How do you deal with waiting?

[michelle2010]

I've been in an emotional affair with a MM for over a year. I'm married as well. Just recently, it became physical, and even though he has contacted me to say how much he can't wait to see me, we haven't met in over a week. He told me he was really busy at work... don't know if I believe him.

 

But, we both agreed that this would be NSA, so I'm trying to stay away from "attaching". But it's still so hard to be away from him. Every day, looking at my inbox and hoping he's written. The bad part is that he has replied to my emails very promptly, but not initiated them. I'm trying to come to terms with this, I know it's a bad sign.

 

My question is... in a LTA, there will invariably be times when you can't meet. How do you deal with it? I get anxious and I'm dying to see him again.

[secretlady76]

Judging from what you have written, I don't think there are many 'non-strings' in your feelings. I think you like him more than you are admitting to yourself and if that is the case then the longer this goes on, the more you will feel for him, the more it could get out of hand, the higher you will drop when it all comes crashing round your ears when he or you pulls the rug from under you both. Please take this advice and if you can, try and finish this affair asap before you fall any deeper into it. Sounds boring, but believe me, it is for the best in the long run. Sorry you are feeling the way you do, it's horrible.

[michelle2010]

Thank you for your advice... And yes, I definitely have feelings for him, have had them since the first time I saw him. But we both agree that we are married, have kids under the age of 3 and don't plan on leaving our marriages. I have waited for this man for so long, I want to enjoy him for as long as I can. I know the affair is risky - for us both - but we can't stay apart for too long. I have no intention of breaking it off. I can't even conceive of not having him in my life, even if we can't be together all the time.

[Got it]

We started off with no strings attached but that went to the wayside pretty quickly.

 

Not sure how to tell you about the waiting as MM and I spoke multiple times a day and saw each other about 5 times a week.

 

What you need to do is focus on your life, your interests, and make sure it is fullfilling. Easier said than done.

[delirious]

Pretty soon you will focus entirely on this relationship, to the detriment of everything else in your life. Whereas once you were really happy when you saw him, it will turn into you are not happy UNLESS you see him. If you think you can control your feelings, think again.

[Got it]

Good lord delirious, that is utterly depressing. Balance can be kept, it is mind over matter.

[delirious]

Sorry did not mean to be depressing, my husband is packing his bags today.

[bentnotbroken]

Good lord delirious, that is utterly depressing. Balance can be kept, it is mind over matter.

 

 

Her post was on the money. The way to handle the waiting is DON'T.

[Got it]

delirious, I am sorry, I don't know your story but I am very sorry for any pain you are in. (((((delirious))))) take care of you. Please try and do something for you today. Be gentle with yourself, try and get a massage, a hot bath, something. (((((delirious)))))

[Got it]

bent - And I beg to differ. Some times it is within the acceptable range and the good outweighs the bad. But, of course, it is a gamble and one has to accept it may not work out.

[jwi71]

don't know if I believe him.

 

Get used to this. The lack of trust is brutal. This is only the tip of the iceberg.

But, we both agreed that this would be NSA, so I'm trying to stay away from "attaching".

You can't say you've been having an EA, just went PA and its NSA. YOu've already contradicted yourself. Get used to this too - its called "A fog" where logic and reason go out the window.

 

You are simply in the beginning phases. It gets WORSE.

 

(like when you get caught - which WILL happen)

 

But it's still so hard to be away from him. Every day, looking at my inbox and hoping he's written. The bad part is that he has replied to my emails very promptly, but not initiated them. I'm trying to come to terms with this, I know it's a bad sign.

Again...this is par for the course.

 

My question is... in a LTA, there will invariably be times when you can't meet. How do you deal with it? I get anxious and I'm dying to see him again.

You had better find better coping mechanisms. Because, as your A deepens this anxiety and apprehension gets worse and more noticeable. To everyone. Just wait until your H gets a sense that something is amiss and begins to "get in the way"....the stress will go through the roof.

 

But we both agree that we are married, have kids under the age of 3 and don't plan on leaving our marriages.

 

So why are you doing everything possible TO end your M's?

 

Its akin to saying you don't want to burn your house down whilst dousing the room with gasoline and playing with matches.

 

I have waited for this man for so long, I want to enjoy him for as long as I can. I know the affair is risky - for us both - but we can't stay apart for too long. I have no intention of breaking it off. I can't even conceive of not having him in my life, even if we can't be together all the time.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

Like everything else in this world it will end.

 

What in your life or M was so bad to risk everything you have and know on an A? Just curious.

[bananalaffytaffy]

I have an idea. The next time you get an email from this MM, forward it to your husband and his wife. I'm sure they'll have LOTS of ideas about how you should deal the waiting.

[joey66]

michelle2010 - I agree with the others that ending it now is the best, least painful option. We all know the things you are supposed to do to deal with the pain - focus on our own lives, focus on work, find a hobby, go to the gym, etc. The problem is that those things are easy to say and hard to do.

 

I also understand (boy do I understand) that it can be nearly impossible. The thought of ending the A seems worse than anything else that could happen.

 

You have to decide whether you are going to continue down this road or actively try to end it. If you continue, the highs will get higher and the lows will get lower. (It's called a rollercoaster for a reason.) And it's not just you and him who are involved. The lives of both spouses and the children will be affected. If you get caught, all those people will experience massive pain and disruption of their lives. And none of them asked for it.

 

That said, you may still choose to continue. I did. So did many of the others here. (That's why they know what of they speak.) I wish you the best either way and I hope you feel better soon.

 

{{{michelle2010}}}

[lilagirl]

I've been in an emotional affair with a MM for over a year. I'm married as well. Just recently, it became physical, and even though he has contacted me to say how much he can't wait to see me, we haven't met in over a week. He told me he was really busy at work... don't know if I believe him.

 

But, we both agreed that this would be NSA, so I'm trying to stay away from "attaching". But it's still so hard to be away from him. Every day, looking at my inbox and hoping he's written. The bad part is that he has replied to my emails very promptly, but not initiated them. I'm trying to come to terms with this, I know it's a bad sign.

 

My question is... in a LTA, there will invariably be times when you can't meet. How do you deal with it? I get anxious and I'm dying to see him again.

 

 

My assumption is that he is feeling guilty... When most As start... you set your boundaries... and with each step, you slowly break them. He will most likely back off for a bit, and then need you again, the next time he fights with his w, or feels lonely...

 

Allot of OWs don`t deal with waiting well. Even when I was still with my STBxH, i coulnd`t wait well... Even now, my life has changed... I go through the motions of life, while waiting for my phone to ring.

 

The only way you are going to be able to make it work as a LTA is to LIVE your life when you don`t have contact with him. You cannot wait, and you need to give him his space

[bentnotbroken]

bent - And I beg to differ. Some times it is within the acceptable range and the good outweighs the bad. But, of course, it is a gamble and one has to accept it may not work out.

 

 

Differ all you need to. I stand by my post. Differences are what makes the world interesting.

[michelle2010]

Joey - I have already decided to continue. There is no doubt in my mind that I want him. I'm not leaving him. I will always wait for him, it doesn't matter how long it takes. Even if he neever has feelings for me the way I do for him, I already have someone in my life who loves me. I SHOULD feel like a horrible person, but I have been begging my husband for change for years. Nothing. I'm at the end of my rope and have decided to live my own life. But I have a 1-year-old and leaving is simply not an option. I understand that I will draw a lot of criticism (even though I was under the impression that this was an affair support forum), but it is what it is. I make no apologies. Thank you for your kind words.

 

Lilagirl - Thank you! I know that it will probably take a fight or something like that... But if he's feeling guilty, I actually don't mind. What worries me is if he has yet another mistress! That would upset me (I know, it sounds twisted.). I've decided to take everything as it comes. He needs his space. I'll give it to him. I've made it very clear that I will always be ready for him whenever he is, without hesitation. I shouldn't have, but it was the truth. Thanks again.

[bananalaffytaffy]

Joey - I have already decided to continue. There is no doubt in my mind that I want him. I'm not leaving him. I will always wait for him, it doesn't matter how long it takes. Even if he neever has feelings for me the way I do for him, I already have someone in my life who loves me. I SHOULD feel like a horrible person, but I have been begging my husband for change for years. Nothing. I'm at the end of my rope and have decided to live my own life. But I have a 1-year-old and leaving is simply not an option. I understand that I will draw a lot of criticism (even though I was under the impression that this was an affair support forum), but it is what it is. I make no apologies. Thank you for your kind words.

 

Lilagirl - Thank you! I know that it will probably take a fight or something like that... But if he's feeling guilty, I actually don't mind. What worries me is if he has yet another mistress! That would upset me (I know, it sounds twisted.). I've decided to take everything as it comes. He needs his space. I'll give it to him. I've made it very clear that I will always be ready for him whenever he is, without hesitation. I shouldn't have, but it was the truth. Thanks again.

Well, then you'll deserve all the fallout you get when you two get caught. I hope his wife isn't the violent type and all the pleasure you get is worth all the pain you're causing others. But I guess you're too busy thinking about that next orgasm to care about anyone else but yourself.

[jj33]

I can only echo the other posters. Why are you doing this to yourself.

 

If a single guy said he wanted NSA and you were really into him would you say uh OK sure whatever you want.

 

You didnt "both agree". He said this will be no strings attached and you because you already HAVE feelings for him said uhh OK.

 

So you have set yourself up for hurt by putting yourself in a situation that will never fulfil your needs. Welcome to the world of unrequited love (but you are sleeping with him and sharing private moments so you can give your fantasies fuel by saying he will feel the same way things will change).

 

And he has a perfect out - But WE agreed that this would be NSA.

 

Put on your big girl pants and stand up for yourself. Value your own feelings above wanting to be his fantasy.

 

Tell him that actually NSA doesnt work for you.

 

There is no other alternative but self inflicted pain.

 

Edited to add: Yes you agreed to other OWs too - you really need to take a step back and tell him NO. This is not on balance what I want for myself. It isnt and convincing yourself that there is noone else for you but him is not going to make it better.

 

I know this isnt what you want to hear. Everyone wants to believe their situatoin is different but if you agreed to NSA you have got it wrong from day 1.

Edited May 2, 2010 by jj33

[michelle2010]

No, that's not what happened. I'm the one who said it would only be about sex. I'm the one who brought up our families. We both have kids under the age of 3 - I have one, he has two... Leaving our spouses is not an option. After we had sex for the first time, this came up, which surprised me because it was so soon. And he was acting all sad that our relationship couldn't be more. Because we're SO compatible in bed, it's unbelievable. I just gave up trying to guard my feelings a while ago, because I'm in love with him.

 

But my feelings don't matter. We have families. Hence the NSA sex. To quote him (and I do agree) "It's the only way...".

[bentnotbroken]

Joey - I have already decided to continue. There is no doubt in my mind that I want him. I'm not leaving him. I will always wait for him, it doesn't matter how long it takes. Even if he neever has feelings for me the way I do for him, I already have someone in my life who loves me. I SHOULD feel like a horrible person, but I have been begging my husband for change for years. Nothing. I'm at the end of my rope and have decided to live my own life. But I have a 1-year-old and leaving is simply not an option. I understand that I will draw a lot of criticism (even though I was under the impression that this was an affair support forum), but it is what it is. I make no apologies. Thank you for your kind words.

 

Lilagirl - Thank you! I know that it will probably take a fight or something like that... But if he's feeling guilty, I actually don't mind. What worries me is if he has yet another mistress! That would upset me (I know, it sounds twisted.). I've decided to take everything as it comes. He needs his space. I'll give it to him. I've made it very clear that I will always be ready for him whenever he is, without hesitation. I shouldn't have, but it was the truth. Thanks again.

 

 

So how would you deal with the situation if your 1 year old was on the receiving end of what you are giving your H and his W. What would your advice be? Suck it up the AP deserves to be happy at your expense. Or would you tell them to walk away from their marriage and let the AP do what is best for them? I know how much I love my children. I assume your love probably is as strong as mine. So how would you handle watching your child hurt and suffer from the actions of a cheating spouse and AP?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I was in similar situations, but on his side of things - I would set up NSA things, and as soon as it became on obligation or started to edge in on my status quo I'd back out slowly (as to not piss them off and have them try some sort of revenge - usually I'd do the 'guilt is getting to me' thing) and eventually cut them off. Then I'd find someone more compliant to what I needed: that is, NSA sex.

 

He may have another OW, he may not - but it is a pretty clear indication from the "I'm busy" blow off that he is not comfortable with the signals you are throwing out. It is partly because he is married and intends to stay that way, but honestly - any man married or not who says "I want NSA FWB sex" and finds himself with someone who can't play by the rules will either become very impersonal (wipe off and leave immediately and limit contact outside of that) if the sex is especially good, or will find that the risk of emotional entanglement just isn't worth it and will walk away.

[michelle2010]

Lucrezia - That was a brilliant post. Exactly what I've been wondering about.

 

So how do I play this?? Just wait for him to contact me? And when he does, should I play hard to get and take a couple of days to respond? I think I've made it pretty clear to him how I feel and may have scared him. My only hope is that my lack of contact will show that I'm not that into it (which I am, but I really don't want to scare him away).

 

On my side, it's not NSA sex anymore, emotionally speaking. But that's all it can ever really be because of our circumstances. I just want him in my life, that's all.

 

Our last contact was on Thursday and he had just told me how he really couldn't wait to see me. That's how we left it. I'm NOT going to contact him again.

[joey66]

Joey - I have already decided to continue. There is no doubt in my mind that I want him. I'm not leaving him. I will always wait for him, it doesn't matter how long it takes. Even if he neever has feelings for me the way I do for him, I already have someone in my life who loves me. I SHOULD feel like a horrible person, but I have been begging my husband for change for years. Nothing. I'm at the end of my rope and have decided to live my own life. But I have a 1-year-old and leaving is simply not an option. I understand that I will draw a lot of criticism (even though I was under the impression that this was an affair support forum), but it is what it is. I make no apologies. Thank you for your kind words.

 

Lilagirl - Thank you! I know that it will probably take a fight or something like that... But if he's feeling guilty, I actually don't mind. What worries me is if he has yet another mistress! That would upset me (I know, it sounds twisted.). I've decided to take everything as it comes. He needs his space. I'll give it to him. I've made it very clear that I will always be ready for him whenever he is, without hesitation. I shouldn't have, but it was the truth. Thanks again.

 

 

You won't draw criticism from me. I know exactly how you feel. However, most A veterans (I think) will agree that the best choice is to avoid an A if possible. Nobody ever follows that advice, but there you go.

 

Good luck. I have found that the best thing for the pain is to come here and post. It helps to connect with others who understand and can empathize. And even the criticism can be helpful.

 

I love, love, love the part about making no apologies!!!

[Just a stone's throw]

Michelle, I was in your same shoes though I don't have kids and exMM had 2 but older. We both had agreed neither of us were leaving our marriages and were interested in a FWB situation (which followed a PA where I beleive we both found ourselves getting a little too connected). That is what we negotiated but I did have an emotional attachment to him. I felt exactly for him as you have described and see so much truth in what Lucrezia has mapped out as to what the MM took that as indicating and I see his actions now (after a few months of trying to figure it out) as fitting into her description.

 

I think the best thing for you at this point is to be honest with your MM and let him know that you need to renegotiate your terms. You can still be NSA but he needs to know that it's not for lack of being in love with him. I'm not sure that's actually NSA when you think about it but if you both agree to the terms then perhaps you can continue on that basis.

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

JAST

[secretlady76]

No, that's not what happened. I'm the one who said it would only be about sex. I'm the one who brought up our families. We both have kids under the age of 3 - I have one, he has two... Leaving our spouses is not an option. After we had sex for the first time, this came up, which surprised me because it was so soon. And he was acting all sad that our relationship couldn't be more. Because we're SO compatible in bed, it's unbelievable. I just gave up trying to guard my feelings a while ago, because I'm in love with him.

 

But my feelings don't matter. We have families. Hence the NSA sex. To quote him (and I do agree) "It's the only way...".

 

But it is not just about sex is it?! Ok, you're compatible but that is not a good basis for a long term relationship. As it is you haven't seen him for a week let alone heard from him (apart from you sending him emails which he has replied to), that doesn't sit well with me I'm afraid. Ok, even if he doesn't have the feelings for you that you do for him that's ok, because you have a husband who loves you........well, I don't think he will think much of you once he knows what you're getting up to (and trust me, he will find out eventually), despite your attempts to improve your marriage....you won't improve it by jumping into bed with someone else. You have a child which means you cannot leave. I am afraid that is the worst reason to stay in a marriage.

 

Look, I think you're in the affair fog at the moment and you probably think we're all out to get you but we're not. Many of us are married with children and have fallen into an A and we know what we're talking about. You will do whatever is right for you and we will all support you whatever but do understand that we aren't saying all this to be nasty, we're saying it because a lot of us have been there!!!! Good luck!