what is up with this?

[harmony]

i have been alot of thinking again lately (ouch that hurts too). but i wonder why i am so afraid to buy things even groceries or things for the house, in fear of spending my money and not having any if i wanted to leave.

 

other things are like not being able to bring myself to being a woman, as i think it would be called.

 

not cooking for him, not cleaning like i should/could, not buying things for the house like i could, holding on to my money to pay bills till the last possible minute, not day but minute, so i always have back up money if i need to leave here.

 

not wanting to make love or feeling invaded when he makes advances at me. ...that annoying voice that i battle with daily, tells me what nerve he has to do that to me, do what? show me affection, show me love, show me interest?

 

could it be a build up of all the crap of the past, things that he said to me that were so very hurtful, and i took them straigt to my heart and now in the back of my mind i am thinking those things that he said about me and know how he feels towards me when he is mad at me.

 

well that is thee closest thing i can think of. but what really bothers me is that when i want to be a woman to him, i get this nagging icky feeling in me.

 

something that makes me feel that i am losing control! like one night, i let lose in my mind and i felt so free but then just as quickly i felt so scared that i was losing my mind, losing control of myself.

 

this evening i thought about that again, and i wanted to show him that i love him, that i care about him, that i am here for him, that i can respond to him, i can come on to him, make love with him, etc.

 

instead i got that dammed ole stupid feeling again, the one that makes me feel i will go crazy if i let myself go that way and let myself just go and enjoy things, i feel i will lose control and go crazy! so i have to be in constant control!

[SoleMate]

instead i got that dammed ole stupid feeling again, the one that makes me feel i will go crazy if i let myself go that way and let myself just go and enjoy things, i feel i will lose control and go crazy! so i have to be in constant control!

I don't fully understand your situation, but I can see that you are suffering. I suggest you speak with a counselor and see if there are some coping strategies or perhaps some medication that will help you feel better. Good luck!

[tattoomytoe]

umm...it sounds kinda like you need to re evaluate some things. like why are you even with this guy, or at this place in your life, when you feel that you may need to bolt at any minute. if you do not want to do the stereotypical woman things, then don't. if it's not something you want to do then do not do it.

 

i do agree with solemate, in that you should probobly seek some counseling...not to say that you are a nut..but it is quite nice to have this person, who will not judge you, and you can tell them everything...and even get good advice back.