ange_lbabe Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 Hi everyone, this is actually a big step for me. I have never posted anything like this before. Well I have been with my bf for 7 years and have known him for 11 years. I am 25 and he is 26. We have bought a house together and we do everything like a married couple. He has supported me while I advanced in my career and I feel that I am supporting him with his sporting goals in life. I love him so much and I want to marry him and start a family. I dont want to marry him because my friends are getting married. I want to marry him because I have always grown up with the idea of marrying the person I love, I want to share my life with him as a married couple, he is the love of my life. This is possibly from my parents as they married when they were young. Unfortunately my bf doesnt see why we need to get married and he was brought up with his parents not being married. We have gone through so many us and downs and have still been together. He is a wonderful man!!! My bf says that if we get engaged, then married in the future, that I will want kids straight away, then will want something else like a bigger house, then want something else etc Am I being selflish with wanting to get married and have children? Ive always wanted to have a baby before im 30. I know im 25 now, but if I leave him then I am single and will basically be starting fresh again with someone else in the future. Giving an ultimatum wont work... I believe he wont give in to things like that so I am assuming if I did give an ultimatum that I would have to walk away. We have spent so much of our lives together... So should I stay and wait for him to finally give in and ask me to marry him... Or should I make the big step and leave?? Thanks Angelbabe Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 Hi everyone, this is actually a big step for me. I have never posted anything like this before. Well I have been with my bf for 7 years and have known him for 11 years. I am 25 and he is 26. We have bought a house together and we do everything like a married couple. He has supported me while I advanced in my career and I feel that I am supporting him with his sporting goals in life. I love him so much and I want to marry him and start a family. I dont want to marry him because my friends are getting married. I want to marry him because I have always grown up with the idea of marrying the person I love, I want to share my life with him as a married couple, he is the love of my life. This is possibly from my parents as they married when they were young. Unfortunately my bf doesnt see why we need to get married and he was brought up with his parents not being married. We have gone through so many us and downs and have still been together. He is a wonderful man!!! My bf says that if we get engaged, then married in the future, that I will want kids straight away, then will want something else like a bigger house, then want something else etc Am I being selflish with wanting to get married and have children? Ive always wanted to have a baby before im 30. I know im 25 now, but if I leave him then I am single and will basically be starting fresh again with someone else in the future. Giving an ultimatum wont work... I believe he wont give in to things like that so I am assuming if I did give an ultimatum that I would have to walk away. We have spent so much of our lives together... So should I stay and wait for him to finally give in and ask me to marry him... Or should I make the big step and leave?? Thanks Angelbabe Do you want to have kids right away? You guys are still young, you do have time. I get the impression that he is just making excuses. Obviously you don't have to have kids right after getting married, especially since you are young. And you don't automatically need a bigger house either. There ARE things you are going to want out of marriage, that's just natural!!! Unfortunately it sounds like he just doesn't want to get married, even in the future. 7 years is a pretty long time to be together even though you are still young. I know it sounds hard to start over but you do have time. You have talked to him, he has basically told you how he feels...he doesn't want to get married. So you either have to decide if you are willling to give up that dream to have him in your life or leave to find another partner who wants to get married. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 We have bought a house together and we do everything like a married couple. I know why you want to get married, and you explained why - but what's in it for him? Can you think of incentives for him? If you can outline the positives for him, and show him what he stands to gain from it he might be more inclined to consider it. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 I know why you want to get married, and you explained why - but what's in it for him? Can you think of incentives for him? If you can outline the positives for him, and show him what he stands to gain from it he might be more inclined to consider it. Really? Is that how we're viewing marriage now? What's in it for me? How will this benefit me? What do I get out of it?? What happened to I love this person more than anything in the world and want to spend my life with them by my side? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ange_lbabe Posted April 30, 2010 Author Share Posted April 30, 2010 I thought that marrying me would be enough for him?? lol I never thought of giving incentives so he would change his mind... I guess I am going to have to make a decision soon. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 1, 2010 Share Posted May 1, 2010 Really? Is that how we're viewing marriage now? What's in it for me? How will this benefit me? What do I get out of it?? There is a lot more to getting married than romantic idealism. This guy clearly intends to be with her for life, already lives with her and they own a house together. So what is his incentive to spend the extra money on jewelry/ceremony when they are already living like a married couple? There is nothing wrong with wanting marriage and children. We know her incentives. What would be some for him to get him on the same page about making it legal? Marriage is something two people have to want. She wants it. He doesn't - the question is: how do you show a man who is already emotionally committed living a married life how important it is to be actually married? If he won't do it out of "romantic love" - then there must be some other way to convince him that it is a good idea, and convincing someone means you have to show them how they will benefit. What happened to I love this person more than anything in the world and want to spend my life with them by my side? I dunno. When I got to the part about the ultimatum I wondered that myself. If you love someone more than anything in the world why would you walk away from them if they don't do what you want? Link to post Share on other sites
amymarieca Posted May 1, 2010 Share Posted May 1, 2010 I was in the exact same situation and I never ended up marrying the guy. Think about it, how many stories do you hear like this that end in a pleasant way, with the guy finally realizing that his girlfriend is the love of his life? I have yet to hear of this happening. Clearly this guy does not want the same things as you and I think you need to move on. I also think that you need to take the pressure of yourself to have a child before the age of 30. What is it with 30 years old anyway? Is it a death sentence, or a point at which you are unable to do anything else with your life? This is the impression I get from a lot of people. Just be patient and the right guy will come along. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ange_lbabe Posted May 1, 2010 Author Share Posted May 1, 2010 Thank you everyone for your help... There is defintely some thinking to be done. I also dont believe there is a death sentence with having children after 30... I just felt with all the achievements I have done with my career that I am now ready to progress with the next stage of my life.. Leave the career as is and start a family.. And I know with that being said it is always best for both people to want to have a baby.. And also with the comment earlier about both people wanting to be married.. I dont think an ultamitum would work.. in the end I love him and want to know that he is marrying me because he wants to also... Alot of thinking has to be done... xxx Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted May 1, 2010 Share Posted May 1, 2010 I dont think an ultamitum would work.. in the end I love him and want to know that he is marrying me because he wants to also... Bingo!! If you are most definately sure that he does not want to get married then you have a very big decision to make. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted May 1, 2010 Share Posted May 1, 2010 I would go, even though my marriage has not turned out quite the way I would have envisioned it, I would never settle for less then being married. I believe it shows better odds of committment and more of a self-respecting choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 3, 2010 Share Posted May 3, 2010 Does he not want children at all, or just not soon? That, in my opinion, is the biggest issue about staying or leaving. If he does not ever want to have children, are you willing to give up that desire of your own? If you did, would you be forever resentful? Link to post Share on other sites
BettyBoop Posted May 5, 2010 Share Posted May 5, 2010 If you love someone more than anything in the world why would you walk away from them if they don't do what you want? I guess the answer to that is the same as "if you love someone more than anything in the world why wouldn't you want them to be your husband/wife?"...just as difficult a question to answer. From my experience, if a guy truly believes you are the one he will propose (and boy will he regret it later on if you end it with him) and if he's not sure you are... Link to post Share on other sites
Tethys Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 I know why you want to get married, and you explained why - but what's in it for him? Can you think of incentives for him? If you can outline the positives for him, and show him what he stands to gain from it he might be more inclined to consider it. Lucrezia has a point--whats in it for him? I know of at least one woman who wouldn't buy a house with her boyfriend until they got married, but you've already played that card, so to speak. For me, the big advantage to finally tying the knot with my long-term g/f was removing the growing clouds over my head from not making an honest woman out of her--basically to not look like a loser/dirtbag for not making a committment (at least that's how most women probably see it and it didn't matter to me much b/c she was willing to do a small, simple wedding.) So my point is, he might be convinced if you tried to explain how it might look to your parents and friends to get to 8, 9, 10 years and still just be "living together" b/f-g/f. Your parents might even be starting to disapprove? That might convince him. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
LamseyDivey Posted May 24, 2010 Share Posted May 24, 2010 Hi everyone! First-time poster here. The stories above are all too familiar. I've been dating the same guy for 8 years (living with him for most of that time). Our relationship is stable and happy. I'm almost 27, and he is almost 30. When the relationship started, my boyfriend was 100% against marriage. Politically and socially, he didn't see why the government or church needed to rubber-stamp someone's relationship. He also didn't want to ever be in the position of paying child support for kids he didn't have custody of. I was only a teenager when we began dating, so I cruised along... But now my biological clock is starting to tick. I'd like to start a family and settle down rather than having this uncertainty. I want to know that he is planning to have me in his future the same way I'm counting on him. And if he's not seeing me in his future, I need to make alternate plans. Of course, we can settle down without actually getting married. But here's the other thing. My family is VERY conservative. They absolutely do not treat our relationship as being valid. They "forget" my boyfriend's name and refuse to visit us in our home. We aren't invited to holidays together. They pray for me (since I am "living in sin"). After 8 years, this is really painful and alienating. Marriage IS a symbol, but it's an important one. It signifies to society that we are adults, beginning our own life. It means that, yes--we have given up certain freedoms in order to bind ourselves closer together legally. We now come together as a unit. And for me personally, it would end this choice I always have to make between him and my family. (I have always chosen him.) Surely I'm not asking for anything unreasonable? I don't want him to give up anything that I'm not also giving up. I don't care about having some fancy wedding, and I certainly do NOT intend to take any of my boyfriend's money if we were to marry and divorce. (My own parents went through a nasty divorce, and I would never hope to repeat that or inflict that sort of pain on anyone.) Fortunately, my boyfriend is actually considering marriage now. A few years ago he was absolutely against it, so this is a big step. We'll see how it turns out. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted May 24, 2010 Share Posted May 24, 2010 Lucrezia has a point--whats in it for him?. I hate this question..what is in it for him? Okay: 1. he gets to spend the rest of his life with the woman he loves FULLY committed. 2. he gets to declare his love for his girl in front of those he loves 3. he shares the joy of his wife having children Can he do these things without marriage? Yes. But IMO if a man REALLY loves his SO, then he will WANT to make her happy and share in those things with her. So my point is, he might be convinced if you tried to explain how it might look to your parents and friends to get to 8, 9, 10 years and still just be "living together" b/f-g/f. Your parents might even be starting to disapprove? That might convince him. Good luck. So she needs to convince him to marry her. Wow, that sucks for her. I wouldn't want to marry a man I had to convince or threaten into marrying me. Link to post Share on other sites
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