Desperate for baby, Husband 'not ready yet'

[Bramble]

I met my Husband 9 years ago and this year we will be celebrating our second wedding anniversary.

 

We do both want children, we both knew as soon as we met each other that we had both found 'the one' and he even wrote me a letter after we had been together a couple of years, which I cherish/torture myself with dependant on what way you look at it that said he couldn't wait til we had a baby and wished we had the money to have one then (he was at Uni and I had only just started my first job) a few months after this we bought a house together but then I hit a really bad patch of depression and we split up for circa 8 months, I think that whilst my anti-depressants took away alot of the depressive side of me they effected the rest of my feelings too but with the benefit of hindsight I think we needed that break and my Husband has said sine that he feels the same and that it has ultimately made us stronger. 3 years on from getting back together my Husband proposed and we were married a year later and here we are 2 years on.

 

knowing our mutual feelings about babaies and how we have always said to each other that we can't wait to have them, we never really discussed the whole baby thing before we got married and based on the length of time we had been together, how strong our relationship is and how much we love each other I guess I (wrongly) presumed that a little while after we were married we would start trying for a family, I certainly didn't feel the need to discuss it.

 

I have been ready to have his baby for a LONG time, I get incredibly broody and ache to have his baby, I love my Husband so much and the natural step for me now is to have his baby but my Husband says he does want my baby but he isn't ready yet, when I probe him about this he says he thinks we are too young (he is 27 and I am 25 and will turn 26 this year) I don't accept this argument as age is a number, there is no right time to have a baby but I do realise you have to be ready for one or else it won't work so right now I am stuck in a catch 22 - I am getting incredibly cut up about things but I know he isn't ready.

 

I quit my job a few weeks ago as I wasn't enjoying it but truth be told, i was such an emotional wreck over the baby thing and I was struggling to cope, I think if I had stayed I would have had a breakdown. If I enjoyed my job maybe it would have taken my mind off the baby thing, I've done alot of thinking and grieving the past few weeks, which sounds daft I know as I haven't lost anything and we will have a baby 'one day', I am going to look for a new job soon, my Husband and family have said take a break cos they think my old job burnt me out but it was a combination of major job dissatisfaction and major baby wish unfulfilled factor. I know my next job has to be something I love so I can push the baby longing to one side but I have become such a wreck I worry whether these two elements of my life will ever fulfil me.

 

I love my Husband and wouldn't swap him for the world, I wrote him a letter about how I felt and he seemed a little upset alot relieved and just hugged me and said thanks - not quite the reaction I was hoping for but then I don't know what I hoped to achieve and I think I maybe worded it too much for what he would want to hear such as I know he isn't rejecting me and I am feeling better equipped to cope/handle the situation (we have had many rows and I have cried many tears over this)

Sorry to ramble but I am at such a loose end - aside from this one crucial, heart ache element of our relationship we have the most amazing relationship ever but this is really effecting me and I need someone elses perspective, I feel I can't talke to any of my friends or family about this, although I have mentioned it very briefly in conversation with my Mum where I ended up in tears but nobody really knows how this is effecting me right now.

Edited April 30, 2010 by Bramble

[slatka_sarah]

***hugs***

 

No worries, this too shall pass Honestly - I think your hubby may just be scared. I don't meant to be nosy, but did he have an okay childhood? Does he have good memories of it? This may play a part in how he feels.

 

Have you both had a good sit-down about it? I mean a real heart-to-heart, not just casually bringing it up as you pass each other in a rush while getting ready to go out or something like that. You most definitely are not too young for a child. I was 24 and my husband was 29 when I became pregnant. Your internal clock is letting you know it's time. However - a baby DOES change things. It becomes priority #1 above all else. If the 2 of you share a very social life together right now, maybe he is not ready to give something like that up just yet...have you confirmed that? Not to say you won't HAVE any social life once a baby arrives, but like I said, you can't just up and go somewhere, baby has to be involved with everything.

[CarrieT]

I'm sorry, but to quit your job because you are so psycho to have a baby does not bode well. I think you need some seriously counseling and quite frankly, based on HOW you wrote what you wrote, I would side with your husband.

 

I apologize for sounding so cold, but you are coming across as irrational and that does not sound like someone who is ready to become a mother.

[fooled once]

I'm sorry, but to quit your job because you are so psycho to have a baby does not bode well. I think you need some seriously counseling and quite frankly, based on HOW you wrote what you wrote, I would side with your husband.

 

I apologize for sounding so cold, but you are coming across as irrational and that does not sound like someone who is ready to become a mother.

 

I have to agree. I am concerned that you quit a job because you couldn't focus because your are so wrapped up in thinking about having a baby???

 

Maybe your husband sees this too and realizes you aren't mature enough right now for this type of commitment. Having a child will change your life.

 

I love my husband very much --- incredibly much -- but we chose to NOT have a child together (this was a second marriage for both of us and we both have children from previous marriages). Just because you love someone doesn't mean you MUST have a child together. It is concerning how wrapped up you are in thinking about this.

 

Please talk to a counselor. Until you get yourself mentally healthy, I don't think you are ready for a child.

[Teslacoil]

Bramble, your post makes it sound as if there is a gigantic hole in your life that you have not told us about. A hole that you are psychologically desperate to fill, and you've decided to fill it with a baby.

 

I agree with fooled once. Please seek counseling. Having a baby is a wonderful, fantastic thing to look forward to. It's not something to have an anxiety attack over, stress your relationship with your husband over, and quit a job over.

[Bramble]

"to quit your job because you are so psycho to have a baby does not bode well."

 

To clarify, the job quitting was a completely separate issue and my Husband had told me and supported me in quitting my job and it has not given us any financial implications.

 

Using the term 'psycho' when someone has mentioned they have had a depression isn't exactly PC, perhaps you should broaden your awareness of mental health issues.

 

There's sounding cold and there's being incredibly insensitive, howver, thanks for your viewpoint (I think)

[Bramble]

Stalke Sara

Thanks for the hugs and the reassurance

 

Carrie T

"to quit your job because you are so psycho to have a baby does not bode well."

 

Using the term 'psycho' when someone has mentioned they have had a depression isn't exactly PC, perhaps you should broaden your awareness of mental health issues.

 

There's sounding cold and there's sounding ignorant, however, word choice aside; thanks for your viewpoint.

 

Fooled Once

I appreciate having a baby is a huge step

Thank you for your viewpoint, you are fortunate enough to have kids so you have filled a void in a certain way. I know that just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to have a baby together, however, I can't help the way I feel and feeling broody; which is natural, not concerning.

 

Teslacoil

You post struck a chord with me, which hopefully proves to the others that just because you may say something I don't neccesarily want to hear I do appreciate all viewpoints; Thank you

Edited May 5, 2010 by Bramble