I think I'm a hooker

[mishy]

It doesn't sound like that's in evidence here. Regardless of how good the sex might be, a situation that's going to erode your self respect will reduce the quality of your life in all sorts of ways. If it does, eventually that could have repercussions for your sex drive as much as anything else.

 

It definitely sounds like it's time to knock this on the head. In a few years time, you're going to look back on this...and the way you handled it at the end is going to be all important to you. Ideally, you'll look back and remember that you eliminated this one from your life in a reasonably classy and self respecting way.

 

What would that look like, for you? What's the most elegant way in which you can remove this person from your world?

 

I never thought about it having a negative effect on my sex drive in the future. ...

 

I dont know what would be an elegant way to remove him from my life. Just disappearing and not saying/ emailing anything at all?

 

tell me what you think would be a good way

[Taramere]

I never thought about it having a negative effect on my sex drive in the future. ...

 

I dont know what would be an elegant way to remove him from my life. Just disappearing and not saying/ emailing anything at all?

 

tell me what you think would be a good way

 

I would like you to imagine it for yourself....though I would say this. Absolutely don't contact him at all. But it's a good idea to have a plan in place for how you want to respond to him if he calls you (which he probably will eventually - if only out of curiosity).

 

What would you think would be a good way to convey to him the message that the situation has run its course and that you won't be seeing him again? You can't really mimic someone else's notion of an elegant way to convey that message. It has to come from a place of unshakeable self respect inside you, which you now have to find.

[mishy]

I would like you to imagine it for yourself....though I would say this. Absolutely don't contact him at all. But it's a good idea to have a plan in place for how you want to respond to him if he calls you (which he probably will eventually - if only out of curiosity).

 

What would you think would be a good way to convey to him the message that the situation has run its course and that you won't be seeing him again? You can't really mimic someone else's notion of an elegant way to convey that message. It has to come from a place of unshakeable self respect inside you, which you now have to find.

 

Probably the best way and easiest way for me, is just to stop contact completely out of the blue. Cold turkey.

 

Because if i go to him with some speech planned outlining reasons, well, he probably isnt going to care much, and then i might have second thoughts, and then.....

 

Actually telling him that its over- in my mind its giving the whole thing (and him) more attention than it deserves

[mishy]

And if, as you say, he turns up one day out of curiousity- if i just reject his advances, then he leaves- well that will be the end of it, because if he isnt getting sex from me, he wont have any interest in knowing me

[Taramere]

And if, as you say, he turns up one day out of curiousity- if i just reject his advances, then he leaves- well that will be the end of it, because if he isnt getting sex from me, he wont have any interest in knowing me

 

Okay. So there you have a completed plan. You won't contact him - ever. Not for any reason. If he contacts you, it's a very simple case of just saying you're too busy to see him. His interest is too lukewarm for him to push the matter...and so, you see, it's really not going to be a hassle to get yourself out of this destructive situation.

 

When I talk, by the way, about ending it in an elegant way....I mean elegant from your perspective. It doesn't matter how anybody else sees it. Regardless of whether you deliver a long, eloquent speech or a short and snappy "sorry - too busy" you are probably never going to have this guy's respect. Some men have so little respect for women they're sexually involved with that to get even the slightest bit of respect from them would involve a constant uphill battle. One that if you think about it, I'm sure you'll realise really isn't worth the effort.

 

You've been expending all this time and effort in trying to get his love and respect, and it's been time and effort wasted in terms of not producing the desired result. On the other hand, it isn't a complete waste because it's part of a learning process for you. Learning what your boundaries should be, and also learning how to reach into your inner resources in order to cope with and move beyond one of the most painful of human experiences (ie being disrespected and/or rejected).

[S Chris]

This reply I posted was inappropriate so I am removing it. Unfortunately I cannot find the delete post button.

 

To keep this post from being pointless filler, I'll put the gist of it. I agree that this guy does not deserve to keep using the OP in the way that he is. And I wish her luck in removing him from being able to do so, although I know it's easier said than done.

Edited May 3, 2010 by S Chris

[mishy]

S Chris You have got me curious as to what you wrote now

[mishy]

Okay. So there you have a completed plan. You won't contact him - ever. Not for any reason. If he contacts you, it's a very simple case of just saying you're too busy to see him. His interest is too lukewarm for him to push the matter...and so, you see, it's really not going to be a hassle to get yourself out of this destructive situation.

 

When I talk, by the way, about ending it in an elegant way....I mean elegant from your perspective. It doesn't matter how anybody else sees it. Regardless of whether you deliver a long, eloquent speech or a short and snappy "sorry - too busy" you are probably never going to have this guy's respect. Some men have so little respect for women they're sexually involved with that to get even the slightest bit of respect from them would involve a constant uphill battle. One that if you think about it, I'm sure you'll realise really isn't worth the effort.

 

You've been expending all this time and effort in trying to get his love and respect, and it's been time and effort wasted in terms of not producing the desired result. On the other hand, it isn't a complete waste because it's part of a learning process for you. Learning what your boundaries should be, and also learning how to reach into your inner resources in order to cope with and move beyond one of the most painful of human experiences (ie being disrespected and/or rejected).

 

Its what ive been battling for the whole time- just a glimmer of respect, glimmer of emotion. Christ i havent even been invited to his house!!

 

And i guess as time has worn on, now its 2 and a half years- i mean WHO is in a FB relationship that long? I guess i thought he must have feelings to want to sleep with me for that long. Most times these f buddy things go for a few months dont they? ive never had one before..

 

and never again

[S Chris]

S Chris You have got me curious as to what you wrote now

 

Heh. It was basically about three paragraphs of my ranting about how this guy seemed like scum and that he's going to try every line in the book to get things back to where they were before even though he has no desire for anything other than keeping access without giving anything in return. "I'm interested, I love you!", "I want to get serious", "Please talk to me, I miss you", that sort of stuff. Guys like those make me irritable. I figured the endless bashing was taking it a bit too far, though. Plus it's entirely possible I'm getting the wrong idea about the situation. I tend to jump to conclusions when it comes to guys who look like "players".

Edited May 3, 2010 by S Chris

[S Chris]

... Most times these f buddy things go for a few months dont they? ive never had one before ...

 

Some guys are content with keeping an FB for years. There is no substance under the surface. They want free release when they can't find a better option so they are fine with using the broom in the closet instead of the power vac. It's an unkind example and I do apologize for any disrespect, but some guys are nothing but walking genitals.

[mishy]

Heh. It was basically about three paragraphs of my ranting about how this guy seemed like scum and that he's going to try every line in the book to get things back to where they were before even though he has no desire for anything other than keeping access without giving anything in return. "I'm interested, I love you!", "I want to get serious", "Please talk to me, I miss you", that sort of stuff. Guys like those make me irritable. I figured the endless bashing was taking it a bit too far, though. Plus it's entirely possible I'm getting the wrong idea about the situation. I tend to jump to conclusions when it comes to guys who look like "players".

 

theres absolutely no way he would ever say any of those things. If i said to him tomorrow "hey its over" he would say "Ok"

[Taramere]

Its what ive been battling for the whole time- just a glimmer of respect, glimmer of emotion. Christ i havent even been invited to his house!!

 

And i guess as time has worn on, now its 2 and a half years- i mean WHO is in a FB relationship that long? I guess i thought he must have feelings to want to sleep with me for that long. Most times these f buddy things go for a few months dont they? ive never had one before..

 

and never again

 

There may be emotions on his part. Few people are devoid of emotions....but it would be a mistake to think that this guy having any kind of emotion for you would change a thing.

 

I don't want to twist any knife. I know you're hurting. However, you've probably heard stories about guys who will live with a woman for years...then just suddenly walk out and away without a backward glance. I tend to think that unless a man makes it clear to you that he loves you, it's probably best to assume that he falls into that "would walk away without a backward glance" category.

 

I think someone else has cautioned you against trying to comfort yourself with the notion that he's simply burying his feelings away or isn't quite in touch with them. Whether he is or isn't...this will not change. This has been going on for two years now, and it's never going to improve.

 

A friend of my brother's years ago had a FB relationship with a woman, before the FB term was invented. I remember they ended up getting married, and I thought "eh? That's never going to work." Several years later he left her. I think that woman knocked herself out trying to make the relationship work with him...and all she really did was prolong the moment that he'd walk away for good.

 

Like a spoiled little kid, this guy will keep taking from you for as long as you let him...without giving a thing back. Walk away. Really. Just do it.

[mishy]

There may be emotions on his part. Few people are devoid of emotions....but it would be a mistake to think that this guy having any kind of emotion for you would change a thing.

 

I don't want to twist any knife. I know you're hurting. However, you've probably heard stories about guys who will live with a woman for years...then just suddenly walk out and away without a backward glance. I tend to think that unless a man makes it clear to you that he loves you, it's probably best to assume that he falls into that "would walk away without a backward glance" category.

 

I think someone else has cautioned you against trying to comfort yourself with the notion that he's simply burying his feelings away or isn't quite in touch with them. Whether he is or isn't...this will not change. This has been going on for two years now, and it's never going to improve.

 

A friend of my brother's years ago had a FB relationship with a woman, before the FB term was invented. I remember they ended up getting married, and I thought "eh? That's never going to work." Several years later he left her. I think that woman knocked herself out trying to make the relationship work with him...and all she really did was prolong the moment that he'd walk away for good.

 

Like a spoiled little kid, this guy will keep taking from you for as long as you let him...without giving a thing back. Walk away. Really. Just do it.

 

yeah you are right. He has barely said any kind of compliment to me in two years let alone saying he loves me.

Not only is he spoiled but he is really controlling- tells me how often i can email him, how often i can see him.

 

The time before last that i saw him- he pretty much got up and left after he *finished* and as he was walking down the hall i was trying to get one last cuddle or kiss. He turned to me and said ok this means goodbye and kissed me, and he got really angry saying " You dont know when to stop, its the same with the emails!!!" and left.

 

Then i didnt speak to him for two weeks and he was out of town anyway- and then i saw him last thursday which resulted in that meltdown.

[mishy]

Yeah i just remembered that time- as i was walking down the hallway with him and i was trying to get a kiss, he was actually saying:

 

"Nup, Over, Finished" (as in the sex is over) and kind of pushing me away. I was still naked, thats how quick he was leaving. hadnt even had a chance to put clothes on

 

how disgusting

[Taramere]

Yeah i just remembered that time- as i was walking down the hallway with him and i was trying to get a kiss, he was actually saying:

 

"Nup, Over, Finished" (as in the sex is over) and kind of pushing me away. I was still naked, thats how quick he was leaving. hadnt even had a chance to put clothes on

 

how disgusting

 

I'm struggling to understand how you could have feelings for someone who behaves like that towards you, but I'm guessing that it's relatively recently that he's started to display this side of himself. He just sounds such an unlikeable and repulsive character. I would also think that there's probably an abusive element to his personality, from what you're saying.

 

Well...time to put him behind you and start afresh Mishy. Life will be saner and happier without someone like that arouind. If you find you're having difficulties in getting him out of your mind, crazy as this may sound - I've found that hypnotherapy is a very good way of regaining a sense of control over your thoughts and emotions. Worth a try if you find yourself getting stuck?

[LucreziaBorgia]

This guy sounds like the one I was tangled up with last year and managed to finally rid myself of. There is only one way and that is to go completely NC with him. No more sex, no more emails, no more phone - just walk away. It will hurt. Trust me on that one. But honestly, by the two month mark of NC I was feeling much better. It took time, but one day I woke up and it was like I could breath again.

 

You'll get there. You just have to let go.

[mishy]

I'm struggling to understand how you could have feelings for someone who behaves like that towards you, but I'm guessing that it's relatively recently that he's started to display this side of himself. He just sounds such an unlikeable and repulsive character. I would also think that there's probably an abusive element to his personality, from what you're saying.

 

Well...time to put him behind you and start afresh Mishy. Life will be saner and happier without someone like that arouind. If you find you're having difficulties in getting him out of your mind, crazy as this may sound - I've found that hypnotherapy is a very good way of regaining a sense of control over your thoughts and emotions. Worth a try if you find yourself getting stuck?

 

Or a Lobotomy

 

I was thinking about hypnosis the other day and i have wondered if it would work on me...

 

yes that was recent, about a month ago- i guess his behaviour has got worse and worse gradually- as i put up with more and more.

 

Another thing, sometimes after i see him i email him to tell him how handsome he looked, and sometimes when i see him i tell him he's gorgeous. Its met with silence- he never says anything back. I think about a year and a half ago, he said i was cute, but he had an erection at the time so i dont think it counts.

 

MAybe he doesnt even like me

[mishy]

This guy sounds like the one I was tangled up with last year and managed to finally rid myself of. There is only one way and that is to go completely NC with him. No more sex, no more emails, no more phone - just walk away. It will hurt. Trust me on that one. But honestly, by the two month mark of NC I was feeling much better. It took time, but one day I woke up and it was like I could breath again.

 

You'll get there. You just have to let go.

 

Thats how i feel. It hurts to even think of just complete NC and not even telling him. What happened with your guy.? Did you tell him it was over or did you just disappear?

[JustJoe]

Mish, your guy reminds me of me. I used to have 4 or 5 women "on the hook", and would treat them like my personal property. A man will do this to you as long as you let him.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Thats how i feel. It hurts to even think of just complete NC and not even telling him. What happened with your guy.? Did you tell him it was over or did you just disappear?

 

I just stopped contacting him, blocked him on FB, and I simply never heard from him again.

 

I went back and found an old post from another forum where I posted about him (he is a big time narcissist and it is a coping forum for women who were/are involved with Ns) and looking back, I can honestly say I am very, very glad to be done with that.

 

I'm hoping you'll get to the point where you'll look back on this post and wonder ... what the heck was I thinking? And you'll be posting from a much happier place.

Edited May 3, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia

[D-Lish]

Mishy, you don't respect yourself. His behaviour is repulsive, he treats you like garbage...what is so wrong with you that you bring this upon yourself?

 

It's a matter of saying "no" to him, and "yes" to treating yourself better.

 

It's really even hard to feel bad for you- because you have all the tools to make a great choice for yourself and you won't. Instead, you make the same bad choice over and over again and then cry "poor me"... Stop crying poor me and say no to this douche-bag.

[mishy]

I just stopped contacting him, blocked him on FB, and I simply never heard from him again.

 

I went back and found an old post from another forum where I posted about him (he is a big time narcissist and it is a coping forum for women who were/are involved with Ns) and looking back, I can honestly say I am very, very glad to be done with that.

 

I'm hoping you'll get to the point where you'll look back on this post and wonder ... what the heck was I thinking? And you'll be posting from a much happier place.

 

 

yeah thats the thing, just shows how much they really care when you can stop contact and they dont even react

[mishy]

Mishy, you don't respect yourself. His behaviour is repulsive, he treats you like garbage...what is so wrong with you that you bring this upon yourself?

 

It's a matter of saying "no" to him, and "yes" to treating yourself better.

 

It's really even hard to feel bad for you- because you have all the tools to make a great choice for yourself and you won't. Instead, you make the same bad choice over and over again and then cry "poor me"... Stop crying poor me and say no to this douche-bag.

 

 

I dont know why i do it. I have no repect for myself i guess.

But no, its over now, im not sleeping with him again. That last time was so shocking, what he did, ive never felt liek that afterwards, it quite scared me.

 

i can understand why you dont have much sympathy for me as i have brought it on myself. I have kept it going. I have full control to stop it.