antnonie Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 [color=blue] My DH is in the Army so we have spent alot of time apart. We have been married over 8 years with 3 kids and separated alot lately. I am looking for opinions and advice on my next move... He was sent to Korea for 15 months. About a month <his account> before he came home he got drunk and was very lonely, so had sex with a work friend. I had complete trust in him not to do this. I found out on my own by listening to his cell because I knew something was not right. She left numerous messages.. She loved him and missed him. He said they had sex ONCE. He had told me about 2 weeks before this he wanted to separate, remain friends and have sex but to live in 2 different places. Well DH kept telling me he wanted to move out but to work on things. He was maintaining contact with her, she was coming here to spend two weeks with him. I know this because I checked his email. She sent his message in the reply. He told me he was keeping his options open. If I left him he wanted a back up, I guess. I was the one that "broke up with her." She thought I was DH online one night, lets remember I was desparate to do something. I let her think I was DH and told her everything he was telling me. They had no contact for 1 month. I checked all the time... She called one night to ask if he was surprised to talk to him and DH gave me the phone and she hung up on me. I quit checking his email as often because I got sick of it. It is another month later.... DH is still sleeping in our bed, we are intimate but not as often. I think if we had the money DH would have moved out. We can hang out and we are great like everything is fine. When we talk about what happened or the issues we are facing we have problems. He feels emotionally distant. He would never have cheated if we had a good marriage. We both know this. He said he learned he should not have went outside of our marriage. He said he still wants to move out to get an apartment to work on things... He left last week to go to Iraq for a year. He told me he loved me before he left. We discussed not making any big choices while he was over there. He said he would not have sex whie over there. He was very hurt by the fact that I went to a therepist to talk about my feelings, not him. We did not maintain our marrage once the kids came. We have not gone on dates or spent time alone together in years. We are having huge communication problems. This frustates both of us so much. I asked if he thought of her anymore he said no and I belive him. He just wants to separate not divorce. I dont feel I can do that, the thought rips me in half. I brought up the idea of getting a bigger house and him and I having our own rooms. So we could get to know each other again. I know I should be patient but not sure what to do. Should I play things by ear and let him decide what he wants? Part of me wants to divorce him while he is away to let him know he cant use people. I love him more than anything but I dont know if I should open up to him now because I dont want to be hurt anymore. He said he has not been in love with me for years but things only changed drastically after he and her had sex. I have emails he wrote me before they met. They were all filled with thoughtfulness and love. He told me he did not know how to tell me. He is not in love with me but loves me like a friend. I thought that was what marriage was friendship caring and sex. Where should I go from here? He seems very confused. Every night he came back home instead of going out with friends. He said he liked being home.. I am so confused and lost. Any ideas? I plan on being ready for either thing but I cant be married to him while he is living in another house by choice. I dont understand how that could work on things... If we could get though this were would be so much stronger. This is the only big thing like this we hav3e had. The bad communication built up and made a huge valley between us..... [/color] Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 <URL removed> Be strong, there is hope. Link to post Share on other sites
Author antnonie Posted January 20, 2004 Author Share Posted January 20, 2004 the thing that makes this hard is he will be gone 12 more months... Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 the physical distance thing is a hard one to figure in, isn't it? but don't be discouraged -- maybe you guys can talk about using this time as a kind of courtship, like when you were first dating. there are many books you can look through to help you go about doing this, about how to ask questions that are open-ended and are designed to help you communicate with your partner, think about grabbing one from your library or the local bookstore (if you can afford to get it just yet, then sit and read it in the store). as long as you are willing to try to fight for your relationship to work out, there's hope, so don't give up. A thought: if he's still coming home to you, he's finding solace in your marriage more than he realizes. It just might take him awhile to understand that while certain things have changed (like having kids or being apart), love still can grow, even if you don't recognize its new form. be strong! quank Link to post Share on other sites
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