How do you deal with waiting?

[jthorne]

"sooner or later my marriage ends"- what do you mean by that? When you married your husband, didn't you expect to be with him for the rest of your life?

 

I'm confused.

[Heather1]

I didn't mean to imply I looked like I cow, I was nursing & we just moved & I knew no one. I was totally happy being a wife/mom when the kids were little, no one on my radar at all. Lonely at times, but never a thought in that direction because I was SO busy!!

 

So...since you're going to continue no matter what it sounds like, I'm going to tell you to put your heart in total lock down. No FB spying, no surprise encounters, go about your days & if you hear from him it will just be a pleasant surprise. I ALWAYS let him reach me. After my initial shock of the push me/pull you thing guys do, I cut the drama to a total minimum. I had to put myself in a take it or leave it position. He now knows I can drop him on a dime & totally disconnect (I can't of course, because I've been obsessively posting on here & obviously have not disconnected at all or stopped thinking about him every minute of every day). If you can do that, you'll be ok. The more drama you create, the quicker you'll get dumped.

[michelle2010]

Not really - but my child shouldn't have anything to do with my marital choices. Right now, I choose to stay, he's young. But if I ever decide to leave, which I don't see happening (as I've said before, divorce is not an option right now), it will be dealt with in the healthiest manner possible. If I ever become so miserable in my marriage that divorce does become an option, I wouldn't shy away from it because I have a child. But I'm not there. And my child will have the same opportunities I've had. I want him to be happy, just like I want to be happy. That's all. I really don't see any complications in this.

 

When I got married, I always had the mindset that as soon as I became unhappy, as soon as it stopped working for good, the marriage would end. My husband has fully known this. I believe it was one of the reasons why I only got a slap on the wrist when I told him about the OM and the emails. He knows that I don't depend on him and if he becomes too much trouble, I CAN leave - I just choose not to. I've said this before, we have a very comfortable relationship and a young child. It's a good enough marriage. But he's not the OM. Furthermore, I suppose I could tell him about how far things have gone, but why hurt him more? I have every intention of picking up where we left off at some point, and that won't be possible if my husband knows what has already happened.

 

I understand how much this upsets other people. I would probably get more sympathy if I played the role of the long-suffering, husband-dependent wife who's so upset over her transgression, but I can't lie, I just do NOT feel that way. I wish I could, but it hasn't happened yet. I was the first one to mention my sense of entitlement to this... and it's not right, but it's still there.

[bananalaffytaffy]

You guys are so right.

 

Shame? I have absolutely no shame over this. As I've mentioned, I haven't felt any guilt. I totally expected the opposite, though.

 

I am, however, the most spoiled person I know. I'm also immature. I have been learning, slowly, how to handle things and haven't always done what others would consider to be right... But, for once, it's not other people that I'm worried about, really. Right now, I'm worried about how to get this going, because I want it, and how to keep myself and the OM protected.

 

I'm sure that hurts other people's sense of justice... that's too bad. But it is what it is. And I don't know how my financial situation became of value in this conversation... I've had a very easy life. I'm SO happy for it. I wish you all the same - it's pretty good. And trust me, sooner or later my marriage ends, I have enough to fall back on. I don't have to worry as much as other people. And I'm a wonderful mother, nobody would ever take my child because I had an affair (add to this that my Dad is a lawyer, I'm pretty well covered.).

 

So, if this upsets people, how some can get away with this kind of life, that's your problem... But I will never apologize for falling in love with someone other than my husband. It's a shame, but it's also the truth and I have every right to pursue it if I choose to. And I do.

 

Maybe it won't turn out the way I want it to, but I can still try. Thank you all for your invaluable analysis of my personality and precious advice!

 

so·ci·o·path   [soh-see-uh-path, soh-shee-]

 

–nounPsychiatry.

a person, as a psychopathic personality, whose behavior is antisocial and who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience.

 

nar·cis·sism   [nahr-suh-siz-em]

–noun

1.

inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.

2.

Psychoanalysis. erotic gratification derived from admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes, being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development.

[michelle2010]

Heather - SO great. Thank you. I do need to tone down the drama. I was, as you said, shocked because I didn't know there was that kind of a pattern in affairs. I didn't know there was such a thing as NC and then the guy comes back and they all do... I was really shocked. I think I can become controlled to the point of not showing that I care (but of course, obsessing too...), but it will take work.

 

But time is on my side... We'll see if even my interest lasts that long. Sometimes I get bored with things. It hasn't happened with him yet in 3 years, but you never know...

 

Banana person - I am an admitted narcissist. You get an A! : ) Not sure about the sociopath, though. I'll keep you posted.

[bentnotbroken]

Not really - but my child shouldn't have anything to do with my marital choices. Right now, I choose to stay, he's young. But if I ever decide to leave, which I don't see happening (as I've said before, divorce is not an option right now), it will be dealt with in the healthiest manner possible. If I ever become so miserable in my marriage that divorce does become an option, I wouldn't shy away from it because I have a child. But I'm not there. And my child will have the same opportunities I've had. I want him to be happy, just like I want to be happy. That's all. I really don't see any complications in this.

 

When I got married, I always had the mindset that as soon as I became unhappy, as soon as it stopped working for good, the marriage would end. My husband has fully known this. I believe it was one of the reasons why I only got a slap on the wrist when I told him about the OM and the emails. He knows that I don't depend on him and if he becomes too much trouble, I CAN leave - I just choose not to. I've said this before, we have a very comfortable relationship and a young child. It's a good enough marriage. But he's not the OM. Furthermore, I suppose I could tell him about how far things have gone, but why hurt him more? I have every intention of picking up where we left off at some point, and that won't be possible if my husband knows what has already happened.

 

I understand how much this upsets other people. I would probably get more sympathy if I played the role of the long-suffering, husband-dependent wife who's so upset over her transgression, but I can't lie, I just do NOT feel that way. I wish I could, but it hasn't happened yet. I was the first one to mention my sense of entitlement to this... and it's not right, but it's still there.

 

 

People talk. Kids tend to hear the dirt about their parents even years later. Not saying that makes you a bad parent, but it certainly should lead you toward thinking of that innocent child and any negativity that might be said about you. As much as we all would like to, we can't shield our children from all that would harm them. So why add extra to the job? I am sure there are others here who don't want you to lie to yourself about who you really are. But there are also quite a few who feel if you can be truthful with yourself, then why not the person you married?

[califnan]

You guys are so right.

 

Shame? I have absolutely no shame over this. As I've mentioned, I haven't felt any guilt. I totally expected the opposite, though.

 

I am, however, the most spoiled person I know. I'm also immature. I have been learning, slowly, how to handle things and haven't always done what others would consider to be right... But, for once, it's not other people that I'm worried about, really. Right now, I'm worried about how to get this going, because I want it, and how to keep myself and the OM protected.

 

I'm sure that hurts other people's sense of justice... that's too bad. But it is what it is. And I don't know how my financial situation became of value in this conversation... I've had a very easy life. I'm SO happy for it. I wish you all the same - it's pretty good. And trust me, sooner or later my marriage ends, I have enough to fall back on. I don't have to worry as much as other people. And I'm a wonderful mother, nobody would ever take my child because I had an affair (add to this that my Dad is a lawyer, I'm pretty well covered.).

 

So, if this upsets people, how some can get away with this kind of life, that's your problem... But I will never apologize for falling in love with someone other than my husband. It's a shame, but it's also the truth and I have every right to pursue it if I choose to. And I do.

 

Maybe it won't turn out the way I want it to, but I can still try. Thank you all for your invaluable analysis of my personality and precious advice!

 

----------------

 

Michelle, Your comment is a great example of how you feel that you have all bases covered - but you are not in love with the MM, you are merely living out a fantasy of him .. I think you are in love with your husband - and could loose him ..

 

Go ahead and think upon how you are going to play the MM, to get him to come to you .. but you will just be wasting your life..

[fooled once]

You guys are so right.

 

Shame? I have absolutely no shame over this. As I've mentioned, I haven't felt any guilt. I totally expected the opposite, though.

 

I am, however, the most spoiled person I know. I'm also immature. I have been learning, slowly, how to handle things and haven't always done what others would consider to be right... But, for once, it's not other people that I'm worried about, really. Right now, I'm worried about how to get this going, because I want it, and how to keep myself and the OM protected.

 

I'm sure that hurts other people's sense of justice... that's too bad. But it is what it is. And I don't know how my financial situation became of value in this conversation... I've had a very easy life. I'm SO happy for it. I wish you all the same - it's pretty good. And trust me, sooner or later my marriage ends, I have enough to fall back on. I don't have to worry as much as other people. And I'm a wonderful mother, nobody would ever take my child because I had an affair (add to this that my Dad is a lawyer, I'm pretty well covered.).

 

So, if this upsets people, how some can get away with this kind of life, that's your problem... But I will never apologize for falling in love with someone other than my husband. It's a shame, but it's also the truth and I have every right to pursue it if I choose to. And I do.

 

Maybe it won't turn out the way I want it to, but I can still try. Thank you all for your invaluable analysis of my personality and precious advice!

 

Something is keeping you in that marriage and it isn't the 'love' for your H, it isn't respect for your H, it isn't respect for the father of your child.

 

I think it is because he may be the 'best' you could get. I think you know that the OM doesn't want you fulltime, I mean, he has made no move to leave his wife, correct? So he has chosen his wife and that pisses you off so badly, in my guess.

 

But, it isn't my life (thank goodness) and I have a feeling in a year, you will still be in your M, with a different OM and don't be so sure daddy being a lawyer will protect you in a divorce.

 

I understand going after what you want, but right now, that man is married to someone else. Have at least enough respect for HIM to let him figure out his marriage. I wish you had enough respect for the father of your child to be honest and truthful with him about what you are doing. But I would bet he finds out soon enough, exposes you for being a fraud, being an adulterer, being dishonest, being the exact opposite of a role model for your child.

 

I actually feel sorry for you because despite all your proclamations of being so happy, you are actually a very sad, lonely, insecure woman. Maybe you should invest in some counseling so you can be proud of the woman you could be?

[jthorne]

----------------

 

Michelle, Your comment is a great example of how you feel that you have all bases covered - but you are not in love with the MM, you are merely living out a fantasy of him .. I think you are in love with your husband - and could loose him ..

 

Go ahead and think upon how you are going to play the MM, to get him to come to you .. but you will just be wasting your life..

Ohhh... So was the NC letter really not for NC, but to get him to contact you? Well, I guess I've been fooled all along. Ok...

 

If you're determined to do this, why keep the NC? What are you waiting for? Email him and see if he'll meet with you tomorrow. No, wait, I see we're playing games, and you're the one in control... Tell him you require his presence at the time and place of your pleasure, and you'll let him know when his presence is required.

 

The thread is about how to handle the wait, right? Why wait?

 

Hey, if you're determined to do it, stop talking and start doing.

[Heather1]

The key to NC is not to do it to manipulate. I don't know how to explain that one, but every time we've done NC it's been to truly end things for good. I've never done it with an expectation of EVER getting him back. It also helps break the "addiction," which this is. My mind is all over the map w/ his email he sent after 2 months of NC. Honestly though, I feel pretty done w/ all this drama. He doesn't make me feel good anymore & I know what to expect if I dive back in....more of the same. I think I told you, I never expected him to leave his W either.

 

And part of my struggle is more along the lines of his well being. He doesn't seem like he can handle this, he was getting sick all the time. I don't know if that's stress @ home, or stress from us, but I wanted to eliminate something. i do care about & want the best for him, even if it's not with me. I'm from the "love them, set them free" mind set.

 

If you do love him, think of his well-being too (not easy for a N )

[jthorne]

Something just came to me, even though I've suspected it's not really THIS MM.

You said you are admittedly spoiled and used to getting your way. Is part of the appeal of this MM the fact that you can't have him? The fact that he's pulled back makes you want him more? If he was the one doing the chasing, would you be as interested?

 

Are you not so interested in you H because he's a sure thing? He's no longer a challenge?

[michelle2010]

You know, that's the funny thing - I'm NOT pissed off about his wife at all. It actually makes me feel BETTER if he is staying away because of his marriage. I want his marriage to thrive and it hurts me to think that she could ever do anything to hurt him. This is honestly how I feel. I want the best for him in that area. This is because I don't have any intentions of keeping him for myself, I really don't think we would work out as a couple (we're both a little too strong-willed...).

 

And I did send the NC message to stay away. But then I know that NC will end once we see each other in a few weeks. So the message was sent with the right intentions, but now that I know about seeing him, I keep plotting what I'm going to say, how, and what's going to happen. Maybe nothing will... we'll see.

 

And yes, I am spoiled. I've had a journey through my 20s trying to change that. It is VERY difficult. There's a sense of entitlement that comes with everything and I know that real life doesn't work that way. But just as I had parents who spoiled me, so does my husband. He has stepped into the shoes of a parent, so sexual attraction is very difficult for me (I was a Psych major in college, so I'm well aware of subconscious undertones and their effects on relationships). But if he were to change, our marriage would be shaken up. I would have a hard time staying with him if he wasn't the way he is... I need that kind of structure in my life. That's another reason why MM and I couldn't be a couple. He and I are too much alike when it comes to this, I've had the chance to notice.

 

But, as it turns out, the NC message probably had the effect I wanted. IF he had any doubts about my "honesty" or character, I'm sure that my pulling back like that - and mentioning guilt - probably had an effect. Yes, I was trying to manipulate his image of me when I sent that, I won't lie. But at the time, I was also frustrated with the nature of our relationship. I so wish I could stay in that place. It hasn't happened yet.

 

jthorne - No, I probably wouldn't be as interested. There's a guy I used ot know in college who is gorgeous and chasing me right now. I'm really not interested in him, even though it's flattering. I sound like a guy!

Edited May 7, 2010 by michelle2010

[jthorne]

And yes, I am spoiled. I've had a journey through my 20s trying to change that. It is VERY difficult. There's a sense of entitlement that comes with everything and I know that real life doesn't work that way. But just as I had parents who spoiled me, so does my husband. He has stepped into the shoes of a parent, so sexual attraction is very difficult for me (I was a Psych major in college, so I'm well aware of subconscious undertones and their effects on relationships). But if he were to change, our marriage would be shaken up. I would have a hard time staying with him if he wasn't the way he is... I need that kind of structure in my life. That's another reason why MM and I couldn't be a couple. He and I are too much alike when it comes to this, I've had the chance to notice.

Ok, well, I was going to bow out of this thread because I didn't feel like I had anything of value to add. But this is just too compelling.

 

So basically, are you saying that your H is not your H, but your babysitter? I can't imagine him having a whole lot of respect for a person as his wife, when he has to treat her like a child. I know that there are men that enjoy this type of role, but they eventually take an OW on the side to meet their sexual needs. You may not be the only one looking elsewhere. And if he's not looking now, that doesn't mean he never will. Who knows? Maybe he's really insecure, and gets off on being your "parent". It's an interesting dynamic, but makes me wonder how sustainable it is in the long term. Would you be ok with him being unfaithful as well?

 

jthorne - No, I probably wouldn't be as interested. There's a guy I used ot know in college who is gorgeous and chasing me right now. I'm really not interested in him, even though it's flattering. I sound like a guy!

Ah, well, perhaps you should start looking for the next OM. Once you get bored with this one, you'll be done with him and ready for a new challenge. That is, if this one finally ever gives you what you want. And if he doesn't, are you going to keep up the chase for him, or will you move on?

 

I find it really interesting that the "unapologetic" OW that frequent this board haven't spoken up to give their PoV. Perhaps it's because most of them are not married themselves, but I don't know. Maybe they can help you more than I can. I've tried to warn you of the pitfalls of being emotionally involved with a MM. I think that's about all I can offer at this point, but I do hope you will consider what I and others have said- if for nothing but your own sanity.

Edited May 7, 2010 by jthorne

[Owl]

Granted that you're a self-admitted narcissist, have you ever, ONCE, considered doing what's right for your marriage or for your husband rather than what feels good just for you?

 

Ever once considered the cost that your husband is paying for your self-centeredness?

 

Taken a moment to realize that your marriage to your husband is going to be the role model that your children are going to use when they begin to seek their own relationships?

 

I'm impressed with your ability to diagnose yourself...but saddened that this never led to the next step...seeking to correct the problem(s).

[jthorne]

Nevermind...

Edited May 8, 2010 by jthorne

[Fieldsofgold]

After reading this thread (yes, all of it) I think you don't know what you want.

 

It is very dangerous to make serious, life-changing decisions that will affect so many people, when you don't know what you want.

 

I also think you have lived a very sheltered life, and don't have a clue how hard and cruel life can be, or what a good life you really do have, OR HOW QUICKLY YOU COULD LOSE IT ALL. They say you don't know what you've got til it's gone.

 

You could lose your husband, and all that attention, affection, and security he gives you. You could lose the respect, acceptance and love of your family, friends, and social circle. You could become the laughing-stock of the community.

 

Some day your son will grow up to be a teenager and young adult. He may hate you for the decisions you make about his family. He could hate you for the way you treated his daddy.

 

The OM could be absolutely ruined in every area of his life by this affair. How appealing do you think he'd find you then? Or he could get deeply enmeshed with you - and another woman. You could end up being the OOW. would you be ok with that?

 

You could end up with an STD that can't be cured. Even condoms aren't a guarantee you can't get AIDS or other diseases.

 

And that business? In this economy, it could go belly up.

 

Think it could NEVER happen to YOU? There is only one thing certain in life -- things change! People change. Things happen that you could never have imagined in your wildest dreams.

 

Sure, I know that this list is an extreme list, but any or all these things could happen; have happened to other people before you. Is the affair worth it? If so, go for it!

 

If I may make a recommendation -- I suggest you take some of that money you are raking in from your business, and use it for some first-class counseling for yourself, and later, maybe for your husband, too.

By your own admission, you are narcistic. If nothing else, that doesn't bode well for being a good mother over the next 18 or so years. If nothing else, try to get your head together for the sake of being an adequate mother for your poor child.

[jennie-jennie]

I find it really interesting that the "unapologetic" OW that frequent this board haven't spoken up to give their PoV. Perhaps it's because most of them are not married themselves, but I don't know. Maybe they can help you more than I can. I've tried to warn you of the pitfalls of being emotionally involved with a MM. I think that's about all I can offer at this point, but I do hope you will consider what I and others have said- if for nothing but your own sanity.

 

I have been busy lately and have not had time to read the entire thread, but it is always refreshing with an unapologetic other woman. We are all human beings and we all have as much right as the next woman to love a man and be loved by him. Welcome to LS, Michelle!

Edited May 9, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[michelle2010]

LOL! Come on, guys. If I cared enough, I would actually ask which part of my story led people to believe I'm a troll. But I don't. So those of you who think this is too extraordinary are going to have to deal with it.

 

Thanks to the one lady who welcomed me to this forum... It feels good to see a friendly, unapologetic face.

 

And it's not that I don't understand any of the advice you guys have given me - it's just that any advice that includes NOT having this man in my life disagrees with what I want. And, right now, what I want matters. (Trust me, I wasn't always like this. But there comes a time when everyone learns that their needs matter, too.).

 

Thank you for all the mothering advice, I will take it into account, but my child really has nothing to do with this. Disagree all you want, but it is what it is.

 

And while it is very enlightening to hear of other people's woes and how their lives were ruined by affairs, don't think I don't know that it could happen to me. I do. But, like with anything else in life, it's a gamble - and I think this one might just pay off for me if I play my cards right. In my head, everything is really so simple.

 

So, right now, I'm just biding my time. 8 and a half weeks to go... And the more I think about my ending email, the more I think it was a stroke of genius. IF he was pulling back because he felt guilty and was left with any bad impressions about my character (which sometimes people do in order to assuage their own guilt and self-loathing), my mention of guilt and being the one to end it took care of it.

 

Now, to him, I'm the girl who couldn't handle all the lying and sneaking around BECAUSE I liked him too much. I'm very impressed with myself. I did it out of despair that day, but the more I think about it, the more I see the positive ramifications it has probably had.

 

Not that I expect anybody else to understand my manipulative ways, I don't - so bash me all you want. But it was just another step towards what I want, and a strategic step back that seems perfectly timed!

[Fieldsofgold]

Well, my work here is done.

 

You are what you are, and you'll get what you get.

 

I'm glad you don't believe in Karma, or any of those old things.

 

ENJOY!!!

[Fieldsofgold]

Well, my work here is done.

 

You are what you are, and you'll get what you get.

 

I'm glad you don't believe in Karma, or any of those old things.

(for you, Karma probably WILL be a woman in a red dress! LOL!)

 

Hope you get to enjoy your choices TO THE FULLEST!

[califnan]

I didn't think you ended it because of all of the "lying, sneaking around" .. I think you ended it because after the sex, he didn't give you the attention, communication, reciprocation you expected.

[califnan]

After reading this thread, (yes all of it) I think this is a very bored troll.

 

----------------------

 

The parallel between Michelle2010 - and Edith's (Infidelity) OW, has seemed amazing to some readers.

[michelle2010]

Of course that's not why I ended it. I ended it because I was tired of the roller coaster. But he doesn't know that. As far as he knows I ended it because I felt "too guilty and get too involved" (the email is on page 5, for those who haven't read the whole thing).

 

It's all about image - this is an affair, after all. But I truly have feelings for this man, it's been 3 years...

[delirious]

After reading this thread (yes, all of it) I think you don't know what you want.

 

It is very dangerous to make serious, life-changing decisions that will affect so many people, when you don't know what you want.

 

I also think you have lived a very sheltered life, and don't have a clue how hard and cruel life can be, or what a good life you really do have, OR HOW QUICKLY YOU COULD LOSE IT ALL. They say you don't know what you've got til it's gone.

 

You could lose your husband, and all that attention, affection, and security he gives you. You could lose the respect, acceptance and love of your family, friends, and social circle. You could become the laughing-stock of the community.

 

Some day your son will grow up to be a teenager and young adult. He may hate you for the decisions you make about his family. He could hate you for the way you treated his daddy.

 

The OM could be absolutely ruined in every area of his life by this affair. How appealing do you think he'd find you then? Or he could get deeply enmeshed with you - and another woman. You could end up being the OOW. would you be ok with that?

 

You could end up with an STD that can't be cured. Even condoms aren't a guarantee you can't get AIDS or other diseases.

 

And that business? In this economy, it could go belly up.

 

Think it could NEVER happen to YOU? There is only one thing certain in life -- things change! People change. Things happen that you could never have imagined in your wildest dreams.

 

Sure, I know that this list is an extreme list, but any or all these things could happen; have happened to other people before you. Is the affair worth it? If so, go for it!

 

If I...........

 

Ha this post made me laugh, and earlier on, I was accused of being gloomy. You missed out the bit where she could be hit by a Russian guided misile !!

:D:D

[White Flower]

Ha this post made me laugh, and earlier on, I was accused of being gloomy. You missed out the bit where she could be hit by a Russian guided misile !!

:D:D

What most people who avoid affairs fail to understand is most of us don't regret the actual R itself. Special chemistry, special love, new lessons, etc., that we would never trade it. I'm not recommending it to anyone but I can't say I regret it either. But you can't convince someone who fears pain and heartbreak.

 

Like you said earlier, something like I always say, with great love comes great pain. You just can't know one without the other. Sometimes As are worth it for this reason. Who wants a bland and easy life? Not to say all life without As is bland and easy but I think you get my drift.