scottishlassy Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 As the title states, what is your definition of cheating on a spouse? My spouse claims that he has not cheated on me because he has not had sex with another woman. I say he has because he has sent sexually explicit text messages to three women. He has topless pictures of these women on his phone. He has played with himself while chatting with these women on line and over the phone. Am I in the wrong here? Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 You are not wrong for feeling that he cheated. It was behavior he knew well enough you wouldn't like to have hidden it from you. Lying and hiding are what constitutes cheating. If you can't do it in front of your spouse or with their prior agreement that it is acceptable - you're cheating. He is blowing smoke up your a$$. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 Doesn't matter if sex or sex-talk is involved or not. If the contact in any way de-prioritizes the marriage and/or is opaque to it, it's inappropriate. Simple. Gender-neutral. This is the definition I learned in MC. I cheated. Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 You should explain to your husband that the cheating/not cheating dichotomy he is using to justify himself is a false one. Whether or not his behavior was cheating in a technical sense, it was inappropriate, hurtful and disrespectful. He needs to apologize and never do anything like than again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scottishlassy Posted April 30, 2010 Author Share Posted April 30, 2010 I've talked to him until I am blue in the face about this. He is telling his family and friends that he was just "flirting" with these women. He even told our child, 14, that it was just flirting. Yet, on one of his weekends with our son, and my 17 year old son, he took another woman with them, was seen "pawing" her and he had the nerve to tell the boys that it would be just between him and them and to not tell me about it because I would only take it the wrong way. I can not trust this man anymore. I don't know who he is now. He asked me for a divorce 4 months ago now, but hasn't really done anything other than to tell me that he won't pay spousal support. It's like he wants his cake and eat it too. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 The appropriate response would be, in this order.... 1. Serve him with divorce papers 2. Ask him to leave the marital home He has included your minor children in this unhealthy charade, and that's unconscionable. He's got to go Link to post Share on other sites
Author scottishlassy Posted April 30, 2010 Author Share Posted April 30, 2010 The appropriate response would be, in this order.... 1. Serve him with divorce papers 2. Ask him to leave the marital home He has included your minor children in this unhealthy charade, and that's unconscionable. He's got to go Agree 100%. Working on order #1 and as for order #2, he left 4 months ago. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 FL100/110 here in Cali only take a couple hours or less to fill out. Stbx did them herself, we split the filing fee of 390.00, including service by the sheriff, and that process (serving of divorce papers) was completed in less than a week start to finish. Since you have kids, you'll likely retain a lawyer, but the timeframe should be similar. Since he's already left, it seems the process should be simple. Stbx and I were already living separately at the time she filed, too. Pretty painless. Sheriff and I shared a couple jokes. Life goes on. Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 basically, if you are interacting with someone else in a way you do not want me to know about, it's cheating & you will be kicked to the curb. I've done it to my wife & I can do it much easier & with little thought to any other woman that comes my way. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgirl Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 Doesn't matter if sex or sex-talk is involved or not. If the contact in any way de-prioritizes the marriage and/or is opaque to it, it's inappropriate. Simple. Gender-neutral. Well, I sort about agree, although I do think some kind of sex-talk must be involved. Otherwise, there are many other intense academic or creative relationships that might be under suspicion when they're not. But certainly the 50s prom-queen idea that one is not having sex if technically the act is not taking place is silly. People can become obsessed talking to someone on an internet site, and that is cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 Academia and science and art don't de-prioritize a marriage. I can have an intense discussion about a car engine with a female racer and it's perfectly healthy. If I say 'my wife just doesn't understand this about me', that's crossing the boundary. Intimacy with a person other than one's spouse de-prioritizes the marriage. It doesn't have to be sexual intimacy. It can even be taking marital business outside the marriage, where the other party looks at the person in social contact and *knows* their intimate business. When I catch people crossing this boundary now, I steer them back to safe territory by 'I think it's more appropriate if you talk to your spouse about this than myself'. We all define cheating differently. One only needs to look at past POTUS William Jefferson Clinton to deduce that. Nearly all the women who have had EA's with myself would tell you they never cheated, since we never had sex. Pretty convenient for them, dontcha think? Link to post Share on other sites
worldgirl Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 I can have an intense discussion about a car engine with a female racer and it's perfectly healthy. If I say 'my wife just doesn't understand this about me', that's crossing the boundary. Intimacy with a person other than one's spouse de-prioritizes the marriage. It doesn't have to be sexual intimacy. Well, yes, I would agree that saying "my wife just doesn't understand etc" is dodgy from the start. But there are many kinds of intimacy. I think one reason for the high Ango-American divorce rate is that people are expected to be all things to each other and it ain't gonna happen. I think that is setting the bar too highl Now my own marriage went to pieces a few months back when my husband deserted me suddenly, without warning, and moved abroad. He had serious problems, that's for elsewhere, but hey, it did last 28 years - and probably, since we were both independent-minded people, wouldn't have lasted for 3 years had we had such strictures as these. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 The crucial test the psychologist gave us was 'Could you communicate/behave in this fashion with this person in front of your spouse?' It's pretty simple. If one's spouse doesn't mind sharing of intimate marital details, or flirting, or physical affection, or sex, or whatever, then those parameters apply to *that couple*. 'I'd like to discuss this with your husband in the room' Simple boundary. If it's not an issue, then it's not an issue. I'll hug him too Link to post Share on other sites
You Go Girl Posted May 2, 2010 Share Posted May 2, 2010 Bottom line though, if your spouse walked into the room suddenly before you finished whatever it was, and you would be ashamed (assuming of course you have decent shame when appropriate) or embarassed for them to see what you were saying or doing--then you need to adjust behavior. Technically cheating or not. OP--that your spouse is teaching by example to your sons to hide adulterous behavior is completely unacceptable. You need to have a talk with your sons about this behavior, and teach them to always respect women, regardless of whether it is their mother or a friend of a friend...he is being a horrible role model. The golden rule applies, machismo dies. Link to post Share on other sites
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