When you are already taken, but a friend still makes a move on you.

[bluebird25]

Would you tell your partner?

 

Would you stop being friends with the friend who made the move?

 

For me, I would not tell my partner. At first thought, I considered telling my partner because I would want to be honest with him/her. But then I realize that it would only make my partner more paranoid about the friendship, especially when he/she has no control over the matter.

 

I still don't know what to do about the friend, though. First of all, it wouldn't be very considerate at all for someone to make advances on someone who is already taken. Imagine if the places were switched, and someone tried to move in on his/her partner. And second, it would be a selfish move to compromise a really good friendship for instant gratification. Does it really say a lot about that person if he/she did something like that?

 

Any thoughts?

[Disintegration]

I'm all for honesty. Why not tell your SO that your "friend" made advances towards you. You aren't the one who did wrong your "friend" did. I think it is highly disrespectful for someone to make a move on someone who is already taken, friend or not. If that was a true friend of yours they would have respect for your relationship. It also means they have little respect for you. I would drop the friend because they've already crossed the line. It speaks volumes about a person character if they behave in such ways.

[Els]

How exactly did he 'make a move on you'?

[Hop_prophet]

I would definitely tell my SO and I would only respect my SO more for telling me as this honesty goes a long way in reinforcing trust. To be Honest, your friend definitely crossed a line and disrespected your relationship and your SO should know about it, otherwise it could cause severe problems if they find out that you hid this and tolerated it.

 

I wouldn't necessarily stop being friends with the person, but I would give them a very stern warning that this type of behavior is unacceptable and then terminate the friendship if it happened again.

[2sure]

If the friend truly offended me, I would tell my SO with the intent of cutting the friend loose.

If it was just something that surprised me I would ask the guy if I had said or done something that he misunderstood to warrant this crap, and tell him that my SO and I would be insulted if his behavior were to be repeated.

[bluebird25]

How exactly did he 'make a move on you'?

 

Where it's time to say goodbye after a typical friendly hang-out and hug, like close friends would. But the friend hugs a little too much longer, rubbing his hand down your back the entire time, then kisses your cheek, then tries for your lips, then asks to be kissed, then asks to be kissed again even though you've said no, then asks one more time before getting the hint. That kind of move.

[Els]

The hell. I'd be so creeped out I wouldn't see him again - EVEN if I was available!

[bluebird25]

It also means they have little respect for you.

 

How so? Some people just lose control for a moment. It doesn't always indicate they don't have respect for you.

[bluebird25]

I guess my justification for not telling my partner is so he shouldn't have to worry about something that will clearly not happen again. If the places were switched, I wouldn't want to know. It would just make me worry that a situation like that would happen again, even if I completely trust my partner would not do anything. If I can clearly resolve the situation without involving my partner, who could not do anything about it anyways, I would.

[bluebird25]

The hell. I'd be so creeped out I wouldn't see him again - EVEN if I was available!

 

Yes, it really disillusions a person after something like that happens. Especially when you never thought this person would be capable of something like that.

[annxxdisaster]

Would you tell your partner?

 

Would you stop being friends with the friend who made the move?

 

For me, I would not tell my partner. At first thought, I considered telling my partner because I would want to be honest with him/her. But then I realize that it would only make my partner more paranoid about the friendship, especially when he/she has no control over the matter.

 

I still don't know what to do about the friend, though. First of all, it wouldn't be very considerate at all for someone to make advances on someone who is already taken. Imagine if the places were switched, and someone tried to move in on his/her partner. And second, it would be a selfish move to compromise a really good friendship for instant gratification. Does it really say a lot about that person if he/she did something like that?

 

Any thoughts?

 

Depends on if they knew you were dating someone and how they tried to make a move--as far as meaning anything about the integrity of the person. If they knew you were dating someone and still tried to come on to you, that doesn't say much about them as a friend. Regardless, it makes for a very awkward friendship after advances have been rejected.

 

And of course I would tell my partner, I would tell them every little detail about it and reassure them that there is NO feelings on my part and I have no intention of ever reciprocating the friends feelings and how I never plan to hang out with this person again (however, if it was a person who had honest intentions and really did not have a clue I was dating someone it may be different--but I wouldn't hang around them without my s/o). If you don't tell your partner and they find out that's going to make them a hell of a lot more paranoid about you and hanging out with any of your friends, especially since you were dishonest about it.

 

Besides, if your partner can't trust you that you'll remain faithful when they are not around or paranoid that you're going to get with someone behind his back--you should really consider if that's even someone you want to be with.

[Hop_prophet]

I guess my justification for not telling my partner is so he shouldn't have to worry about something that will clearly not happen again. If the places were switched, I wouldn't want to know.

 

Ok but assume the worst case scenario. I'm sure this guy has your phone number and can contact you easily since he was your friend. Now what if this guy sends some highly inappropriate texts or calls you incessantly (which is not a far stretch considering he has already crossed a line). How will your bf handle this? He is going to be a lot more paranoid and will probably suspect something is going on - in fact he might even dump you for it. I like to hear when my gf maintains her boundaries and puts guys in their place when they act inappropriately. Hiding this sort of thing can only cause trouble.

[bluebird25]

So last night, I asked my boyfriend if he would want to know, in the hypothetical sense, and he responded "Only if you would want me to know." It's vague but I'm going to say that he would understand that I chose not to tell him, or would give me a chance to explain if he were to find out.

 

As for the friend, I highly doubt it could lead to a worst case scenario. He hasn't contacted me since it happened. Would anyone give him the benefit of the doubt, to let him explain things? I know I'm not going to reach out to him, but I really don't think he's a sleazeball. I have known him for many years, where our friendship started as coworkers to really great friends. It really is quite baffling that he would pull something like this.

[phineas]

what the hell?

 

I've never hugged my female friends.

ever.

 

I don't hug my guy friends either.

 

That guy isn't your friend. He's a scum bag.

He knows you have a boyfriend & has so little respect for you he thinks you'd cheat on him.

 

Your boyfriend is going to get pissed if he ever finds out this guy made a move & you not only didn't tell him but kept hanging out with the guy.

 

It will probably cause trust issues & get the guy's ass kicked severly depending on the type of guy your boyfriend is.

[carhill]

OP, are you and BF living together? IME, everyone has different relationship boundaries. I've experienced enough of this kind of attention from married women to know. Women generally are more subtle and most know that men like physical affection and sexual stimulation so they can hit and run and get an ego feed from the results without any big 'events' like spouses/partners being told and things blowing up. I remember one particular 'friend' of stbx's who worked on me for about two years before I cracked. Indifference is the best way to keep them coming back

 

I was very open about cross-gender affection, appropriate and inappropriate, with stbx, both in words and actions. Up to you how you want to be. IME, most women know how to give a man the 'cold shoulder' that means 'stay away', even if that man is a friend. Guess it's time to practice up. Being friendly with the cold shoulder installed will get the message across, IMO.

 

It really is quite baffling that he would pull something like this.

Not baffling at all. He's a man and finds you sexually attractive. His boundaries slipped, or don't recognize territorial rights of other men wrt women. You decide which, based on his and your history. Then, handle the issue appropriately. I'm sure, if he's the latter, he's hit on other women at work and women talk. You should already be aware. If the former, and his absence indicates this, if you value his friendship, speak with him about appropriate boundaries. 'I value your friendship. I hope, in the future, we can express that value in an appropriate and respectful way'. Listen to his response. As appropriate, demonstrate with a proper, friendly hug, upon parting. Then, move on, without further discussion, unless behavior warrants. Edited April 28, 2010 by carhill

[bluebird25]

I appreciate all the responses.

 

Yes carhill, me and my boyfriend live together. My friend knows that we live together. He has even met him when my boyfriend would pick me up from work. There was no reason for him to believe that I was available when he made his move.

 

Now that enough time has passed and this has settled in, I am starting to feel upset that my friend would pull something like this on me. Before, I was just stunned that he would be interested, since I'm not his "type." His ex-girlfriends show this very well, and that's what made it so comfortable for me to have a "hugging" relationship with him without it giving off anything. But I can see what people on here are saying about respect, and how he would ever think that I would be the type to cheat on my boyfriend.

 

Again, no person is perfect and we all let our boundaries slip from time to time. If he comes to me and explains himself, maybe I'll get over what he did. Although, it would be awkward and uncomfortable to get our friendship back on track.

 

I'm still unsure about telling my boyfriend. How would it be the right thing to do, only if it's going to make him paranoid? He might be paranoid if I tell him, he might be paranoid if he finds out (although I really don't think he will find out - they don't even know each other that well).

[carhill]

Another aspect to consider, which you touched upon..... Is the friend who 'hit' on you a supporter of your relationship? Does he interact in positive ways with your BF? IMO, cross-gender friends should always be open and conspicuous supporters of each other's relationships. This includes face time and even same gender alone time, like the guys having beers out on the patio whilst the women talk in the kitchen.

 

If you're not sensing this dynamic, or find it to be inapplicable, I would worry about the health of such a cross-gender friendship, especially in light of recent events.