Odd friendship without benefits???

[emerald04]

I am in a strange situation and I need advice. A guy that I used to know (associate not friend) and I recently reconnected. We have become fast friends, I would say best friends really. We talk about everything and in the past month have spent all but maybe 4 or 5 nights together. After our first "date"/meeting, we had the "let's just be friends" talk. He pointed out he has plenty of friends with benefits situations just as I have that type of relationship and what he doesn't have is someone that he can really talk to and relate to intellectually. I agreed. We both date other people but neither of us really wants a long term rel'ship at this point in our lives.

 

From the beginning we've cuddled, slept in the same bed, held hands, etc... We have not kissed or been intimate. He is not gay (I promise). He has always joked we are "cuddle" friends. We both initiate cuddling but I probably do the initiating more.

 

He asks me to hang out 90% of the time. He contacts me first 90% of the time. He flirts a bit (mostly in text) but when I flirt back he reminds me of the "friends" talk about 50% of the time.

 

Of course you know where this is going. Spending every night with him, spending almost all of my free time (except date nights/f-w-b nights) with him, etc... has led to me really falling for him. In a way, it's almost more intimate with him than my f-w-b.

 

So I recently drank a little too much and made a pass at him. He didn't respond, and instead took care of me and made sure I was ok. The next day I told him I was humiliated and embarrassed and even more so b/c he was unattracted to me and rejected me. He said he wasn't unattracted just didn't take advantage of people.

 

So we recently had a fight and then when we "made up" I was very upset still. During the fight I told him I was having trouble staying emotionally uninvolved and that I had a crush on him, etc... so at this point he knows. He actually touched me more, kissed my cheek, and told me repeatedly he loved me. The next day he told me he was drunk which I actually don't believe b/c he did not appear drunk in the least.

 

So, again today he said he is a gentleman with me b/c our friendship is way too important to him to screw up by making awkward by sleeping together.

 

Ok, so what do I do? On the one hand I think if we were dating we wouldn't be doing much more (well except kissing and sex...) than we are now...so part of me says just enjoy it. On the other hand, I do feel way more towards him than just as a friend and it's difficult for me to be held by him every night and cuddle, hold hands, etc...only to be "just a friend".

 

Obviously I could put the axe on the cuddling, but I'm not sure I want to give it up. If he were getting sex, I could so understand this weirdness. The fact that he's not, well I don't get it. Is he not attracted to me? Would you cuddle nightly with someone you weren't attracted to? Isn't the "our friendship is too imp" thing just a lame excuse for I don't feel that way about you or is it possible since he's a bit of a player that he really does feel more for me but doesn't want to screw up our friendship even though he is interested in me?

 

I know there isn't a magic formula either to make someone want you the way you want them, but I am wondering if I should be less available to him. I'm always available when he wants to hang out unless I've planned something with someone else and then he knows that beforehand.

 

Any advice is welcome. I just can't understand what he is getting from this....I mean, if we were just friends fine...but why the cuddling?

[You Go Girl]

Wow. I'm not sure if I can read this guy right having never met him, etc., but what I do see is a man that might believe if he sleeps with you he will lose respect for you.

Is this guy an old fashioned romantic or something? Is he considering you for marriage? Or does he have the Madonna/whore complex?

This cuddling thing...I just don't know if it's right for you. The two of you are acting like a married couple, almost playing house. What's up with that?

[emerald04]

I know him and I can't read him either! We are definitely "playing house". The night he was supposedly drunk he told me he loved, respected, and trusted me with all his heart. I definitely know he respects me, and I do think he respects other girls less...but I also kinda think he wants to be more successful so he "settles" for girls below him b/c they are easy and he isn't really interested in them.

 

He is a bit old-fashioned when he's honest, not necessarily old school, but at his core he has traditional values.

 

All he says is we have this great friendship and an amazing intellectual connection, that we like the same things and have so much in common that the friendship is just too important to him to ruin by making it awkward with sex. Is it maybe that he's not ready for a rel'ship, and b/c he respects me he's not willing to have sex and leave me like he is other girls or even just not be serious?

 

The cuddling thing and playing house is attaching me emotionally to him in a way that is way more than friends. Who has a friend like this? I think the cuddling thing pushes it past friendship anyways.

[Ms. Anne Thrope]

"is it possible since he's a bit of a player that he really does feel more for me but doesn't want to screw up our friendship even though he is interested in me?"

 

No, it's not possible (sorry if that's too harsh). There is not a man alive that IF he were friends with a girl, AND they got along as great as you two do, AND you hung out all the time as you two do AND he WERE attracted to you WOULDN'T have had sex with you by now. Men don't think about things like "I don't want to screw up the friendship". They're dumb, but they're not THAT dumb. I'm sure he'd be as thrilled as a WOMAN would to find that he had found a partner in his best friend (that's what everyone WANTS, don't they?) He simply isn't attracted to you sweetie. He just doesn't want to come out and say it straight out because he cares about you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings. So why all the cuddling you ask? Why not? It's nice to cuddle, isn't it? And like you said, you initiate it most of the time. Try NOT initiating it and see how often it happens..... I bet it wouldn't happen very often. Please stop being his "back-up" girl. You're not giving yourself enough credit....... If you can't be friends with him without having these strong feelings, take a break for a while. You deserve ALL of it, not just a quarter of a relationship, you know?

 

- J -

[flagpolecorner]

This is similar to my own situation (see post from weekend) with the roles in reverse really. Some very uncanny and almost scary comparisons. Even after we had "the talk" about staying friends (lame cliche btw) she gave me some mixed signals which meant I never let go and got more and more hung up. Even after we had an "argument" about being friends we hooked up for the night. She always claimed to not share my feelings though and it confused (still does obviously) why someone could be so mixed in their signals, especially with a friend if they didn't want something to happen. It's not nice to toy with someone's emotions like that, especially if they know how you feel.

 

The advice I can give from my [one] experience is to draw a line under it somewhere sooner rather than later. If the two of you don't feel the same way then it has no future, not short-medium term anyway. Me personally, I was too scared to make the final move and I didn't want to bring up the issue of "us. I didn't want to rock the boat, break the status quo etc. so let it drift and escalate and that was the worst thing possible.

 

Of course you don't want to end the cuddling etc. because any intimacy feels nice but to be physically and emotionally involved with someone while the other person is just physical isn't nice for you in the long term. The more you carry on with it, the more you convnice yourself and build up this big picture of mutual affection when it may not exist at al. Then reality sets in and it's not a nice feeling. You don't want that, trust me. And you don't want to let it get so far that going back to being friends is impossible.

[ADF]

Here's a simple suggestion: establish some sensible boundries, then stick to them. A good place to start would be to stop cuddling in bed with men you're not having sex with.