Marry or not to marry...

[nowomanocry]

Hi everyone

 

This is my first thread after being banned for about a month or so. Really thought about whether or not to post this but hey, it's life isn't it, everyone make mistakes and everyone here know that I do not intend to hurt anyone's feelings. So heres my story....

 

I was here on loveshack after my LDR affair of 3 years ended... It is over and we are NC since the r/s ended. I have gotten over her. No regrets, do not feel anything towards her.

 

Last month, I met a new person, 42, has some emotional baggage such as.....she is adopted & does not know her real parents, she was sexually abused by dad and took her long time to forgive him. Her step uncle wants to live with him and he's fixated with her. Had a very long (around 13 years of relationship) and lost a baby at birth in hospital, army veteran suffered a bad wound on leg due to a bomb explosion, now working as a teacher....Had a bad partnership experience with a guy here which ended with him ripping her off and she running away etc. Due to army thing shes very strict at home, has off-limits and really exhausts you a lot with rules at home (no smoking areas, tidying etc.) ...shes black or white kind of person. Last problem is that she drinks a lot and when drunk really can get out of hand starting fights (all with a reason so she is never a trouble starter out of nothing), to an extent even pushing my limits (even if not often at least one a week or something). Finally, She's the worst cook I have ever met.

 

Good sides of her are: she is straightforward, inspires a lot of confidence in me, our sex life is good, she has an excellent career and CV, apart from the drunk fights we have a lot in common, really a lot that we share, she's in love with me and even to a point of sacrificing herself for me (that what she says).

 

She insists that we are good together and should marry. We met a month ago, and now she wants to move where I am (she is also a citizen of my country of origin). We have spent four week-ends together first one was really good and the others we had a couple of bad moments due to her getting drunk and starting on me (we have different family backgrounds. I have a happy family life love my mum and dad whileas her parents are all dead and she does not have good childhood memories. so all fight seems to originate from her childhood memories). The day after the fight, she feels extremely guilty or behaving that way, sometimes does not remember what happened and apologises all the time and she's constantly worried that I might leave her because of this crap. She has not had a serious relationship for about 12 years after she broke up with her ex.

 

I know that it is too early to decide for a marriage and I do not understand why she's so keen on doing it. I feel like I really don't know her enough so I asked her for more time.

 

On my side, she's good apart from all the emotional baggage of the past in her mind that is mostly aroused after drinking, but when together we really have a good time.

 

I am really undecided about the whole thing and would love to hear any similar experiences .

 

Cheers

[quankanne]

in all honesty? She needs to get professional help to deal with that baggage of hers, because I see yellow flags in your post – not bad enough to tell you to walk away, because she *can* do something to help herself, yet enough to tell you to be cautious.

 

frankly, wanting to marry someone after only knowing them a month is the big red flag here – why does she need to be married to you so quickly? I'm sure you're a great guy and y'all get along well, but again, there's just too much baggage in her life that needs to be resolved.

 

from your end of things, it kind of sounds like you've got a pro/con list going as you try to convince yourself about pursuing a more serious relationship. If it's down to that, maybe y'all ARE going too fast!

[dreamingoftigers]

after the sex and fun wear off, this sound like a real disaster waiting to happen.

[norajane]

She insists that we are good together and should marry. We met a month ago

 

Back away from the crazy. Nothing good will come out of this relationship.

[make me believe]

SOOOOO many red flags here. I recommend you RUN from this woman as fast as you possibly can. I agree with quankanne, she absolutely needs to get professional help to deal with all of her baggage. It doesn't sound like she's even capable of being in a healthy relationship at this point. Do NOT marry this woman, especially after only knowing her for a month!

[nowomanocry]

in all honesty? She needs to get professional help to deal with that baggage of hers, because I see yellow flags in your post – not bad enough to tell you to walk away, because she *can* do something to help herself, yet enough to tell you to be cautious.

 

frankly, wanting to marry someone after only knowing them a month is the big red flag here – why does she need to be married to you so quickly? I'm sure you're a great guy and y'all get along well, but again, there's just too much baggage in her life that needs to be resolved.

 

from your end of things, it kind of sounds like you've got a pro/con list going as you try to convince yourself about pursuing a more serious relationship. If it's down to that, maybe y'all ARE going too fast!

 

Hello quankanne

 

TY for your post. She told me shes going to see a psychiatrist for the drinking problem. She said that is all she can do at the moment and some days when we together she does not touch even a cider (maybe just to deceive me) or she really is trying. You are absolutely right to warn me, I know that myself but you know not easy to change the flow of life.... Totally agree with the baggage thing.

 

We said the "marriage" thing together when we are at peak of emotions one day. and this has been going on since. Sometimes she exaggerates and I get the hump with it and she stops. Then after a while it starts again.. you know the stuff where, when, rings etc.

 

I will deal with it to slow things down, yeah you are right.

 

Thanks a lot for your post

[nowomanocry]

You are seriously considering marrying someone you've only met how long ago? STOP!

 

Take a breather and THINK for a minute. You two need time together to find out about all the little and BIG things you won't be able to tolerate in the other. You do NOT want to get stuck in something horrible.

 

Hiya Donna

 

Bad boy me back with more trouble than before I guess eh ? Seems like my private life will always be a mess and I can't really help it. Don't know what is wrong with me lol. Like one of my friends say I think we attract all women with baggages - not normal ones. Maybe it is I am a crazy heart as well.

 

As for the time needed to know each other - Donna read the threads here you will see couples that even do not know each other after years of marriage and get their hearts broken in the end. This is crazy I know but theres no receipt to this is there or a formula for happiness. It's a gamble. You win or you loose. I always loose in bets, maybe this is the right time I do not know.

 

I did the thinking bit. Really a lot that FREAKS me out in this relationship. But what if I am missing on a great person? Because she really is very cool, never seen a woman like this before. Last time I saw her she grabbed the neck of a guy who tried to touch her - I was with friends and I ran & saved him from her. she got him on his knees begging for mercy. I heard her say "you touch me again I'll kill ya". Her stepfather was military and she was too. Maybe that is the reason, she's 42 but very fit and believe me she can really be mean her beloved are in trouble and does not have any sense of fear. She has very high moral values. Reads the bible all the time. Shes not a muslim but always respects my religion like I respect hers. Honour, integrity she says are her primary values. Do not think that I am trying to defend here. Just trying pass on my observations and what she says and does.

 

Last time we had one of these fights we were both drunk and I said I was leaving. It all happened one night after a guy in the pub tried to sit with us. She told her to ****/***. then I find out that he had actually (in between a conversation before while she was out drinking with friends) said "he could do them both (proposing a 3 some)" and that day people interfered as they almost got in a serious fight and she was ready to get him down. so he was there and I told him to back off and he was sticky enough to insist and to cut the story short we were in a foreign country so both her and (especially me) stayed out of it. Otherwise we could've ended up in jail or hospital. When we went back home she was still very aggressive and I told her to calm down and she started on me being passive in the whole thing, not helping her in the fight (which I did because if it wasn't to me I think we would be in real deep trouble) . Then she tried to slap me when I said I had enough and was leaving and I held her (I'm not bad in this either - strong guy I am) . Then she grabbed a knife from the kitchen and threatened to kill me if I left. etc. I stood there (I know I am crazy too lol) and asked her to do it and it ended with tears and apologies and making ups etc. I flew back home and since that day she's very careful with me, I feel that she's really sad of what she did and even ashamed asking me all the time if I really still wanted her etc.

 

So as you see I have got enough reasons to be freaked out - but stuck in the middle as she is not a bad person but a person with a lot of problems.

[nowomanocry]

after the sex and fun wear off, this sound like a real disaster waiting to happen.

 

That's what I say to myself from time to time.

[nowomanocry]

Back away from the crazy. Nothing good will come out of this relationship.

 

You may be right - but what about those couples who thought they knew each other, got married and had kids - divorced after 20 years?

 

She never lied to me or tried to hide her other side. She showed me who she is. First week we met she spat it all. Told me all about herself (at least loads enough to make me run away)

[nowomanocry]

SOOOOO many red flags here. I recommend you RUN from this woman as fast as you possibly can. I agree with quankanne, she absolutely needs to get professional help to deal with all of her baggage. It doesn't sound like she's even capable of being in a healthy relationship at this point. Do NOT marry this woman, especially after only knowing her for a month!

 

Should have multi-quoted this one.

 

Many thanks for your post anyway make me believe.

[Crazy Magnet]

It generally takes 3 to 6 months for the real person to emerge. Although it sounds like she has been up front and honest with you about her past and who she is, she's still got to be on her best behavior right now. Only time will tell what her true life patterns and behaviors are.

 

It looks as though you are very logical and methodical in assessing the relationship in terms of pros and cons. I'd suggest you suss those out a bit. Examine how you think the negative qualities will impact a marriage and how the positive ones will as well. Also, you mentioned nothing about her past relationships and failures. What do you know about this? Is she a bunny boiler?

[quankanne]

this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen the more you share, NWNC ... slow it the hell DOWN. If her responses are to threaten to knife you if you leave, well ... that's not healthy. And neither is being accepting of it.

 

you keep bringing those folks who divorce after years together and who still don't know each other. You know why? Because they got complacent instead of growing together. They figured, "well, it bothers me, but at least he isn't beating me, or she's good in bed, or we can't do anything to fix it that won't affect the kids" while only looking at one particular solution (divorce). They don't work out in the end because they refuse to change. And that's where YOU are headed with this woman: You're complacently accepting her unhealthy behavior; worse yet, you sound as if you're unsure of the relationship. That there should tell you, "it ain't happening."

[nowomanocry]

this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen the more you share, NWNC ... slow it the hell DOWN. If her responses are to threaten to knife you if you leave, well ... that's not healthy. And neither is being accepting of it.

 

you keep bringing those folks who divorce after years together and who still don't know each other. You know why? Because they got complacent instead of growing together. They figured, "well, it bothers me, but at least he isn't beating me, or she's good in bed, or we can't do anything to fix it that won't affect the kids" while only looking at one particular solution (divorce). They don't work out in the end because they refuse to change. And that's where YOU are headed with this woman: You're complacently accepting her unhealthy behavior; worse yet, you sound as if you're unsure of the relationship. That there should tell you, "it ain't happening."

 

Hey quankane

 

Of course I have loads of question marks in my head.... One side of me says it'll work out, the other side says "wait a minute"!

 

This is why I am here - to be able to get the opinion of you guys which I may not be able to think at the moment

 

Last but not least, never intend to criticise folks who have abided with the book of marriage, waiting at least 6 months for the real person to emerge like crazymagnet says. All I say is what happened to those proves that this ain't a rule. I have friends who have fallen in love and married 1-2 months and have a very happy long-lasting marriage

 

Thanks a lot for your valuable feedback anyway, really appreciate it!

Edited April 26, 2010 by nowomanocry

[quankanne]

I get what you're saying, NWNC, just advising you to step back and really discern why you would be so eager to rush into marriage with someone that's got some heavy baggage. The positive side to all of this is that she's already in counselling, so you know she's interested in helping herself; the negative side is all the fall-out you've described.

 

maybe the answer is to wait for marriage, but continue being with her and helping her grow. One month isn't a whole lot of time to get to know someone, even if she's shown you a certain side you never expected to see so immediately. Those whirlwind relationships that end in a long-term marriage are far and few in between; all marks have to hit just right, so to speak, things have to line up just right.

 

again, if your little voice is nagging at you to hold your horses, chances are, you know subconsciously that this relationship is something to be eased into because of the stuff that's going on.

 

or, look at it like this: If this is the gal you really feel you're meant to be with, she's worth waiting for while she gets the help she needs to better control those things in her life. LOL ... like baking a cake: You keep it in the oven just the right amount of time so that you get a nice spongy texture, not warm batter

[bananalaffytaffy]

OP- I read your post pretty carefully. I didn't read one place in that long post that you are in love with her. Why commit to spending the rest of your life with someone you're not head over heels in love with. Because if you're not head over heels right now, you never will be.

 

And why would she be pressuring you for marriage after just one month?

[Mary3]

This relationship is all about a GIANT BOMB that is going to expode on it !

 

It will take many, many , many , months to REALLY get to know this lady who has so much baggage , she could open a CRISIS center ..

 

News Flash ! Her baggage is going to be YOUR baggage ..

 

Especially the sexual abuse thing. That takes strenous counseling and way----- deeper than you could EVER help her !

 

My advice : RUN ! Run like H E double Toothpicks !!!!!!!!!!!

[nowomanocry]

OP- I read your post pretty carefully. I didn't read one place in that long post that you are in love with her. Why commit to spending the rest of your life with someone you're not head over heels in love with. Because if you're not head over heels right now, you never will be.

 

And why would she be pressuring you for marriage after just one month?

 

Hi Banana,

 

I had fallen in love with my ex - Result: Split, heartache and all that. That what I got. Good thing is that I got over it. I am good in that respect. I do not like looking at the past. For me it's today or future. The rest is useless

 

I am not deeply in love with her, yeah that true... She's pushing the relationship, that true as well. But I think you do not need to fall in love with the person you are to marry. If it is there, good that a bonus but if it ain't there that not the end of the world. Marriage is different. How many people married a year ago are still in love? Who can say "we are married for 10 years and still deeply in love?" What is "falling in love"? I think people use this word very often to an extent to wear it out.

 

I am thinking rational now. Closed my heart. Not gonna give it to anyone else. I'm 45 and want a mate & lover to share life. Wherever it goes, I don't care anymore. Not going to waste my time thinking about it either.

 

I can't fall in love every month. She has good sides and her bad sides. Maybe not marry so quickly, live together for some time and re-evaluate. Against everything she's got some values that are very rare: honour, integrity and honesty. That all I need. Problem is can I cope with her bad sides? Can I give up my freedom and devote myself to this. Problem is indeed me not her.

 

Thanks very much for your post though. All ideas are worth reading

[nowomanocry]

This relationship is all about a GIANT BOMB that is going to expode on it !

 

It will take many, many , many , months to REALLY get to know this lady who has so much baggage , she could open a CRISIS center ..

 

News Flash ! Her baggage is going to be YOUR baggage ..

 

Especially the sexual abuse thing. That takes strenous counseling and way----- deeper than you could EVER help her !

 

My advice : RUN ! Run like H E double Toothpicks !!!!!!!!!!!

 

LOL Mary 3 - very cute what you wrote up there

 

That is what one side of me thinks.

[aerogurl87]

Well I don't have an issue with her saying she would marry you after a month. My boyfriend has decided in his head that I'm the one and we've only been together for about 3 months. And the more I get to know him I think he may be right, lol. Anyway, what I'm worried about is her "crazy" issues. She sounds a bit psycho in my opinion, and as someone mentioned once the awesome sex effect wears off, you'll realize that being in any type of LTR with this woman could be harmful (perhaps even fatal) to you.

[nowomanocry]

Well I don't have an issue with her saying she would marry you after a month. My boyfriend has decided in his head that I'm the one and we've only been together for about 3 months. And the more I get to know him I think he may be right, lol. Anyway, what I'm worried about is her "crazy" issues. She sounds a bit psycho in my opinion, and as someone mentioned once the awesome sex effect wears off, you'll realize that being in any type of LTR with this woman could be harmful (perhaps even fatal) to you.

 

Neither do I have an issue with time. Free minded me, not satisfied solely with the usual points of view...always think beyond.

 

I have an issue with her loosing it to a point of stabbing me to death - she's trained for it in military, really tough woman she is no one messes with her really. Can kill with her bare hands. Special Forces. But I feel a bit proud to know being the only one to calm her down. That day at the pub after that guy started on me I had real diffiulties of stopping her beating him because he basically said to me "you think you are better than me?". After all calmed down she was murmuring "no one dare touch you / hurt you. you're my baby" After this the love and passion that flows was so intense. Not felt like this before. We went back home, you know the fight at home, knife thing etc. then I calmed her down and went to bed etc. etc. and she slept in me arms like a baby....

 

I have a black belt in full-contact fight - going to ask her for a short 3 rounds together. To get it all out. Might be more helpful and fun than a session with a psychiatrist lol

 

Soz for long post peeps. But at least, I think it's not a boring story eh?

[Mary3]

Neither do I have an issue with time. Free minded me, not satisfied solely with the usual points of view...always think beyond.

 

I have an issue with her loosing it to a point of stabbing me to death - she's trained for it in military, really tough woman she is no one messes with her really. Can kill with her bare hands. Special Forces. But I feel a bit proud to know being the only one to calm her down. That day at the pub after that guy started on me I had real diffiulties of stopping her beating him because he basically said to me "you think you are better than me?". After all calmed down she was murmuring [i]"no one dare touch you / hurt you. you're my baby"[/i] After this the love and passion that flows was so intense. Not felt like this before. We went back home, you know the fight at home, knife thing etc. then I calmed her down and went to bed etc. etc. and she slept in me arms like a baby....

 

I have a black belt in full-contact fight - going to ask her for a short 3 rounds together. To get it all out. Might be more helpful and fun than a session with a psychiatrist lol

 

Soz for long post peeps. But at least, I think it's not a boring story eh?

 

Wow you must REALLY love DRAMA !

[make me believe]

Dude! She PULLED A KNIFE ON YOU AND THREATENED TO KILL YOU. And you didn't BOLT right at that moment? Are you kidding me?? Re-read your posts, and tell me what you would advise a person in your situation. If my BF pulled a knife on me, would you recommend that I stay with him? What if I said that afterwards he slept in my arms, does that make it ok?? Somehow I doubt it.

 

You two are not in LOVE, you are entangled in dysfunctional, dangerous mess. You need to pull your head out of you ass and look at this objectively! I mean, honestly I can barely believe what I'm reading. This crazy lady needs to be in a mental hospital. Sorry, I am not trying to be harsh, but you have got to be kidding me with this marriage thing. I've seen this before. Somebody gets caught up with a psycho like your GF and convinces themselves that the relationship is just "passionate" and they will never find that "passion" again. It's not PASSION, it's the insane behavior of somebody who needs more help than you can possibly give her.

 

Against everything she's got some values that are very rare: honour, integrity and honesty.

 

Pulling a knife on you & having violent encounters with other people shows honor and integrity??

 

You need to get away from this psycho before it's too late. How can you say in one breath that you genuinely fear her stabbing you, and in the next claim that she's honorable??

 

At least she's shown you her true colors from the very beginning. So honestly, anything that happens to you from this point on is your own fault.

[Mary3]

OP the longer you stay with her the closer you are to a stab wound or a bullet ...

 

Get out !

 

Then get a Restraining Order...

[josephajain]

Marriage is that thing which should be done at the right age and nobody should get late in this otherwise you won't enjoy it at all.

[nowomanocry]

Hi all

 

Last update....

 

Dumped her a while ago now and NC since a week or so. She broke NC for about 2-3 times.

 

I'm very happy and relieved now. Craziness is over. Thanks a lot for everyone's comments here.

 

After what I lived with women in this short time frame I think Im gona go single for a while because this last one really turned me off of women. Gonna enjoy being single lol

 

God! Realised how life is so good being single! Home sweet home!

 

One last thing.... I think people should be very careful in using the word 'I'm in love with you' because if you really don't mean it you shouldn't say it. I told that to her... She wasn't happy with it at all... and sometimes it is good to take some time away from the relationship. Makes you evaluate yourself and the relationship more healthily.

 

Sunshine and calm after storm now...that how I feel