Fornication in long term relationship

[Clep]

My son's father and I have reconciled after almost a year apart. Before that we were together for about eight years. We have recently started going to a wonderful church and have been learning about living for gods will instead of our own.

 

One night a couple of weeks ago we were doing some reading and fornication was the topic. We are freaked out about having sex before we are married. I spoke with a pastor from our church and asked her if it was advisable for us to stop having sex until we are married. She mentioned that if she were advising a new couple she would mention that it would be a good idea to wait until after marriage.

 

One of the other pastors mentioned that since we have lived together for so long in the past and our son is seven, that it it is not like we are not in a committed relationship. We plan to marry in the next couple of months.

 

I asked a third pastor receiving these two conflicted answers but she said nothing really. She did say that god isn't against homosexuality in her eyes and that made me think that fornication isn't really a problem.

 

We have not had sex in the last couple of weeks, but is that required? We feel like we have not had a real answer to this question. Should we continue to wait till we are married or what? The more we read the more confused we get.

 

Are there any practicing Christians out there that can share with me biblically what their take is on this.

 

Thank you

[ADF]

This calls for common sense, not biblical scholarship.

 

You and your BF have been together 8 YEARS--that's longer than many marriages last. Plus, you habe a seven-year-old son. Obviously, the sex-before-marriage cat is out of the proverbial bag. What is the point of being celebate for the next few weeks? It is just silly, almost like you're mocking the biblical injunction rather than honoring it.

[shadowofman]

God hates fornication. But then again he wasn't married to Mary when he knocked her up. The bible is so full of contradictions you could justify any action. Just interpret it to your own favor. That's what your pastors were doing.

[pureinheart]

God hates fornication. But then again he wasn't married to Mary when he knocked her up. The bible is so full of contradictions you could justify any action. Just interpret it to your own favor. That's what your pastors were doing.

 

This reply was so sarcastic and so very out of line

[ADF]

This reply was so sarcastic and so very out of line

 

shadowofaman's response was a bit sarcastic, but it is not "out of line." When you put a sectarian religious question in front of a general audience, you run the risk of having some percentage of people think your concern is silly. That's just how it is. You cannot demand respect for an idea just on the grounds it is part of your religion.

 

Try to see it from a non-religious person's POV. Your case is that of two adults in an 8 year relationship, a relationship that has produced a 7 year old child, suddenly asking if it is okay to have sex for the next two months. Can you see why that might sounds a bit bizarre to some people?

[Toki]

This topic brings up a question, do some people get off by thinking god is watching them during sex?

[Clep]

shadowofaman's response was a bit sarcastic, but it is not "out of line." When you put a sectarian religious question in front of a general audience, you run the risk of having some percentage of people think your concern is silly. That's just how it is. You cannot demand respect for an idea just on the grounds it is part of your religion.

 

Try to see it from a non-religious person's POV. Your case is that of two adults in an 8 year relationship, a relationship that has produced a 7 year old child, suddenly asking if it is okay to have sex for the next two months. Can you see why that might sounds a bit bizarre to some people?

 

I wasn't asking the question from a non-religious person's POV. I was asking from a biblical point of view if a new realization now brings a new accountability, or if we as Christians can ignore the new teachings that a relationship with god brings.

 

It doesn't offend however what each person thinks.

 

I did receive my answers from another means. Thanks to all that responded.

[dazzle22]

I grew up in a very religious conservative Christian family, and have read the Bible cover to cover at least 3 times, and I can tell you that you can find in it justifications for doing OR not doing the same things.

 

In the Old Testament, men had many wives, PLUS concubines and we are told to hold such men, like David and Solomon in high regard, and their words are part of the Bible. Then the New Testament comes across as very harsh and rigid about sexual issues, but people just tend to ignore the passages they don't like and take others out of context to justify their opinions.

 

Then you should read church history, from Christ's birth to now. It is one big chauldron of conflicting views, interpretations, all by people thinking they have the 'corner' on truth or what God wants, including killing people who disagree even on trivial aspects of faith.

 

I think if there is a God, he/she doesn't care about a lot of our individual 'splitting hairs' of specifics, but would sure like it if humans would just get some basics right. Don't hate/kill/hurt each other, treat animals humanely and kindly as having a right to be here too, and not just for our 'consumption', and don't destroy this beautiful planet. Short of that, it is all up to individual interpretation.

[Eve]

Issac and Rebekah (OT) were my template prior to meeting my Hubby.. and shaped my thoughts on sexual union being a spiritual connection.

 

Further than this I would say that Gods Blessing is what most Christian marital unions are all about.

 

 

All the very best,

Eve xx

[dreamingoftigers]

If you don't mind my answering, what I have studied and been taught, is that fornication is wrong for many reasons. I do understand that the two of you have a child, plan to marry and are very committed to each other. It seems that the two of you are also trying to make a commitment to God. I would advise you to wait until after you married. Abstaining could make your honeymoon all the more special. Recommitting your bodies to the pleasure of only your husband/wife sets the two of you on the road to a renewed respect for marriage and the covenant between man/woman and God. Many blessing on your up coming marriage.

 

I second this, and in the New Testament it does say to keep the marriage bed free from fornication. (Among other things like adultery). I know that more modern pastors may not preach this and may also not wish to offend, but it is still the core teaching, this is not to say we are all perfect. I know what it is like to have temporary chastity in a relationship and it is hard. But as well taking the sex out of a relationship for awhile can also make you address other parts of the relationship that may not be being addressed because you are both "enjoying each other's company."

 

Sex can bond as much as it can be an anaesthetic, which is most likely why it is reserved for marriage in the first place, so that we get to know the people we are going to commit to without being blinded by sex.

 

I see you are in the same town as me:laugh:

[Clep]

If you don't mind my answering, what I have studied and been taught, is that fornication is wrong for many reasons. I do understand that the two of you have a child, plan to marry and are very committed to each other. It seems that the two of you are also trying to make a commitment to God. I would advise you to wait until after you married. Abstaining could make your honeymoon all the more special. Recommitting your bodies to the pleasure of only your husband/wife sets the two of you on the road to a renewed respect for marriage and the covenant between man/woman and God. Many blessing on your up coming marriage.

 

Thank you for this response. It is exactly what we are thinking and we have chosen to continue to abstain. We do feel that our commitment to god has changed our relationship and us as individuals. If I know now what we were doing was wrong, I see no reason in continuing to do it. Our relationship with each other, god and ourselves is stronger already. We not speak of how much more special our wedding night will be and look forward to it in more ways than in the bedroom.

 

Thank you for your blessings.

[Clep]

I second this, and in the New Testament it does say to keep the marriage bed free from fornication. (Among other things like adultery). I know that more modern pastors may not preach this and may also not wish to offend, but it is still the core teaching, this is not to say we are all perfect. I know what it is like to have temporary chastity in a relationship and it is hard. But as well taking the sex out of a relationship for awhile can also make you address other parts of the relationship that may not be being addressed because you are both "enjoying each other's company."

 

Sex can bond as much as it can be an anaesthetic, which is most likely why it is reserved for marriage in the first place, so that we get to know the people we are going to commit to without being blinded by sex.

 

I see you are in the same town as me:laugh:

 

I believe my pastors feel this way but are hesitant to just come out with it as in a situation like ours, the couple may not take that too well. It must be a sticky situation.

 

I second what you say about sex being reserved for marriage and why. Makes sense to me.

 

God Bless Calgary.

[Gail45ca]

Hi there, I agree with the people who have said they would honor God in waiting until you're married. Now that you two are going to be committed christians, you will be "New creatures in Christ." The bible says when you start living for Him, the old things must be put away. God will always convict a person in their heart by talking to their conscious. That feeling of wrong doing is God's way of telling us we need to stop whatever it is that is offensive to Him. I think it's wonderful that you two are starting fresh and are making God at the core of your relationship. What you've done in the past is forgiveable and forgetable if you just ask Christ to cleanse you of it. You're starting fresh and from now on, just seek His guidance in all aspects of your upcoming marriage. You can't imagine what kind of wedded bliss you're in for when you put God first! Many Blessings to you guys!

[shadowofman]

My point is that biblical context is beside the point. Being an "Awakened" Christian, your method is to ask God yourself, feel his answer in your heart, and then accept the answer. Just like your religious authorities did. As it turns out, they each asked the question, and based on their own interpretations and life experiences, they came to unique "logical" conclusions. Funny how God gave each of them a different answer. This would "logically" suggest that their conclusions were based on a judgement which assumes God's output.

 

Point of the story is that you should do what you think is right. And there is nothing wrong with asking others for their opinions.

[sxyNYCcpl]

Wow. Just wow.

 

That 3000 year old myths are given the status of the word of God is downright amazing. We have learned so much in the past 30 centuries, most of which contradicts the words of religion, it's downright amazing to me that anyone with a brain can give said texts credibility in any way.

 

I believe in a supreme being, a creator, if you must label it such, in a God. But I do not believe that anything man has to say about it carries any credibility, especially those words written thousands of years ago by people who mostly couldn't even read or write. The root of the religious proscription of 'promiscuous' sexuality is more closely related with mans inability to cure STD's back in the day (thus leading to the assumption that said disease was a punishment from God for sinful behavior) than to any prohibition issued from on high.

 

Sheesh.

[stillafool]

My son's father and I have reconciled after almost a year apart. Before that we were together for about eight years. We have recently started going to a wonderful church and have been learning about living for gods will instead of our own.

 

One night a couple of weeks ago we were doing some reading and fornication was the topic. We are freaked out about having sex before we are married. I spoke with a pastor from our church and asked her if it was advisable for us to stop having sex until we are married. She mentioned that if she were advising a new couple she would mention that it would be a good idea to wait until after marriage.

 

One of the other pastors mentioned that since we have lived together for so long in the past and our son is seven, that it it is not like we are not in a committed relationship. We plan to marry in the next couple of months.

 

I asked a third pastor receiving these two conflicted answers but she said nothing really. She did say that god isn't against homosexuality in her eyes and that made me think that fornication isn't really a problem.

 

We have not had sex in the last couple of weeks, but is that required? We feel like we have not had a real answer to this question. Should we continue to wait till we are married or what? The more we read the more confused we get.

 

Are there any practicing Christians out there that can share with me biblically what their take is on this.

 

Thank you

 

 

If you believe in the bible's teachings, then follow God's words not mans.

[taiko]

Does the Bible ever come out and specifically say when we are married? The largest Christian body takes the position that unless a Priest or Deacon who had hands laid on him by a Bishop who himself had hands laid on him with an unbroken succession to Jesus's 12, goes through a specific ceremony in a specific place you are not married. Others take the position that until you register with the secular authority you are not married. With positions in-between that spectrum.

 

As far as I can remember in the Bible when a couple lets it be known to others that they are a couple and then move into the same household they are married. If a wife to be was raped before she moved in with her husband the penalties are the same as a wife living with her husband, but different from a virgin not yet betrothed. This commoner's marriage , which became Common Law marriage after the Council of Trent when the Church did for the little people what it did for the VIPs. Since then the churches and states committed to officiating and registering marriages there has been an increased push to say that the common law marriage is in fact not a marriage.

[shadowofman]

There you go. The bible justifies fornication.

[taiko]

There you go. The bible justifies fornication.

I didn't say that. I said it is possible to say she was in fact married in the common law way. When she announced to the pastor, or community, her intent to marry she was indeed married since she had moved in with her mate.

[Clep]

If you believe in the bible's teachings, then follow God's words not mans.

 

If God's words were easy to decipher there wouldn't be so many different perspectives and so many different faiths I think. Hearing the ideas of others allows me to follow God's words much easier.

[Clep]

Does the Bible ever come out and specifically say when we are married? The largest Christian body takes the position that unless a Priest or Deacon who had hands laid on him by a Bishop who himself had hands laid on him with an unbroken succession to Jesus's 12, goes through a specific ceremony in a specific place you are not married. Others take the position that until you register with the secular authority you are not married. With positions in-between that spectrum.

 

As far as I can remember in the Bible when a couple lets it be known to others that they are a couple and then move into the same household they are married. If a wife to be was raped before she moved in with her husband the penalties are the same as a wife living with her husband, but different from a virgin not yet betrothed. This commoner's marriage , which became Common Law marriage after the Council of Trent when the Church did for the little people what it did for the VIPs. Since then the churches and states committed to officiating and registering marriages there has been an increased push to say that the common law marriage is in fact not a marriage.

 

That was one of the confusing things to me actually. I did believe that in biblical times there was not an actual ceremony and was confused as to what that means now. I mean does God not recognize common law....if you know what I mean. Either way living the safe way seems like less head work for me .

[Clep]

As we are born again, the things that felt right and made sense no longer seem to, at least to me. I lived with my former H before marriage. I would never to do that again, but I do understand the confusion others face. As you and your fiance' forge a new covenant with God, your faith, commitment and understanding will only increase in your love and respect for each other. I love what 1 Pet. has to say about marriage as well as Paul's letter to the Corinthians. Maybe you will enjoy reading it if you haven't already.

 

Thank you for this post. There are numerous things that no longer make sense to me and I have found my values and I guess one could say "morals" have changed greatly. My life is so much better than it used to be in a short time already. I have read that. Thanks

[shadowofman]

The concern here seems to be making sure that a sexual relationship only exists when monogamy is firmly established. The law, the church, and in fact God are not necessary to establish monogamy.

[sxyNYCcpl]

If you believe in the bible's teachings, then follow God's words not mans.

 

Do me a favor and let me know when you find some words written by God and not by man. Last I checked, every holy book available was produced by man.

[taiko]

That was one of the confusing things to me actually. I did believe that in biblical times there was not an actual ceremony and was confused as to what that means now. I mean does God not recognize common law....if you know what I mean. Either way living the safe way seems like less head work for me .

 

Well you mentioned a female pastor, so you are not Catholic, who pretty much said you are married and right now you are planning a party. And she would not advise you to refrain from sex until that party. In the end you two will have to decide what you will do. Just be glad that you will not have to lie and say that you are living as brother and sister, as Catholics and others must do, while raising a child between now and the public party.