For OW from MM

[TroubledSoul1]

Hello-

I'm in love with the other woman.

I posted a thread on the infidelty board and if you are an OW can you please read it and give me your opinion about what I should do now?

 

If you were my OW based on everything I've written how are you feeling? Do you know I still care about you? Are you so mad that you'll never speak to me again? SHould I just leave you alone?

 

Please help

[secretlady76]

Hello-

I'm in love with the other woman.

I posted a thread on the infidelty board and if you are an OW can you please read it and give me your opinion about what I should do now?

 

If you were my OW based on everything I've written how are you feeling? Do you know I still care about you? Are you so mad that you'll never speak to me again? SHould I just leave you alone?

 

Please help

 

Quite frankly, if I was her, I would be terribly upset. As someone who has been on the receiving end of hot/cold treatment, it isn't much fun, in fact it's bloody awful. Therefore, if you really care about her then you have to decide either way. Either remove her from your life (but do explain your reasons to her and DON'T GO BACK ON YOUR WORD) or make her part of your life permenantly and explain to her the reasons for your behaviour. Just don't muck her about, please, it's horrible.

 

Oh and ring her on her Birthday at least.

[Hazyhead]

I answered on the other thread but I just wanted to add that if I was her, hearing your voice would be incredibly painful on top of everything else. If you know that you are not going to leave your wife do not call her.

 

Leave her alone unless you get a divorce. I agree with Secretlady, please do not mess her around.

[BB07]

Hello-

I'm in love with the other woman.

I posted a thread on the infidelty board and if you are an OW can you please read it and give me your opinion about what I should do now?

 

If you were my OW based on everything I've written how are you feeling? Do you know I still care about you? Are you so mad that you'll never speak to me again? SHould I just leave you alone?

 

Please help

 

As I told you in your other thread........find your gonads and make a decision. The longer you put it off, the worse and more painful it's going to be for everyone involved. What are you going to do......live the rest of you life just getting by, staying in a situation that you aren't happy with just because you are too afraid to change it?

 

 

Now to answer your questions in this thread.

 

If you were my OW based on everything I've written how are you feeling? I'd

• be very afraid that you weren't going to change anything, that you were too afraid. If something wasn't done in a reasonable amount of time, I'd be questioning if I would really want to be with a man who couldn't make up his mind.
   
   
  
• Do you know I still care about you? I'd be believing that you did, but again, you've got to do something about it.
   
   
  
• Are you so mad that you'll never speak to me again? SHould I just leave you alone? I'd be pissed.......and yes you better get your house in order quickly or I won't hang on. Show me a clear concrete timetable of what and when you plan to change things. If you are going to leave...No contact or limited contact is something that probably isn't feasible, IMO.
  

[lilagirl]

I feel terrible for your OW.

 

Can you outline why you would stay with your W? We all hear about the kids, the family, the social implications, work, etc. But your situation seems pretty cut and dry. You don`t love her, she doesn`t love you, you are probably decent friends.... but other than that... It must be very confusing for your OW to know you feel one way, and not be able to act on it.

 

You are 57 years old. You know that life is very short. Live it! enjoy it! LOVE IT! stop sitting around being content with nothingness... imagine the joy you will have when you are witht

 

Your counseller should not have given you advice that is steared towards societal norms and their own bias`. While I appreciate that you need to go to counselling, it sounds to me as though you may have the wrong counseller who has been hurt in the past. You need a counseller who can help you work through your indecision objectively.

 

That being said... I still don`t get where the confusion and indecision is coming from. No... 8.5 months is not long enough to know that you have foudn your forever for real girl... but what do you have to lose?

 

DO NOT Call your OW today, unless you have a real birthday present for her - your decision

[TroubledSoul1]

I didn't call her.

But I can't stop thinking of her.

Its hard to just leave the life you are comfortable in and has been convenient for 37 years.

My wife is totally predictable and I know in a sense what I'm getting.

Someone said on the other post that I was lazy. I think maybe I am.

 

I just can't believe how much I have hurt her. She's so nice, and does not deserve this. She deserves someone who can be there for her - not me. I know this, but its so hard.

 

She told me many times to get my crap together. She has told me to grow a set. And she's right. But why can't I?

[Fallen Angel]

If there was no valid reason for you to stay in your marriage (ie. Kids, a serious illness, etc.) I would not wait around for you to decide that I was worth leaving for.

 

If you love her you had better make your move, and quickly. If she has any sense at all she will move on with her life without you.

 

If you really loved her like you claim, you would not hestitate one moment more. You have said that you have nothing keeping you in your marriage other than that it is what is known, and as an OW I can assure you that would not be enough to keep me as your OW. I would be gone.

 

So your choices at this point are let go of your OW RIGHT NOW, and I mean completely and forever. (Calling her, emailing, etc. will only further her pain.) Or leave your wife RIGHT NOW, and file for divorce.

 

Good Luck to you, whatever your choice.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Its hard to just leave the life you are comfortable in and has been convenient for 37 years.

 

Imagine how hard it is to be in love with someone who values you less than comfort and convenience.

[TroubledSoul1]

I don't know how I am not going to see her. We go to the same gym, she lives right down the street- about 3 miles away and we golf at the same place. And there are other things. I get along with her folks. Her Dad and I are friends. He knows about us and that I care for her very much and knows I'm going to counseling to try and figure this out.

 

What do I do when I run into her?

I know she is probably furious with me because I haven't called her today on her birthday.

How do I face her?

What do I say?

What if she completely ignores me?

When she has initiated NC before and I saw her at the gym she completely ignored me and I had to really keep pursuing her to get her to even look my way, much less say hello.

 

Or maybe better questions I should ask are,

How should I expect her to treat me?

She has told me to go f**k myself before

Will she be really bitter and angry?

I asked her if we could just be friends and she said absolutely not. I told her we could still play golf and do things on a friends basis. She actually said FINE at one point- only to be followed up with:

If you want to be friends, that's fine. So the next time you have a BBQ at your house I'll be over, ok? because after all we're friends, right? I told her I didn't like her sarcasm, but I think I got her point.

 

She has every right to be mad at me. I really didn't realize how much damage I could do to another person. I never thought I'd ever feel what I felt with her. I just didn't know about all this. I don't know how to forget her, or what I feel for her. I am seriously on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I went for a walk a little while ago and bumped into one of my friends and smoked a joint. That numbed the pain for a bit.

[TroubledSoul1]

I was reading through some threads and got to thinking. I wonder if she would ever get so mad that she would just show up here at my house. When I left her house that night she was mad, really mad. And I know that's because she intiated NC, then I broke it after 8 days and while I didn't promise her anything per se, I know I confessed so many things to her day after day leading up to that night. And what I shared with her was the truth, and how I do truly believe we have an emotional connection. Gosh I miss her, seeing her, talking to her.......

 

I know her and she has told me that she wouldn't put up with this $hit from a single guy and why should she put up with it from me. She really has a voice and and an opinion- which I really respect. And I have no answers for her.

 

Gosh I hope this IC helps. Has anybody has success with IC?

I came to this forum because I care about her and I realize I have made mistakes and want to proceed now in a way that's best and maybe stop making mistakes. Are there any other MM out there that has gone through this that can help me?

[Fallen Angel]

I don't know how I am not going to see her. We go to the same gym, she lives right down the street- about 3 miles away and we golf at the same place. And there are other things. I get along with her folks. Her Dad and I are friends. He knows about us and that I care for her very much and knows I'm going to counseling to try and figure this out.

 

What do I do when I run into her?

I know she is probably furious with me because I haven't called her today on her birthday.

How do I face her?

What do I say?

What if she completely ignores me?

When she has initiated NC before and I saw her at the gym she completely ignored me and I had to really keep pursuing her to get her to even look my way, much less say hello.

 

Or maybe better questions I should ask are,

How should I expect her to treat me?

She has told me to go f**k myself before

Will she be really bitter and angry?

I asked her if we could just be friends and she said absolutely not. I told her we could still play golf and do things on a friends basis. She actually said FINE at one point- only to be followed up with:

If you want to be friends, that's fine. So the next time you have a BBQ at your house I'll be over, ok? because after all we're friends, right? I told her I didn't like her sarcasm, but I think I got her point.

 

She has every right to be mad at me. I really didn't realize how much damage I could do to another person. I never thought I'd ever feel what I felt with her. I just didn't know about all this. I don't know how to forget her, or what I feel for her. I am seriously on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I went for a walk a little while ago and bumped into one of my friends and smoked a joint. That numbed the pain for a bit.

 

You do not love her; you say you do, but your choice indicates otherwise. If I were her, I would tell you to f*ck off, and I would mean it.

 

If you really loved her, you would divorce for her, rather than stay in your marriage because you do not want to deal with the messiness of it.

 

Honestly, I find your wishy-washy behaviour pathetic, and you should be grateful I was not your OW, cause I would aim for your head if I saw you ahead of me on the golfcourse after you tried that "can't we be friends" crap!!!

 

If you give even the tiniest little sh*t about her at all, leave her alone; pick another gym, pick another golf course, leave her father alone and get the hell out of her life. She deserves a man who loves her completely and without hesitation, not one who loves her but won't be with her because it is too much trouble to pack his own underwear in a suitcase for her.

[bentnotbroken]

I was reading through some threads and got to thinking. I wonder if she would ever get so mad that she would just show up here at my house. When I left her house that night she was mad, really mad. And I know that's because she intiated NC, then I broke it after 8 days and while I didn't promise her anything per se, I know I confessed so many things to her day after day leading up to that night. And what I shared with her was the truth, and how I do truly believe we have an emotional connection. Gosh I miss her, seeing her, talking to her.......

 

I know her and she has told me that she wouldn't put up with this $hit from a single guy and why should she put up with it from me. She really has a voice and and an opinion- which I really respect. And I have no answers for her.

 

Gosh I hope this IC helps. Has anybody has success with IC?

I came to this forum because I care about her and I realize I have made mistakes and want to proceed now in a way that's best and maybe stop making mistakes. Are there any other MM out there that has gone through this that can help me?

 

 

Gosh, grow a pair and leave her and your wife alone. Maybe the counselor will help you find a way to....never mind.

[MizzBlue72]

I was reading through some threads and got to thinking. I wonder if she would ever get so mad that she would just show up here at my house. When I left her house that night she was mad, really mad. And I know that's because she intiated NC, then I broke it after 8 days and while I didn't promise her anything per se, I know I confessed so many things to her day after day leading up to that night. And what I shared with her was the truth, and how I do truly believe we have an emotional connection. Gosh I miss her, seeing her, talking to her.......

 

I know her and she has told me that she wouldn't put up with this $hit from a single guy and why should she put up with it from me. She really has a voice and and an opinion- which I really respect. And I have no answers for her.

 

Gosh I hope this IC helps. Has anybody has success with IC?

I came to this forum because I care about her and I realize I have made mistakes and want to proceed now in a way that's best and maybe stop making mistakes. Are there any other MM out there that has gone through this that can help me?

 

OMG -

What if she DID come to your house?? It really doesn't sound like you guys thought this through!! You should always think of these things .... ALWAYS!! If you like your perfect, convenient life as it is - ugh ....

 

Didn't promise her anything PER SE??????? WOW. Yeah. Heard that too. Emotions were there correct? If she knew your were married when you got involved, then she is not an innocent either, but I can understand where she is coming from in your line. You made declarations of love to her - correct? You've shown her you love her too - correct? Why and how could she NOT be confused and hurt? She is in love with a man who is not sure if he should stay in his convenient world, or who loves her too!! Love is not a word that should be thrown around lightly!!! I really wish you could see that ....

 

Of course you miss her. Of course you think of her - but what about her? What does she do when you are not together? Does she think of how you and your wife are together? That the few hours you sneak away are even close to being fulfilling?

 

I don't mean to sound harsh - but the no promises part - that just got to me. As an OW - I too was never promised anything, and he promised that he would never lie to me. Posts like this just hit a little to close to home.

 

Talk to your wife. And you are friends with her dad? He knows you can't choose his little girl over a marriage of convenience or a happier life?

 

I replied to your other post too. IC helped some - but I hit a snag when I refused to give up MM. Good luck - but if you really do not want your wife to find out ----- YOU should be the one to tell her who the OW is, etc.

[SavannahSmiles]

Pathetic thread. Troubled soul - you are beyond troubled. Just stay with your W. That's what you really want to do anyway. Stay with her and still keep OW. It's the best of both worlds. Yeah, that's it. No troubles dude.

[pureinheart]

I feel terrible for your OW.

 

Can you outline why you would stay with your W? We all hear about the kids, the family, the social implications, work, etc. But your situation seems pretty cut and dry. You don`t love her, she doesn`t love you, you are probably decent friends.... but other than that... It must be very confusing for your OW to know you feel one way, and not be able to act on it.

 

You are 57 years old. You know that life is very short. Live it! enjoy it! LOVE IT! stop sitting around being content with nothingness... imagine the joy you will have when you are witht

 

Your counseller should not have given you advice that is steared towards societal norms and their own bias`. While I appreciate that you need to go to counselling, it sounds to me as though you may have the wrong counseller who has been hurt in the past. You need a counseller who can help you work through your indecision objectively.

 

That being said... I still don`t get where the confusion and indecision is coming from. No... 8.5 months is not long enough to know that you have foudn your forever for real girl... but what do you have to lose?

 

DO NOT Call your OW today, unless you have a real birthday present for her - your decision

 

 

In bold...right there says it all...excellent LG.

[OWoman]

Hello-

I'm in love with the other woman.

I posted a thread on the infidelty board and if you are an OW can you please read it and give me your opinion about what I should do now?

 

If you were my OW based on everything I've written how are you feeling? Do you know I still care about you? Are you so mad that you'll never speak to me again? SHould I just leave you alone?

 

Please help

 

My H is around your age.

He was also M to his BW for more than three decades - and with her since he was a child (she's older).

They also led a very "comfortable" life.

Like your M, his W was also emotionally cold toward him, and like your M, there was no prospect of anything changing.

Like you, he also felt he'd never experienced anything like it when he fell in love with me.

Unlike your M, they have kids.

 

But the big difference is - he did something about it.

 

He went to counselling, he did the work - and he left his BW. We've been together full-time, happily, since then - and he's never looked back. Not a moment's regret, not a second thought. He wakes up each day, excited at the prospect of another day with the woman he loves, thrilled to be enjoying the anticipation of what's to come, rather than dreading it. Feeling truly alive, rather than counting off the moments until death.

 

TS it sounds to me that you're not a troubled soul, but a depressed one. Not depressed as in unhappy, but low levels of clinical depression - that feeling of fatalism, of a lack of agency, of "is this it?" coupled with glimpses of hope that slip through your fingers. But you have a choice. You can stay as you are for the rest of your "life" - if you can term it that; more a kind of anaesthetised somnolence - or you can chose to change. Get some counselling, take charge of your life, toss out the old clutter that no longer fits - your BW, your stifling lifestyle, whatever - and embrace the aspects that are appropriate to the "you" you want to be.

 

Don't mess your OW around blowing hot and cold. If you decide you want a new life, with her - then make a concrete plan for doing so, and put it in action - and then let her know. If she sees you actually DOING something instead of fantasizing impotently, she might remember what attracted her to you in the first place, and be willing to give it a go. But it needs actions, not just words. A real plan, with real deliverables by real dates.

 

You've said that your situation with your BW is uncomplicated - so once set in motion, the plan should move ahead quickly. Speak to a lawyer and get a realistic timeframe from him, if you choose life.

 

Otherwise, why not go shopping now for a nice shroud, and start picking out music for your funeral?

[BB07]

Absolutely AWESOME post OWoman!

[bananalaffytaffy]

Let me ask you this, OP.

Had your OW not shown you the door, had she been willing to accept your "cake-eating" behavior forever, would your have ever pursued a divorce? I doubt it. You didn't love this OW. You loved the attention she gave you. She deserves a lot of credit for showing you the door. She also deserves a man that will act like a man, not a complacent coward.

 

Leave her alone. Let her find the happiness that she most certainly deserves.

[OWoman]

If you were my OW based on everything I've written how are you feeling? Do you know I still care about you? Are you so mad that you'll never speak to me again? SHould I just leave you alone?

 

Please help

 

TS, I'm not sure if you're checking these replies or just your thread in Infidelity, but this thread might help you to get some understanding of where your OW might be. This OW's situation has some things in common with yours, so you may be able to relate.

[TroubledSoul1]

Owoman-

My head is spinning.............

need to take a rest

[scatterd]

I have to say you girls have away of letting a guy know where the bear ***** in the woods but he does not want to hear what the wifes think Can you emotion how hard this is on his wife?God bless her This life altering for all involved she most likely has been hurt alto herself woman have feelings M S or Not.We need to speak for each other because non of us woman deserve pain.It takes two to Tango wifes usually never get their side heard.Good day ladys.

[Heather1]

I tried to read all of both threads....

 

In answer to your first question, of course she wants you to get ahold of her but not in the current condition of your R. You did the old get close & dump that all you OM seem to do & it's really a nightmare for us. We get close, feel good and thinking "all good" & the rug gets ripped out from under us. It's the worst kind of rejection & it's worth the NC for it never to happen again. In that case, you should make a decision what exactly it is you want to do. Honestly, the OW seems like a better match.

 

Here's my take on your wife & your IC....drop them both. OK, so your married & it's wrong & you'll break your W's heart (which it doesn't really sound like). I agree w/ other W, maybe you can design your gravestones in your spare time?? My in-laws lived this way & they were depressed & miserable. At their 50th anniversary it was the most depressing thing I'd ever been to. Then here's my Mom, same age, travels all over & has never been happier. My Dad cheated on her all the time, and once they divorced SHE'S NEVER BEEN HAPPIER!! 19 years of hell, 30 years of having a spectacular life. So I think it's a bunch of bull that the W is going to suffer. You don't have a marriage, you really don't.

 

Envision your future w/ your wife. Envision your future w/ OW based on your time together so far. Who's your best match? If you decide to stay w/ your wife, I'll give you my in-laws medal & their prozac.

 

Don't get ahold of OW until you've made a concrete decision.

[PhoenixRise]

As I pointed out on his other thread, what this OP wants out of his life is not the same thing the OW wants.

 

OW wants him to divorce AND to marry her eventually. She said she never wants to co-habitate without being married.

 

This OP if he divorces NEVER wants to marry again. He only wants to

co-habitate.

 

I think this is a big part of the reason why he is not leaving. AND if this OW is younger than he is, has never married or had her own children I have to wonder if she knows how he feels about getting married again.

 

I know he is not being honest with his wife, I suspect he is not being honest with OW either.

 

His issues go deeper than a dead marriage and star crossed love for another.

[MizzBlue72]

I do have to tell you that MM do leave. Yes - it is a hard decision. But you do have to choose to leave for you, and not the OW.

 

My MM is now living in my state and we see each other all the time. He gave up a lot to be here, but he knew that he couldn't live a lie anymore. He and the W were not in love. He can afford to live a really great life. He decides to live modestly - and I love him more today than I ever have. Now - we are taking it slow while he ties his loose ends up. I just wanted to tell you - he did make a choice. And you can too.

 

You have the power to choose. Right or wrong - your choice. Just don't make the choice because of a woman. Make it for you.

[White Flower]

Imagine how hard it is to be in love with someone who values you less than comfort and convenience.

TS1, LB makes a very good point here. My MM is in IC and he is trying to figure out his hesitation as well and I believe it comes down to the comfort zone and the predictability of his BW. You are lazy and when I say lazy I mean disgusting lazy. I haven't read your other thread yet but I will.

 

BTW, what I just posted is the reason many MM don't post at all. Thanks for taking it and sticking around; it sounds as though you're really trying to figure this out.

 

So far I've seen you say that you had a real connection with your OW but I haven't seen you go as far as saying she is your soulmate or that you can't live without her. You don't want to live without her but you haven't said you can't. Maybe that is the difference you would hope to feel?

 

And what is even more disgusting is that your comfort zone, should you choose that over love, is that you hurt all three people in this triangle instead of just one. And don't delude yourself into thinking your W wins if she gets to keep you because she doesn't know everything does she.

 

You don't win either, should you stay in the M, because you forego passion and love for comfort. Your W only gets a ghost of the man she once knew. That is not winning my friend.

 

Your OW loses as well. She loses the love of her life. She may win in the future though if she finds someone worthy of her and with you out of the picture she just may do so very soon.

 

You are kind of lucky actually. I'm not sure a lot of MM have the support of the potential future FIL. It sounds like her father is already accepting of you and that is a great start to any permanent R.