trust or lack of it

[MONICA]

o.k. i see alot of relationship problems on this board, including mine. so the most advise i see given is to "trust" well here is my dilema. i don't know when, why or how i stopped trusting people, or if i ever did trust people. i guess i'm speaking mainly of guys. i can't blame anything on dear ole dad cause i grew up fatherless not knowing my dad or any male role model unless you count my stupid brother or my mom drunken boyfriend. well i am 43 and can't remember a time when i trusted "anyone" so i'm given this advise to "trust" my b'f or forget it. so, when you don't know "trust" don't know how it feels or what it looks like or when it slaps you in the face, then how can "you" "trust"? ! someone please explain...........

 

there is sooooooo much good advise on this board, it is a gem.....................thank you all for who respond in advance............monica

[Tony T]

You answered your own question.

 

Very early on, you couldn't trust the man who should have been there for you more than any other man on earth, your father. You were abandoned by him at a young age and couldn't count on him during your important early years when you formed the basis for trust in general. As a child, you probably felt if you couldn't trust "dear ole dad" to be there for you, you couldn't trust anybody. Apparently as a child there were others around you who couldn't be counted upon either.

 

Since you did not get the proper programming as a child to enable you to execute trust as an adult, it will be difficult.

 

It's hard enough to trust people anyway nowadays. People are probably a bit more self centered and their behavior is focused mostly on what is best for them. I suppose that's the way it should be but, in my opnion, there is not as much bending or compromise as there used to be.

 

There is no magic way to enstill the ability to trust into your being. You have to work on that yourself, one minute at a time. You might start by traveling in circles and attracting people in your life who are more apt to be trustworthy. If you are surrounding yourself with losers, you'll never get to first base.

 

One of your best chances is to find good people who may have the qualities that can earn your trust and work on letting trust grow over time. You may not recognize it but you will know there is something going on after a period of being around and having successful personal and business relationships with selected individuals.

 

Also, please explore a part of you that may have a lot of pent up anger and resentment from years past. People who come from highly dysfunctional growing up environments very often have a great deal of anger built up inside that is counterproductive to the formation of healthy human relationships. If you can get some help in identifying this anger, if it is there and my bet is it's there, you will take giant leaps forward in your ability to form closer trust attachments.

[Lucille]

I know how you feel - for a long time I had no concept of trusting in relationships. I had simply never had any experience of it. Now at least I know (after several painful lessons over a long period of time) what it is supposed to look like. I learned by reading books and observing couples who had good relationships (even from TV!). Now I have to internalise this information and try and practise it. But I won't tell you it's easy. It's a long uphill battle but if you are determined to do it (and you are the only one who can make the choice to try) you can. Not all people can be trusted, but you will need to try and weed out the ones who can't be and do your best with the good people. I regress all the time in my relationship, but at least I am trying. Keep thinking in the right direction and you will get there.

 

Good luck.