abuse and the list probably goes on..... I am mentally doomed to maybe never get over such a trivial thing as my wifes past sex life. My mind just keeps on clicking to torment me. I cleared it up for awhile or so I thought, but ended up mental degrading my views on sex just to cope. I recently have had events that made me want to switch back to my "old" views (idealist / perfectionist....remember). It all came back but I knew a little better how to fight it. 2003/2004 was such misery that a person could not help to learn from it or die trying. Anyway, don't under estimate this thing.... If you get unwanted mental images of your husband having sex, or the like, then I would bet that retroactive jealousy has it's nasty grasp on you too. Especially if these images won't go away completely. If you have unreal mental pain, cry with every bit of energy your body has left, want to go cheat so bad to fix this that your body aches, you are dealing with retroactive jealousy and probably other issues. Nobody will understand it except people who are experiencing it. They will give you the usual "just let it go", "it made them a better person", my favorite "they chose you" -or- "they are with you now". That will make you madder than hell. You will be the Frankenstein running for the safety of the woods as the angry mob runs with their torches after you for bringing up such a thing. Fight it if you find you have it. Keep things real and remember to stay calm. I swallowed a bottle of Trazadone, had to be wrestled down to keep from the old running car in the closed garage trick from taking my life. I would leave out the backdoor as my wife came in the frontdoor then make sure my newborn son was safe thought the window. Then leave crying in pain and walk the railroad tracks trying to sort it all out. I apologize for such a long post, but it has hit me hard this evening after having a wonder day with my wonder wife and kids.

[looking_back]

But you had such a debilitating and nearly deadly emotional reaction to your wife having casual sex years ago, to the point you are still messed up about it years after finding out.

 

How is the scientific view informing your decisions here? It is only serving to torment you on yet another level.

 

 

You need to search for retroactive jealousy and read the info and posts of the probably hundreds of men and women who suffer at various levels. It can NEVER be fully understood by anyone who does not have it. Yes, HAVE IT , I an convinced it can be settled down, but that a person will die with it. I just hope my last thought on earth is not my mind tormenting itself with a picture of my wife having sex. It has driven me to research things like what happens to sperm, what is in sperm, as I am so put off by the fact of unprotected one night stands I haunt myself with it. It is a medical condition, I could not convince anyone of that in 2003, but now I have the knowledge to know that I am NOT crazy or wrong. I need to get proper help to deal with it. It seems to be OCD "type" in nature. It is illogical and makes no sense. I am convinced that it is from a person who is already an idealist or perfectionist, has a trauma stress disorder for whatever reason, and lastly REALLY loves their companion. The perfect storm is created for your mind to fight itself. When I hear "If you really love her, then you would not be worried about it." or "Just let it go" my brain does not get it.. "that would be highly illogical (spock)" I understand where you all are coming from, I really do, but the harder I try to apply such logic my mind fights me stronger. I see graphic image slideshows of positions I know my wife was never in, the guys she was with are all unknown to me so instead of the little dweeb she was really with I can see Apollo. This can go on for 24/7 and cause anger, hate, sadness, pain, rage, the list goes on. One last thing for the record if I am driving let's say I still see a stop sign, my true vision is not replaced by these images. They are distracting and disturbing, so if I run through the stop sign it would be because of that.