Controlling Indian Parents

[G Lady]

My boyfriend and I are madly in love. I can't wait to talk to him on the phone or see him (I get to see him every 4 months as he is away at school). We started our romance years ago but broke up soon afterward as he had some issues to resolve. I was his friend for a long time and as time flew by (I was still feeling the same feelings for him) I noticed he had changed the things that were bothering me and began to be more attentive. I let my guards down (as I had been cold to him before trying to protect myself from getting hurt) and spent alot more time with him. It was fantastic this time around. He makes me laugh all the time and is the sweetest most darling man I've ever known... As We hung out more he told me he had decided to go away to school far away and would only come home for 2 weeks every 4 months. I was terrified!! I knew I couldn't let him go without trying to get back together, I had realized I was in love and couldn't just let him leave. So I asked him to give us a second chance. He said yes and I was overjoyed. I decided that I would be more understanding and appreciative of the time we had and not focus on the distance but to keeping our connection strong. So we made a deal that we'd talk every few days at least unless he had a test or something. And we've kept our love alive through poems and songs and letters and talking often. I found my soul mate I know it.

The issues come with his family. They are traditional Hindu and do not accept me in any way. They try and get him to break up with me constantly and put guilt trips on him and to manipulate him to do what they want. I've met them myself. I went to deliver a christmas gift as a goodwill offer and to show them I wanted to be accepting and eventually a family member as well...Well I had a frosty reception to say the least as his mother acted as if I was the plague and wouldn't go near me. His brother came down later and spoke to me...to tell me it wasn't about me that his family was racist and that his parents would be shamed in indian and from closeby relatives for allowing their son to be with a non indian girl. Though he told me it wasn't me I noticed that he has said things to the contrary such as "if she was a doctor we wouldn't say anything" or that I am not good looking enough or that my family is rude (my parents are mad that I've been treated the way I have by them and do not like them for that) or that our children will be confused as to their religion, or that I am too short for him. Take your pic they all seem personal to me... anyhow when he comes home I barely get to see him I am lucky if I get 3 days and even those days they argue with him for hours and yell at him and tell him how bad and disobedient of a son he is. Truth is he grew up in Canada and came here fairly young and not only is imbued with some of our values as well as his parents and is a mishmash of two cultures and ideas. They try and get him to do things their way but I think that wouldn't allow him to be true to his heart which is not strictly traditional nor is it stricktly western. I told him he must do what he thinks is right no matter what anyone says and he says he wants to follow his heart. I am very scared for him but having a hard time finding the perspective of a non traditional Indian family. Truely any help would be great from anyone... I love to hear everyones ideas and I welcome any assistance from anyone willing to help. thanks in advance to those spending their time to try and help!

[dreamer0123]

Hey!

 

I am Indian (Hindu) and I hope the insight I can provide can help you out:

 

The issue isn't about you not being Indian- the issue is with these families and them trying not to loose their culture. See when they immigrated here- a part of them had to leave their culture behind and adapt to this "mismash" of the Western and Eastern cultures. Some people can adapt and embrase the change a lot more easily- some like to "hold" on and don't want to adapt. This goes for any culture (South Asian, Asian, Persian, etc). With marriage to someone outside of their own culture- they are scared that everything they believe in will be lost (although it's not true!)

 

Unforunately- with the Indian culture- society plays a HUGE factor in everything- from career choices to choosing a mate... its' really up to the individual families' if they choose to listen or not (its usually the elder that tend to gossip the most).

 

Ultimately- it comes down to your BF and how he deals with these issues with his family. He has to be the one sticking up to his family and defending you-..

 

I've been really blessed to have a WONDERFUL and OPEN family who has adapted to both cultures really well. I've dated outside my culture and at first they were not open to the idea but that changed quickly when they realized how happy I was. My family doesn't care about society as long as our family is happy and healthy. On the flip side- I've known friends whose parents are not open-

 

So I would say- talk to your boyfriend- because it will be him in the middle and decide together how you would approach this siutation because it's going to take a lot of work and commitment- but I promise you- it can be done if he really wants it.

[TaraMaiden]

How old are you both, please?

[TaraMaiden]

The reason I ask, is this.

Some time ago, a young man wrote a thread about his relationship with a young (white) girl, and how his parents were controlling his life.

 

This is what I posted.

 

Classic culture clash, peppered with obligational guilt and conditioning.

 

I don't know where you live, but you're not in India now, so your decision is either to live *Indian* or live *where you are now*.

 

As an adult, (or when you become an adult) you are not bound by laws engendered and established in India, you are bound by laws engendered and established in your adopted country.

 

The imposition of your parents is cultural.

We can live in a multi-national society, but not a multi-cultural one.

 

Are you planning to return to India to work, live, stay, finish the remainder of your days?

I somehow doubt it....

 

Your parents have brought you to another country for better prospects, a better future and a better quality of life.

so now expecting you to adhere to "old World" standards is a difficulty they will have to get over.

 

Your decision is simple:

Sacrifice everything you have come to know, enjoy and practice, because your parents want you to do things their way,

 

or

 

stand your ground, adopt westernised living across the board, and explain to them ever so gently that you're sorry, but things are done differently *here*, (wherever 'here' is) and if they don't like it, they should have thought of that before subjecting you to such a wildly different culture.

you cannot be expected to live a life of different traditions, in a country where no such traditions exist.

 

A good friend of mine was put through an exceptional eduction by her parents here, and she achieved a position in her profession, never before achieved by someone so young.

Her father then told her he was arranging a marriage for her with a cousin in India she had never met, and who was 19 years her senior but quite uneducated and basic in his living.

It didn't happen, because she stood her ground and told him where to put his arranged marriage.

 

Your parents can't have it both ways.

And neither can you.

Decide where to plant your feet, and then act accordingly.

I think we can conclude form that thread that the young man was being a petulant spoilt jerk, and who knows what actually ever happened...?

But reverse the situation, and the issue is the same one you have.

But your ages matter.....

[G Lady]

Hey!

 

I am Indian (Hindu) and I hope the insight I can provide can help you out:

 

The issue isn't about you not being Indian- the issue is with these families and them trying not to loose their culture. See when they immigrated here- a part of them had to leave their culture behind and adapt to this "mismash" of the Western and Eastern cultures. Some people can adapt and embrase the change a lot more easily- some like to "hold" on and don't want to adapt. This goes for any culture (South Asian, Asian, Persian, etc). With marriage to someone outside of their own culture- they are scared that everything they believe in will be lost (although it's not true!)

 

Unforunately- with the Indian culture- society plays a HUGE factor in everything- from career choices to choosing a mate... its' really up to the individual families' if they choose to listen or not (its usually the elder that tend to gossip the most).

 

Ultimately- it comes down to your BF and how he deals with these issues with his family. He has to be the one sticking up to his family and defending you-..

 

I've been really blessed to have a WONDERFUL and OPEN family who has adapted to both cultures really well. I've dated outside my culture and at first they were not open to the idea but that changed quickly when they realized how happy I was. My family doesn't care about society as long as our family is happy and healthy. On the flip side- I've known friends whose parents are not open-

 

So I would say- talk to your boyfriend- because it will be him in the middle and decide together how you would approach this siutation because it's going to take a lot of work and commitment- but I promise you- it can be done if he really wants it.

 

 

 

Hello,

 

Yes We've tried to speak to the parents about this issue directly. I've told them that I am not out to change their culture or their lives. But I have explained that my boyfriends and my life will be adjustments and alot of meeting in the middle with how we choose to do things. I am kind of not understanding this issue in its entirety because they have another son who is more than ready and willing to live his life exactly as they see fit. My boyfriend grew up here so he is already westernized in many extends and is himself a mix of two cultures, which I am sure they know...but dont accept...anyhow I dont see the issue because he is already different and is just choosing to live his life as he is.

[G Lady]

How old are you both, please?

 

 

Hi Tara,

 

We are both 25. Because he is away at school for a long time he would be SUPER old when he finally returns for good...

[TaraMaiden]

In that case, they can rant and rave, but basically, the only hold his parents have on him is purely one of yanking his guilt-chain.

 

He's got to decide whether to break it, or stay tethered.

Unfortunately, that's how simple it is.