Still Depressed

[Depressed]

Two years after a divorce I found what I thought was my soulmate. She was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen/been with and I have always dated pretty women but this one had super model looks with a playboy body. We dated for one year and talked marriage. Our problems arose out of the fact that I had 2 kids from my ex and she had never been married or had any children. As time went on it became an issue for her to know everytime I spoke with my ex and why I had to have conversation with her. The only conversation we ever had was regarding the kids. I felt very strongly about showing my children that even though their mom & dad didn't work out they could still remain friendly...things will end in your life but you don't have to hate as my now ex-girlfriend wanted me too. As I stated in an earlier post we finally broke up after my son's birthday turned into a day about her problems just 2 days before we were to go to Hawaii. I cancelled the trip as I saw no reason to spend 10 days arguing even though I knew it would probably end our realtionship...which it did. The amazing thing to me was she actually went by herself and then stayed 5 extra days as either a freind met her or she hooked up while on the trip. I actaully had paid for the the 10 day vacation package so the fool I am I was screwed either way but as I said I felt our problems had gone to far. When she returned she emailed my relatives for me to pick up my luggage while she was at work. I regert not going and probably would have gone if it felt like she really wanted me to go but this trip was about her obviously. I tried contacting her to either get some closure or worse yet reconcile to no avail...she didn't return an email, letter or phone call and actually hung up on me the one time I got thru. It has since been 2 weeks since I tried to contact her so I've wised up and gotten the message she put more importance on a committment to a vaction then love for a person or a future. We all make mistakes but I did everything for this woman by turning my life upsides down with my kids schedule to be with her..I helped her financially and gave her my heart. I know I must move on but at 38 w/2 kids it feels hopeless to find that person who will be the one. Our relationship had so many highs and lows it just doesn't make sense that I still have this feeling that I want her in my life...I don't know if it's that she was so attractive/good in bed or what? She was obviously selfish and no-nuturing as she didn't get kids come 1st...why do I still feel this way??? I need more advise as I feel I'm losing my mind hoping for her cal or to come back.

[april]

ya know this post had me going for a minute, i thought you were talking about me! seriously ! i am just like your ex girlfriend and i'll tell you from my perspective you are much better off without her until she "opens" her eyes and see that she has a major insecurity problem. i do the exact same thing to my b'f all the time. his job involves him with females alot, mostly on the phone, but when i'd hear him talking with one and laughing, i'd drill him to death about "what was so funny" who was that? have you met her? what does she look like? is she attractive? are you interested in her? on and on until one day he exploded and nearly left me. it wasn't until then that i had my "opening" as to what a bad problem i had and it was bigger then me. i had to seek counseling. it has helped but not until i realized the damage i was doing to this seemingly innocent man i was so in love with. until your ex finds out that her problem causes alot of problems between you and your kids and you and her and her and your kids she wont change. find someone more secure in them self, who can trust you and be apart of your life with your kids. they are out there. forget about the looks, the sex, that is all trivial, what is underneath and inside is more important. maybe she was a great person aside from that, but not what you need, another kid to take care of.

Two years after a divorce I found what I thought was my soulmate. She was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen/been with and I have always dated pretty women but this one had super model looks with a playboy body. We dated for one year and talked marriage. Our problems arose out of the fact that I had 2 kids from my ex and she had never been married or had any children. As time went on it became an issue for her to know everytime I spoke with my ex and why I had to have conversation with her. The only conversation we ever had was regarding the kids. I felt very strongly about showing my children that even though their mom & dad didn't work out they could still remain friendly...things will end in your life but you don't have to hate as my now ex-girlfriend wanted me too. As I stated in an earlier post we finally broke up after my son's birthday turned into a day about her problems just 2 days before we were to go to Hawaii. I cancelled the trip as I saw no reason to spend 10 days arguing even though I knew it would probably end our realtionship...which it did. The amazing thing to me was she actually went by herself and then stayed 5 extra days as either a freind met her or she hooked up while on the trip. I actaully had paid for the the 10 day vacation package so the fool I am I was screwed either way but as I said I felt our problems had gone to far. When she returned she emailed my relatives for me to pick up my luggage while she was at work. I regert not going and probably would have gone if it felt like she really wanted me to go but this trip was about her obviously. I tried contacting her to either get some closure or worse yet reconcile to no avail...she didn't return an email, letter or phone call and actually hung up on me the one time I got thru. It has since been 2 weeks since I tried to contact her so I've wised up and gotten the message she put more importance on a committment to a vaction then love for a person or a future. We all make mistakes but I did everything for this woman by turning my life upsides down with my kids schedule to be with her..I helped her financially and gave her my heart. I know I must move on but at 38 w/2 kids it feels hopeless to find that person who will be the one. Our relationship had so many highs and lows it just doesn't make sense that I still have this feeling that I want her in my life...I don't know if it's that she was so attractive/good in bed or what? She was obviously selfish and no-nuturing as she didn't get kids come 1st...why do I still feel this way??? I need more advise as I feel I'm losing my mind hoping for her cal or to come back.

[Tony T]

In your post, you wrote: "...since I tried to contact her so I've wised up and gotten the message she put more importance on a committment to a vaction then love for a person or a future."

 

You hit the mark spot on (as they say in England). This lady is totally committed to herself and nobody else. You may have been very much in love with her and that was the problem. Had you not been, you would have clearly seen she was a very selfish, self-centered lady. Now, you didn't post too many details so I don't know how nasty the arguments got but it looks like you bent over backwards to burden her the least with your children. However, this would have never worked out because had you married her she would have always felt put out by your attention to your children.

 

You might note that many (not all, so don't freak out ladies) really attractive women are used to having their way with men. They also know they don't need to tolerate elements of a relationship they may find unpalitable. However, it seems you gravitate to these beauty queens...nothing wrong with that. I honestly and truly don't really mean to generalize here, but for the sake of conversation I would like to make the personal assertion that the likelihood of your finding a very beautiful, attractive lady that will take to your children with ease is not good. They just have too many other alternatives.

 

You wonder why you feel the way you do. So do I. Based on your post, I would hold a party and invite your entire block over for food and refreshments to celebrate this woman getting out of your life. There are some things you may miss. If a deadly snake appeared in my back yard every afternoon for months and suddenly vanished, I would miss it a bit.

 

While you are celebrating, take notes on your dating choices. If you are going to continue to seek the sexpots, be sure you understand right off the bat that odds are less than fifty percent she'll want to be a step mom. Again, that's my opinion based on gut feeling, not a survey, but my gut is seldom wrong.

[Depressed]

Thanks Tony as usual you have offered good advise. I think I'm addicted to this girl cause of her looks but when I get over this and find another I'm sure I will realize I should have gotten out awhile back. I actaully broke it off 6 months ago and let her back in...she changed for awhile but her episodes of posessiveness and jealousy always returned. She told me that when we had the kids it would be their time but it always turned into she felt as an outsider cause I was giving my kids attention. She even asked me one time why I hugged my daughter when she was upset and didn't do the same for her. I'm a good looking guy who is just a nice person that happens to think children especially from a divorce are a priority why she couldn't she accept,support and realize she had a good one is beyond me. I would have done anything for her but had to make the kids a priority. She evn went as far as to make a schedule for my child custody mediation to fit her schedule and never once did she come to see me coach my son's ballgames for fear she would have to sit alone while my ex-wife sat w/my daughter. Why couldn't she just be an adult and be friendly I was obviuosly committed to her by letting my kids get close. I do regert not going on the trip cause in my delusional way of thinking maybe the 10 days would have done us good and then she would have understood and tried to work the situation out. I don't know what I'm holding onto cause she won't ever call as witnessed by her hangups...maybe that's why..Love sure is messed up isn't it? Anyways I've prayed on this matter and now am putting it in God's hands but some starnge way I want her again...is this normal?

In your post, you wrote: "...since I tried to contact her so I've wised up and gotten the message she put more importance on a committment to a vaction then love for a person or a future."

 

You hit the mark spot on (as they say in England). This lady is totally committed to herself and nobody else. You may have been very much in love with her and that was the problem. Had you not been, you would have clearly seen she was a very selfish, self-centered lady. Now, you didn't post too many details so I don't know how nasty the arguments got but it looks like you bent over backwards to burden her the least with your children. However, this would have never worked out because had you married her she would have always felt put out by your attention to your children. You might note that many (not all, so don't freak out ladies) really attractive women are used to having their way with men. They also know they don't need to tolerate elements of a relationship they may find unpalitable. However, it seems you gravitate to these beauty queens...nothing wrong with that. I honestly and truly don't really mean to generalize here, but for the sake of conversation I would like to make the personal assertion that the likelihood of your finding a very beautiful, attractive lady that will take to your children with ease is not good. They just have too many other alternatives. You wonder why you feel the way you do. So do I. Based on your post, I would hold a party and invite your entire block over for food and refreshments to celebrate this woman getting out of your life. There are some things you may miss. If a deadly snake appeared in my back yard every afternoon for months and suddenly vanished, I would miss it a bit. While you are celebrating, take notes on your dating choices. If you are going to continue to seek the sexpots, be sure you understand right off the bat that odds are less than fifty percent she'll want to be a step mom. Again, that's my opinion based on gut feeling, not a survey, but my gut is seldom wrong.

[Depressed]

Just wanted u to know I appreciate your advise...read my above response and tell me what u think..Thanks again for your honesty and insight.

Thanks Tony as usual you have offered good advise. I think I'm addicted to this girl cause of her looks but when I get over this and find another I'm sure I will realize I should have gotten out awhile back. I actaully broke it off 6 months ago and let her back in...she changed for awhile but her episodes of posessiveness and jealousy always returned. She told me that when we had the kids it would be their time but it always turned into she felt as an outsider cause I was giving my kids attention. She even asked me one time why I hugged my daughter when she was upset and didn't do the same for her. I'm a good looking guy who is just a nice person that happens to think children especially from a divorce are a priority why she couldn't she accept,support and realize she had a good one is beyond me. I would have done anything for her but had to make the kids a priority. She evn went as far as to make a schedule for my child custody mediation to fit her schedule and never once did she come to see me coach my son's ballgames for fear she would have to sit alone while my ex-wife sat w/my daughter. Why couldn't she just be an adult and be friendly I was obviuosly committed to her by letting my kids get close. I do regert not going on the trip cause in my delusional way of thinking maybe the 10 days would have done us good and then she would have understood and tried to work the situation out. I don't know what I'm holding onto cause she won't ever call as witnessed by her hangups...maybe that's why..Love sure is messed up isn't it? Anyways I've prayed on this matter and now am putting it in God's hands but some starnge way I want her again...is this normal?

 

[Tony T]

I think putting matters is God's hands is a good idea. Some would say that's where matters are mostly anyway.

 

I don't want to repeat my earlier post but you were obviously really attracted to the physical aspects of this lady and I'm sure she had some nice aspects to her personality. But invariably, when a person's heinous selfishness and selfcenteredness rears its ugly head in a relationship, it can make the most beautiful person in the world suddenly become the ugliest.

 

There is no doubt you like beauty but I hope in the future you will look for it inside your ladies first. Physical attraction is very important but I will take a plain Jane kind and sweet lady every minute of the hour before I would hold onto the most beautiful woman in the world who happened to be a selfish bxtch.

 

I also want to commend you for putting your children first in all matters. That is extremely important and ANY ANY ANY ANY ANY ANY ANY ANY ANY ANY decent lady would admire and respect you for that and easily adapt her life with you to your obligations to tend to your children's needs.

 

Now, will you stop letting some lame excuse for a xxxx get you down and depressed. Just forget her and don't you even dare entertain getting back with her. She is the devil in disguise.

[Depressed]

Thanks again...I'm glad your back giving advise...you can't imagine how much you help people...your a good soul...don't leave again...people need words of wisdom when they feel hopeless and alone!!!

I think putting matters is God's hands is a good idea. Some would say that's where matters are mostly anyway. I don't want to repeat my earlier post but you were obviously really attracted to the physical aspects of this lady and I'm sure she had some nice aspects to her personality. But invariably, when a person's heinous selfishness and selfcenteredness rears its ugly head in a relationship, it can make the most beautiful person in the world suddenly become the ugliest. There is no doubt you like beauty but I hope in the future you will look for it inside your ladies first. Physical attraction is very important but I will take a plain Jane kind and sweet lady every minute of the hour before I would hold onto the most beautiful woman in the world who happened to be a selfish bxtch. I also want to commend you for putting your children first in all matters. That is extremely important and ANY ANY ANY ANY ANY ANY ANY ANY ANY ANY decent lady would admire and respect you for that and easily adapt her life with you to your obligations to tend to your children's needs.

 

Now, will you stop letting some lame excuse for a xxxx get you down and depressed. Just forget her and don't you even dare entertain getting back with her. She is the devil in disguise.

[Depressed]

Just wanted to thank you for your response..God Bless.

ya know this post had me going for a minute, i thought you were talking about me! seriously ! i am just like your ex girlfriend and i'll tell you from my perspective you are much better off without her until she "opens" her eyes and see that she has a major insecurity problem. i do the exact same thing to my b'f all the time. his job involves him with females alot, mostly on the phone, but when i'd hear him talking with one and laughing, i'd drill him to death about "what was so funny" who was that? have you met her? what does she look like? is she attractive? are you interested in her? on and on until one day he exploded and nearly left me. it wasn't until then that i had my "opening" as to what a bad problem i had and it was bigger then me. i had to seek counseling. it has helped but not until i realized the damage i was doing to this seemingly innocent man i was so in love with. until your ex finds out that her problem causes alot of problems between you and your kids and you and her and her and your kids she wont change. find someone more secure in them self, who can trust you and be apart of your life with your kids. they are out there. forget about the looks, the sex, that is all trivial, what is underneath and inside is more important. maybe she was a great person aside from that, but not what you need, another kid to take care of.