Drunken Kiss... Should I Tell?

[Dexter Morgan]

Hi ,

 

Well, I told my boyfriend everything and we are still together thankfully. He said it was a mistake and he would forgive me, but he would feel different about it if it happened when I was sober. I still don't really forgive myself but I'm trying to just focus on our relationship.

 

I'm glad he decided to forgive you to reward your honesty.

 

but did you tell him how you declared your attraction to him as well? to me this is a bigger issue than the kissing itself.

 

and no more partying without him, right?

[UpandAway]

I'm glad he decided to forgive you to reward your honesty.

 

but did you tell him how you declared your attraction to him as well? to me this is a bigger issue than the kissing itself.

 

and no more partying without him, right?

 

Yeah, it was the whole story. Just on the attraction point, I don't actually want anything to do with the guy I kissed and the attraction we spoke of was more something I felt about a year ago. In any case, I was totally honest with my boyfriend and he's satisfied that I only want him and that we love each other.

 

I certainly won't be getting drunk without him anytime soon. I want no more drama, just good times with my boyfriend.

[make me believe]

Hey, I'm glad that you came clean and everything worked out! Yay You definitely did the right thing telling your BF.

[Dexter Morgan]

I certainly won't be getting drunk without him anytime soon.

 

commendable, but being drunk wasn't an excuse. You going to still party without him, drunk or no drunk?

[samsungxoxo]

I don't think that was necessary but since you revealed your little misjudgment to him.. be prepare if he by any chance decides to rub it in your face later on when you're out partying (if you want to still do it).

As for now, just work on the relationship and make him happy. I don't think it should take him longer than several days to proceed with the information and overlook at it. I estimate he should be getting over it within days, not more.

[ilovevictoria]

Wow this thread has been quite an interesting read and I thank you for that Up and Away.

 

Although the situation has been resolved I would like to make a point on the philosophical issue that was kinda raised here...

 

The question is why should you tell? Because in a good relationship you want honesty and respect, otherwise what kind of relationship are you in?

She kissed a guy which is wrong. Although she doesn't plan on doing it again, I think you would want your partner to A. Be honest with you so you can make a decision on who to be with. And C. Accept and want you with your mistakes and all.

 

If she had not told him it would be setting a precedent to keep things that may hurt him, and the lies build up. So where is the line? Is there a line do you just keep lying till your whole life is one big lie. How sustainable is that relationship?

 

If you want a long lasting one you should be honest about these things, your going to make mistakes and hurt your significant other in life, but its how you deal with these issues and move over them that makes a couple grow and become stronger. As with anything, if left untested you will never know its true strength, and when the time comes it will break. Now up and away has shown that their relationship and love is far stronger than this one stupid mistake, would she of known that if she hadn't of told him?

 

What about if its another mistake and she doesn't tell him, but this time he finds out and because she kept a secret he leaves her.

 

Honestly the people espousing deception here sound a little bitter, like past experiences tells them not to trust in relationships, and I have been hurt before, badly. But I don't think that should mean that you shouldn't trust again, and forget the opportunity of an open, honest relationship that will accept you as you are; mistakes and all.

[Dexter Morgan]

I don't think that was necessary but since you revealed your little misjudgment to him.. be prepare if he by any chance decides to rub it in your face later on when you're out partying (if you want to still do it).

 

so if she still acts in a manner unfitting of a committed girlfriend that he isn't entitled to say something about it?

 

 

As for now, just work on the relationship and make him happy. I don't think it should take him longer than several days to proceed with the information and overlook at it. I estimate he should be getting over it within days, not more.

 

wrong

[samsungxoxo]

so if she still acts in a manner unfitting of a committed girlfriend that he isn't entitled to say something about it?

If she repeats the behavior again or does something more than kissing then yes she would need to tell him. However, if it was only a one single time of drunken kiss (little misjudgment) the person truly is guilty and learn from it, then why beat yourself about it? Better to leave it at that and don't do it again.

wrong

So if the boyfriend for some reason where to go into deep depressive periods, wants extensive time in counseling or still be hurt over it for more than 5 months or up to 1 year, that's normal to you?

It wouldn't be normal for me. That's like crying because your pencil got broken or someone stole $5 from yes. I do agree it might anger you a bit but not to the extend of going through depressive cycles.

[ICouldSayTheSame]

So if the boyfriend for some reason where to go into deep depressive periods, wants extensive time in counseling or still be hurt over it for more than 5 months or up to 1 year, that's normal to you?

It wouldn't be normal for me. That's like crying because your pencil got broken or someone stole $5 from yes. I do agree it might anger you a bit but not to the extend of going through depressive cycles.

 

Did you consider that he might have some under-lying issues and insecurities concerning cheating? Cos if he did, then this will affect him big time. Cheating is still cheating, whether it be a kiss or a handjob, it's still a breach of trust that's going to damage that person (some more than others).

 

As far as I'm concerned, if he got depressed, he's perfectly alright to. Putting your trust in someone and to have them flitter it away isn't nice and no-one is going to just blow that off in a couple days. Sure, it was a mistake and they both acknowledge that, and I'm happy that they worked it out, but it still happened and it's still going to mean something to him. Especially if he truely loves this girl.

 

Cheating is not like breaking a pencil or having a fiver stolen from you. Maybe he's more understanding of this type of thing than me, but that doesn't mean it will only affect him for a couple days. Subconciously he'll always have that breach of trust.

[samsungxoxo]

I was just stating it from my point of view (the obvious more logic one). If that happened to me and it was only a one time drunken kiss, it wouldn't take me longer than a week to move on pass it.

In my opinion 5 months and above is too much time for a drunken kiss. Now if a year passes by and he's still depressed about it, then my patience would fry already.

[ICouldSayTheSame]

Yeah but surely, as you'd be in the wrong, it's not up to you how long he takes to get over it. If he wanted to take a year, there's not much you could say, as it was you that caused the problem in the first place.

 

I agree that 5 months would be a long time, but some people handle things worse than others.

[UpandAway]

Yeah but surely, as you'd be in the wrong, it's not up to you how long he takes to get over it. If he wanted to take a year, there's not much you could say, as it was you that caused the problem in the first place.

 

I agree that 5 months would be a long time, but some people handle things worse than others.

 

Hi guys, surprised to see the thread's still going!

 

Dexter, I won't be partying without my BF, that's for sure. It's not worth it. Though he said he would be comfortable with it, I don't want to.

 

Just on the above quote, I'm not really sure how long my BF will take to get over it. To be honest, I was expecting a much worse reaction from him, and it seems like he's pretty much over it already...

 

But this kinda has me more worried. He didn't act like he was upset at all really. Don't get me wrong , I'm so happy we're still together, but I'm concerned that he's more upset than he's telling me about.

 

any views on this, guys? I still feel like crap by the way, so in no way do I think I've ''gotten away with it'' or anything. I just hope he isn't letting all his annoyance build up so he just explodes when he's drunk or something...

[Sazerac]

Hi guys, surprised to see the thread's still going!

 

Dexter, I won't be partying without my BF, that's for sure. It's not worth it. Though he said he would be comfortable with it, I don't want to.

 

Just on the above quote, I'm not really sure how long my BF will take to get over it. To be honest, I was expecting a much worse reaction from him, and it seems like he's pretty much over it already...

 

But this kinda has me more worried. He didn't act like he was upset at all really. Don't get me wrong , I'm so happy we're still together, but I'm concerned that he's more upset than he's telling me about.

 

any views on this, guys? I still feel like crap by the way, so in no way do I think I've ''gotten away with it'' or anything. I just hope he isn't letting all his annoyance build up so he just explodes when he's drunk or something...

 

Unfortunately, that's something you will have no control over. It is a risk, but hopefully it will be a minimal one. It depends on how your BF handles his emotions...is he prone to suppressing them and then letting them come out explosively later, or does he tend to be more philosophical about things?

 

Best thing you can do right now is to be the best GF you can to him and to prove to him he has nothing more to fear. From your postings, I think that's not going to be a problem at all. You seem to be an honest, ethical person who had a momentary lapse in judgment. Just do what you can to reassure your BF that's who you really are.

 

Best wishes!

[JustJoe]

Upandaway, I really don't think he's going to fly into a rage or anything, but you know him best. What you might worry about though, is that now you've cheated, maybe he will think that he has a free pass to do the same to you, and that's why he isn't too shook up about it.

[Dexter Morgan]

If she repeats the behavior again or does something more than kissing then yes she would need to tell him. However, if it was only a one single time of drunken kiss (little misjudgment) the person truly is guilty and learn from it, then why beat yourself about it? Better to leave it at that and don't do it again.

 

 

thats not the context in which I asked the question. You said that if she tell, for her to be prepared for him to throw it in her face. your answer just above is about her still not telling, but telling later.

 

I asked that since she is telling him and she parties again, that he is not entitled to bring it up? You said it as if he has no justification to "throw it in her face" if she still exhibited behavior that was more conducive to cheating.

 

 

So if the boyfriend for some reason where to go into deep depressive periods, wants extensive time in counseling or still be hurt over it for more than 5 months or up to 1 year, that's normal to you?

 

you are talking extremes. I am saying he isn't just going to forget about this and get over it in just a few days. He'll NEVER forget, as far as getting over it, it just may take months, even a year.

 

now if he goes into depression like you said, thats a different bird and he needs help at that point.

 

but to expect someone to just get over it in a few days is the attitude of someone that would cheat and wants to be immediate relief for their wrong doing.

 

 

It wouldn't be normal for me. That's like crying because your pencil got broken or someone stole $5 from yes.

 

no, it wouldn't be like that. its ridiculous to even suggest that the pain of betrayal would equate to a pencil being stolen. get real.

 

 

I do agree it might anger you a bit but not to the extend of going through depressive cycles.

 

when did I say anything about depressive cycles? we are talking about getting over the betrayal, not needing xanax.

[Feelin Frisky]

Hi,

 

I did something incredibly stupid at a party a few days ago. I cheated on my boyfriend of 5 months and I feel like **** about it. I love my boyfriend so much and don't want to lose him. But I'm not sure whether to tell him or not.

 

The guy I kissed is someone who I kinda liked for awhile (long before I met my boyfriend). He told me he liked me too, but since we have been in relationships at different times, nothing ever happened. Until a few nights ago. We were both quite drunk, and talking about how we fancied each other. He kept saying " I know you have a boyfriend but can you not just forget about him for one night?" He tried to kiss me a few times and I kept saying no. I should have walked away then. Well, he went to kiss me one more time and I didn't pull away. I kissed him back for about a minute or less then got upset and walked away. It really meant nothing to me and I've regretted it ever since. I've enever cheated on anyone before, and my boyfriend is amazing. I wish I could go back and just walk away from the guy before I did something stupid.

 

I feel like an idiot and a horrible person. I love my boyfriend so much. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. So I want to do right by him. Some people say I should live with the guilt, and not hurt his feelings by telling him. I'm the one that deserves to feel bad , not him. On the other hand, I've always felt being honest is best. If I lose him because I tell him, I deserve that too, because I messed up.

 

I just want to do what's best for my boyfriend. He doesn't deserve to be hurt. What should I do?

 

I see nothing whatever to be gained by telling him and everything to be lost. You're an imperfect human being like everyone else and you made a mistake for which you clearly are beating yourself up for. Just take it to your grave unspoken. I know I wouldn't want to know even if you apologized your butt off.

[Dexter Morgan]

Hi guys, surprised to see the thread's still going!

 

Dexter, I won't be partying without my BF, that's for sure. It's not worth it. Though he said he would be comfortable with it, I don't want to.

 

thats good that you at least respect him a little to refrain from putting yourself in positions where hook ups are the primary reason to go party.

 

 

Just on the above quote, I'm not really sure how long my BF will take to get over it. To be honest, I was expecting a much worse reaction from him, and it seems like he's pretty much over it already...

 

thats good. but don't get a false sense of security in that. He'll remember.

 

 

But this kinda has me more worried. He didn't act like he was upset at all really. Don't get me wrong , I'm so happy we're still together, but I'm concerned that he's more upset than he's telling me about.

 

could be. he may not want to appear upset because it tends to be emasculating when a guy is cheated on.

 

 

 

any views on this, guys? I still feel like crap by the way, so in no way do I think I've ''gotten away with it'' or anything. I just hope he isn't letting all his annoyance build up so he just explodes when he's drunk or something...

 

only time will tell. I know that when cheated on by a girl long ago when I was young, I stayed with her, lord knows why.

 

I appeared to get over it pretty quick as well, but what she did still was in the back of my mind. But I wasn't about to let it show. its that whole pride thing. But from time to time it would eat me up and eventually I did break up with her.

 

Not saying he will break up, just telling you what was in my thoughts

[UpandAway]

Yeah, the situation you describe there is pretty much what I fear. He is a pretty laidback person, yet at the same time he does have a tendency to keep his real feelings to himself. He has a pretty bad history in the "dealing-with-things" department (depression, etc.) He has always said he's better at dealing with emotional stuff now, than he was back then.

 

I'm sure what I done will probably linger in his mind. I know it would for me were the situation reversed.

 

Is it better to just leave things as normal , or should I be doing more stuff for him? And should I ask him from time to time if he's okay about everything, or wait for him to say something? We are meant to be going to a party this weekend (together!) but I'm afraid of him getting angry when he gets drunk (which he has every right to, really.)

 

The past few days have been fine though. Just normal communication, him saying he loves me, etc.

 

I don't really know what to think.

 

Thanks again for your advice.

[Green]

I wouldn't bring it up again if he doesn't and just act normal, don't think about it. He's in the wrong if he brings it up in a way that involves bashing you. Its one thing for him to tell you he is angry, or upset about it happening but if he keeps bringing it up or he puts you down then I would leave him.

[ICouldSayTheSame]

He might be keeping it to himself because you've already damaged the trust he had in you by cheating and he might not feel as though he can trust you properly again just yet.

[Dexter Morgan]

Yeah, the situation you describe there is pretty much what I fear. He is a pretty laidback person, yet at the same time he does have a tendency to keep his real feelings to himself. He has a pretty bad history in the "dealing-with-things" department (depression, etc.) He has always said he's better at dealing with emotional stuff now, than he was back then.

 

I'm sure what I done will probably linger in his mind. I know it would for me were the situation reversed.

 

Is it better to just leave things as normal , or should I be doing more stuff for him?

 

well, you definitely need to be making it up to him. Just leaving things as normal would be too much like you want to just sweep it under the rug. but you can make it up to him without making it look like you are really overcompensating. You focus more on him, be done with the partying, and you don't have to talk about it unless he brings it up.

 

 

And should I ask him from time to time if he's okay about everything

 

no

 

 

or wait for him to say something?

 

yes. you let him bring it up. if it is eating you up what he is thinking, then maybe that is your real punishment.

 

The last thing someone that has been betrayed and is trying to move on wants to hear is rehashing that which causes them pain. If he brings it up, that is one thing, but otherwise, don't talk about it.

 

 

We are meant to be going to a party this weekend (together!) but I'm afraid of him getting angry when he gets drunk (which he has every right to, really.)

 

well if he gets drunk and he gets angry, then you will know what he is thinking. and don't expect him or blame him for getting angry....if he does, you are the one that brought it on. blame nobody but yourself.

[UpandAway]

Thanks for the advice, everyone.

 

I guess this kind of is my punishment, because now I keep analysing everything he says or does for signs of anger/unhappiness. I'm trying to keep everything normal but it's hard when you don't know what the other person is thinking.

 

Well, I think he is okay, but I suppose time will tell. I won't bring it up, unless he wants to talk about it. Otherwise, I'll try to be normal.

 

I s'pose initially I thought "Great, we're still together". I didn't count on things feeling somewhat different even though he said he forgave me.

 

To anyone reading this thread, thinking of cheating, just don't. It's not worth the pain or feeling like **** or hurting your partner.It's just not.

 

I feel like a horrible person still, even though he forgave me.

[Spectre]

Quit being selfish and just dump your bf. You obviously don't truly love the guy, you can sit there and claim you do, but actions speak louder than words. You wouldn't of been hanging out and getting drunk around a guy you used to like if you truly love him.

 

He's settling for a tainted relationship if he stays with you, so if you truly loved him would you want that? Of course..you don't truly love him so I guess it's pretty stupid of me to ask that.

[Spectre]

I'm glad he decided to forgive you to reward your honesty.

 

This is a common misconception. When a person cheats, for some reason sometimes people act like they should get a prize for simply telling the truth.

 

In reality, you should always be telling the truth, she should not be rewarded for kissing some other dude and then admitting to kissing some other dude.

[samsungxoxo]

This is a common misconception. When a person cheats, for some reason sometimes people act like they should get a prize for simply telling the truth.

 

In reality, you should always be telling the truth, she should not be rewarded for kissing some other dude and then admitting to kissing some other dude.

Nope but it's not like you killed someone. Your reaction is that of a drama king who blows things out of proportion. She had a tiny misjudgment, told her boyfriend, he has moved passed it already and she still feels crappy... why bother beating her down further?

 

Who makes the law to always tell the truth anyways? It's your chose whether you want to be brutally honest, ruining things or keep them to yourself and learn from your mistakes.

 

Talk about a pessimistic point of view.

 

What can be said about me then? I have endlessly talk smack about my boyfriend many times, had thoughts about cheating but never did.... I basically did certain stupid things enough to possible cause a break up except cheat but does that mean I never loved him? No, I was just angry at the time and had a misjudgment just like everyone has from time to time.

Edited May 8, 2010 by samsungxoxo