An Update

[donnamaybe]

how do I ever forget what I now know he is capable of? How he will sleep over at her house just to get back at me when he's mad

 

OMG! Imagine the things he would do to you if you committed yourself to him via marriage! You would be trapped in this toxic R with a power tripper who has no qualms about ripping a knife through your heart as the above indicates when he wants to have his way.

 

Be strong! Be strong!!!!

[jj33]

You are back!! You are taking care of you again. Am so pleased for you.

 

It must have been so hard. And you did it.

 

From what you say about his reaction it makes sense why he and his xW cant cut the cord they are trapped in this spiral of guilt and dysfunction.

 

And you are freeing youself from it.

 

Well done.

 

Big hugs

 

ps Be prepared. In the past his next reaction has been anger that you would dare to think of leaving him. He may try that again. If he does all you need to do is mail the ring back to him. Actually you can keep the ring sell it and use it to pay your therapist - he owes you that at the very least.

[jthorne]

He even admitted again that he's waiting for her to get married again to feel like he can stop babying her.

What a freaking coward! Can't he see that she'll never remarry? He's taking steps to ensure that by babying her?

 

I'm so very glad you stood up for yourself. This is such an important step! You do realize that don't you?

 

So he was upset. Frankly he deserves to be upset after all the pain and agony he has put you through. Let him see what it feels like for once.

 

So where do things stand? At this point, you are in NC, but he doesn't know it's permanent?

[White Flower]

 

I said I need a NC break. He was crying and shaking and said point blank he will do whatever I ask, just tell him what actions I need to see. (That was interesting because he never said that kind of thing before - its always been "I'm doing the best i can, why can't you see that? Look at all I gave up for you. You're a bottomless pit of need, I just can't make you happy. I wish you'd be patient with me....etc")

 

He can't make you happy because he didn't really D her when he D'd her. He D'd her in paper but not in action. He needs to see this. If you have a bottomless pit of need HE is the one who creates the need for justice and for what is right and expected in any normal given case. But narcissists are unreasonable beings so he may never see this.

 

Tell him to D her in action. Nothing less than that will do.

What a freaking coward! Can't he see that she'll never remarry? He's taking steps to ensure that by babying her?

 

I'm so very glad you stood up for yourself. This is such an important step! You do realize that don't you?

 

So he was upset. Frankly he deserves to be upset after all the pain and agony he has put you through. Let him see what it feels like for once.

 

So where do things stand? At this point, you are in NC, but he doesn't know it's permanent?

Keep on keepin on BL. Show him with action what you're willing to do and make him step up to the plate or sit in the dugout for the rest of his life.

[fooled once]

BL, if you have to tell him what you need, then IMHO, he really doesn't know you. Additionally, it should be common sense to him what he is doing 'wrong'.

 

He is now putting it on YOU to be his mommy and tell him what to do - instead of being a big boy and realizing how badly he has hurt you by his actions.

 

I really, really hope you make the break permanent. I don't understand why you can't -- I really don't. I think you are scared to be alone Prove me wrong, okay?

 

I want nothing but happiness for you, but I don't think you will even begin to get that until you cut him off completely and for good. As you said, there is too much history for you to be able to 'forgive and forget'. He has consistently put her needs before yours.

[PhoenixRise]

BL, if you have to tell him what you need, then IMHO, he really doesn't know you. Additionally, it should be common sense to him what he is doing 'wrong'.

 

He is now putting it on YOU to be his mommy and tell him what to do - instead of being a big boy and realizing how badly he has hurt you by his actions.

 

I really, really hope you make the break permanent. I don't understand why you can't -- I really don't. I think you are scared to be alone Prove me wrong, okay?

 

I want nothing but happiness for you, but I don't think you will even begin to get that until you cut him off completely and for good. As you said, there is too much history for you to be able to 'forgive and forget'. He has consistently put her needs before yours.

 

 

I agree with this.

 

After all this time he is under no illusions about what you need. You have told him repeatedly what you want and need. Him asking you now is just his way of keeping you hooked and feeding you hope that NOW that you have told him again, for the umpteenth time he will change and actually be bothered to give it to you . What he isn't telling you is that this change in attitude will take time (more time) and you will need to be very patient while he works on it.

 

Nothing has changed.

 

You are not his mommy.

 

If he needs charts and graphs, an outline, and footnotes to figure out how to treat you with basic decency he is too clueless to be anybody's significant other.

[Brokenlady]

it should be common sense to him what he is doing 'wrong'.

 

That has been my argument. "Why are you even asking me if it is ok to take a day-trip with your xW? On what planet would you figure I'd be ok with that? Similarly, I'd never ask you if it'd be ok if I give out bj's at work today, because it's common sense. What disturbs me is that you want to take a daytrip enough to even ask me about it."

 

He is now putting it on YOU to be his mommy and tell him what to do - instead of being a big boy

 

Our therapist told him that in almost those exact terms. He wants me to do this communicative gymnastics and then excuses himself for any misbehavior by saying I didn't follow a procedure he would understand. (Ex: It will upset me if you take a day trip with your xW. He hears: it will perturb me a little, but go right ahead.)

[jj33]

OK so knowing all this and having confirmation from a qualified professional that you are right what is your next move?

 

What are your plans to extricate yourself once and for all?

 

Im praying you arent hoping that with this NC he will miraculously change. I dont see that happening much as I wish for you that it would.

[Brokenlady]

I agree with this.

 

After all this time he is under no illusions about what you need. You have told him repeatedly what you want and need. Him asking you now is just his way of keeping you hooked and feeding you hope that NOW that you have told him again, for the umpteenth time he will change and actually be bothered to give it to you . What he isn't telling you is that this change in attitude will take time (more time) and you will need to be very patient while he works on it.

 

Yeah, how can he tell me things will improve in the next 2 years and then an hour later tell me he'll change everything right now. It was totally cool to knowingly keep hurting me before and now that I want to leave, not so much? C'mon.

 

And further, I can't tell you how many times I've heard similar promises - "I'll keep working on it, I'm making progress, I'll get there because i want to be with you." But it always feel like an alcoholic asking to drink in moderation to overcome addiction rather than promising abstinence (which tends to result in continued use being hidden anyhow).

 

If he needs charts and graphs, an outline, and footnotes to figure out how to treat you with basic decency he is too clueless to be anybody's significant other.

 

I honestly think claiming ignorance is just another excuse to justify himself. No one is that stupid. And if I call him on it, then I usually getting a speech about how "hard" this is for him and how he will overcome it in time.

[HurtinginTexas]

Against my better judgment a few months ago, I took him back - yet again. We started with a new couple's counselor. He bought another house large enough to accomodate all of us and our kids. Things seemed to be going well - but as usual, the underlying problem remains. He was still emotionally "cheating" on me with his ex-wife. They continued to take day trips togethr, have deep talks about their failed marriage, and all that stuff he knew upset me and chose to do anyway. He continued to try to help his ex-wife get over him by pissing her off rather than taking any responsibility on himself. He continued to confuse his kids with his mixed signals. And, most of all, he continued to lie to me and himself. He has no remorse at all (as marked by behavior change) and takes no responsibility. He blames my "unreasonableness" on my childhood. (Because every other woman would happily accept this duplicity, right??? Please).

 

So - for the millionth time, I am done with this. Here's hoping the quadrupled dose of antidepressants I'm now on finally works so he can't suck me back in with fear. I don't know why I set myself up for another round of this crap. Desperation? Fear? Je ne sais quoi.

 

The thing is, I can't keep doing this. It's killing me, quickly. I have deteriorated more in these last two years than in the worst periods of abuse in my childhood. So how do I resist the urge to cave to the fears he knows to play on? How do I find a way to feel secure that I'll be ok without him and not alone the rest of my life? (In many ways I fear my participation in the affair with him is something I'll never live down). Any thoughts?

 

 

Read my posts we need to share and get through this

[Brokenlady]

Ok, so I stiall haven't spoken to him at all and I've had no breakdowns over it. Yay. He did send an email yesterday that I didn't respond to about how NOW he's prepared to do whatever i need, don't throw away our life together in the new house, blah blah. It's all the same old pack of lies and empty promises.

 

Today I was out doing yardwork and I saw him drive by with the kids and his xW in the car. Just had to drive by my house to be a dick (his xW lives nearby me, but not in any way that'd he'd have to drive past my house). Knowing him as I do he'll get bored after dropping his kids off tonight and try to call me. I'll ignore it.

 

That man with be the death of me and I just don't want to lose any more of my life thinking about him. It's so clear that he only ever voices interest (albeit insincere) about meeting my needs when I'm leaving and HIS needs won't get met. I realize that he never did anything purely for me - it was always about what he'd get in return. SO much energy wasted on him for way too long.

[jthorne]

You do see the contradiction, right? He tells you he's now ready (whatever) and then he drives by WITH the same person he's supposed to be "now ready" to not be around?

 

Good for you sticking to NC.

[bittersweet memories]

Ok, so I stiall haven't spoken to him at all and I've had no breakdowns over it. Yay. He did send an email yesterday that I didn't respond to about how NOW he's prepared to do whatever i need, don't throw away our life together in the new house, blah blah. It's all the same old pack of lies and empty promises.

 

Today I was out doing yardwork and I saw him drive by with the kids and his xW in the car. Just had to drive by my house to be a dick (his xW lives nearby me, but not in any way that'd he'd have to drive past my house). Knowing him as I do he'll get bored after dropping his kids off tonight and try to call me. I'll ignore it.

 

That man with be the death of me and I just don't want to lose any more of my life thinking about him. It's so clear that he only ever voices interest (albeit insincere) about meeting my needs when I'm leaving and HIS needs won't get met. I realize that he never did anything purely for me - it was always about what he'd get in return. SO much energy wasted on him for way too long.

 

Damn he's a joke..

[PhoenixRise]

Ok, so I stiall haven't spoken to him at all and I've had no breakdowns over it. Yay. He did send an email yesterday that I didn't respond to about how NOW he's prepared to do whatever i need, don't throw away our life together in the new house, blah blah. It's all the same old pack of lies and empty promises.

 

Today I was out doing yardwork and I saw him drive by with the kids and his xW in the car. Just had to drive by my house to be a dick (his xW lives nearby me, but not in any way that'd he'd have to drive past my house). Knowing him as I do he'll get bored after dropping his kids off tonight and try to call me. I'll ignore it.

 

That man with be the death of me and I just don't want to lose any more of my life thinking about him. It's so clear that he only ever voices interest (albeit insincere) about meeting my needs when I'm leaving and HIS needs won't get met. I realize that he never did anything purely for me - it was always about what he'd get in return. SO much energy wasted on him for way too long.

 

 

Good for you for seeing clearly and for sticking to NC.

[jj33]

See how amazing you are? You did it. Im so happy for you.

 

And now that he is no longer a part of your life, he wont be the death of you.

 

Congrats you have freed yourself from this man

[White Flower]

I'm thinking to myself, what is his xW thinking when he chooses to go out of his way to drive by your house? What is he thinking? What are all the kids thinking?

 

W: Oh look, BL is all alone doing yardwork, yay. xH isn't doing it for her this time.

 

Conversely, W: Oh look, xH wants to sneak a peek at BL and make me feel like s***. Poor thing, BL must feel like s*** too. What a s*** we both happen to love.

 

DM: Let's see if I can piss 'em off, killing two birds with one stone. Who will cry for me the hardest tonight?

 

Kids: God, why does Daddy do stupid things? Why did you make us more mature than him?

[donnamaybe]

BL, you sound like SUCH a giving woman. Please remember that wonderful quality about yourself and hold it in your heart. Try to only give yourself to someone who deserves the good treatment they would get from you.

[fooled once]

YOU are doing YOUR yardwork, yet he helps his ex wife (or rather DOES his ex wife's yardwork)???

 

Isn't that totally f'd up??

 

((hugs))