How do you deal with waiting?

[michelle2010]

LOL, I know... It was a bad, bad thing to do... But I wanted to know if he'd be a player about it or not. For the first time, I was happy NOT to get a reply!

[jwi71]

I understand the warnings about a full-blown affair; truly, I do. I understand especially the part about not feeling whole unless you are with that person. My point is that I already feel that way now. I was warned about this (another forum, weeks ago). If I had sex with him, and it was good, I'd never feel whole again, and my marriage would never be the same. That's exactly what has happened. I was also warned that he might back out if his feelings became too strong.

 

(It seems to be fairly obvious to everyone who knows the whole story that he was emotionally involved, even though I still have a problem believing that. Maybe it's because I always GO with my feelings, I have a hard time understanding people who just control them like that, and prefer to suffer instead of living them.) So having the affair, in my mind, cannot possibly make my situation worse. I already miss him, want him, etc. The only difference is that I'd have him (and might get caught, I know...).

 

But this is all kind of pointless right now, I don't even know if he still thinks about me.

 

I did something bad, though. I tested him. It's very immature, but I put up a "test" profile on FB with a picture of a really attractive - but normal enough - girl, and tried to friend him with a note that we had met at a work thing. I know for a fact that in the past, he had friended girls like that. This time, nothing. Not even a reply to ask who exactly was she?? We used to be FB friends (not anymore, I removed him when the affair started), so I know how it used to be.

 

I tried to friend him twice. Nothing. This tells me that he's trying to be faithful, or he, in the past, definitely would have accepted it. So maybe it is true that he feels guilty. And that makes me feel so good. Because guilt, as everyone has pointed out, comes and goes...

 

And I don't have illusions that my affair would be different. It would "end" in heartbreak. A relationship outside of the sneaking around and great sex probably couldn't sustain itself. And that's probably without counting the trust issues. I do have a very good successful affair story. My in-laws were the product of an affair and have been married for 25 years, and happy... My husband was not happy as a little boy, when their parents divorced, but their relationship did turn into a successful marriage. I do know that their case is the exception and not the rule.

 

No fantasies about a happy ending here. I wouldn't want an ending at all.

 

BBM

Are you STILL sneaking around?

Why?

You already said your H knew...so just invite the MOM over for some fun between the sheets.

[michelle2010]

No... As the rest of the thread shows, I decided to go NC a couple of days ago. I said that because sneaking around and having great sex is usually what happens in an affair.

[jwi71]

No... As the rest of the thread shows, I decided to go NC a couple of days ago. I said that because sneaking around and having great sex is usually what happens in an affair.

 

You went NC by sending him fake FB requests?

I trust you see my point.

[michelle2010]

I don't think that counts... It wasn't me. Plus, NC is only going to last 9 weeks or so, I'll be seeing him then. I've been looking at this as a period to "reflect". Not that I plan on changing my mind about what I want with him. I couldn't even if I wanted to.

[califnan]

Your HUSBAND has afforded you to be able to be a stay-at-home mom .. Thus being bored, spoiled - and to be Able to drift into fantasyland...

 

Michelle, Do yourself a favor - if you cannot busy yourself better - then I advise you to watch soap operas rather than drift into your marriage destruction.

 

All baby steps leading into a full physical affair, are there for a reason - and as warnings.. to not go any further.

[michelle2010]

I see your point... But that's not really our case. I've had my own income since I was 19, from a business my parents gave me. My husband doesn't "support" me by himself. I support myself. I'm just more blessed than most people because I don't need a 9 to 5 job to do it.

 

And this has nothing to do with my free time. As I've pointed out countless times, this whole thing started when I had a full-time job... and it hasn't ended even though I don't see him every day anymore.

[donnamaybe]

Please don't be deluded into thinking he has any kind of feelings for you that go any further than his genitals. If he did, he wouldn't relegate you to being his side piece. He made it perfectly clear that this is the only position you will ever hold in his life.

 

You are wasting your time and focusing energy on this MM when it should be focused on fixing your marriage. Absent that, get a divorce and allow your poor husband to move on.

[michelle2010]

All valid points... but I also made it clear to him that he could only be my side piece too... We're very similar when it comes to this. The problem seems to be that even side piece action isn't happening, and that's what I wish would change. Don't know if it will, but I won't lie and say that I don't want it. I wish I could be like most people and get scared. I don't have one drop of fear in me, unfortunately.

 

As I've mentioned, maybe I'll change my mind in the next few weeks. The whole thing is very recent. But if you go back to the first few pages of this thread, I went into detail about why there's nothing to work on in terms of my marriage. Thank you for input, though.

 

I'll keep reading these threads and learning about affair patterns and something might click someday, I don't know... I've been back and forth about what I want from this, as I have the right to do and I think that's understandable... he an I have been doing this for MORE than a year and a half now, but maybe it's over for good. We'll see.

[jwi71]

I don't think that counts... It wasn't me. Plus, NC is only going to last 9 weeks or so, I'll be seeing him then. I've been looking at this as a period to "reflect". Not that I plan on changing my mind about what I want with him. I couldn't even if I wanted to.

 

Then what's the point of this thread again?

 

How to deal with the waiting? Sit by the phone and wait.

 

He's proved time and again he'll call when he wants to see you. Until then, play scrabble.

[donnamaybe]

All valid points... but I also made it clear to him that he could only be my side piece too...

 

Then why do you care whether he has "feelings for you" or not as you have queried in this thread? I think you think he will come to care for you if you keep having sex with him. He won't. You will simply solidify your status.

[michelle2010]

Maybe not... maybe he doesn't have feelings, and he never will. I know I do. And my status in his life - and vice versa - can never be changed. We both agreed to that from the start... Of course I would like him to have feelings for me. But that's as far as it could ever go. No great love story , I'm leaving my spouse for you fantasies here, as I mentioned recently...

[donnamaybe]

maybe he doesn't have feelings, and he never will. I know I do... Of course I would like him to have feelings for me.

 

THIS is going to be a bigger and bigger problem for you over time. How can you fail to see that? You have feelings for him and wish he had feelings for you. You just said it. You will feel worse and worse the longer you drag this out hoping for more and never getting it.

 

I just don't understand why anyone would put themselves through this, knowing it's going to go nowhere.

[califnan]

Michelle, These affairs with one or both participants being unavailable: Are that of people wanting More - and with refusal to handle or fulfill what is going on in their own life -

 

The OM should be left behind, and all attention should be given to your life and marriage.

[jthorne]

THIS is going to be a bigger and bigger problem for you over time. How can you fail to see that? You have feelings for him and wish he had feelings for you. You just said it. You will feel worse and worse the longer you drag this out hoping for more and never getting it.

 

I just don't understand why anyone would put themselves through this, knowing it's going to go nowhere.

This is what I think Michelle isn't seeing. I think she thinks that if she loves him, and he loves her, the love they share will be enough. Especially since they are both married, the love would have to be enough.

 

Great in theory, but pure hell in practice. It just doesn't work that way.

[donnamaybe]

This is what I think Michelle isn't seeing. I think she thinks that if she loves him, and he loves her, the love they share will be enough. Especially since they are both married, the love would have to be enough.

 

Great in theory, but pure hell in practice. It just doesn't work that way.

 

"Loving" her and having sex with her are two completely different things. I think he loves to have sex with her. While that's all well and good, he could also love to have sex with someone else and not love that person either.

 

I think she loves him and hopes if she sticks with this long enough, he will come to love her. But, IMO, that isn't going to happen.

[michelle2010]

jthorne - You nailed it. That's exactly what I think. Practicality has never been my strong suit, and my lack of experience doesn't help. I think I have a type of tunnel vision when it comes to him, so I can't see anything else. I know all about the consequences, but they're not nearly as important as he is.

 

It's probably for the best if he never does love me, at least he wouldn't suffer what I'm suffering. But even just having sex with him would make it all worthwhile. You guys have no idea how hard it is to be away from him right now... Or maybe you do.

[jthorne]

Yep.

And respectfully, I think you are fooling yourself.

Like I said, great in theory, pure hell in practice.

Sex once won't be enough. Was it enough last time? Nope. You want more, right?

First it will be you will be okay with seeing him once a month. Then once every two weeks. Then once a week. See where I'm going with this?

It will consume you. You're not even seeing him right now and it is.

[jwi71]

Yep.

And respectfully, I think you are fooling yourself.

Like I said, great in theory, pure hell in practice.

Sex once won't be enough. Was it enough last time? Nope. You want more, right?

First it will be you will be okay with seeing him once a month. Then once every two weeks. Then once a week. See where I'm going with this?

It will consume you. You're not even seeing him right now and it is.

 

BBM.

 

No, michelle2010 is in complete control of her faculties.

Its perfectly normal for a MW to have a NSA PA with a MOM and to test his fidelity to her (the OW) with bogus FB messages.

[MorningCoffee]

Yep.

And respectfully, I think you are fooling yourself.

Like I said, great in theory, pure hell in practice.

Sex once won't be enough. Was it enough last time? Nope. You want more, right?

First it will be you will be okay with seeing him once a month. Then once every two weeks. Then once a week. See where I'm going with this?

It will consume you. You're not even seeing him right now and it is.

 

Yup. That's how it goes. And the more you want, the more you find yourself feeling that what you DO have is less and less. Not just regarding sex, but as to all of your AP.

[jthorne]

So sorry for the tj, but what does BBM mean?

BTW, jwi, I've very much enjoyed reading your posts today.

[fooled once]

Does anyone else get the complete self entitlement that is resonating from the OP's posts?

 

How she has all this (and if you consider being a SAHM all that, which I don't), having a supposed business handed to her by mommy and daddy, having a devoted husband who she has mocked by telling him of the affair, yada yada yada...

 

And I for one don't believe for a second this MM has any true feelings for her. She, on the other hands, has fallen for a fantasy.

 

She thinks he is all that and a bag of chips, she thinks she is all that and a bag of chips, she has zero remorse, has a huge ego and loves the game she is playing.

 

When her H dumps her, when he takes custody of the kids, when her world falls apart...maybe then she will grow up and realize life isn't about screwing over people. Those are usually the ones who fall the hardest when they maliciously hurt others .... and all because, in their own words "I can't stop" or "I can't control myself".

 

Funny enough, drivers on the road piss me off all the time and I can control myself from ramming them with my car. My boss pisses me off and I can control myself from telling him to "F" off.

 

The juvenile mentality and irresponsible behavior I personally find pathetic and sad. Part of the ME ME ME generation.

 

No way do I believe the OP would ever be happy with a NSA affair. She wants it all - she wants to be all he wants and yet, he is at home, happy with his wife, or even finding himself a more mature, less needy/clingy OW to spend his time with.

[jthorne]

Yes, FO. But shaming her so far has not worked. She's in too far over her head. Like I said, will probably have to find out for herself.

[michelle2010]

You guys are so right.

 

Shame? I have absolutely no shame over this. As I've mentioned, I haven't felt any guilt. I totally expected the opposite, though.

 

I am, however, the most spoiled person I know. I'm also immature. I have been learning, slowly, how to handle things and haven't always done what others would consider to be right... But, for once, it's not other people that I'm worried about, really. Right now, I'm worried about how to get this going, because I want it, and how to keep myself and the OM protected.

 

I'm sure that hurts other people's sense of justice... that's too bad. But it is what it is. And I don't know how my financial situation became of value in this conversation... I've had a very easy life. I'm SO happy for it. I wish you all the same - it's pretty good. And trust me, sooner or later my marriage ends, I have enough to fall back on. I don't have to worry as much as other people. And I'm a wonderful mother, nobody would ever take my child because I had an affair (add to this that my Dad is a lawyer, I'm pretty well covered.).

 

So, if this upsets people, how some can get away with this kind of life, that's your problem... But I will never apologize for falling in love with someone other than my husband. It's a shame, but it's also the truth and I have every right to pursue it if I choose to. And I do.

 

Maybe it won't turn out the way I want it to, but I can still try. Thank you all for your invaluable analysis of my personality and precious advice!

[bentnotbroken]

You guys are so right.

 

Shame? I have absolutely no shame over this. As I've mentioned, I haven't felt any guilt. I totally expected the opposite, though.

 

I am, however, the most spoiled person I know. I'm also immature. I have been learning, slowly, how to handle things and haven't always done what others would consider to be right... But, for once, it's not other people that I'm worried about, really. Right now, I'm worried about how to get this going, because I want it, and how to keep myself and the OM protected.

 

I'm sure that hurts other people's sense of justice... that's too bad. But it is what it is. And I don't know how my financial situation became of value in this conversation... I've had a very easy life. I'm SO happy for it. I wish you all the same - it's pretty good. And trust me, sooner or later my marriage ends, I have enough to fall back on. I don't have to worry as much as other people. And I'm a wonderful mother, nobody would ever take my child because I had an affair (add to this that my Dad is a lawyer, I'm pretty well covered.).

 

So, if this upsets people, how some can get away with this kind of life, that's your problem... But I will never apologize for falling in love with someone other than my husband. It's a shame, but it's also the truth and I have every right to pursue it if I choose to. And I do.

 

Maybe it won't turn out the way I want it to, but I can still try. Thank you all for your invaluable analysis of my personality and precious advice!

 

 

OMG! and this is the example you want to set for your child?