How can I communicate this to him?

[pandagirl]

It's been three months since he left. The beginning was rough, but also sweet because we were in the throws of desperately missing each other. Now that things have settled into more of a routine, I'm finding the distance more challenging.

 

The problem? I'm discovering I require way more attention than I thought. I'm an independent person and can function well on my own, but so can my boyfriend. But I am a woman. I need to hear sweet things and have some attention paid to me. I didn't realize this when the BF was here, because he is incredibly affectionate with me and I didn't need those words or gestures; plus, I saw him pretty much every day.

 

Now with him gone, he can't *show* me he cares/loves me, because of that lack of physical contact and touch. He's the same guy, just he's not going to send me things, write me letters or other stuff like that.

 

I do want to let him know how I'm not being emotionally fulfilled, but I also don't think it's fair of me to be something he's not. I don't want to make a huge fuss out of it this, but I feel like it's important to communicate this to him. However, it's a pretty intense thing to say to a person, and I don't want it to lead to an argument.

 

So, I'm not sure what to do. Any advice or suggestions?

[Els]

I honestly think this is a pretty common problem for LDR couples. Guys (generally speaking) just don't seem to need the words and little gestures the way girls do, IME.

 

For me, I just mentioned it lightly and left it at that. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying so and then leaving it up to the other person, as long as you don't make a huge fuss when the outcome isn't up to what you'd like.

[Mrs_AJ]

I think you need to be honest with him so that this doesn't build up to become a problem for you both.

 

A major change took place in your relationship - it went from RL to LDR. Of course needs will change. And if you feel that you need him to be more affectionate a la LDR style you need to tell him so. Because trust me, the feeling of wanting more affection won't leave you. You'll remain unhappy about the situation.

 

Why are you not comfortable discussing this with him? It's not criticising him. It's telling him how you feel and what you need. But yes of course you need to put this across gently if he is a sensitive soul. Why don't you tell him about the things he does well first and then tell him that rest.

 

If he cares about you he'll meet you halfway - at least.

[Romance]

Just mention it. Just say I miss you a lot, I really miss the little sweet things you used to say to me and I feel sad.

[pandagirl]

Well, I don't want to rock the boat again, because of this:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t229052/

 

I went to therapy today, and talked about how to manage my emotions better. I also realized part of the reason I've been feeling insecure is because of his lack of affection/gestures.

 

He tells me he loves me every day, but I need him to *show* me, which is difficult in a LDR, especially since he isn't a demonstrative person in general. Affectionate, yes. Will he ever write me a love letter? No.

[sweetjasmine]

He tells me he loves me every day, but I need him to *show* me, which is difficult in a LDR, especially since he isn't a demonstrative person in general. Affectionate, yes. Will he ever write me a love letter? No.

 

I've had a similar conversation with my SO in the past. It got resolved in part because I adjusted to the situation, in part because he put in more effort, and in part because we grew and understand each other better than we used to.

 

I don't know exactly what your situation is like, but it's going to be easy for him to feel attacked/unappreciated. I think the number one thing I'd suggest is to be specific about what you want him to do instead of focusing at length on what's missing. Tell him how much you appreciate what he does, what he's been doing, what he used to do. Tell him that you really love [whatever he used to do] and it makes the distance a little easier on you when he does it.

[Els]

PG, if it is bugging you, you really should mention it (nicely, the way the posts above suggest) to him, as opposed to letting it drag on and on and finally accidentally blowing your top when your depression comes into play. That's a problem my depression-prone SO used to have - he'd bottle up all the little things because he thought he shouldn't make a big deal out of such small things, when any of them could have been easily resolved if he'd actually TOLD me... and then one day things come to a head. Fortunately he's been improving in that aspect.

[Jilly Bean]

Personally, I've never viewed a LDR as a real relationship. It's much like a cyber fantasy relationship, IMO. A situation where people can claim they have a partner, yet they see each other infrequently and therefore, spend the bulk of the "relationship" interacting in every way but in person. I've always seen these things as a crutch, excuse, and escape from reality-based relationships.

 

If a couple has a long history established, and then circumstance tears them apart temporarily, I can see staying together in the short-term. But otherwise - just don't get the point.

 

So, to answer your question, PG. You are looking for things that are core to a reality-based relationship. Difficult to create and sustain long-distance.

 

It's not that your high maintenance, you just want what's normal in a relationship, and things that distance prevent.

[Ronni_W]

I agree with Jilly Bean. It's more about accepting the limitations of an LDR than there is anything lacking on your side...or his. All your and his emotional, mental and physical needs are NOT going to be met; that's just the fact of it.

For all we know, he is experiencing a similar thing (not necessarily feeling emotionally unfulfilled but still something that doesn't feel too 'right-proper-good' within his own mind and heart.)

 

You might want to talk about the difficult and stressful current 'conditions and circumstances' that have you appreciating him more than ever, and missing him more than you thought possible -- rather than saying some version of "I'm emotionally unfulfilled," which likely will go across as your judgment/criticism of how he's doing things and/or you blaming him for your feelings of unfulfillment/insecurity. (I know that's not what you're consciously doing but, 9 times out of 10, that's how such a statement sounds to the other's ears.)

 

Be clear that you're well aware it is your own issue, and really nothing at all that he's doing "wrong" or even has any real power to "fix" for you; that you are working through it on your own, seeking input and guidance from friends and therapist, etc.

 

I would suggest, before you talk with him, come up with a few things that he can do that will facilitate your feeling more secure (that is, take charge of finding your own solutions), and then ask him if he can think of any others. After the brainstorming, mutually agree on what you're going to try first...and keep trying different things until you hit upon those few that will work for both of you.

 

Best of luck.

[Star Gazer]

You are looking for things that are core to a reality-based relationship. Difficult to create and sustain long-distance.

 

It's not that your high maintenance, you just want what's normal in a relationship, and things that distance prevent.

 

Totally agree.

 

He can't "show" you he cares while you're apart, PG, no matter what he says. I have a feeling you're going to have a very difficult time remaining in this relationship long-term.

 

How long are you two planning on being apart? Forgive me, I don't remember why he left...

[pandagirl]

Totally agree.

 

He can't "show" you he cares while you're apart, PG, no matter what he says. I have a feeling you're going to have a very difficult time remaining in this relationship long-term.

 

How long are you two planning on being apart? Forgive me, I don't remember why he left...

 

I know, I'm trying to figure out how to make this work. We just got into another argument, and it ends up he just wants me to realize that he always loves and cares for me as a given. Whereas, sometimes i need a little more. But he agrees he needs to be more sensitive to my needs, because he is not a deeply sensitive person. We need to meet someplace in the middle.

 

We have another 10 months apart. He left because he was laid of from his job and got a really great opportunity in another city.

[pandagirl]

OK, I feel so stupid saying this, but we just had our first attempt at video chatting tonight, and wow -- it really makes a difference! We were both so happy to see each other and were all smiles, and the chemistry that brought us together -- humor, banter, etc. -- came flowing out again, something that hasn't been connecting as well over IMing and phone calls.

 

He's not a verbal person, so seeing him made a HUGE difference in feeling connected. Just seeing him smiling and laughing was great.