Haunted by wife's past.

[looking_back]

I recently told my H that I had 73 partners before him. Considering we met when I was 19, he was a little concerned. I told him that it was just a hobby because it was. It is amazing how one person can change your whole outlook on life. He now expects a little more of me in bed..lol

 

 

You don't get it and that is alright. Nothing to be proud of and I hope it does not come back to bite you on the arse. Oh wait you have probably done that already.

Edited April 27, 2010 by looking_back

[jenifer1972]

Lookingback, your last posts are really also giving me new insights I have never come across before.

 

Yes, I am perfectionistic. And very intelligent, a scientist also (medicine), so my mind wants to analyze everything to death... I wasn't naturally a perfectionist, but my father pretty much beat it in to me as a kid in so many ways, physical and emotional. My family was ridiculously conservative, and constantly preaching to me negative views on sexuality.

 

Interestingly this problem did not bother me at all in my first marriage. I didn't care at all about his past. I knew some of his past girfriends. No big deal. They were the past and I was totally content to leave it there...Could have said exactly what a lot of posters say here - doesn't matter, past is past, on and on..... Then came, as you so aptly put it, the PERFECT STORM...

 

that was... my second marriage. MUCH stronger feelings, plus he had been a real playboy-about 50 partners, (one marriage but a lot of STR, ONS, a threesome..). Didn't really bother me at first, but then I caught him by chance checking his secret Myspace where he had FIVE ex'es, online 'penpals' and pics of them all....

 

I went ballistic (inside) and a bit at him too actually. He kept in touch with them not with it in mind that he would go back, but I could tell from their posts, they would take him back in a heartbeat. I felt like I had stumbled upon his secret 'treasure chest of women past' that he had purposefully hid from me.

 

This really set my mind into a spiral of thinking about him and other women. That and a few other indescretions on the internet (such as signing up for a membership on ALT.com after we were engaged, albeit a fake ID in a different state so he could surf the site more, finding some old profiles he had on hook up sites..with the women absolutely fawning over his profile.....) I also started to imagine him with these women, having seen pics of them, and feeling like I could never measure up with my meager history, feeling he belonged to 'that world of exciting hookups, ONS, etc" and that I was a boring prude and the most I could do is press my boring nose against the glass and be an onlooker of that exciting world that they all inhabited...As you know, the mind starts to really play tricks...

 

Now I feel my mind is starting to get into bad loops...picturing what he might have done with 'them' when we are together, also having the irrational feeling that if I 'evened the score and increased my numbers' I would feel better. As you said, I KNOW it is irrational, but it is hard to turn off. Rationally KNOWING something like this is not real and stopping your mind from GOING THERE are TWO TOTALLY DIFFERENT THINGS!!! ARRRGHH.!

 

I have gone into therapy over this issue alone, because I know it is my issue and not his, but it is SO HARD. My mind constantly wants to slip into that thinking...it's terrible. I also was relieved to find the term that totally represents this problem and read some of what others have written on the internet...

[dreamingoftigers]

Lookingback, your last posts are really also giving me new insights I have never come across before.

 

Yes, I am perfectionistic. And very intelligent, a scientist also (medicine), so my mind wants to analyze everything to death... I wasn't naturally a perfectionist, but my father pretty much beat it in to me as a kid in so many ways, physical and emotional. My family was ridiculously conservative, and constantly preaching to me negative views on sexuality.

 

Interestingly this problem did not bother me at all in my first marriage. I didn't care at all about his past. I knew some of his past girfriends. No big deal. They were the past and I was totally content to leave it there...Could have said exactly what a lot of posters say here - doesn't matter, past is past, on and on..... Then came, as you so aptly put it, the PERFECT STORM...

 

that was... my second marriage. MUCH stronger feelings, plus he had been a real playboy-about 50 partners, (one marriage but a lot of STR, ONS, a threesome..). Didn't really bother me at first, but then I caught him by chance checking his secret Myspace where he had FIVE ex'es, online 'penpals' and pics of them all....

 

I went ballistic (inside) and a bit at him too actually. He kept in touch with them not with it in mind that he would go back, but I could tell from their posts, they would take him back in a heartbeat. I felt like I had stumbled upon his secret 'treasure chest of women past' that he had purposefully hid from me.

 

This really set my mind into a spiral of thinking about him and other women. That and a few other indescretions on the internet (such as signing up for a membership on ALT.com after we were engaged, albeit a fake ID in a different state so he could surf the site more, finding some old profiles he had on hook up sites..with the women absolutely fawning over his profile.....) I also started to imagine him with these women, having seen pics of them, and feeling like I could never measure up with my meager history, feeling he belonged to 'that world of exciting hookups, ONS, etc" and that I was a boring prude and the most I could do is press my boring nose against the glass and be an onlooker of that exciting world that they all inhabited...As you know, the mind starts to really play tricks...

 

Now I feel my mind is starting to get into bad loops...picturing what he might have done with 'them' when we are together, also having the irrational feeling that if I 'evened the score and increased my numbers' I would feel better. As you said, I KNOW it is irrational, but it is hard to turn off. Rationally KNOWING something like this is not real and stopping your mind from GOING THERE are TWO TOTALLY DIFFERENT THINGS!!! ARRRGHH.!

 

I have gone into therapy over this issue alone, because I know it is my issue and not his, but it is SO HARD. My mind constantly wants to slip into that thinking...it's terrible. I also was relieved to find the term that totally represents this problem and read some of what others have written on the internet...

 

I totally get this. It is so weird because in reality my H really struck out with online dating. I don't have any evidence of a single hookup and I think that most of the profiles he responded to are actually fake. Yet I kept envisioning this steamy sex stuff with these beautiful women. LOL It VERY MOST LIKELY NEVER EVEN HAPPENED>

 

It is so difficult because I just look at him like he is a dirty slut. I don't want him to touch me again or see my private parts because they won't measure up.

[dreamingoftigers]

Jenifer1972 - If you fit the mold for being a perfectionist and / or idealist then you need to keep on learning what you can. I have found hundreds of men and women with the same EXACT problem. It all makes some sense now as I am taking my wife's past (let say it is a square) and my mind is doing everything it can to get that square crammed into the perfect circle my mind wants it to fit into. It will never fit. My mind will keep banging that square into that circle to try and make some sense of all this. You can NOT reason yourself out of this turmoil, maybe with the right help --> let's hope. Compound that with the fact that I have always had problems low self esteem, getting picked on, having to watch my older siblings use ALL the mental-physical-financial resources for many years, co-dependency, possibly sexual abuse and the list probably goes on..... I am mentally doomed to maybe never get over such a trivial thing as my wifes past sex life. My mind just keeps on clicking to torment me. I cleared it up for awhile or so I thought, but ended up mental degrading my views on sex just to cope. I recently have had events that made me want to switch back to my "old" views (idealist / perfectionist....remember). It all came back but I knew a little better how to fight it. 2003/2004 was such misery that a person could not help to learn from it or die trying. Anyway, don't under estimate this thing.... If you get unwanted mental images of your husband having sex, or the like, then I would bet that retroactive jealousy has it's nasty grasp on you too. Especially if these images won't go away completely. If you have unreal mental pain, cry with every bit of energy your body has left, want to go cheat so bad to fix this that your body aches, you are dealing with retroactive jealousy and probably other issues. Nobody will understand it except people who are experiencing it. They will give you the usual "just let it go", "it made them a better person", my favorite "they chose you" -or- "they are with you now". That will make you madder than hell. You will be the Frankenstein running for the safety of the woods as the angry mob runs with their torches after you for bringing up such a thing. Fight it if you find you have it. Keep things real and remember to stay calm. I swallowed a bottle of Trazadone, had to be wrestled down to keep from the old running car in the closed garage trick from taking my life. I would leave out the backdoor as my wife came in the frontdoor then make sure my newborn son was safe thought the window. Then leave crying in pain and walk the railroad tracks trying to sort it all out. I apologize for such a long post, but it has hit me hard this evening after having a wonder day with my wonder wife and kids.

 

The "they are with you now" gets me, esp if you think they are longing for the other, because it must have been so illicit and fun grrrr.....

[looking_back]

Yes, I am perfectionistic. And very intelligent, a scientist also (medicine), so my mind wants to analyze everything to death..

 

 

Now I feel my mind is starting to get into bad loops...picturing what he might have done with 'them' when we are together, also having the irrational feeling that if I 'evened the score and increased my numbers' I would feel better.

 

I have gone into therapy over this issue alone, because I know it is my issue and not his, but it is SO HARD.

 

 

Did you interrogate him to death about details? I know I did my wife. I was so smooth and reassuring to her that it would not bother me. I thought the more I knew the more I could put the puzzle back together for my mind and even for her as most of her experience was not the usual things people complain of (threesomes, etc.)

 

(example..... oh so you were feeling bad for yourself, got drunk and was taken advantage of for a ONS.... Yes I can get that... NO I can't get that you appear so strong of a person now.... What the hell were you thinking? Forget it get away from me you slut...... Crying....Remorse.... Feeling so bad for causing such trauma to her over a dumb thing..... repeat....repeat...)

 

As far as bad loops I was already the uneasy jealous type, but she told me of her past in August 2003.....the really bad loops as you say started in September... October was horrible.... Was over the top in November and was admitted to the Mental Ward of the hospital just before Thanksgiving. Things continued with piss poor counseling and an anti-depressant pill (the only cool thing about taking the pill was I stuttered just like ozzy osbourne for a couple of weeks...killed my sex drive and gave us a break in that regard). I finally just figured I better be over it and started my own therapy without knowing. The thoughts continued and I would replace my thought (image) of her with a made up slut so I could remove her and not have this problem. Well, she would appear anyway. I would still have trouble in bed and making love turned into what my mind wanted it to be a ONS, etc. I would ask her to pretend that she was a single (sometimes married) version of herself in a hotel bar, and I the same. Then we would have the best sex that night as we played out our ONS.(but not making love which is much better in my mind, even physically ) I would ask her to invite or pretend a lot of things over time. This was doomed to fail..... Make sure you get the treatment, the proper treatment. dreamingoftigers is correct in my case that I believe that other issues are at play and EMDR therapy. To just sit and have someone tell you that you need to move on, or what you have is so much better, or that you are not mad at her but yourself did not work for me. I am a true believer in Trauma. To hear dreamingoftigers refer to "it" as a emotional injury really hit home.

 

 

Just joking (my sense of humor saves me) but I think that everyone who has this should all be invited to a huge beach party and just let it go as they as you said so well press THEIR nose up to the glass and look. Then when it is all worked out we can go be much better partners and bring so much more to the marriage (Sarcasm). Not fair and stupid I know, but it saves me.

 

I have decided to include my wife in everything she can stand to take including therapy. She needs help herself and if we can get it done together all the better, something else to share. We work to boost each other through this, and I am honest with her on what is going on in my head.

 

My mind can not properly process that it is your problem and not his... Does he know anything you feel or that you have discovered myspace, etc? Do what you feel is right as I am feeling in the dark already over my own problems and their cure. I just CAN'T accept that people can hump like bunnies (sorry bunnies) and be better for it, or not have it change them. I may have to just accept that I can't accept what I am told to accept and push on.

[looking_back]

We are still together, 2.5 years after her 6 month affair with a manager at work.

 

I am not happy because the thoughts consume me daily.

 

She wants to reconcile via sweeping it under the rug.

 

That is unacceptable to me.

 

So, we are still living together in the house we own, but neither has made a move toward a permanent split.

 

The reasons.....(or excuses).

 

1.) both unemployed

2.) i am unwilling to part with my house

3.) we share a dog we both want

4.) we love each other.......although i am unable to forgive her cheating.

 

 

Nothing would make me stay with that person. I would walk across the country, piss on the house when I left, and steal the dog.... Your telling my to to relax it was sex before marriage is so true and part of me understands, but it would be the same as me telling you that if you R-E-A-L-L-Y loved her you would forgive her. I am sure you have heard that.

 

We both have a problem here and I truly wish you the best.

[looking_back]

 

Go get help ASAP, and I would recommend your own therapy.

Do not bring your wife into this with you.

You need your own help.

 

 

We were knee deep in this together before we knew how much of an issue it was going to become. You can't hide what I felt as you know. I also have no doubt that my wife needs her own help now not only because of me, but she was a mess when we met. My attraction to her may have been partly because of that.... I want(ed) to fix the ENTIRE world (becoming pretty jaded by the minute). We will do whatever quality help tells us to do.

[jenifer1972]

I totally get this. It is so weird because in reality my H really struck out with online dating. I don't have any evidence of a single hookup and I think that most of the profiles he responded to are actually fake. Yet I kept envisioning this steamy sex stuff with these beautiful women. LOL It VERY MOST LIKELY NEVER EVEN HAPPENED>

 

It is so difficult because I just look at him like he is a dirty slut. I don't want him to touch me again or see my private parts because they won't measure up.

 

 

Can you clarify for me how the retroactive jealousy issue would be helped by EMDR? I have heard of this therapy but have never talked to anyone who has done it. What would be the trauma? Finding out about our partner's past?

 

Interesting that you had a similar situation of being a 'low number' person married to a 'high number' person... Oddly, I am not bothered by him being married in the past. Kind of like that is 'cancelled out'.

 

For me, I don't look at my husband as a slut. I see him as a sexually free person who had more guilt free adventures, and I feel inadequate, and wonder how he could be satisfied with someone who was not as 'cosmopolitan'. I wonder if high numbers people look down on their partners? I have never had the nerve to ask my husband that. Perhaps I will.

[dreamingoftigers]

Can you clarify for me how the retroactive jealousy issue would be helped by EMDR? I have heard of this therapy but have never talked to anyone who has done it. What would be the trauma? Finding out about our partner's past?

 

Interesting that you had a similar situation of being a 'low number' person married to a 'high number' person... Oddly, I am not bothered by him being married in the past. Kind of like that is 'cancelled out'.

 

For me, I don't look at my husband as a slut. I see him as a sexually free person who had more guilt free adventures, and I feel inadequate, and wonder how he could be satisfied with someone who was not as 'cosmopolitan'. I wonder if high numbers people look down on their partners? I have never had the nerve to ask my husband that. Perhaps I will.

 

EMDR helps with all kinds of trauma. your brain does not itself know what "should" and "shouldn't" be traumatic for you. I STRONGLY suspect that issues of my H's past are affected by childhood trauma I have suffered and my need to be wanted by someone in a special way. Retroactive jealousy definitely smacks of that need. With EMDR it has helped me come unlatched from many, many of my childhood traumas, which make the adult ones so much easier to bear. Adult trauma for the most part (except perhaps war, rape and car accident trauma) links right back into the undeveloped childhood part of us. That is why people can REALLY be hurt by those around them that are doing "normal everyday" things but to them hold much greater significance and shame.

 

For example: It was made very clear that I was inadequate and undeserving of love as a child, if my partner cheats it doesn't just hurt on the basic level that might hurt most people, it reinforces that inadequate and undeserving part that has been hammered into us, causing excess pain, unbearable pain that potentially tells us: you will never find quality love because you are not a quality person.

 

If you don't have that crazy trauma you might just think: Oh what a loser to cheat on me, I'll dump his ass and find me someone that deserves me.

 

EMDR help to process some of the crazier childhood crap we deal with so that life is more bearable.

 

My husband is also a sex addict (and so am I coincidentally) I actually judge him pretty harshly for acting on his addiction and not putting every effort into his recovery.

[MichelleZB]

You don't get it and that is alright. Nothing to be proud of and I hope it does not come back to bite you on the arse. Oh wait you have probably done that already.

 

Wow, that's rude. Look, I know you're angry about your wife and all, but you don't have to take it out on other people. SavannahSmiles hasn't done anything wrong--and who are you to judge her choices?

[kt66]

I am in a similar situation to the O/P, but my wife told me about her slutty past with boasting and pride when we first met, we were only work friends then. Why she told me I don't know.

 

She is now very prudish and claims to never think or talk about sex, she has no natural sex drive, she says.

 

So how can someone who actively sought strangers to f*ck, putting herself and body at risk, going to strangers houses, having a threesome with ex ex and a stranger, and lots of one night stands, HAVE NO SEX DRIVE? never thinks about sex, never has fantasies. (I am sure she is not having an affair elsewhere)

 

It breaks my heart that I am the father of her kids, her life partner but she has no interest in me sexually, and never really has. She has to FORCE herself to have sex, never says she enjoys it and has NEVER paid me a sexual compilment in any way.

 

I have been to counselling, we have been to counselling, it gets better, easier to handle, BUT it never goes away.

I niavely thought that girls that like only existed in mags and films, the only ones I thought who behaved like that were the really rough sluts no one would want to normally go near, but she is a nice, attractive, intelligent, middle class woman.

 

The problem is I never asked for this info, she told me, I didn't probe but now feel , that as I know something , I must know it all now, but she is uncomfortable talking.

I have even tried to use her past in our fantasies, she did things I've never had the chance to and never will, and that does put a different spin on it all, but at the end of the day I am still jealous, bitter, hurt , resentful and would leave her today if we didn't have fabulous kids.

 

to all people in this situaton , hang in there, talk to your partner about this, and do what is best for you before it is too late.

 

I wish I had never met her sometimes. I'm trapped and feel like the least attractive man on the planet and the last man she'd actually fancy.

 

If I had the confidence I'd have an affair.

 

To all the people in relationships with an inbalance in sexual pasts, if you were the one who had a slutty phase ,or still do, do your partner a favour and lie.

Don't boast or tell them about the one night stands, the best sex you've ever had, the one about the guy at work with a massive c*ck.

 

JUST tell them a little white lie, don't think that being open or honest is the best, as it will probably just break their heart.

[jenifer1972]

Yes, what IS the deal with high numbers partners who then act all virginal and shy about sex? My husband sometimes acts uncomfortable when I talk a bit suggestively to him. What, like you didn't talk suggestively to get your ONS whores into bed?

 

I am actually interested in SavannaSmiles opinion, but she may not want to 'come out' here anymore... What do high numbers partners think of their low numbers SO's. Do you look down on us a bit?

 

Sometimes my husband makes comments like, oh, I didn't think you'd know about that, or something similar... He said that today about the Beatles. "Oh, I didn't think you would know the words to their songs. You didn't do drugs or anything, you weren't wild." I said, 'what, you think I grew up under a rock? Just because I wasn't doing drugs or being promiscuous doesn't mean I don't know the scoop on stuff.."

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh I get that! I would watch for other attachment issues. My H had the same problem and it seems that he doesn't really view me in the same sexual way since I have been assigned the role of "wife."

[jenifer1972]

Oh I get that! I would watch for other attachment issues. My H had the same problem and it seems that he doesn't really view me in the same sexual way since I have been assigned the role of "wife."

 

 

THAT is interesting. Reading your story, I have wondered if your husband had kind of a whore/madonna split kind of thing, being how he turned off after you married, like a 'bait and switch'. Elvis Presley did that with Priscilla. Once she had their daughter, she was 'mother' on a pedestal, and their romance was doomed...

[doublescorpio]

I think many people are failing to take into consideration hormones here. Women may be really sexual at one point in their life, but as they get older their sexual needs/desires change. I read often on here that men feel women pull a 'bait and switch' on them after marriage. I don't think that is as likely that she had done that intentionally as her hormones (especially after child) have changed.

 

I don't think women with a high sex dive in their twenties are lying to their partners about their pasts when they slow down later in life. This is actually pretty natural, some people always have a high sex drive (as my username indicates, I am a true scorpio in all fashions... ) but many, many of my female friends are having an increasingly tough time keeping it going. I blame all sorts of chemicals in our food, possessions and birth control pills for messing up our hormones, there is so much documentation on this and how it affects sex drive.

 

I guess I am pleading a little bit with men that accuse women of deliberately pulling the hood over their eyes to reconsider a bit... The female body goes through such MASSIVE changes as life progresses, they really can't do much about it. There are pills out there to help the ladies as well as the men in this department. Also please consider any medications the lady may be on that could affect her sex drive. This is usually not something a woman can control, a person really can't 'fake' being sexual so it is highly, highly unlikely that they pretended in that time just to manipulate you.

[looking_back]

Sorry to have dropped off. I went to an excellent EMDR clinical counselor and a paradigm shift has happened. I always hid it and treated it as "playing doctor" but from when I was around 4 until I was 8 or 9 (he was a developed teenager at this time) I was sexually abused. It was cousins when I was younger, my brother when I was older. It has changed everything to look this in the face. I am experiencing about every emotion in waves including RELIEF. I spent my whole life dealing (or not dealing) with this secret. I slept with teddy bears surrounding me until I was in my twenties they all had a personality and were my "true" friends in my mind. My life is filled with things like that. All I needed was to share my story with Barbara and have her affirm sexual abuse and the age difference and trusted brother relationship ( he would babysit me and we shared a room). I can see how this has affected me my whole life. I could have been an astronaut or ended up a drunk who knows all I DO know is I have had issues all my life. Lucky I took the shy timid hyper sensitive route..... My thoughts of my wife's past cleared right up, the way I was looking at women cleared right up, my porn addiction from the past few months cleared right up. I am going to need EMDR therapy and much more to get myself back on track.

 

The problems with my wife's past is that my mind wants to protect her (even though she did not need it). My own experience and trauma as a young boy along with who I am (sensitive / perfectionist, etc, etc) caused me to do the things I have done concerning my wife's past. I WAS only concerned (in my mind) with the unprotected ONS, or any relationship that was NOT a relationship. It brought or caused the trauma thinking that my wife was being hurt like I was and had to deal with such a thing as sperm. After 12 years of being with my wife I asked about her past when we were visiting my parents and staying in my childhood bedroom (the same spot). My mind has spent many years dealing with my wife's past and looking for an answer.... A way to solve why this was so crippling to me. I have my answer and I am 100% clear of my "wife's past" issues (even though I will be dealing with them through therapy too). I now do not know who I am completely or what could have been. I do know one thing.......

 

dreamingoftigers has changed my life by her post. I can't believe the crap that people will post on here (who the hell cares that you slept with 100 people and are better in bed because of it? - that is an opinion not a fact). It was so worth it as I got support and help from dreamingoftigers and a couple of others. But the EMDR is priceless as the last time I told the counselor (2003) about my brother in the past he literally told me that I probably liked it and was looking past the REAL issue (no kidding - a 7 year old boy liking to be penetrated by a 15 year old.) We suffered for another 7 years until reading dreamingoftigers post!!!! I look at my 7 - year old son and think how he does not even know about having a girlfriend little alone anything sexual. I see how my mind was traumatized.

 

ONCE AGAIN THANK YOU DREAMINGOFTIGERS and good luck. I may never get on here again, but who knows. I need to walk this road alone as after very little therapy the memories and smells are all coming back. One good thing besides my wife's support and family of course is that my brother is dead (slammed a VW Jetta into a pole). I did not cry at his funeral, I did not want to be a pall-bearer, I did not know why. It all seems clear now. I burnt the few things I kept from his funeral this morning before getting on the computer. I have support but feel like I am alone as only MY mind has the memories and questions.

 

I plan to enjoy every second of my life even if the sadness and pain continues. If my brother is in heaven then I want to go to hell.

[jenifer1972]

Wow. Quite a breakthrough! Do you feel that your perseverating on your wife's past was an attempt of your subconscious to not concentrate on what happened to you?

 

What actually happens in an EMDR session? I have read up on it on the internet and I don't get it. Does the therapist do a guided imagery thing?

[looking_back]

Wow. Quite a breakthrough! Do you feel that your perseverating on your wife's past was an attempt of your subconscious to not concentrate on what happened to you?

 

What actually happens in an EMDR session? I have read up on it on the internet and I don't get it. Does the therapist do a guided imagery thing?

 

 

I am not sure..... Even if I have a very smart yet tricky therapist who grabbed on to something not true (sexual abuse) and used it to answer the question in my mind about my wife's past it is very effective. It appears that my mind just wanted to know why on whatever level.... why did she do that to herself? Why do I care about it now? etc. etc. I feel great relief in that I now believe I have found the answers to a lot of questions. Why did I put girls up on such a high pedestal and expect them to live up to that standard? Why did I think that "girl" parts are special? Why did I (a very mild non violent kid) go completely insanely ape when Andrew Dice Clay would open his big mouth about women? It all makes sense to me now. Simply all my mind wanted was in that regard for 1+1 to equal 2. That has worked so far. I do know that the abuse was real so now I have what if? why ? and identity issues (the list goes on). I missed out on a lot of my life by being anxious , shy, scared, etc.. How much of that was truly me and how much was put on me by abuse? I am now 39 and have come through great considering, so I am pulling from that.

 

I am only is phase 2 I believe of EMDR (I took a fast route as I was ready to talk and talk and talk.....)so dreamingoftigers can probably answer that better. I do believe in it fully though so far. The best thing is to get a good clinical counselor. And if they care to use EMDR it appears they care enough to treat in any method. Most of my things came out in the initial talking stages. If you are just having BS sessions with someone and not getting anywhere get a new therapist. My insurance provides unlimited visits and I plan to use everyone of them with people who are qualified. Just think if this treatment happened 5, 10, 20, 25, 30 years ago.

[Cinnamon2000]

 

dreamingoftigers has changed my life by her post. I can't believe the crap that people will post on here (who the hell cares that you slept with 100 people and are better in bed because of it? - that is an opinion not a fact). It was so worth it as I got support and help from dreamingoftigers and a couple of others.

 

 

You're welcome.

[Lecturer]

Pretty intense thread.

 

I understand a bit where the OP is coming from, even if I am not in his shoes entirely. I have not had an especially wild past (despite having a wild sexual taste). I will admit, however, to feeling really 'messed up' learning of a certain female that was close to me having somewhat of a wild past. It really upset me... it sort of 'broke my brain' that this sweet girl did all this. I felt a range of emotions. I did see it from a point of view where I felt she was being 'harmed', I suppose, so I was angry. I was jealous that she got these experiences. I felt inferior - or that she sees me that way - since I haven't had these experiences.

 

Your results from EMDR is shocking. Were these repressed memories that just surfaced? It seems like an amazing revelation. I'm trying to imagine what I'd do in your current situation.. and I feel a lot of anger mixed with awe... no clue how I'd handle it.

[looking_back]

Pretty intense thread.

 

I understand a bit where the OP is coming from, even if I am not in his shoes entirely. I have not had an especially wild past (despite having a wild sexual taste). I will admit, however, to feeling really 'messed up' learning of a certain female that was close to me having somewhat of a wild past. It really upset me... it sort of 'broke my brain' that this sweet girl did all this. I felt a range of emotions. I did see it from a point of view where I felt she was being 'harmed', I suppose, so I was angry. I was jealous that she got these experiences. I felt inferior - or that she sees me that way - since I haven't had these experiences.

 

Your results from EMDR is shocking. Were these repressed memories that just surfaced? It seems like an amazing revelation. I'm trying to imagine what I'd do in your current situation.. and I feel a lot of anger mixed with awe... no clue how I'd handle it.

 

I knew that I had been touched (rated G) by my brother and cousins but always put it off as that young curiosity you have. The last therapist who ignored my past almost put my mind at ease and I was fully expecting the current clinical counselor to ignore me as well. She took a moment to explain to me that it was abuse because of age difference (there were so many other pointers too). I never thought of it as a sexually ready teenager with a 1st grader. I broke down from that point and the memories came rolling in it finally all made sense. It wasn't two curious kids the same age playing doctor it was my brother assaulting me. My oldest brother who spent some time with the brother who assaulted me mentioned a couple years back that my brother said horrible things about me while drunk one time. It must have been so bad my oldest brother could not talk about it and had to shake it off with his eyes closed. I did not pursue it. I guess they were repressed, but I know enough to know it happened.

 

I completely understand your post and think everyone has a different answer. I am still jealous that my wife was able to go have some fun. Maybe more so now that I realize my life was in effect taken away from me. I had unreal anxiety ( and other issues) that kept me from my college fun until I was almost thirty and no longer had to fit in (still was anxious - could not give a presentation to save my life). Was this caused by trauma? Will never know I guess. The only difference at this point is that my mind can let it go. If I tell my brain to picture her in those situations now I can process, disagree with it, UNDERSTAND myself and why I think that way, shutter it off and move on within seconds. I am glad I still disagree with a messy unprotected one night stand drunk in a van, but I am ECSTATIC that I can move on at this point in time in my mind and not plaster that on my wife. I hope it stays that way.

[jenifer1972]

Well, this post has pushed me to get some movement for myself on this issue. I asked my husband to give me finally a skeleton outline of his past, and not be coy about it- THAT was driving me nuts with my imagination.

 

I asked him to tell me how he felt about these flings and ONS, and his response actually helped me a lot. I know a lot of people think you should ask nothing about your partner's past, but that was NOT working for me.

 

From his descriptions, I could tell his memories are not 'charged' with all kinds of lust, longing or emotion. These women were not in a secret treasure box I could never guess at, as I imagined they were. They were flings, nothing more, and their patina has faded. Some he can't even remember their names, or even what their faces looked like. They are NOT important to him. He has had some significant relationships, but these did not bother me. It had seemed like these illicit 'hookups' were so 'sexy' I could never measure up in my mind, and it was good to hear that is far from true.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sorry to have dropped off. I went to an excellent EMDR clinical counselor and a paradigm shift has happened. I always hid it and treated it as "playing doctor" but from when I was around 4 until I was 8 or 9 (he was a developed teenager at this time) I was sexually abused. It was cousins when I was younger, my brother when I was older. It has changed everything to look this in the face. I am experiencing about every emotion in waves including RELIEF. I spent my whole life dealing (or not dealing) with this secret. I slept with teddy bears surrounding me until I was in my twenties they all had a personality and were my "true" friends in my mind. My life is filled with things like that. All I needed was to share my story with Barbara and have her affirm sexual abuse and the age difference and trusted brother relationship ( he would babysit me and we shared a room). I can see how this has affected me my whole life. I could have been an astronaut or ended up a drunk who knows all I DO know is I have had issues all my life. Lucky I took the shy timid hyper sensitive route..... My thoughts of my wife's past cleared right up, the way I was looking at women cleared right up, my porn addiction from the past few months cleared right up. I am going to need EMDR therapy and much more to get myself back on track.

 

The problems with my wife's past is that my mind wants to protect her (even though she did not need it). My own experience and trauma as a young boy along with who I am (sensitive / perfectionist, etc, etc) caused me to do the things I have done concerning my wife's past. I WAS only concerned (in my mind) with the unprotected ONS, or any relationship that was NOT a relationship. It brought or caused the trauma thinking that my wife was being hurt like I was and had to deal with such a thing as sperm. After 12 years of being with my wife I asked about her past when we were visiting my parents and staying in my childhood bedroom (the same spot). My mind has spent many years dealing with my wife's past and looking for an answer.... A way to solve why this was so crippling to me. I have my answer and I am 100% clear of my "wife's past" issues (even though I will be dealing with them through therapy too). I now do not know who I am completely or what could have been. I do know one thing.......

 

dreamingoftigers has changed my life by her post. I can't believe the crap that people will post on here (who the hell cares that you slept with 100 people and are better in bed because of it? - that is an opinion not a fact). It was so worth it as I got support and help from dreamingoftigers and a couple of others. But the EMDR is priceless as the last time I told the counselor (2003) about my brother in the past he literally told me that I probably liked it and was looking past the REAL issue (no kidding - a 7 year old boy liking to be penetrated by a 15 year old.) We suffered for another 7 years until reading dreamingoftigers post!!!! I look at my 7 - year old son and think how he does not even know about having a girlfriend little alone anything sexual. I see how my mind was traumatized.

 

ONCE AGAIN THANK YOU DREAMINGOFTIGERS and good luck. I may never get on here again, but who knows. I need to walk this road alone as after very little therapy the memories and smells are all coming back. One good thing besides my wife's support and family of course is that my brother is dead (slammed a VW Jetta into a pole). I did not cry at his funeral, I did not want to be a pall-bearer, I did not know why. It all seems clear now. I burnt the few things I kept from his funeral this morning before getting on the computer. I have support but feel like I am alone as only MY mind has the memories and questions.

 

I plan to enjoy every second of my life even if the sadness and pain continues. If my brother is in heaven then I want to go to hell.

 

Thank you so much, I am almost glad that I had to go through EMDR if even just to testify of it to improve someone's quality of life. My therapist has told me that 5% of people respond after the 1st session of EMDR. (she told me this after some of the rapid changes) I was one of that 5%, it sounds like you are too. I can only tell you that IT GETS BETTER. At one point you will probably look back and just think, "Wow, life is so much better, in fact it really isn't that bad at all." It also helps you to understand people's unresolved anger etc. When people get pissy with you, you can almost see the childhood issues jumping out of them. It's pretty crazy. I think only someone who has used that form of healing can really see the difference in a few short months. Some sessions will be rough, but overall you do feel better. (Sometimes one session will open something that won't be closed until the next session or so.)

 

As for the stupid counselor, one of the things he might have been trying to do was assure you that liking the sensation of the abuse was a common thing (not a majority or anything, but common) and that if you had, that you should not feel guilt about that. But it sounds like it was terribly delivered and stupid to assume.

 

I wish you luck and hope you have a great life/marriage.

[oldguy]

But you had such a debilitating and nearly deadly emotional reaction to your wife having casual sex years ago, to the point you are still messed up about it years after finding out.

 

How is the scientific view informing your decisions here? It is only serving to torment you on yet another level.

 

Rational and emotional; too many times the rational mind tries to overcome the emotional. This never works long term. You must deal with the emotion not suppress it with rational.

[Scrybe]

Wow! I was preparing to throw my 2 cents in but finally read to the end. Congratulations on discovering the "true source" of your pain and I'm so sorry that your 7 y/o self had to endure such torment and pain. I'm so very happy for your wife and children to have ALL of their father/husband back. Start enjoying life now. You deserve it. And one more thing - You've shown courage in a way that many men can never do. Way to go brother!