When even love and patience doesnt work.. theres where i am now..

[ca]

Hey all,

Just came bak from a vacation trip. Happy new year to all of you out there! Well, hav ealready stated early how iv been having communication problems with my insensitive ADD husband, well.... i thot this vac would help out . but it just got worse i think.

Now , my sis and bro in law hav also seen the "wild and hysterical " side of him!! I however kept my mouth shut and endured it through out the trip , coz if I were to open my mouth to any of his tantrums and abuses, he would SIMPLY walk out or make things more humiliating for all of us... its very very depressing and unencouraging (

Unfortunately i fell really sick on my way to vac and cudnt realyl enjoy much and had to visit a few hospitals.. This proved a little heavy on pocket, and his plans of enjoyment got blown off ( though i did all i could, whenever i could bear my pain. severe back ache and some gync problems) .. He started screaming at me in general for everything, and was really rude, constantly tellin me i was a fusspot and i had brought this onto myself purposefully to spoil our fun! i mean HOW COULD HE !! Made a fuss everytime i winced with pain, even before my sis and the rest of the family there. They could sense it , but remained speechless, didnt have a clue why he was behjaving so mad and irrationally , most of all heartless...

I have realised i cantreally count on him for physical or emotional help , especially when i need it the most ! What to do! He thinks everything is a farce and im a dim wit , have nothing to do, so thinking of problems and bringing them upon myself and causing all sorts of problems..

Even my mom told me in private not to complain about my problems to him anymore, coz he just was gettin irritated and mad about it all!! What can i do then?? DAMNIT! he is supposed to be my husband , how long can i keep hiding problems and just be arouind whn im happy and healthy and have lots of happiness and cheer ONLY to give him ? Isnt this unfair, especially , after all that iv done to make sure he had a nice time, despite my illness..

I even had sex wit a broken back, to see if this could make him feel more close to me, and make him realise i wanted him so much to be close to me , in every way.. But this is not happening.. The man clearly despising me now i think.

He is fine and nice to the rest, but with me , cold , rude and above all, humiliating.

I have told him a million times after we'v cvome bak from the vacation, that i want to realyl work on our relationship, and im gonna be cool and calm and love him a lot , would do anythign to make him happy too!

He just snubs off these statements, and keeps refering to how 'independent' i was and that i should get bak to a job that will keep me occupied and get us more money!

Right now, im not working, but now i strangely feel all that he saw in me , was a woman with a great job period! and then he married me. Now that i dont have it , left it, he cant stand me , literally cant 'stand' me anymore.

Iv been supportive to even his stupid tantrums, to make sure he doesnt make a scene before the family, kept quiet everytime he lsot his temper and told me how lousy and unhelpful i was ( coz he has a lot of taxation n accounting to do at the end of the day, and some of it is clearly not understandable by me, i need time to learn it ! he wont even agreet 2 that !)..

He has lost respect for me, ( so he said, bcoz i left my job!!) then how come he wants sex ????

I feel less of a person these days whn i am with him in bed. I still love him , despite all this, and im becoming a wreck.. Everyone , including my parents have noticed this, change in me and him. theyr just mum with tension and anticipation and yes... worry.

I have almost come close to suicide once durin the vacation period.

What do i do ? i wish he would fall in love wit someone else and experience true happiness , and then at least make up his mind wether he really wants me or not in his life ??!! Im helpless.

I love him, but think i have to leave him, coz he wont communicate and continues to depress and push me down..

I want someone to talk to him , SOMEONE .. but diuno who? Coz this guy realyl doesnt value a good talk on relationships ( thinks its waste of time) Could one of you help???

[AprilFool]

Leave him or get a job. Apparently, a woman having a job is high on his "Needs" list. My husband "Needs" a wife that cleans house....probably because his mother was lazy, then she abandoned him and his brother, and he doesn't like the idea of a lazy wife, for fear of me leaving him.

 

You husband needs a wife that has a job....it's the only way he can respect you apparently. So get a job, or leave him. Getting a job would be accepting him for who he is, and doing your best to be what he needs. Not getting a job is going to make him worse and worse, so you will end up having to leave him. Some men just can't stand moochers. Why aren't you working? Do you have kids? If you are going to school, did you discuss dropping your job for school with him?

 

I want someone to talk to too, but my husband is not a good person to talk to....so I talk to my girlfriends, and loveshck. I am meeting my "conversation" need with someone else (not another man, but women and loveshack) you can do that too, if you want to stay married, and a little fulfilled.

 

If you don't like any of this advice, don't take it, it's just my 2 cents....he's told you exactly what he wants from you. Yes it's unfair, and yes a husband should love his wife unconditionally, but what should be and what is are rarely the same thing in marriage.

[Tony T]

"...and yes a husband should love his wife unconditionally..."

 

Not so, hardly ever happens. About the only love that isn't conditioned upon some other factors is the love that a parent has for a child.

 

Human beings love others for good reasons. People meet our needs in certain ways. If a man marrys a woman who meets his need for a young, beautiful companion and she lets herself go, the love will usually go. If a woman marrys a man because he has a big house and a fancy car and he later loses his job and has to get a small house and a used car, there's a good possibility that marriage will go down the tube as well. If a woman marries a kind, sweet man and she later finds out he's a bastard wanted for murder in three states, if the woman is healthy the love will turn off like a light switch.

 

Most love is conditional...especially romantic love. That's why it's so scarry. Yeah, there are a lot of romantics on this forum who would deny the fact but that doesn't make it disappear. Yes, it may make us feel a bit insecure but in romance you have to continue to fulfill the conditions or the love can easily disappear. That doesn't mean people will get divorced if the conditions disappear. A lot of people will stay married to someone they don't love anymore for lack of anything better to do.

 

Love is a decision and there has to be a reason to make a decision.

[AprilFool]

Well there you have it....your husband fell in love with a woman who had a job, and you are not that woman. All you have to do is get a job again, and everything should be wonderful again.

[moimeme]

Rats. I answered you on your duplicate post but it's gone.

 

Living with man with ADD is incredibly difficult. The marriages of people with ADD fail at a depressingly high rate (70% ). You need to get him to a counsellor or physician who can then suggest treatment for him.

 

You also need to get yourself into counselling. Wives of men with ADD tend to end up in the same emotional state as you - worn down to exhaustion and constant grief. Most of them end up on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety drugs. If you love him and want to stay with him, you'll need counselling on how to cope with a mentally ill partner (because, really, he is ill).

 

Also check out the online support groups in my link on AD/HD:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t31521/

[AprilFool]

Originally posted by moimeme

Rats.

 

He he....you said rats.

[gingerelle]

Man, when you put it that way Tony it sounds so HARSH!! Now, I consider myself a "romantic", but I'm going to have to agree with you about this, relationships are not unconditional love. You are right, we marry our spouses because they meet some or all of our needs and if those needs stop being fulfilled, then yes the love will change. And I say "change" because I think once anyone has been in relationship w/ someone for any period of time, they will always love that person in a way, but they may not be "in love" and will put an end to the relationship.

 

As superficial as this may sound, having an attractive spouse is a "need" of mine, not the highest of needs mind you, but a need never the less and if my husband were to gain 200 pounds, then I couldn't be with him anymore. I would always have love for him, but I couldn't stay with him. I would lose respect for him if he were to "let himself go" like that - not to mention that I would no longer be physically attracted to him and that would end the sex life. And I can honestly say my husband would feel the same way about me if I gained alot of weight. Having respect for your mate is very important, if you don't respect someone, then way on earth would you be with them.

 

Like April said you having a good job must have been high on your husband's needs list and now that that is gone, he has lost some respect for you. Now I don't know your financial situation, but I can only imagine that w/ him being the only one working, it has put a lot of stress on him as well. And from what you have described above, he resents you for this. I realize that it may not be as easy to just "get a job" like April said, with your back, you are probably not able to work and this must be very stressful for you too. I do empathise with you, I can only imagine how hurtful it must be to know that the man you love no longer respects you the way he once did. And I certainly don't have all the answers for you, but I don't think this is a healthy situation for you to stay in. You are becoming more and more depressed each day and have even contemplated suicide, you NEED TO GET OUT of this situation. Talk to a professional. I realize you still love your husband and want things to work out, but you have to put your mental and physical health first. You have to take care of yourself first!!

[ca]

Im feeling better today. I have realised that when situations get overhead, just step back! And evaluate it for what it seems to be, and wether its really worth all that effort and heart break, and if any of all that depression is doing any good to the situation! it isnt! So relax..

 

Im right now, trying to get good rest for myself and hav noticed, if communication at this moment is restrcited to minimum ( perhaps nil) it helps a lot! For me, coz im not expecting anything in return, and for him, coz later on he himself comes to me to do some polite conversation.

 

Im already going through those sites youv suggested moimeme, theyr really good and man! it sure seems like patience is the key to manage with skewed up minds!! lest we get ours equally messed up.!!

 

So there, for the moment... im gonna look into my life and treat myself better, coz i DO deserve so much better and a job yes! ( its really tough gettin a job esp . in s/w after a break!)

 

Now, i wanna know if u guys have experienced this "adultation" husbands mite have for a few 'close female friends' theyv had all the time, to the extent , theyr attitude and thinking changes in a split second based on their friends thought process... and YOU are no where close to that !!

 

Theres this married friend who my husband adores ( he loves charming gorgeous women anyway.. not that she isnt a nice person , i like her too) ... Now, my husband isnt much of a kid's man, he doesnt want a kid for a long long time he says to me.

 

But hey! He had a talk with this friend of his once ( she told me about this later) and this friend expressed her desire to start a family with her husband as soon as possible...

 

 

Two days later, in some conversation we had, he all of a sudden started off on a track about how wonderful it would be to hav kids, and all of a sudden he wants a child!! I was pleased and surprised the first time i heard it !!

But then, when i came to know about his conv wit this friend, i suddenly felt , yeah sure! His decisions are more governed by his friends, rather than himself of even US!

 

This is frustrating... he keeps talking about how great she is , beautiful... blah blah,, and always wants to know if i had a 'good' conversation with her, if i ever went to meet her sometime..!

 

In a nutshell, i am really way way WAY down his priority list of 'loved ones' .. My thoughts...

 

What do u think?

[Samson]

I found your post extremely interesting because, to be painfully honest with the LS board, and myself, I've exhibited many of the same behaviors you've mention toward my own wife.

 

I'm not saying I'm very proud of it, and a major difference seems to be that I'm willing to communicate with her, and professionals about the situation to try to discover what can be done to change. I've also had to grow into this present state through the passage of time, a school of hard knocks.

 

You don't mention how old your husband is...... I'd guess...30-35. Long enough for the bloom to fade from the rose that smelled so sweet whe you married. I 'm not sure how anyone can diagnose ADD only having read your post, but if this is the case, wouldn't he have had the condition before you married him? If not, somehow I doubt he developed the chemical imbalance.

 

My guess is his behavior, frustration with your health problems that may have caused you to stop working and enjoying your vacation has built up over years, and on occasion, he blows of steam in your direction. This is happening more often and will continue to increase in frequency. My other guess is that this happens after he's been drinking. Sort of a vicious cycle of drinking more, because he's frustrated, and becoming more frustrated because he's failed to control himself while drunk.

 

But, I could be wrong.

 

Do not have children with him, now. Your health problems need to be resolved first. They will get worse with pregnancy. If I'm right, he'll also need to find a "good" way to handle his frustration. Unhappily, my guess is that his will only happen after he's hit bottom so hard that it flattens his ego, perhaps several times. Even then, don't expect miracles: you'll also need to change to become more independent.

 

Good news? Yes......he still has many of the same qualities that made you decide to marry him.

[moimeme]

I 'm not sure how anyone can diagnose ADD only having read your post

 

CA's first posts listed many other possible symptoms of ADD. I sent her the links for tests and it seems her spouse has many of the symptoms. Whatever he has, his behaviour is not just that of a troubled person; it does sound disordered. You might wish to try the test yourself, Samson, if you have many of the symptoms. ADD is treatable and lots of people find their lives immensely improved once they are treated.

[ca]

Samson, you have pretty much got a clear picture on what kinda situation i am in, and what is perhaps going through my husband's mind... very disturbed because of stress, pressure and the fact that he is somehow not able to handle the changes that take place with spouses, wether u like it or not, after a marraige..

 

To a great extent, he is of the types who want the marraige to be as beautiful and great as it was when we were courting, and hassle-free. But , then that never happens and unfortunately this ostrich doesnt seem to realise that, worse enough makes a lot of noise when things arent going his way or the way it used to ( picture perfect).

 

He is about 30-35 and yess, but we havent being married more than a year and a half , and already his best option during heated discussions is ' Fine! lets divorce, leave me !'.

 

Im ready to help, but then if a man doesnt want it , worse blames me for helping, it gets frustrating. So im taking it very cool now.. No future plans discussions ( he gets annoyed and worried that im not working very quikly , and then things start breaking !), no baby plans ( cant afford physically too and sex was....3 months bak?!)

 

I wonder if i hav to start adopting his friend's style n attitude to capture his atten an interest, but then thats only cheating urself and making it worse! I deserve every bit of love i am giving, coz i knw deep down he'll surely regret if he ever make the final bad move)

 

ive been keeping quiet , calm and unaffected by his tantrums. it just hurts when this happens in public too ( before my family esp!! considering they are helping us financial BIG TIME) , but stil i hav to put up wit it, lest my parents worry themselves to ill health..!!!!

 

Sharing my problems with you people,. and getting ur advices at the moment is helping me a LOT, and those sites moimeme, im going thro them, every day.. seeking more info..

 

Love afterall isnt unconditional ( u put on weight and lose ur lustre and fall sick, ur man is looking out of the car window more frequently ... iv noticed this ..)

what can we say...?

[Samson]

You might wish to try the test yourself, Samson, if you have many of the symptoms.

 

I'll let you know. Why not..?

 

But I still believe there's a huge difference between diagnosing ADD based on hearsay, "observed" behavior from a bias source, and reported symptoms directly recorded by a clinical source.

 

The ice is thin for lay-psychologists, whose main qualification seems to be having a well stocked library of recorded Dr. Phil shows.

[moimeme]

Dr. Phil doesn't appear to 'believe' in adult AD/HD, all science aside. Have you looked at the links, Samson? I'm part of an organization that advocates for adults with AD/HD and lived with one such fellow.

[Samson]

Have you looked at the links, Samson?

 

Ok, like I said, I don't see any harm in doing this. Can I have 48 Hours?!!

 

Anyway, as you know, there are OTHER POSSIBILITIES BESIDES ADULT AD/HD that you might explore while I'm taking my tests on the recommended site.

[meanon]

to be painfully honest with the LS board, and myself

 

Silence while Meanon admires Samson's honesty

[Samson]

This comment regarding his "tantrums" also struck a cord:

 

 

 

before my family esp!! considering they are helping us financial BIG TIME

 

 

You might be thinking that he deeply appreciates this financial support. No, instead it only fuels his frustration, reminding him that he isn't able to be the "successful provider" for you both. In addition, each interest free dollar on the most probably non redeemable loan, diminishes your need to work. You may consider declining to accept the "BIG TIME" financial help and cut costs as well as doing your best to increase income: But only make this contingent on his commital to changing some "bad" habits of his own.

[ca]

Well yes.. even i have thought of the possibility of his feeling less capable or dependent on my family, from the financial point of view. However none of us have made it seem or feel that way.

 

Well, my dad has put in money as downpayment for our house, as well as given a loan to him to pay off his outstanding loan for the house he bought for himself, keepin in mind he would be living with them!( All this, when the whole world warned him against it, coz his parents cant really adjust or live with ANY one unless that person is a complete doormat or deaf, better enuf, a retard!! They are clinically hysterical and screaming!)

 

His wrong decision that moment has proved really very costly to our future! He knows it but keeps denying it bcoz of his ego..I have never really reminded him of this myself directly, but in conversations , even his sister has mentioned it quite a while on how foolish he has being to financially put himself thro this mess, Knowing what his parents were !!

 

I call this irresponsible, coz u cant put ur wife through this, and blame it on her later!! I cant be told to pay up for his wrong doings can i? But anyways, ive being patient through this! Time and again, I just keep getting this feeling he is feeling guilty about every move he is making, and this is what is majoring screwing up things !

 

Just today, we had a fight! sigh.. and it was a reason as lame as, me sitting next to him, and him thinking i wanted something from him!!! ( he sincerely beleives I talk to him, only if i need something from him, which is so untrue!) I have being very loving and caring to him, and kept trying to show him , im ready to face our problems and offer support, but i guess, the more i do this, the more he distances away.. and the more things break..

 

I Told him to make up his mind today on what he proposes to do with this whole double sided confusion he has in his head, he's gone to office.. let's c what he comes up with! Coz its not healthy to constantly live in a relationship where u think ur wife is ' taking advantage ' of u !!!! ( completly came as surprise to me !!)

 

I want answers, and im willing to wait, perhaps even a break away from him, but i dont think i want to accept this as his way of living life and removing frustration on us!! So im in that phase now.. Hope this works out for him too... Men do need a lot of space, iv noticed.. they perfer to distance away and run away most times, when theyr in trouble. ( my experience!) as compared to most women... Biological.... hmmm...

[Samson]

Men do need a lot of space, iv noticed.. they perfer to distance away

 

The need for "distance" is not an independent function of those we're around. In other words, cd, if all the men you've been around "need a lot of space" it might not be a inherently male trait....there may be another reason they need "space" around you. What might this be?

[Samson]

I feel the need to apologize, ca, for seeming to "hijack" your thread for a moment. It is about you, not me, but since I committed to taking the "ADD Test" and reporting results to M, I'll try to be brief: As expected, in general

 

"the criteria for ADHD are not objectively verifiable and require reliance on the patient's subjective report of symptoms."

 

and more specifically:

 

Your responses do not indicate a likelihood of Adult ADD.

http://www.adultadd.com/2_2_recognizing/adhdres2.jsp

 

It seemed most questions regarding ADD behavior targeted the subject's ability to organize and follow through with project planning and completition. This is the antithesis of my character.

 

I live with "Existus Acta Probat," and "Improvise. Persevere. Overcome." My character may be flawed, but disorganization and indecision is definitely not part of it.

 

This isn't meant to diminish M's analysis of the possibility that AD/HD or ADD in adults may be real, and considered as a potential root cause of marital problems. My point is that there remain many other, more likely causes of behavior you've described.

[ca]

I have to agree with you whn you spoke about, how the 'indecisiveness and disorientation' wasnt U, while this seemed to be highlighted in the common AD/HD symptom list. My husband himself isnt exactly one of those types. The irrational and agressive behaviour ( in all situations however it maybe) led me to beleive he could be suffering from some kind of AD/HD problem, maybe minute, or maybe it isnt the case at all!!

 

Things have being improving now that I have chosen to play cool and dead even ( if the situation demands it !) . He is slowly coming back to track and actually trying to sit down and talk about the day to me! Quite an improvement I must say.

 

I think all this character extremeties is pretty much restricted only to Me, so i sense that he may not be a victim of this disorder even... I'ts just a frustrated reaction of what he thinks of me and our relationship, which im working on now... and happy to see, little , at least SOME improvement to that effect!!

 

The main problem lies in convincing someone to take help and getting him/her examined to confirm problem.

In most cases this never happens, so we have to judge and take decisions ourselves to some extent, and work on it , whatever little we can do, to at least clean up after the storm!

 

Maybe someday the storm will cease.. So tell me Samson, what are U doing to urself to help this situation?

[Samson]

So tell me Samson, what are U doing to urself to help this situation?

 

Have you seen my posts from HELL?

[animo]

I can't say i know how you feel ca, but i sort of know how you feel about one aspect and that is the aspect of being the 'weaker' person in a relationship...

 

My wife always tells me to find someone else when i try to talk to her about something two. Personally i find this very unrespectfull and harsh and i seriously think my wife would miss me very much if i actually did leave her. she would never admit it though. When it comes to being hard she is steel and im just puddy.

 

I really really hope things work out for you ca and i hope you can create a better life for yourself. It sounds like are willing to sacrifice ALOT to make your marriage work.

 

Tony is sort of right in a very unromantic way when he says that love is always conditional. This is true but the key is to find another person with the same conditions as you. It sounds like a strong condition of your husband is that you have a job. I think that if i did not have a job my wife would harras me about this two. I am different however. My condition is i think that i want my partner to love me fully and openly and makes love to me frequently. I once thought my wife had the same conditions which is why i married her. After three years however i have realized that my wife has other conditions and that me making love to her frequently is not one of them.

 

I think compensating is the key once your in a marriage and things do not turn out the way you had expected. I hope you can get your husband to compensate to your needs.

[ca]

Read ur posts, and say!! what a plethora of opinions, arguments and just statements. Nothing is more complex and unsolvable ( mostly ) as this wrinkled little slimy thing we got inside our little heads!!

As for me, all that puttin up with irresponsible tantrums and unreasonable behaviour is pehaps paying off, slightly but surely IS...

 

He has began to actually come and sit down and have polite conversations, however inane or formal and courtesous it may sound or be, but the effort is there. My distance is surely pulling him to me, making him realise things can be lost and relationships are built on a fine thread of communication !

 

We even had a coupla "romantic" nights, when i was actually beginning to think all the "romance" he beleived and knew , were restricted to hear-say knowledge and books he has read in the past! Im a whole, if im calm, he is considerate, at least a little. And, my advice is, "

BE CALM AND CHILLED WHEN THEY SCREAM AND SHOUT"....

 

Every eccentric/hysterical man does come to his sense sometimes, and realises what a jerk he has being, and how such petty things dont affect the people who actually are mature.. so the trust and comfort follows...

 

Lets see, ill enjoy this till it lasts.. its worth it all....

[meanon]

Read the lasts posts, ca. Samson has posted again! All the best