To my horror...

[BlackLovely]

I'm ashamed to be writing this, but I think I need to in order to heal myself.

I am a woman that has experienced physical, sexual and emotional abuse.

My mother was the physical and emotional abuser, as well as my older brother. My cousin sexually abused me for year when I was 7.

To my horror, I find myself behaving EXACTLY the way my mother did when she interacted with my father . My poor husband is sometimes subjected to my rages, which include screaming, swearing, name calling and broken dishes. I know this is wrong and that there is no excuse. I just feel so out of control when I am extremely angry. I also experience a "blacking out" of sorts when I scream and break things....it's like I dissociate when I get livid, just like I did when I my cousin would touch me. I find this very frightening.

When I was a child, I promised myself and my father that I would not be the same kind of wife my mother is.

I know that if I don't learn to stop myself, my marriage will not be successful. We seem to go months without such an incident and then one day..BOOM! I'm trying to find some free anger management classes.

Any thoughts?

[RobM]

Get professional help, find a therapist.

[Ronni_W]

Any thoughts?

My first thought was that, in reality, you are NOT out of control of your own actions; that "blacking out" and "dissociating" are the excuses that you're using to behave the way that you choose to behave on occasion. Looking for FREE anger management classes is another excuse. (Have you tried signing out a FREE book or two on anger release and management at the library?)

 

My second thought: I'm sorry for your childhood experiences. Those were not your fault, and you most certainly did not deserve them.

 

For low-cost or no-cost anger management therapy or psychotherapy, contact psychology dept. of local educational institutions (public and private) - their grads are often required to complete supervised internships, and those sessions are often free or nearly free. You can also check with community services, hospitals, churches, women's groups or hostels.

 

At present, you are choosing to be a victim of your childhood experiences. That is not necessary. You already survived it. Now you can empower yourself.

 

Hugs, and best of luck.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Does your husband know about what you went through? There are ways to get through this - it will require a lot of time, and a lot of objective third party help. If money is an issue, call your local health department or social services. A lot of times you'll be able to find really inexpensive help through them.

[BlackLovely]

My first thought was that, in reality, you are NOT out of control of your own actions; that "blacking out" and "dissociating" are the excuses that you're using to behave the way that you choose to behave on occasion. Looking for FREE anger management classes is another excuse. (Have you tried signing out a FREE book or two on anger release and management at the library?)

 

My second thought: I'm sorry for your childhood experiences. Those were not your fault, and you most certainly did not deserve them.

 

For low-cost or no-cost anger management therapy or psychotherapy, contact psychology dept. of local educational institutions (public and private) - their grads are often required to complete supervised internships, and those sessions are often free or nearly free. You can also check with community services, hospitals, churches, women's groups or hostels.

 

At present, you are choosing to be a victim of your childhood experiences. That is not necessary. You already survived it. Now you can empower yourself.

 

Hugs, and best of luck.

 

I never once said that I WAS out of control of my actions. I said that in the moment, it FEELS as though I'm out of control. With respect to the "blacking out", this in no way excuses my behavior. It is only a description of the way I experience extreme anger. Abusers who make excuses for their behavior never seek therapy to help them change.

 

I don't agree that looking for free or low cost therapy is an excuse. Once again, I didn't say that I was not going to get help if it wasn't free or almost so.

 

How do you know that I've haven't tried reading books already? I have tried anger books in the past, I did not find them helpful.

 

Ronni, I greatly appreciate the hugs and the truth with kindness.

I have started to see my past therapist again. We have developed a good working relationship. At $75/hr, she is not cheap yet way below the average cost of therapy in Toronto.

 

Thanks for the suggestions everyone! Therapy has helped me to stop making self destructive choices in the past. I have no doubt that it can help me once again.

[curiousnycgirl]

I feel for you - my mother also has an explosive temper and I have always been the target of her tirades (both physical as well as verbal). Thankfully she's never done quite the same to my younger siblings.

 

I also swore I would never behave that way - but in my 20's I realized that my temper was out of control. My response was to absolutely shut my mouth the minute I felt myself getting angry. I do not allow myself to react at all - I MUST walk away until I gain control and think long and hard about what I want to say.

 

The flip side to this is that when my b/f and I get into a fight, he yells and then thinks things are over. Typically 3 or 4 days later I am finally ready to express myself. Drives him nuts! Last time it happened I literally broke up with him 3 days after a fight - told him I couldn't take the way he had been hurting me etc.

 

I'm not saying my way is right - I'm just giving you an alternative and sympathizing.

 

Good luck!