how to stop missing someone you love

[EthanH]

i have written on here quite a bit. I have gone through so many emotions in the last few weeks. Denial, devastation, something bordering on acceptance, genuine hope that we might get back together, when we did get back together...i almost felt numb from the exhaustion of caring so much before, and then utter devastation when we didn't get back for more than a few days.

 

It is made all the more difficult by the fact that she has told me when we were back that she knew i knew that even when she said she was sure of her decision, she doubted it every minute and still loved me. And the fact that she told me she had doubted her decision to break up with me enough to actually consider getting back with me even after 2 months of distance.

 

Now, I just feel numb, I can't cry, but the main feeling I have is just of missing her. I cannot shake that, it has been like that for the past few days. I can do stuff to pass the time, but it is still there, and I cannot get rid of the feeling. What can i do to make this feeling go away? I wish i could hate her, but i can't.

[skydiveaddict]

Time is the only thing that will make that feeling go away. You just have to live through it. I know how feel, I've been there too

[Toki]

Have sex with someone new.

 

no in all seriousness, the best way to get over an ex is to be proactive with your life, the best thing that came out of my last relationship is that I learned I didn't need anyone else but me. You don't need your ex, you just think you do it's 99% mental.

[EthanH]

I agree... but at the same time... I just don't have the drive to do anything... I know it is pathetic, I know I should care, but i just don't... I'm well educated, I have a lot going for me, and there are so many things i could be doing, but i just don't have the urge to do anything...

 

spoke to my father tonight, he was distraught... I just don't have the urge to do anything, i haven't been eating, i just don't have any appetite, I have lost so much weight. I feel so low for the majority of the time. He suggested I go to a doctor, but I know that is pointless. I can understand being on anti-depressants if you wake up one day randomly feeling low, if it is a chemical imbalance, but not like this, the reason i feel low is my break-up and so the only way medication would help is to drug me up to the eyeballs so i didn't need to think about it, but that is pointless as it isn't going to change the fact that i still have to deal with the reality of the situation eventually. I feel really silly writing this, but I guess I just have no idea what to do.

[Hot Carl]

Aim better.

[EthanH]

what? aim better?

[northstar1]

I agree... but at the same time... I just don't have the drive to do anything... I know it is pathetic, I know I should care, but i just don't... I'm well educated, I have a lot going for me, and there are so many things i could be doing, but i just don't have the urge to do anything...

 

spoke to my father tonight, he was distraught... I just don't have the urge to do anything, i haven't been eating, i just don't have any appetite, I have lost so much weight. I feel so low for the majority of the time. He suggested I go to a doctor, but I know that is pointless. I can understand being on anti-depressants if you wake up one day randomly feeling low, if it is a chemical imbalance, but not like this, the reason i feel low is my break-up and so the only way medication would help is to drug me up to the eyeballs so i didn't need to think about it, but that is pointless as it isn't going to change the fact that i still have to deal with the reality of the situation eventually. I feel really silly writing this, but I guess I just have no idea what to do.

 

i've been there man, it is pretty common. with my ex, i had no desire to do anything. i lost weight, i slept a lot. it was at the point i'd rather stay home on a saturday night rather than go meet up with friends. even if i did go, i'd have a hard time feeling like i was having a good time, and i'd want to leave early.

you'll get past it. just drag yourself out and go do something, rather than just thinking about it. easier said than done, but you gotta try.

[D-Lish]

The best thing you can do to heal is to remain in no contact for starters.

 

It's so hard to go without talking to the person initially, but it gets easier.

 

It's so true that you have to participate in the grieving process in order to come through on the other side. You also have to be pro-active in your own recovery , as another poster mentioned.

 

It's also important to shift your focus. Hit the gym, focus on a hobby, force yourself to venture out, even when you don't feel like it.

 

Fake it until you make it works. Act how you want to feel, and in time, you'll begin to feel better.

 

It does take time. So be good to yourself in the meantime.

[EthanH]

Hi, thanks for your advice...

 

the problem I have, well one of many at the moment, is that I live in this really small college town. It literally has one decent bar which stays open late. A small supermarket, where you have to go if you want to eat. I mean, my town has 3 main streets! It is so so so so enclosed. This is made worse by the fact that most of my friends are mutual friends with her, my flat-mates, one of which is her closest friend. And even the friends who don't know her, when I hang with them I still end up bumping into her. It is impossible to have a night out and not see her if she is out (which is going to be the case most big nights of the week)... so for me to be NC is almost impossible. I could probably do NC, but it would be such a restrictive life, I would basically have to run around hiding, I wouldn't have a social life. It's not something which is viable. I have to stay in this town to finish my degree for one more year...so there is no other option.

[D-Lish]

Well that does make things a little more difficult.

 

It sucks because the very thought of running into her must cause you anxiety!

 

If you do have to see her, always have your game face on. No matter how bad you feel, act like you feel great and are having a good time.

 

You're right, the last thing you want to do is to hide out, that's not good for you either.

[EthanH]

See I wear my heart on my sleeve. If I see her, I an truely terrible about covering it. I don't mean I break down lol, but I think people can tell by my face. I was fine the other day and then I saw her in a bar and it sent me back to square one, it opened all of the wounds again. How can you do NC when you end up seeing the person all the time? It just doesn't work, if you say nothing, you look bitter, if you do, you look desperate, and have that horrible thing of being a pseudo-friend.

[Ronni_W]

Ethan,

I know that it hurts to miss her. But it's okay to miss her, and it's okay to hurt. Missing the person and hurting cos you're missing the person is a normal part of the grieving process. You will survive it, is the only consolation.

 

You're not just missing what you had with her, but also what you envisioned you were gonna have with her. It's also the lost dreams and potentials that you are grieving. It's a lot, and it's okay to be sad about the loss of it all.

 

Sometimes when we resist our actual feelings, and just want to try to get rid of them and make them go away...that doesn't work so well for a "healing strategy." The way to the 'other side' is through, not around. Even though going through can be really uncomfortable.

 

It's also that 'acceptance' is about accepting our true feelings about a situation...if we can't/won't accept those, we're not really accepting the situation in its entirety because our sad and painful feelings are an integral part of the situation.

 

I'm sorry that you're missing her and hurting because of it.

[Toki]

Better to be bitter than desperate. I know what you mean about the small town thing, which is why I got out when I had the opportunity. But you're in college so I reckon you oughta tough it out and find your balls, whatever you think she did to em', they're still down there yelling at ya to get on with it. You'll understand after you've healed a bit how absurd you're acting over someone who didn't even you, and you probably deserve better, though you won't think it now. You wanna know why you're depressed? Because it's easy, it's getting over it that's hard, and the only way you're going to do that is by sucking It up and walking out of hell by yourself.

[EthanH]

I just watched this film...

 

clever choice for my current mindset I think you will agree...

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ywKy3MxtXl8&feature=related

[whichwayisup]

but the main feeling I have is just of missing her. I cannot shake that, it has been like that for the past few days. I can do stuff to pass the time, but it is still there, and I cannot get rid of the feeling. What can i do to make this feeling go away? I wish i could hate her, but i can't.

 

Time.. And allowing yourself to just accept that this is going to take a while. you loved her, cared for her and now she isn't in your life. That's a huge loss and it's painful.

 

Again, time... Cliche, but time does heal all wounds. Being in no contact mode is to help you heal. It isn't about her, it's all about you.

 

Distraction, being with good friends, your family, keeping busy and doing nice stuff for yourself. Buy yourself presents!

[whichwayisup]

See I wear my heart on my sleeve. If I see her, I an truely terrible about covering it. I don't mean I break down lol, but I think people can tell by my face. I was fine the other day and then I saw her in a bar and it sent me back to square one, it opened all of the wounds again. How can you do NC when you end up seeing the person all the time? It just doesn't work, if you say nothing, you look bitter, if you do, you look desperate, and have that horrible thing of being a pseudo-friend.

 

This is why avoiding her is in your best interests. For afew minutes you may like how you feel when you see her, talk to her, but later, the pain will set in and you'll feel heartache all over again.

 

Avoid going to places (for afew months) that you know she hangs out. Take different routes, different streets. Change your schedule. This is for YOU, not for her.. Who cares how it looks, it's more important that you're looking out for number one (YOU) and doing all that you can to avoid any contact with her.

 

It's harder to get over someone if you have to see them daily, weekly. best way is total NC.

[D-Lish]

This is why avoiding her is in your best interests. For afew minutes you may like how you feel when you see her, talk to her, but later, the pain will set in and you'll feel heartache all over again.

 

Avoid going to places (for afew months) that you know she hangs out. Take different routes, different streets. Change your schedule. This is for YOU, not for her.. Who cares how it looks, it's more important that you're looking out for number one (YOU) and doing all that you can to avoid any contact with her.

 

It's harder to get over someone if you have to see them daily, weekly. best way is total NC.

 

We have to help him find a solution to the dilemma of living in such a small community with only one watering hole!

 

Won't your friends support you and go partying out of town sometimes to help you out with this?

 

You can't just stay in and hide out.

 

How small is the college? My college had 3 bars on campus, and my uni had 5!

[EthanH]

hey d-lish...

 

My uni has around 8.000 students in a town which has 3 main streets, all of which are about a mile long. It is the centre of the whole town. If you want to do something, you have to go there. The main events at the university are balls (read that in a positive way)...and they are for around 1,000 people, and usually it is the same crowd going. There is more than one bar, but the problem is, the others are all only open until 12, so all of my friends want to go to one of two places, and that is where the problems start. A few have said they will come with me, but the problem is, after they have a few drinks, their sympathy for me wanes. I went out on friday and nearly came home at 11.30 as the people I was out with decided they wanted to go to the same bar my ex was getting very drunk in. I had to do so much work to find another friend who wasn't going, and I get made to feel bad for even using not seeing her as reason for not going somewhere. I just know that it isn't going to help me. My ex lives not far away from me, for me to walk into town, we both have to go the same way, and the amount of times we bump into each other is just ridiculous. There is one supermarket, the uni library is tiny, so if you go there, you are going to see each other. She also has a part time job at a restaurant right in the centre, so I have to walk past it whenever I'm in town, and basically as a waitress, she has to stand in a glass entrance corridor which is right on the street. I can look away as I walk past, but it is crazy, I feel like even the fact I'm having to do that is stopping me from having NC properly...I mean, NC is about trying to get over someone and trying to make things better, and these constant efforts not to see her are opening old wounds every time and I feel so drained. I'm not stupid, I realise seeing her will make things more difficult for me, but this is all so difficult. I can't spend the next year avoiding her, it will drive me nuts, but to see her will just kill me. Part of me just wants to drop out of uni, but I know I will regret it in the future, I know it is a silly thing to do.

 

It is the fact that everyone knows her way of being is to act like everything is fine. It is a massive act, and the more she misses me, the more she becomes more loudly happy. The time she told me was the most difficult of the whole time since we broke up was this: she was meeting a friend for coffee, and she walked into starbucks and saw a guy who was meeting me (another thing about this town is that because it is so small, meeting for coffee is one of the only things to do, and so thus takes on religious importance) and she assumed he was meeting his gf who is also her flat-mate (you see how interlinked everyone is)... so she said, 'oh you are meeting x?' his reply, 'no i'm meeting ethan'... so she turned away to walk out. And she told me it was then that it truly hit her, a week before it would have been her sitting there waiting to meet me, and now she was having to avoid me. She told me she started crying in the street. But then she met the friend for coffee, like 2 mins after this happened, and they told me a long time after that they had no idea she was upset. She shows no emotion in public, she will have a generic 'grump' but it is never attributed to anything to do with me. I think it comes from the fact that she went to an all girls school, where it seems, the main law which they all aimed for was to not show any weakness. I miss this girl so much. It's the fact that she has made it clear to me that she misses me massively, and yet I know she is always going to fight against that.

[muffin]

I think what you're going through is a normal phase of grief. The feeling will pass, it just takes time. You may never stop missing you ex on some level, unless and until you find someone new or simply get over this person, but the crushing pain and despair will fade.