Tired of Fighting and Missing Him

[thisismystory]

I just had a fight with my boyfriend. I told him I feel taken for granted. In the past, he would always try to make me feel better immediately. He would say sorry for the lack of communication.

 

He's been busy with school lately. He's made new friends. His school sent him on an international trip. Ever since he got back...he changed. He stopped making the effort. I talked to him about it and he said he was bitten by the travel bug. But after that...we got caught up in school work and started talking less and less. I guess he's the kind of person that can shut other people out when it comes to work. I've been trying to be understanding of this. I usually don't mind not talking over a few days because our conversation at the end of the week would be meaningful.

 

Now...he just seems too busy for me. I feel jealous cause he has time for his friends....but too tired to talk to me at the end of the day. I sense our relationship fading. He tells me I think too much =X

 

I don't know what to do. I feel bad for breaking down today...I promised myself I would wait until we see each other (we have 18 days left before I return home for 12 days) to talk things over calmly. I guess I couldn't control my feelings.

 

But I'm also tired of me being like this every month. He's tired of this. I don't want to make it seem like it's never enough. I know there are fundamental differences in the ways we communicate. I'm tired of telling him that. I'm tired of the fighting. I feel like the distance is ruining what would have been dynamic. I don't know if I can carry on with another year of this (possibly more if I don't get into grad school back home).

 

Yet...I don't want to end this because we only have one more year to go. I don't know. I guess I'm just writing this here because...well...it's better than breaking down in front of him again.

Edited May 2, 2010 by thisismystory

[Els]

How long have you two been together, and how long have you been LD?

 

I honestly think that this happens a lot in an LDR... and the main reason probably isn't the person losing interest in you per se, but just... you're living separate lives, and there are just too few things to do together in an LDR. Spending time together and expressing love is so much easier IRL, especially for men. But in an LDR, you can mostly only talk, or play games if both partners like it... otherwise you're pretty much stuck, so usually going out with friends is more fun. This is especially so if you're in an old relationship, which is way past its honeymoon stage.

 

What should you do about it? Frankly, I don't know. I guess the only thing you can ask yourself is if it's worth it to stay like this for a year more in order to be with him at the end of it.

[thisismystory]

Thanks for the reply, Elswyth.

 

We've been together for a year. We were in a proximal relationship for 3 months. Then he studied abroad in Shanghai for 4 months. It was really hard with the 13 hour difference but we managed to survive that.

 

I guess we're now past the honeymoon stage...but we were doing fine until he went to Singapore for a week for a business/school trip. After that...he just seemed too busy and too tired to deal with me. It's like he put me on hold. I don't want to constantly remind him or to get all sad on him. I know at this rate, it'll just make the relationship an obligation.

 

I understand he's busy. I just wish he'd understand my needs too. We only talk once a week. I'm usually fine with that because our conversations would be meaningful at the end of the week. Now...he just stays silent. When I say, "let's do this together when I get back," he replies "mmm...." I don't think I'm asking for much with only once a week conversation...so I think I deserve the attention when we talk.

 

I haven't heard from him since I last told him how I felt. I hope it blows over. If not...then oh wells. I know this relationship is worth fighting for on my end, but if he doesn't want to do this anymore...there is nothing I can do about it.

Edited May 2, 2010 by thisismystory

[Els]

I'm going to have to be brutally honest here; there are two likely possibilities for this.

 

1) He found another love interest there. Only you can know how likely this is, it may not be likely at all, but you might want to consider the possibility.

 

2) Travel and different environments can change people. Their perceptions of things, priorities, etc. Sometimes I think this is what happened to my bf as well, although our 'dark period' was caused by other factors too.

 

How long has it been like this? I'd advise you to just take your mind off it since you'll be seeing him soon - you can make clearer decisions then, so there's not much point ruminating over it now.

[thisismystory]

I don't think he has met someone else. He's not the type of person. He does answer my calls and makes the effort to talk to me. He just seems disinterested because his mind is always on work.

 

I think you're right about the traveling thing. We were completely fine before he went to Singapore. (To answer your question, that was 1.5 months ago). It's like having a glimpse of what's "fun" on the other side of the world and not wanting to return to reality. And after that, work, school, and friends just became more of a priority (as you mentioned).

 

I don't think I took all of this sudden change very well. And it kinda sucks not being there physically to talk it over. Sometimes a hug can just make all things better.

 

But I'm gonna take your advice and not think about it.

[Deeblondie82]

I have some of the same things going on. We were in this honeymoon stage then he stopped. I hear from him less and less and my trip to see him is in 5 days.. our first meeting and I am going to him (Im in Oregon he is in Illinois) so I think you need to talk to him if he wont see that what he is doing is bothering u then I would just let it bee. And either move on or fight till the end...

[IronMaiden]

It's not sounding good. He is doing the 'big fade' here. The reasons are not clear, but for one, he is probably fatiguing of the fights over your feeling taken for granted. No matter how much we wish it were different, we cannot 'cajole' someone into caring more about us.

 

I don't think you can say for sure he didn't meet someone. Many SO are hit blindside by this one, and you noticed a marked difference after the trip. I would not discount that.

[thisismystory]

Haha, some of you mentioned that he might have met someone else. I know that it's always something to factor into the equation but I highly doubt this is the case. And one of the most important things in an LDR (or any relationship, for that matter) is trust. I already freaked out on him. I don't want to jump to more conclusions.

 

I took the past few days to calm down and I feel a lot better. I do think too much. And while he could have done a better job at communicating with me, I think I should have handled it with more poise. I see him soon and will talk to him about it in person. I hope we can settle on an agreement.

 

I appreciate and will take all your advice into consideration.

[Els]

Haha, some of you mentioned that he might have met someone else. I know that it's always something to factor into the equation but I highly doubt this is the case. And one of the most important things in an LDR (or any relationship, for that matter) is trust. I already freaked out on him. I don't want to jump to more conclusions.

I took the past few days to calm down and I feel a lot better. I do think too much. And while he could have done a better job at communicating with me, I think I should have handled it with more poise. I see him soon and will talk to him about it in person. I hope we can settle on an agreement.

 

I appreciate and will take all your advice into consideration.

 

Yes, this is true! You definitely shouldn't be jumping to conclusions based on the guesses of people who don't know him, and that was truly not my intention. If he has so far proven himself to be worthy of it, he certainly deserves all of your trust. However, I simply mentioned it to urge you to look at him objectively, without the rose-tinted glasses - and if you can appraise him in such a manner and find nothing mistrustful about his actions, then all should be good.

[thisismystory]

Yes, this is true! You definitely shouldn't be jumping to conclusions based on the guesses of people who don't know him, and that was truly not my intention. If he has so far proven himself to be worthy of it, he certainly deserves all of your trust. However, I simply mentioned it to urge you to look at him objectively, without the rose-tinted glasses - and if you can appraise him in such a manner and find nothing mistrustful about his actions, then all should be good.

 

Sorry, Elswyth. I wasn't commenting specifically on your post. (And you did mention only I would know the exact situation). Just wanted to update you guys

 

Hope everything is going well on your end too

[Romance]

There are periods of time where i feel like that too.

it's like you've been up with your friends until one AM and you're too tired to talk to me now? you couldnt have sent them home at 11 and talked to me for 30 minutes? thanks.