why can't I move on

[1_hangininthere]

I'm hoping someone can help me make sense of my feelings.

 

I left my husband 14 months ago. I was convinced he was having an affair (it would have been the 4th in our 14 year marriage). He recently admitted that he had feelings for the girl but he wasn't sleeping with her. (should I even believe that?)

 

In the last 14 months he has done nothing to earn my trust back or work to reconcile the marriage. He has, however, behaved like a fool. He has continued to do many things with her- parties, trips, drinking, ect.

 

About 2 months ago I noticed he was starting to change. He was putting more effort into seeing the kids, phone calls to them and checking on me, staying home instead of running around.

 

Here's my confusion: We are now able to file for divorce. I have been dragging my feet about filing for divorce. I don't want to reconcile because of his past affairs and how he behaved after I left him. So why don't I want to file for divorce? He has asked me if I want to reconcile and I know he wants to. So what's my problem? Why am I so afraid to end it, but I don't want to reconcile either? BTW I am seeing someone now and have been seeing him for about the last 6 months.

[lkjh]

You are scared of being alone. Think about everything he has done and what he has tried to do to fix it. Just re-read what you wrote

[You Go Girl]

You've stayed with a man who has had it both ways--been cake eating--for a decade and a half--why should he believe that life won't go on status quo?

He likes having a family. He likes new women's bodies. He really likes having them both.

You're so used to this, you're almost to the point of saying, yeah, my H is a philanderer, but that's how life is for me.

A good father doesn't necessarily = a good husband.

Come on, you know he's had sex with her, certainly on numerous occasions.

Nothing will change if you don't make it so.

Ask yourself these questions: Do I want to continue being married to a liar?

Or do I want a man who believes that emotional intimacy is as important as physical intimacy?

Because one thing is for sure, you have been married to a man that far values physical intimacy over emotional intimacy.

Edited April 27, 2010 by You Go Girl

[Steadfast]

You're not doing yourself any favors by being involved while you're still married. It doesn't matter if he's a cheater or not; hopping from bed to bed and relationship to relationship confuses the heart and soul. You need a time out. You can't make rational decisions living that kind of lifestyle.

 

Step back and analyze the situation from the perspective of someone who's looking at the big picture. If you remain married, where do you see your life in five years? Ten? After the children are grown and moved out?

 

It is clear that you still have love for your husband, yet (as an above poster accurately pointed out) you have issues of your own. If these troubles and conflicts are a result of your husband's infidelity, then you've pin-pointed the source. How important is he and your family to you?

 

The bottom line, of course, is that before anyone else can love and respect you, you must love and respect yourself. YOU need to reach happiness, not have it be dependent on something or someone. Easier said than done-

[Chrome Barracuda]

If your actively dating someone, and he's been having affairs in your marriage betraying you over and over again, then why would you stay married. Your probably still stuck on your remnant feelings.

[justhereandthere]

You say you don't want to reconcile. But in what you wrote it sounds like you do in away. " The past 2 months you see a change in him. That he is starting to call the kids more and check in on you more and staying home.. It sounds like your holding on to see if he REALLY Change this time around for the 4th time!!!!! He hasn't and probably well never change. He's addicted to running around on you and he well do it again! I don't care if he promises you everything under the skies.

 

As far as him sleeping with the other girl. Come on now what do you think Of course there are and probably others too !! I wouldn't be surprised if there was more then 4 affair the whole time you have been married, you just know of 4. Or even have a kid out there who knows. He's been deceitful to you this whole time!

 

Just like the few post above your starting to think this is OK to live like this. He has you in a web and knows how to work you over to get you back. It seems like it has work before and it sounds like he's working it again! He maybe a good father, but doesn't mean he is a good H.

 

I know your scared to move on. What life holds ahead for you and your kids. You want to be happy and have someone really love you for who you are! Yes It does Suck, but I do hope you do get out of this 14 year roller coaster that you have been on. It's time to let go and move on everything well come together for you and the kids. It's taken the first step that's the hardest!

[You Go Girl]

You say you don't want to reconcile. But in what you wrote it sounds like you do in away. " The past 2 months you see a change in him. That he is starting to call the kids more and check in on you more and staying home.. It sounds like your holding on to see if he REALLY Change this time around for the 4th time!!!!! He hasn't and probably well never change. He's addicted to running around on you and he well do it again! I don't care if he promises you everything under the skies.

 

As far as him sleeping with the other girl. Come on now what do you think Of course there are and probably others too !! I wouldn't be surprised if there was more then 4 affair the whole time you have been married, you just know of 4. Or even have a kid out there who knows. He's been deceitful to you this whole time!

 

Just like the few post above your starting to think this is OK to live like this. He has you in a web and knows how to work you over to get you back. It seems like it has work before and it sounds like he's working it again! He maybe a good father, but doesn't mean he is a good H.

 

I know your scared to move on. What life holds ahead for you and your kids. You want to be happy and have someone really love you for who you are! Yes It does Suck, but I do hope you do get out of this 14 year roller coaster that you have been on. It's time to let go and move on everything well come together for you and the kids. It's taken the first step that's the hardest!

 

Ditto.

At this point, after 14 years, she's having a hard time believing she deserves better, or that there is better out there anywhere to be found.

 

OP--what's the situation with the new relationship? It obviously isn't rocking your world very much, or you wouldn't be having these feelings toward your H.

They are living in an open marriage. If they want to continue doing so for financial benefits, well, that's their choice or need.

But, op, don't be illusioned for one second that this guy is going to change. One affair with remorse and atonement is reason to believe again, a serial cheater--forget about it.

[justhereandthere]

How are thing going there? It's been awhile since you post here. I keep coming back to this one for the reason it was four times that this happen. And you kept going back to him WOW!! The boyfriend must be there for you thur your hardest times and to stick by you for six months. He must care about you and Love you a lot and see things in you that is worth the wait. If someone that can do that during the time of your hardship is a good guy. To put up with the stuff that is going on and to be by your side. Wish you the best of luck to you and your boyfriend. He is a keeper in my eye. I do hope you do move on from your marriage it hurts, but you know it's the best thing to do. Sorry about the whole thing. Good luck in everything you do.