Rollercoaster over?

[Bigbopper]

Ok. Need to post on here, cos I need some support.

 

I have been with my (now ex) on and off for 7 years. We have always had a tubulent relationship and we have a nearly 5 year old son.

 

Time and time again we have broke up and tried again, the worst of which was last year when I went with someone else. She threw me out of course, and I spent 5 months living elsewhere, before we agreed to give it a final shot. Neither of us were 100% but the idea of the family living together meant so much to us, and I subsequently proposed. She said yes, we got engaged and then within a month the turbulence started again, mainly because of the lack of trust. We had a huge row and she asked me to leave for a couple of nights. During this time I thought and thought about the good times and bad times, and realised that we are much better parents when we are not together.

 

I went back to see her last night, to collect a few things, to discuss money etc, and she begged me not to leave, saying she would change, we could work, etc, and for the first time in 7 years I listened to my head, not my heart, and walked out the door.

 

I know I have broken her heart but still feel its for the best. But now I cant live with myself. I feel cruel and evil, heartless, cold, and angry for not giving in.

 

What do I do? Of course I miss them both terribly and am excited about seeing my son, but why I am made out to be the bad guy? When she is angry she says the most horrible things, about me dying, she doesnt love me etc, and I cant forget that.

 

Please help.

[trippi1432]

Ok. Need to post on here, cos I need some support.

 

I have been with my (now ex) on and off for 7 years. We have always had a tubulent relationship and we have a nearly 5 year old son.

 

Time and time again we have broke up and tried again, the worst of which was last year when I went with someone else. She threw me out of course, and I spent 5 months living elsewhere, before we agreed to give it a final shot. Neither of us were 100% but the idea of the family living together meant so much to us, and I subsequently proposed. She said yes, we got engaged and then within a month the turbulence started again, mainly because of the lack of trust. We had a huge row and she asked me to leave for a couple of nights. During this time I thought and thought about the good times and bad times, and realised that we are much better parents when we are not together.

 

I went back to see her last night, to collect a few things, to discuss money etc, and she begged me not to leave, saying she would change, we could work, etc, and for the first time in 7 years I listened to my head, not my heart, and walked out the door.

 

I know I have broken her heart but still feel its for the best. But now I cant live with myself. I feel cruel and evil, heartless, cold, and angry for not giving in.

 

What do I do? Of course I miss them both terribly and am excited about seeing my son, but why I am made out to be the bad guy? When she is angry she says the most horrible things, about me dying, she doesnt love me etc, and I cant forget that.

 

Please help.

 

Hi BigBopper, sorry to hear your problems, but you did the best thing by listening with your head and not your heart. Some people think that words are just words, but that's not true. Words cut to the soul, they take a lot out of you and even though you try to put them behind you, it's easier said than done when they come from someone you used to care about. I wish I could say it will get easier, but the longer time goes by, the more the head will process the hurtful words and put them in the right perspective.

 

Much luck to you, from someone who has been there, and even been there lately with someone other than the ex.

[Bigbopper]

Thanks Trippi. Its always nice to hear from well wishers.

 

I have always listened to my heart as I am a very emotional person, I wear my heart on my sleeve etc, and it has never served me well. I always fall back into the same routine where I am usually unhappy. Its the toughest thing I have ever done in my life, and all day I have been questioning myself, my judgement "have I got it wrong, could we work etc", but I know deep down eventually it will start to get easier.

 

I just wish it could have been more mutual. She wasnt happy either, but was willing to keep on trying.....

 

Hmph, more tears than ever today :-(

[trippi1432]

Give it time, my ex and I were awful to each other....9 months later, we are there for each other for our kids, and for ourselves...be there for them and vice versa...it can be positive, you just both have to work on it. As for the relationship...take it as it is and move on to find happiness.

[Bigbopper]

I think it will be more difficult than that :-(

 

She has not contacted me or returned my calls...I know I have no real reason to contact her but I want to just hear my sons voice, make sure all is ok as poss etc. Now im in a panic!

 

What should I do...?

[pillowtalk]

Is she the kind of person to prevent you from seeing your son, or can you go by to visit him? Surely she must realize how important that is to you, even when your relationship with her has failed. Hang in there - this may be tough for a little while, but you're doing the right thing for your own happiness.

[Bigbopper]

Well, I was supposed to see him today but got a txt this morning saying shes gone away for a few days. Ouch, I miss everything so much :-(

 

First real lonely day today, guess its starting to hit home.

 

Thanks guys

[Bigbopper]

So, here we are, almost a month from splitting and it feels so raw still. I am still finding out things that were kept secret when we were together and it makes me feel angry, sad, dissapointed, and lonely. I miss her and my son, but I know its for the best.

 

Can someone explain to me something? our son has been acting strange the last few days, from being clingy, to angry, and he has become very attached to a soft toy that he never used to like before. It breaks my heart to think of what he is going through, someone please help?

 

:-(

[trippi1432]

So, here we are, almost a month from splitting and it feels so raw still. I am still finding out things that were kept secret when we were together and it makes me feel angry, sad, dissapointed, and lonely. I miss her and my son, but I know its for the best.

 

Can someone explain to me something? our son has been acting strange the last few days, from being clingy, to angry, and he has become very attached to a soft toy that he never used to like before. It breaks my heart to think of what he is going through, someone please help?

 

:-(

 

The hardest part is protecting the children, they always get the raw end of the deal no matter how much you love them or try to protect them....to them, the world as they knew it...it just ends. Getting clingy to the toy is most likely a coping mechanism....the biggest thing to remember is not to use the son as a ping pong ball on each other's emotions. Do what is best for your son, you can't "fix" the ex.

[Bigbopper]

Thanks Trippi, I know you are right, I just dont want to admit that I am responsible for hurting my child and his world.

 

He is pure and innocent, and when I snuggle up with him I just want to cry. He knows something is not right, but cant process whats happening, and it must be so confusing for him :'(

[trippi1432]

Thanks Trippi, I know you are right, I just dont want to admit that I am responsible for hurting my child and his world.

 

He is pure and innocent, and when I snuggle up with him I just want to cry. He knows something is not right, but cant process whats happening, and it must be so confusing for him :'(

 

You aren't "responsible" in the way you are thinking (guilt and shame). This happened....you can only control what is within your power to control and that is how well he comes out of it. Just show him love, but do normal things with him that you used to do.

 

When my ex first left, I had a time with my teenage son thinking that he ruled the roost....it was because in his mind, he thought with his dad gone, he had to be the man of the house. That's a lot of responsibility at any age. Leave the heavy stuff to the parents and the kids be kids. All they need to to know is that you still love them and are there for them. Don't make them your emotional crutch tho and your "bridge" to the ex...not healthy for you or the child. You'll get there, just takes time.

[Bigbopper]

Hi all, so here we are 9 months after we split. My son is excelling at school, and I generally have a great relationship with him.

 

Its a real shame the same cannot be said for his mum.

I am STILL finding things out, and she continues to find new ways of getting to me, whether its by buying something expensive (I have no money so cant do that) or treating our son to something special like a trip away.

 

I know deep down its because she is trying to provoke a reaction, but the bottom line is it works.

I thought id got over all this, but I havent-although I can cope better (Instead of going nuts and rowing, we just talk).

 

Summer last year I took him camping (proper F+S weekend) and it was ace, of course the moment he was home they went out somewhere amazing.

 

Christmas was so very hard, but I did see him on Xmas day, which was great

 

We are now coming up to a year since we broke up and you know what? I reckon I am ready to meet someone .

 

Anyway, not sure if anyone will read this, but wanted to get some feelings written down....

 

x

[Duckduckgoose]

Thank you for posting this update on your situation Bigbopper. Its good to know that you are making it even though you're not 100% back on your feet yet.

 

Just keep being a genuine father to your son.

[debtman]

Thanks for posting. My wife told me last Oct. that our M was over and she had just started an EA which quickly turned into a PA after I moved out.

 

I'm getting past the emotional part of dealing with how she treated me during the whole thing, but, it still kills me sometimes with the kids (6 yo daughter and 4 yo son). Especially when they talk about having fun with OM.

 

I suppose I should be glad that they like him instead of hating him, but it sucks because I feel like it should be time I should have with them instead of him. I think he sees my kids more than he sees his own (12 and 10) at this point.

 

So, when I read your post about your son being emotional and clinging to his toy, it really struck home. My daughter and I talk a lot and are very open about how we feel. She's also in a great program at school with other kids from divorce, adoption, deploying parents, etc. so she's doing pretty good with everything. My son isn't as talkative, doesn't know how to express himself as much and seems to be confused about things sometimes and just takes everything in stride other times.

 

I'm moving back into our house this weekend (have been living with my parents the last 4 months) and she is moving with the kids into a rental house, which is fabulous for me. The kids will get to come stay in my house and I'll get to start life again.

 

It will suck financially between mortgage, child support and my debt payment (which I'm a year from being done with), especially since my W got some $ from her dad's inheritance, OM has a pretty nice job (from what she tells me), and her business is doing well, so she's buying all sorts of new stuff, things for the kids, planning trips, etc.

 

I've just got to focus on spending as much time with the kids as I can, staying on top of the bills and making positive steps in my life.

 

Your last post is very positive and makes me feel better about the entire situation...So many of the posts on LS are about pretty unpleasant situations, so it's always good to hear things are working out and recovery is on its way.

 

 

Thanks!!

[trippi1432]

Hi Bigbopper - thanks for the update and glad to hear things are better for you and your son.

 

Ex's will always know how to push your buttons, especially if the relationship was as turbulent as you say. My son is now back home with me and things seem to be going much better, he gets up for school now and does what he is told, so I guess the 8 months at his dad's did some good.

 

Ex has tried to push my buttons on a couple of occasions in the past....but recently I'm seeing strange developments of him wanting to take on a more responsible parenting role in our son's life, ensuring that he has the things he needs and even looking into a backup plan for our son's schooling. I guess that is positive progress on his part, for that I should be glad.

 

Keep hanging in there and working on yourself and being a parent. Oh...and so what if she does something for your son that you feel outshines what you do...the fact is, parenting is not a competition. Your son will love you both for what you do for him...whether is showing him how to pop a tent and build a campfire or buying him the latest xbox game. Honestly, those things were a factor in the relationship before you split up and he was getting the best of both worlds....he still is, but if you both harbor and compete or hold it as resentments...it really just make your son become a materialistic person in the end because that is what he will learn by seeing you both hold that against each other. Just advice from someone on the other side of that in a similar situation.

[debtman]

Oh...and so what if she does something for your son that you feel outshines what you do...the fact is, parenting is not a competition. Your son will love you both for what you do for him...whether is showing him how to pop a tent and build a campfire or buying him the latest xbox game. Honestly, those things were a factor in the relationship before you split up and he was getting the best of both worlds....he still is, but if you both harbor and compete or hold it as resentments...it really just make your son become a materialistic person in the end because that is what he will learn by seeing you both hold that against each other. Just advice from someone on the other side of that in a similar situation.

 

Thanks for the perspective trippi, it's sometimes hard to remember that the most important thing you can "give" your kids is your time. It's such a battle sometimes to keep up with the finances, especially when you're no longer splitting bills with someone AND you then have to pay child support on top of that, it makes it hard to remember that the kids just want quality time more than anything.

[Bigbopper]

Thanks guys. Debtman, I know exactly how you feel.

 

Ex seems to be loaded right now, new stuff all the time while I scrape coins together for bus fares. Hurts like hell, but today was a realisation of how much my son loves me: I asked him (in the presence of his mother) if he wanted to stay over this weekend. His response? "No. I want to live with you". Of course right now that cant happen, but to know he feels that way about me is amazing.

 

Trippi, hey, hope you are well, thanks for the post, its so true and I 100% agree that material things are not important, and I must point out that I have never been like that with him. When he comes over we play outside, draw, watch tv, or just mess around, and its a real treat if I buy him something/take him out cos thats how I was bought up. I feed him well, so he knows he can always ask for a snack or something, and we generally have a great time. His mum was bought up in a "I want this, so dad will buy it" way, and thats still happening now. She tries to impose this on me, and thats why I was annoyed.

 

Anyway, heres to a more positive month

[Duckduckgoose]

Ex seems to be loaded right now, new stuff all the time while I scrape coins together for bus fares.

 

 

Loaded with debts maybe.

 

When people "suddenly" have money its either illegally obtained or... borrowed. Or is there another man she's golddigging from?

 

I wonder how 20% interest rate (33%+ if she misses a payment) feels? Maybe you should ask her sometime:p

[trippi1432]

Hey Bigbopper - on this:

 

"Trippi, hey, hope you are well, thanks for the post, its so true and I 100% agree that material things are not important, and I must point out that I have never been like that with him. When he comes over we play outside, draw, watch tv, or just mess around, and its a real treat if I buy him something/take him out cos thats how I was bought up. I feed him well, so he knows he can always ask for a snack or something, and we generally have a great time. His mum was bought up in a "I want this, so dad will buy it" way, and thats still happening now. She tries to impose this on me, and thats why I was annoyed."

 

Just a general question, but how does she impose that on you...thinking attitude, rubbing your nose in it....etc? Was questioning because I'm on the other side of the boat here...my exH was always rubbing my nose in the fact that I was the bank and I bought our kid. Just thinking a similar situation and maybe two perspectives would be interesting......so bear with me here.

 

Now I will say, our son had to be pried from the apron strings at 11 years old...he's certainly a momma's boy...I would love for his father to have done those things with his son, however; the bond was just not there. They are doing better now though and do some things together...at 15 now, they are coming along. But it has been a rough few years considering.

 

Doesn't really matter who has what at this point...and no, she shouldn't be imposing on you what she does nor you either. Both of those benefits were present during the better times of the marriage right? Or were they differences that became a problem?

[Bigbopper]

Hi Trippi, a quick post before bed (Im in UK so its late:eek:, not sure where you are?!)

 

She imposes it by yes, rubbing my nose in it etc. The moment I moved out the house was filled with lots of very nice new things, a new car, trips away etc, all stuff that when we were together we agreed we couldnt afford, as we were trying to clear debts etc. Dont get me wrong, we still had treats, but we were also trying to get married....

 

I have no money whatsoever, and she takes great pleasure in showing me what she has bought/done.

 

It was always there when we were together, but not so much a problem as other things, because we tended to buy things together, and usually go for the cheapest option:laugh:.

 

I guess what im saying is I get annoyed when for me, a treat with my child is going to the swimming pool and getting a pizza, whereas for her its flying abroad for a few days or taking him to a theme park or whatever-something I can only dream of, but then in the next breath she is saying she cant afford something and could I help her out (which I always end up doing).

 

Sorry if this doesnt make sense...

[trippi1432]

No, makes perfect sense...more a by-product of the divorce, not a means to a part of the problem with the relationship. I think mine had more of the issue the year before leading up to and the year during the divorce. Became more of an issue during the divorce.

 

Keep doing those things with your son...great bonding and being a good dad. Late there I am sure, I am US based.

 

Have a good night.