Why Do Women Need Space??????????????

[glasshammer]

If you love us, You love us. What do you need space to think about?

If you love us and want to be with us, Why must you have space??

 

 

This world is crummy. Life is too short...If you have a special someone and

it's a good thing, Why do these women risk losing it by asking for time alone

or space to sort things out?

[dario]

I think everyone needs communication.

 

I know, being with my ex, there were times when I needed space and din't

say anything.

 

She eventually did and it sent me into a spin.

 

I think women and men...everyone needs space and if the reason is genuine...I mean,

if they're not just palming you off...if they really need space for their own sanity

it's best to adhere to them. Tell them that you care...but adhere to it. It's hard.

 

Why do people need space? To sort themselves out without 'you' for a period of time. To assess the situation. To not lose themselves. I've probably not answered this right.

 

I can only speak from my own personal situation. Space doesn't always indicate the end...

[RobertoPNW]

People need space to not allow themselves to be persuaded from what they feel is right. Or they need to think about what is right, away from the confusion. They don't want to have to defend themselves right now, so better to back off and let them think. Time has to pass to allow for the hurt to subside.

 

In the meantime, if you allow for a change of heart in yourself then the other person can be influenced to have a similar change of heart. But only if that other person is willing.

 

Love can get confused in all the turmoil. Don't force it.

[Vivid_29]

For the same reason, why men need space. Works both ways!

 

It's a way of letting us know, without hurting our feelings, 'hey, i've lost it for you and am interested in someone else, but be there for me, in case I want to come back'.

 

~V

[amerikajin]

Once again, brother Vivid speaks gospel.

 

I think that's your bottom line. "I need space" means "hit the road" (or "bugger off" for people in the UK).

[Arabess]

Originally posted by amerikajin

Once again, brother Vivid speaks gospel.

 

Amen.

[heartburn]

There was a survey did last year that shows that couples that spend time apart, their relationship last longer. Couples that spend alot of time together usually ends up in separation and divorce. I personally don't enjoy being around my man 27/7. Space is necessary. Distance makes the heart fonder.

[bicylejunk]

That's what i wanted, And I'm a guy. I wanted a little space in our 3 year relationship, but she didn't want to.

she wanted to be with me all the time, I mean ALL the time. So I just enjoyed it. We were a 24/7 couple.

I always asked her to tell me if she ever needed space and if she ever needed "woman" time or time out with

the girls, But she always declined.

 

 

Then she left me because she felt she had given so much attention to me and not to herself.

 

 

I guess there's no way I could have avoided that one. Life goes on.

[tattoomytoe]

well ever since i started dating my bf, i told him upfront, not that i need space, but i need time to myself. he loves to be with me, wants know where i am going...that is all fine, but i just have to get out of our house by myself... iwould rather just chill at home by myself...but he is usually there. he does go out with his friends which is always so nice...and it is not that i do not love him, i do with all my heart.....but i just have to be alone to regroup.

[RobertoPNW]

Originally posted by bicylejunk

Then she left me because she felt she had given so much attention to me and not to herself.

 

Maybe she meant you hadn't given back the attention she gave to you?

[bicylejunk]

Roberto- I won't argue that, But at the same time I slightly disagree but Who knows.

 

 

I mean I tried a bunch to always be there for her, not because I felt I had to, But because I wanted to.

I did tons of stuff for her, Our anniversaries were always a big deal to me, I would constantly send her little notes

to say I love you, flowers, try to take her places, tried to be super romantic because I was so in love. In Fact, I felt

at times that I was a lot more thoughtful than she was...But I didn't mind.

 

I think she just got bored with herself, not really me, well maybe us, but needed more excitement and maybe realized that it was her that needed to start doing something with her life. And sometimes I felt bad because I knew what I wanted and was pursuing a career the whole time we were together and she didn't. But my goals never interfered or took tons of my time away from her. In fact sometimes I cancelled things or turned things down, just to be with her. I just wanted to be with her all the time. I think she did too, But when she realized, Hey I haven't done anything for myself, like My boyfriend has, he knows what he wants to do, And I don't. He has a talent in his career choice, I have no talent and feel worthless.

 

Anyway, As much As I always tried to build her up, Inspire her, Give her support, Help her stay positive (she has low self-esteem) I guess she just had to be apart from me to figure out her thing. It kills me to this day, to have to be without her, but that's life I guess.

But space is important I think. especially for women. We need to feel like we are our own person and not totally dependent

on the other person for survival, I think that's what my girl's problem was.

[steffany]

Well I'm not sure if this is what you want to hear or not. Let me start by telling you I have been in a relationship for about 2 years. Oh it's great. I really love him and adore him. I was single for many years before I met him.

 

I loved being single! I am not the mushy romantic type at all. I loved my freedom and I loved myself. I could go for weeks without atlking to anyone on the phone or being with someone in my free time. I was completely happy alone. I had hobbies and favorite movies and silly times with my girl friends that can never be replaced.

 

Then I met this guy. I was scared to move too fast but I really fell hard for him. I sudennly went from me to we. Not too big of a deal at first. I really loved having someone to share my thoughts dreams and hobbies with. I had free time that was being spent just hangin with my guy. I'm not even sure why we had two apartments aside from the fact I'm a Daddy's girl and he would hate that!

 

One day my guy has to go out of town for awhile. I suddenly realize I have forgotten how to be content alone! Whoa! I couldn't stop talking to my friends on the phone and meeting them for dinners. It was really strange.

 

I was so happy when my guy came home! But after a while I realized that I was becoming a we! I need to be a me. Maybe everyone doesn't need this but some of us do. I started coming up with excuses...just all kinds of stuff. But all in all I just needed some space to be myself on my own.

 

Oh I loved him don't get me wrong. I adored him. I still think about him daily and wish he is there when I have become my stronger self again.

 

See some of us get so wrapped up in the we that we tend to forget about the sanity of the most important person...the me.

 

Take what you want from it but all in all you are important to you and wouldn't it freak you out just a little if you felt that someone else had consumed every thought you had and every thing you did? Even the food I bought to cook revolved somewhat around my guy.

 

I didn't leave him because of him...I left him in search of who I was without the other person.

 

It's important to keep a sence of self in this world, ya know? One day it's just going to be you and your going to have to make it on your own.

[dario]

Well said steffany.

 

All hindsight stuff for me. You should never lose yourself.

[bicylejunk]

That's Cool Steffany, But what about the Guy you left? It's almost as if He was loved and then that love was taken away from him, because you got scared that you couldn't be on your own, Be your own person.

 

 

I personally feel that it is totally easy to balance the two. I'm like you Steff, I'm a guy and I'm totally content

with being on my own doing my own things, Don't need someone around all the time to keep me company...

In fact I hate getting phone calls and hate talking on the phone, It's fun, but i don't need to be with friends all the time

In fact before I met my girl, I was the same as you were before you met your guy.

 

But Here I started a relationship with a girl that was totally into me and wanted to be with me all the time.

I'll admit at first it was overwhelming but I loved her so much. Yeah SOmetimes I wished for a day off just so we

could do our own thing. But Yeah, I guess maybe after a while of us being together all the time and enjoying her company 24/7 I started thinking "If she goes out, what am I going to do?" But I got that out of my head and just balanced the two. I didn't need to

split up with her to get back in touch with ME. The food I bought to cook revolved around my girl 100%, but that's what a loving couple does. You compromise. It's a balance. I just don't see why we need a clean break from a loved one to find ourselves.

You talk it out. You change things. Go on a vacation with friends, Take a trip by yourself, Ask for a weekend alone, If the person you are with is loving and understanding(like I was for my girl) It's no big deal. Not to knock you or anyone.

 

In this world it seems like there's too much: "you're getting too close, I need me time." Me Me Me. Take care of Number one(yourself), by all means, But be a giving person and don't let selfishness mess with your mind, if it doesn't have to. If the person you are with is cool and loves you, They should be understanding. If it's just because you just don't like the guy/girl, Tell them up front that you want to move on.

[dario]

bicylejunk, that hit the spot.

 

You need total communication. It sent me into a spin when I didn't get a clean answer.

[amerikajin]

Don't go too hard on Steffany. I think another thing that needs to be taken into account here is that this was (from what I can tell) her first major relationship. That being the case, sometimes it takes one of these before you can make sense of who you are and what you want in terms of a partner.

 

I think there are two ways to approach marriage. You either find "someone" and "settle" with them, and you live with them under almost any circumstances (the traditional marriage), or you attempt the ideal romantic marriage, in which you try to enter the partnership as equals and on mutually agreed upon terms. It's important in any case to be realistic about what marriage means and to communicate your definition of it to your partner. One of the mistakes I made in my last relationship was that I didn't communicate with her well - I think I was so head over heels that I just couldn't think straight. She made me feel as nobody ever had and I didn't want to say or do anything that would jeopardize that, and I always kept talking around my true feelings. I wasn't intending to do anything wrong, but in retrospect, it was dishonest on my part, and I regret that.

 

I've gone through several less meaningful relationships in the time since, and I've always gone out of my way up front to tell whoever I'm dating that I simply don't want to make any kind of commitments at this point.

[reasontosigh]

I've gone through several less meaningful relationships in the time since, and I've always gone out of my way up front to tell whoever I'm dating that I simply don't want to make any kind of commitments at this point

 

With the skill of a United Nations diplomat I'd say, if they stuck with you after that!

[amerikajin]

>>>In this world it seems like there's too much: "you're getting too close, I need me time." Me Me Me.<<<

 

Humans are individuals first and couples second. Romance is a conditional relationship - conditional on the fact that you, as an individual, are getting what you want out of the relationship. I think maybe we're too programmed to speak what we really want to say, because we're either afraid we're going to say the wrong thing, or that we're going to say the right thing but the other person won't understand what we're saying.

 

I don't know them personally, but my mother once told me of a couple she knows. Every year, they spend something like a month apart from each other. They agreed a long time ago that while they need each other, they also need a vacation from each other once in a while. As far as I remember, they've been married quite a while. Of course not everyone needs that degree of separation. Some couples can't get enough of each other and they've been married 50 years. Others sleep in different rooms and have been married just as long. It's all about getting someone who matches your idea of what a marriage is and making the effort to live up to your commitment.

 

I think the difference between today's marriage and yesterday's is that there are so many choices now that are available to us as individuals that we didn't have before. In the old days, you got married young, you had kids and you stayed married. That was the social expectation, and it was a brave soul (or pair of souls) who divorced. My mother was one of those brave souls who divorced her first husband in the late 1960s, a few years before she remarried to my father. Her own mother and father were steadfastly against the idea and it caused some bitterness between her and my grandmother. Now, both men and women have careers; these careers take longer to develop; we live in a more mobile society; and divorce is seen as socially acceptable for both genders. Life and love are more complicated than ever, which is why more time and care must be taken into selecting a partner.

[steffany]

Well you will be glad to hear after just a week or two I couldn't stand being without him totally.

 

So WE talked about everything and he didn't want to be with out me in his life either. So this is what happened:

 

I had a girls night once on the weekend and once during the week. Now I could spend it alone or with my family or with my girls...whomever.

 

Then the other three days of the work week since I had to get up early for school and he did not we would eat dinner together and then I would go back to my place with enough time to relax, shower and get ready for bed.

 

On the weekends we would DO things. Like go hang out at the mall, movies, muesems, concerts, clubs....get out and about.

 

Things worked out so well! It was like we had just met again but had all the love of a long time relationship. We learned a lot more about eachother than we had before by smothering eachother!

 

Anyhow we got engaged about a year later. Biggest mistake ever was moving in together before we were married...or maybe not. But I came home early from work one friday and there was a pregant woman in my apartment. He was not there. I figured it must be a cousin or something. I was polite and played hostess. She started asking me questions about why I had a key to my bf apartment.

 

Anyhow long story short he had a one night stand got her pregnant then lied and said he lived with a guy friend and was filling her head with stories of them getting together and him being the DAD of the baby.

 

He never said a thing to me for 7.5 months! He was telling her lies or he was telling me lies...which ever way I got burnned and I got burnned bad.

 

So it was good I got intouch with myself when I did...because I was strong enough to pick myself up and get on with life!

[amerikajin]

Steff,

 

I'm a big believer in things happening for a reason. Maybe we're not able to make sense of it at the time, but we do eventually if we're wise enough and pay attention to our senses.

 

Interesting that you look back at moving in with your bf as a mistake - I do, too, in my relationship. I don't have a problem living with someone if you're on the road to marriage, but if you're not there yet, why rush it? It's probably not right though to draw a comparison between my relationship and yours - different circumstances. It's just that in the context of modern romance, we keep hearing about how people should move in to give the relationship a spin around the block...to check to see if the guy leaves the toilet seat up and all that business. We don't always hear about the negatives - and I'm not an ultra religious guy, either.

[steffany]

No doubt things happen for a reason! Because when I was alone painting and indoor rock climbing and just sitting in the park by myself on my times away; I realized a lot of things about me. I am so happy now with who I am. I am 100% comfortable in my skin. Well excpet with my parents....but they are from the old world and things are so different in their eyes then mine. With them I am comfortable with me but am aware it would blow them away from what they were taught is right and wrong so I pick and choose what I tell them and how much I tell them.

 

 

But I went back to school and now have 2 associate degrees and a 4 year degree. I made awsome friends along the way. Some I've kept others that just disappeared when I graduated but all left an impression and helped me to continue to find new parts of myself.

 

And I do not beleive that two people should live together before marraige. Well at least it's not for me. I should have been smart enough to know there had to be a reason my father and mother were so against it.

 

Maybe a lot of my problem is I am a hopeless romantic. Which being such a tomboy makes it hard for others to realize how much romance I am waiting on from this world. So I paint and write...maybe to romance myself. Or maybe to keep my spirit alive in such a romance free place.

 

But one day my prince will come along and I will not need to know before hand if he squeezes the toothpaste in the middle or rolls it up from the bottom.

 

I agree there is someone (hopefully more than 1 someone) out there for all of us. Even if you never marry there will be something or someone in your life that suites your life style just right.

[bicylejunk]

Steff, I'm sorry about what happened with that guy, That's a horrible thing to experience.

And Please don't think i'm knocking you or anyone else.

 

I TOO believe that it was a mistake moving in with my girlfriend. In fact I protested it in the beginning because

i didn't want it to ruin anything, I didn't want her to feel stressed like we were married but she pushed for it.

But the way it worked out, I needed a place to live and so did she because her parents and my parents

were both moving away to other cities. Mine to new york, Hers to San francisco. So we decided to move in

together and I just went along with it and enjoyed it we tried to make it work.

 

My only thing that I guess I struggle with in this world is that, I'm a romantic too and maybe I give my heart too fully

in a relationship, but sometimes i think what else are we here for? My fancy car or my Kick Ass Job?

It's almost to the point of fairy tale romance for me. I totally feed off movies like Say Anything or Casablanca or Wuthering Heights or

Some Kind of Wonderful. I'm a man and not a wussy, but I have that sensitive side all the way.

I'm just that way, I love romance.

 

I agree with taking your time and looking long and hard for a match. I'd rather be alone if I couldn't be witht he one I love.

But nobody is pefect. everybody has faults and quirks and silly little things here and there. AMERIKAJIN is Right.

Life and Love are a little more complicated now In our Society. We are given all of these choices. I just don't

want to roam around in live usung up all of those choices. I believed in my girl, But now she's gone. She had

faults and things that would annoy me from time to time, Was it totally ruining my life? NO, So It was no big deal.

I just think too many people walk around in life trying to find that perfect perfect match with a fear of not being able

to be themselves or feel independent.