I'm Sticking with NC This Time

[MorningCoffee]

'No contact doesn't open up the gates of heaven and let you in, it opens up the gates of hell and lets you out.'

 

fOM here. Found some of the thoughts below (the numbered parts) on the Internet but have made it my own. Thought it might be useful to share on LS, where I have found so much wisdom and support these last few weeks.

 

D-Day was six weeks ago, precipitated by her refusing sex to her H during the last few weeks of our A.

 

After D-Day, she and her BH were supposed to go to marriage counseling and meanwhile, we were supposed to have NC with each other. Well, as in the past efforts when she or I had tried breaking it off and NC, it did not take long for the NC to erode. In the second week, she emailed me on a non-A matter, but with a cc: to her H. Above-board. Subsequent emails back and forth of a day or two did not have those cc:s.

 

A couple weeks later, she called me. I got an update on how she was doing, during which she did not deny resuming sex with her H. As I thought it over the next day, I concluded that I had to end this once and for all. I can no longer share her and am not waiting if she is not getting free of the M. I decided the next time I heard from her, as I was sure I would, I would lay this on the line.

 

 

Last week, I received a card in the mail. I surmised she hid this contact from her H, as a mailed card leaves no electronic traces as would a cell call or an email. I did not reply in any fashion. Then three days later, she sent me a long, newsy email, with questions about this and that in my life. All as though nothing had happened!

 

I saw the pattern developing, with gradually increasing breaches of NC. I knew this would, as it had twice in the past (but before D-Day), eventually lead to resumption of the A while she continued to go home to H.

 

I am DONE. I emailed that I needed to talk to her, but she said we should stay away from the phones “for now.” So I emailed her that it was clear that she was not making any movement towards leaving her M, and I had to really go NC. She called angry. I stood firm. The next day she emailed she was OK with it and understood.

 

Today is my 4th day of no contact. Here are the reasons I will maintain it:

 

1. She is married, which is to say she chooses to remain committed to her H. She is not married to me and will never be, she has not chosen to be with me, she is not committed to me.

 

2. No more guilt about being the other man, a willing participant in deceit and deception. No more hiding the love in my life from those closest to me. No more secrets and white lies and half-truths and endless, endless complications.

 

3. No more worries of her being caught. No more sneaking around, worrying about who is watching and what they might have seen. No more checking for anyone her H or family knows who might be in some park or theater or restaurant where we might go.

 

4. No more false expectations. No more daydreaming about what could be, if only. No more fantasies about a future that exists only in my head. No more routine heartbreak, withered dreams, smothered hopes. No more loving an imaginary life with an imaginary woman. No more fake life, no more pretending.

 

5. No more sex for her “therapy,” feeling like a flesh-covered sex toy there for her comfort. No more lying in bed still flushed from lovemaking and watching her dress and fix her hair and face so she can go home to make dinner for her family while I heat up a can of soup. No more feeling humiliated and used. No more.

 

6. No more scraps. No more being the other man, a lover, yes, but always coming second. No more trying to make plans for the times left over from her marriage and her family. No more hurried phone calls while she is out running an errand, no more getting cut off because H has pulled into the driveway and so he's 'home' now and she can't talk to me anymore. No more hurried lunches or drive-by kisses. No more waiting to find out if she can come over, no more waiting for her to arrive, no more of this slapdash, slipshod relationship for me, no sir.

 

7. No more enabling. No more planning my life around hers, no more feeling bad for her. No more taking on her burdens and 'helping' her work through the problems in her “loveless” marriage. I will no longer listen to her criticize the emotional shortcomings of her H and complain about how awful it makes her feel, especially the supposedly “empty” sex, and then stand by as she chooses to stay with him again and again, with no empathy as to how much she hurts me. I will no longer be the man who makes it possible for her to have her cake and eat it too; I will no longer live half a life so she can live a life and a half.

 

8. No more emotional rollercoaster. No more unspoken words and buried feelings, no more having my misery and depression soothed with words and then ignored by her actions. No more wondering about whether we could be happy together, whether I could ever trust her. No more one-sided commitment, no more sharing her with him. No more listening to her get moody and jealous when I spend time with others (just friends – I gave up dating for her) because I want to go somewhere and do something, not just hang around since she is not available.

 

9. No more putting my dreams on hold. No more suppressing my desire to build a open normal life with someone who loves me alone and is committed to me alone, who wants to share a home with me, celebrate holidays and take vacations with me, cook dinner with me and cuddle up on the couch with me, go to bed beside me every night and wake up beside me every morning. I will no longer ignore the fact that I want a woman in my life who wants to live a real, public, open life with ME. She is out there, and we are going to find each other.

 

Instead:

 

10. I am creating an honest life filled with honest, real, open relationships that nourish me. By maintaining NC, I can look myself in the mirror and respect the man I see, because I know that I have integrity, I know that everything in my life is above-board, and that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am no longer keeping secrets.

 

11. I am building a real life. My life will no longer happen in the shadows, in the little chunks of available days in her busy schedule. Henceforth my life will happen in the warm sunshine. I am now living a real life, not a pretend life. I will live in the spaces I create for myself, not the spaces she is willing to make for me. I am no longer trapped in a fantasy, the fulfillment of which depends on an indecisive married woman who has no incentive to act. I am living a real, honest-to-goodness life. MY life.

 

12. I am free to attend to my SELF CARE. I am reclaiming all of the energy I expended on her and on the affair, and pouring it right back into my own soul. I can read, write, watch films, hit the gym, take classes, make plans for travel without regard to her not being with me, make new friends, just relax -- all for myself, on behalf of myself, in support of myself. By releasing the affair, I am taking back my power.

 

13. My chronic sadness is dissipating. I am choosing to leave a relationship that is going nowhere but kept me hanging on vague and thin hopes of change. There are no more emotional dead zones in my soul. I am now free of the torturous knowledge that she isn’t leaving her M, because it will no longer matter to my LIFE. My heart is open, and I will feel more and more alive each day.

 

14. I can DREAM again! I can open my heart and get on with meeting the woman who will want me, want to marry me, who will love my daughter and my family, who will choose to build a life with me. I can actually start dating women who have the real-life potential to fulfill this dream of mine.

 

LS-ers, thank you!

[Confused4Now]

Amen to that my brother!!! Spoken like a true man who finally got tired of scraps. There is someone out there for all of us guys who made the wrong choice.

[Just a stone's throw]

WOW Morning Coffee that was just exceptional! Awesome, awesome and I am sure this wonderful dissertation will bring much strength and encouragement to others who are going through or will go through similar experiences from relationships.

 

Seriously, WOW!!

 

That had to feel good to take back that power!

[I Miss the Kiss]

'No contact doesn't open up the gates of heaven and let you in, it opens up the gates of hell and lets you out.'

 

fOM here. Found some of the thoughts below (the numbered parts) on the Internet but have made it my own. Thought it might be useful to share on LS, where I have found so much wisdom and support these last few weeks.

 

D-Day was six weeks ago, precipitated by her refusing sex to her H during the last few weeks of our A.

 

After D-Day, she and her BH were supposed to go to marriage counseling and meanwhile, we were supposed to have NC with each other. Well, as in the past efforts when she or I had tried breaking it off and NC, it did not take long for the NC to erode. In the second week, she emailed me on a non-A matter, but with a cc: to her H. Above-board. Subsequent emails back and forth of a day or two did not have those cc:s.

 

A couple weeks later, she called me. I got an update on how she was doing, during which she did not deny resuming sex with her H. As I thought it over the next day, I concluded that I had to end this once and for all. I can no longer share her and am not waiting if she is not getting free of the M. I decided the next time I heard from her, as I was sure I would, I would lay this on the line.

 

 

Last week, I received a card in the mail. I surmised she hid this contact from her H, as a mailed card leaves no electronic traces as would a cell call or an email. I did not reply in any fashion. Then three days later, she sent me a long, newsy email, with questions about this and that in my life. All as though nothing had happened!

 

I saw the pattern developing, with gradually increasing breaches of NC. I knew this would, as it had twice in the past (but before D-Day), eventually lead to resumption of the A while she continued to go home to H.

 

I am DONE. I emailed that I needed to talk to her, but she said we should stay away from the phones “for now.” So I emailed her that it was clear that she was not making any movement towards leaving her M, and I had to really go NC. She called angry. I stood firm. The next day she emailed she was OK with it and understood.

 

Today is my 4th day of no contact. Here are the reasons I will maintain it:

 

1. She is married, which is to say she chooses to remain committed to her H. She is not married to me and will never be, she has not chosen to be with me, she is not committed to me.

 

2. No more guilt about being the other man, a willing participant in deceit and deception. No more hiding the love in my life from those closest to me. No more secrets and white lies and half-truths and endless, endless complications.

 

3. No more worries of her being caught. No more sneaking around, worrying about who is watching and what they might have seen. No more checking for anyone her H or family knows who might be in some park or theater or restaurant where we might go.

 

4. No more false expectations. No more daydreaming about what could be, if only. No more fantasies about a future that exists only in my head. No more routine heartbreak, withered dreams, smothered hopes. No more loving an imaginary life with an imaginary woman. No more fake life, no more pretending.

 

5. No more sex for her “therapy,” feeling like a flesh-covered sex toy there for her comfort. No more lying in bed still flushed from lovemaking and watching her dress and fix her hair and face so she can go home to make dinner for her family while I heat up a can of soup. No more feeling humiliated and used. No more.

 

6. No more scraps. No more being the other man, a lover, yes, but always coming second. No more trying to make plans for the times left over from her marriage and her family. No more hurried phone calls while she is out running an errand, no more getting cut off because H has pulled into the driveway and so he's 'home' now and she can't talk to me anymore. No more hurried lunches or drive-by kisses. No more waiting to find out if she can come over, no more waiting for her to arrive, no more of this slapdash, slipshod relationship for me, no sir.

 

7. No more enabling. No more planning my life around hers, no more feeling bad for her. No more taking on her burdens and 'helping' her work through the problems in her “loveless” marriage. I will no longer listen to her criticize the emotional shortcomings of her H and complain about how awful it makes her feel, especially the supposedly “empty” sex, and then stand by as she chooses to stay with him again and again, with no empathy as to how much she hurts me. I will no longer be the man who makes it possible for her to have her cake and eat it too; I will no longer live half a life so she can live a life and a half.

 

8. No more emotional rollercoaster. No more unspoken words and buried feelings, no more having my misery and depression soothed with words and then ignored by her actions. No more wondering about whether we could be happy together, whether I could ever trust her. No more one-sided commitment, no more sharing her with him. No more listening to her get moody and jealous when I spend time with others (just friends – I gave up dating for her) because I want to go somewhere and do something, not just hang around since she is not available.

 

9. No more putting my dreams on hold. No more suppressing my desire to build a open normal life with someone who loves me alone and is committed to me alone, who wants to share a home with me, celebrate holidays and take vacations with me, cook dinner with me and cuddle up on the couch with me, go to bed beside me every night and wake up beside me every morning. I will no longer ignore the fact that I want a woman in my life who wants to live a real, public, open life with ME. She is out there, and we are going to find each other.

 

Instead:

 

10. I am creating an honest life filled with honest, real, open relationships that nourish me. By maintaining NC, I can look myself in the mirror and respect the man I see, because I know that I have integrity, I know that everything in my life is above-board, and that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am no longer keeping secrets.

 

11. I am building a real life. My life will no longer happen in the shadows, in the little chunks of available days in her busy schedule. Henceforth my life will happen in the warm sunshine. I am now living a real life, not a pretend life. I will live in the spaces I create for myself, not the spaces she is willing to make for me. I am no longer trapped in a fantasy, the fulfillment of which depends on an indecisive married woman who has no incentive to act. I am living a real, honest-to-goodness life. MY life.

 

12. I am free to attend to my SELF CARE. I am reclaiming all of the energy I expended on her and on the affair, and pouring it right back into my own soul. I can read, write, watch films, hit the gym, take classes, make plans for travel without regard to her not being with me, make new friends, just relax -- all for myself, on behalf of myself, in support of myself. By releasing the affair, I am taking back my power.

 

13. My chronic sadness is dissipating. I am choosing to leave a relationship that is going nowhere but kept me hanging on vague and thin hopes of change. There are no more emotional dead zones in my soul. I am now free of the torturous knowledge that she isn’t leaving her M, because it will no longer matter to my LIFE. My heart is open, and I will feel more and more alive each day.

 

14. I can DREAM again! I can open my heart and get on with meeting the woman who will want me, want to marry me, who will love my daughter and my family, who will choose to build a life with me. I can actually start dating women who have the real-life potential to fulfill this dream of mine.

 

LS-ers, thank you!

 

WOW I needed that today! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for posting that! If you read mny thread from today about MM texting to call it off for the 10th time after just having spent the weekend with me, you will understand why I needed this post.

 

I AM going to reclaim my soul from this man that I loved with all my heart. He was my world, my life, my future. Now he is nothing but a painful reminder of how little I thought of myself this past year.

 

I'm getting upset, can't write more now. But thank you.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

wow..this is really good! I am very happy for you, it sounds like wonderful things are in store for you if you just let them in and live free!!

[bananalaffytaffy]

I think this is really helpful for anyone in NC.

There's also some other NC tips in the pinned thread started by Fallen Angel.

[Hazyhead]

Morning Coffee, that was inspirational reading! Good for you.

 

You do know that now you've inspired and will no doubt help so many that come across this that you absolutely CAN'T break NC; you have to lead by example

 

I hope you're ok; you certainly sound it

[MorningCoffee]

Oh, yes, bananalaffytaffy, I see the numbered list in its original form is in one of those links. Good, I am happy to attribute authorship properly to Fallen Angel. Thank you!

Edited April 26, 2010 by MorningCoffee

[skywriter]

Wow, Morningcoffee!

 

That was all the things I have thought of throughout doing NC , only all compiled in one very thoroughly covered thread there....kinda long, but all in all, cool.

 

It really motivates, us in NC to just hold on for the outcome. Thanks.

[lilagirl]

SIGH... great post... Allot of NO MORES that we call all relate too... those things feel terrible... still not at NC yet... but wow... Its nice to relate.

 

Good luck to you. I hope you continue to have the strength you feel today...

[joey66]

Thank you, sir!

 

It helps to be reminded of all the reasons not to break NC as I sit contemplating yet another email to MW. It also really helps to hear it from another OM.

 

Wishing strength to you. And to me. And to all the other OMs/OWs out there who I know struggle every single day!!!

[secretlady76]

Ha ha ha, the thread that you want to stick to, but the very one you hope your MM/MW/OM/OW doesn't read/know about.

[katiecox]

You are so strong! Alot of respect for that. Maybe guys do have more resolve than women and we've got to learn from that.

[MorningCoffee]

Ha ha ha, the thread that you want to stick to, but the very one you hope your MM/MW/OM/OW doesn't read/know about.

 

I do not quite see what your point is, secretlady.

 

My feelings about the shortcomings of the A, and my hopes for a future, were all well known to her.

 

After DDay, she chose to stay in the M.

 

I wrote this for myself AFTER communicating to her that it had to be NC from here on out, unless her contact was to tell me of her divorce.

[MorningCoffee]

You are so strong! Alot of respect for that. Maybe guys do have more resolve than women and we've got to learn from that.

 

katiecox, it took a number of tries, a lot of pain, and the wisdom and support I found on LS, before I finally got to where I resolved to go NC and to MEAN it!

[MorningCoffee]

Thank you, sir!

 

It helps to be reminded of all the reasons not to break NC as I sit contemplating yet another email to MW. It also really helps to hear it from another OM.

 

Wishing strength to you. And to me. And to all the other OMs/OWs out there who I know struggle every single day!!!

 

Thanks, joey66. I am looking forward to the day when it won't be a struggle, when I will realize that, "Hey! I just went [_____fill in the blank with some time measure, hr., days, whatever] without her popping into my mind. How about that!" May I hope the same for all OMs/OWs in similar circumstances who desire it.

[MorningCoffee]

Morning Coffee, that was inspirational reading! Good for you.

 

You do know that now you've inspired and will no doubt help so many that come across this that you absolutely CAN'T break NC; you have to lead by example

 

I hope you're ok; you certainly sound it

 

 

Thanks, HH. Yes, I AM ok. Day 6 of NC: so far, so good. NOT easy, I miss her so very much, but I have to do this for ME! But I just re-read my list and it helps!

[secretlady76]

I do not quite see what your point is, secretlady.

 

My feelings about the shortcomings of the A, and my hopes for a future, were all well known to her.

 

After DDay, she chose to stay in the M.

 

I wrote this for myself AFTER communicating to her that it had to be NC from here on out, unless her contact was to tell me of her divorce.

 

I was having one of those "God I wish he would contact me" days. Luckily for me I'm not having one of those today! It is good to read your post every day, it keeps me positive about why we both chose to NC. Thanks

[MorningCoffee]

I was having one of those "God I wish he would contact me" days. Luckily for me I'm not having one of those today! It is good to read your post every day, it keeps me positive about why we both chose to NC. Thanks

 

SL,

 

You're most welcome, and thanks for your post. I really appreciate the support here at LS.

 

Gotta say, it isn't easy yet. Yesterday I was having one of those days you describe. It was another of those pesky "anniversaries" - (i.e., X-many-weeks since I last saw her), but I tell myself each day, it IS going to get better.

 

Starting to actually think about maybe trying to meet some new people, to get out and do some new things, maybe it's time to actually make the move of residence I have been putting off, etc.

 

Nice to feel that, even while accepting it won't include her, I am starting to look forward to the future.