...going crazy

[Hopeful_J]

Ok, firstly, I apologize that this is so long...

 

My husband and I have been separated for 14 months, and he asked me to sign divorce paperwork in Jan. During most of these 14 months, he's been extremely distant (we still see each other when we pick up or drop off our daughter w/each other, and he was/is always sure to make that time brief, rarely even saying "hello").

 

To give you an example of an instance that occured right after we separated, we had agreed to spend a couple of hours together once or twice per month. When he continued to blow me off, I eventually asked him about it. He said, "Listen, I have absolutely NO interest in spending any time w/you. I'm not in love w/you, and I haven't been for a while. I wouldn't have been able to leave if I had still been in love w/you at the time". He later said that he wasn't trying to being mean to me, but that, if it weren't for our daughter, he would cut all ties w/me.

 

Other than what was absolutely necessary to care for our daughter, he felt no need to have a relationship of any kind w/me, or to communicate (so, he never updated me on anything, including appointments w/the pediatrician, when she took her first steps, etc), though I thought it was info we should still share, at least for the sake of parenting, and it hurt to have him "keep it" from me.

 

I absolutely can say that his anger toward me during the separation was something I deserved, due to numerous mistakes I made throughout our time together. I've always fought a battle within myself, due to a combination of severe depression and and inability to be honest with myself and others, and until last year, I've never gotten the kind of help I really needed. My husband begged me to get help time and time again, but I never realized how desperately I needed help, and how much I was hurting him (as well as everyone else in my life) until he announced tearfully that he'd been pushed over the edge, and wanted a separation. This was when I finally got the wakeup call that finally got me to admit to myself that I did, in fact, need help.

 

Since then, I've become a new person, and I'm not just saying this for the sake of trying to please others. Those around me have noticed a huge difference in me, and I feel amazing. Even my physical health has improved. Also, I've lost the desire to be dishonest, and there's no effort involved.

 

So, here's when I get to what's been confusing me. I recently noticed that my husband is talking to me again, and he's not only talking to me, he's being...nice. He had been so angry and untrusting w/me that, starting in November of last year, he was barely letting me see our daughter, and he always "required" the visits to be brief and supervised.

 

A week ago, he let me be alone w/her! Plus, she turned 2 on the 21st, and his grandparents from NJ arrived on the same day as my sister from OR. My family had a small get-together on Friday in Boston (2 hours away). I wanted to take my daughter, but my husband's mother said that our daughter needed to be around to visit w/her great grandparents from NJ all weekend, so she didn't want our daughter going to Boston w/me.

 

At first, my husband stood by his mom's decision, but then called me back, apologized, and said that he'd talk to his mom to try and work something out so that our daughter could share time w/both families. Not only was this nice of him (unusual behavior, given how he's been during the last year), but it means he's once again trusting me on my own with our daughter (and he even got his mother to change her mind, which also is unusual behavior).

 

He also asked about getting a couple of toy boxes that I was keeping at a storage unit, and the two of us met there, chatted and joked around while looking through the unit. He even stopped to talk about his new job for a few minutes before we went our seperate ways, and he totally looks right into my eyes now when we talk, instead of at the floor, like he used to when he was still so angry. Plus, he never used to answer the phone when I called or would respond to my texts, and does almost every time I call or text now.

 

In Jan, I asked if I could come over to talk, and he tentatively agreed. I read a letter I'd written him that really stated an honestly what's been going on in my life for the last year, and filled him in on things from when we were together that I thought were important (things I'd become aware of that I never realized then) for him to hear. One of the things I thanked him for, actually, was for leaving. I told him that all I'd ever wanted for him was happiness, and I had come to realize that staying w/the person I had become during our marriage wasn't someone who could provide that for him, and I also told him that I admired his strength and courage, as I knew that leaving was hard. I knew that part of why he was leaving was for the safety of his family (it was the only chance that I'd get help, it was the only way he could get himself out of a detrimental situation, and our daughter just couldn't be in an environment where there was so much misery).

 

Part of me wonders if that conversation woke him up to the fact that, if he allowed himself to open his eyes, he'd see that the person he was so angry with, that had hurt him so deeply, didn't exist anymore. Who knows. Here's my question... Am I jumping to conclusions by thinking that my husband may be having thoughts about a possible reconciliation? I have this fear that I want to reconcile badly enough that I'm just reading too deeply into things. However, everything that I've written is true, no exaggerations. My other fear is that he just wants to be friends, and that I could be misreading those signs, as well. Maybe he's happy about something else, and is being nice to me because of that? Please help me...I'm going crazy trying to figure this out. Should I just wait it out? What should I do?? Opinions??