Drunken Kiss... Should I Tell?

[samsungxoxo]

you are talking extremes. I am saying he isn't just going to forget about this and get over it in just a few days. He'll NEVER forget, as far as getting over it, it just may take months, even a year.

In that case if I was her and he still brought it up even after a year, I would leave him. I don't have patience for melodramatic people.

but to expect someone to just get over it in a few days is the attitude of someone that would cheat and wants to be immediate relief for their wrong doing.

Nope... it would be common that this is not something for someone to beat themselves about.

no, it wouldn't be like that. its ridiculous to even suggest that the pain of betrayal would equate to a pencil being stolen. get real.

This example I put before was my way of showing how a one time drunken kiss is no where similar to a long term affair and therefore, those two would produce different reactions.

This goes the same with a pencil being stolen... it's not the same as if important documents got stolen or if your child got kidnapped. They are both similar in the fact that it involves stealing and it's a felony and/or crime but obviously won't elicit the same reaction.

[UpandAway]

Quit being selfish and just dump your bf. You obviously don't truly love the guy, you can sit there and claim you do, but actions speak louder than words. You wouldn't of been hanging out and getting drunk around a guy you used to like if you truly love him.

 

He's settling for a tainted relationship if he stays with you, so if you truly loved him would you want that? Of course..you don't truly love him so I guess it's pretty stupid of me to ask that.

 

Sorry, but you have absolutely no right to tell me I don't love my boyfriend. I admit I made a really stupid mistake, but that doesn't mean I don't love him. You don't know how I feel, or how he feels for that matter.

 

I admit what I did was wrong. I apologised and he seemingly accepted it, what more can I do? Relationships aren't black-and-white. Sometimes things are more complicated than that, and just because I hurt him (unintentionally, I might add), it doesn't mean I don't love him.

 

As for getting drunk around somebody I used to like... I went to a mutual friend's party and he happened to be there. Am I just never meant to socialise in case someone I used to have feelings for is there, and I'm in a relationship? Let's be realistic here.

 

I've accepted criticism off many posters on this thread, which I feel I deserved, but your comments are way out of line and un-called for.

[UpandAway]

This is a common misconception. When a person cheats, for some reason sometimes people act like they should get a prize for simply telling the truth.

 

In reality, you should always be telling the truth, she should not be rewarded for kissing some other dude and then admitting to kissing some other dude.

 

If it makes you feel any better I in no way feel good about any of this.

I'm not being 'rewarded' at all.

 

I'm human, I made a mistake, and I apologised... and I still feel like ****. So I really don't feel like I've gotten a prize, and no matter how many people say I was right to tell ,etc, I will always feel like **** about it.

 

 

 

What can be said about me then? I have endlessly talk smack about my boyfriend many times, had thoughts about cheating but never did.... I basically did certain stupid things enough to possible cause a break up except cheat but does that mean I never loved him? No, I was just angry at the time and had a misjudgment just like everyone has from time to time.

 

Thanks, sam. Everyone makes mistakes, it's how you deal with them that's important.

 

I'm not saying I dealt with this perfectly, but I tried to do it in the best way I could for my boyfriend. Because I really do love him.

[Bejita463]

no matter how many people say I was right to tell ,etc, I will always feel like **** about it.

 

About telling, or about it happening? This is worded a little confusingly.

 

I've accepted criticism off many posters on this thread, which I feel I deserved, but your comments are way out of line and un-called for.

 

I agree. You handled things about as well as they could be, considering the circumstances. You don't have comments like that coming.

Edited May 8, 2010 by Bejita463

[UpandAway]

About telling, or about it happening? This is worded a little confusingly.

 

 

 

I agree. You handled things about as well as they could be, considering the circumstances. You don't have comments like that coming.

 

Oh, I mean I feel horrible about the kiss happening at all. I don't regret telling, he deserved to know.

 

Thanks, I know I deserve criticism for my actions which were deplorable, but I don't appreciate being told what my emotions are and how I feel. No matter how bad I messed up nobody has the right to tell me I don't love my BF.

 

Although quite frankly, I don't care if people think I don't love him 'cause I know I do. And more importantly he knows.

 

Thanks for your help.

[ICouldSayTheSame]

In that case if I was her and he still brought it up even after a year, I would leave him. I don't have patience for melodramatic people.

 

You do realise that broken trust takes a while to restore right? And even then, the problem that caused the damage will always remain, right?

 

So if he brought it up after a year, he might have a good reason for it because of the broken trust. So, considering you would have been the one to cause the problem, it's even worse of you to dump him for bringing it up.

[samsungxoxo]

You do realise that broken trust takes a while to restore right? And even then, the problem that caused the damage will always remain, right?

 

So if he brought it up after a year, he might have a good reason for it because of the broken trust. So, considering you would have been the one to cause the problem, it's even worse of you to dump him for bringing it up.

I do realize it takes a while to restore it but at the same time, this would depend on the type of offense and how serious it was. Like I mentioned before, a one drunken kiss is not as horrible as a long term affair. Therefore, it would be irrational if it took the same amount of time of restoring trust as if was an affair.

See what I mean? Honestly I haven't heard of anyone who took a year or more to get over the ''one time drunken kiss'' incident. If that was the case then yes I'm impatience. Don't get me wrong.... if I was the OP and he was initially hurt then I would work it out. However, if a certain amount of time passed by and he still questions about it on a constant basis about the drunken kiss or brings it up frequently then I that's when I would be fed up with it and leave.

[Dexter Morgan]

This is a common misconception. When a person cheats, for some reason sometimes people act like they should get a prize for simply telling the truth.

 

oh I know what you are saying. i wasn't saying she should get a prize or anything, just that he decided to give her a chance since she came clean.

 

Wouldn't have been my reaction. mine would have been to open the door and said, "its been nice knowin' ya"

[Dexter Morgan]

In that case if I was her and he still brought it up even after a year, I would leave him.

 

she'd be doing him a favor, whether he knows it or not, if she left him now.

 

but funny how people can hurt someone, and then expect them to just "get over it" quickly.

 

 

Nope... it would be common that this is not something for someone to beat themselves about.

 

again, you need to stay with the discussion. Wasn't talking about her beating herself up about it, the comment I made was about expecting the person they f####d over to just get over it so they can slide by

[samsungxoxo]

oh I know what you are saying. i wasn't saying she should get a prize or anything, just that he decided to give her a chance since she came clean.

 

Wouldn't have been my reaction. mine would have been to open the door and said, "its been nice knowin' ya"

Not everyone is like you. If that would have been the case, then I would be wondering what type of relationship was it the whole time or was I dating a man with melodramatic issues who blows things out of proportion. I would then be running down hill.

[samsungxoxo]

she'd be doing him a favor, whether he knows it or not, if she left him now.

 

but funny how people can hurt someone, and then expect them to just "get over it" quickly.

 

again, you need to stay with the discussion. Wasn't talking about her beating herself up about it, the comment I made was about expecting the person they f####d over to just get over it so they can slide by

Oh dear... it's a lost case here. I never stated you should get over getting cheated on. I was explaining the different levels of cheating and how the reactions would not be the same at all. For example, you can't compare a drunken kiss (your partner confesses and is already feeling ****ty) to actually catching them in the act of having sex with someone else. Both reactions would differ a lot. While a drunken kiss would take about 1 week the least to like up to 1 year (if the person is melodramatic) while the latter one (if the cheatee somehow still wants to stay with them) would take many years plus extensive/endless counseling sessions and way more than ''I'm so sorry''.

[Dexter Morgan]

Oh dear... it's a lost case here. I never stated you should get over getting cheated on.

 

yes, you did, and it should be done in a matter of days.

 

either that or you are implying the person that just got f####d over needs to close their mouth and not have any feelings and bottle it up so the cheater doesn't have to put up with it. get real.

 

 

I was explaining the different levels of cheating and how the reactions would not be the same at all. For example, you can't compare a drunken kiss (your partner confesses and is already feeling ****ty) to actually catching them in the act of having sex with someone else.

 

I wasn't comparing a drunken kiss to anything. but to most of us cheating is cheating and it implies something about one's character whether it was a kiss or a full on shag.

 

 

Both reactions would differ a lot. While a drunken kiss would take about 1 week the least to like up to 1 year

 

so you went from a couple days, to a year? how does that happen?

[Dexter Morgan]

Not everyone is like you.

 

oh gee....no kidding? you miss alot of the words that pop up on the screen dont you? I already said that his decision is his, and was stating that I was different. So I have to put a big up on your statement.

[samsungxoxo]

so you went from a couple days, to a year? how does that happen?

I put it in parenthesis, didn't you see it? A year would only apply to melodramatic people but normally, it shouldn't be something one should go through all dramas nor counseling sessions (there's no need for that). If it was me, I would be forgetting about it within the 4th or 5th day. I'm not a drama queen. Strangely, I wouldn't feel betrayed nor hurt but annoyed and a bit mad that he didn't use enough judgment to stop the kiss. Then off course anything more than kissing would be ''out the door'' right away. Edited May 8, 2010 by samsungxoxo

[ICouldSayTheSame]

I'm not a drama queen. Strangely, I wouldn't feel betrayed nor hurt but annoyed and a bit mad that he didn't use enough judgment to stop the kiss. Then off course anything more than kissing would be ''out the door'' right away.

 

I wouldn't say you had to be a drama queen for a drunken kiss to affect you for a year. It's gonna affect you for life to a certain degree and it depends on what sort of person you are. I have been screwed in every relationship (bar current, so far) and that's made me quite insecure and paranoid. If my girlfriend was to kiss someone, sure, I would get over that initial "f****ing b*tch" stage shorter than a year, but it would still take a couple months. Even then, there would be the chance I would dump her and even THEN, the feeling of betrayal and what not would carry with me for years.

 

Sure, I agree that if he brought it up everyday for a year then it's a bit OTT, but it still wouldn't be your place to dump him, seeing as you would have caused the problem in the first place.

 

Both reactions would differ a lot. While a drunken kiss would take about 1 week the least to like up to 1 year (if the person is melodramatic) while the latter one (if the cheatee somehow still wants to stay with them) would take many years plus extensive/endless counseling sessions and way more than ''I'm so sorry''.

 

I agree that both reactions would differ, but that doesn't change the fact that a drunken kiss isn't far different from catching someone in the act of sex, from the point of view that they're both forms of cheating, both forms of trust-breaking and both would still cause the person, that was cheated on, emotional greif. Sure, you would get the different levels of greif, but not to the extent in which you were saying.

 

If you're saying a person is entitled to many years and extensive councelling for someone that's been cheated on through sex, how can you only entitle someone that was cheated on by a drunken kiss only a couple days/weeks?

You don't deserve any right to entitle the person you cheated on a certain time as you were the one in the wrong! You don't need to be melodramatic in order for cheating to affect you worse than some people. Like I said, it depends on who you're dealing with, and as far as I'm concerned, if you're gonna cheat, you have to pay the consequences of how your partner reacts. If you wouldn't be able to handle your partner taking over a year to get over it, don't cheat, simple as that.

[Dexter Morgan]

I put it in parenthesis, didn't you see it? A year would only apply to melodramatic people but normally, it shouldn't be something one should go through all dramas nor counseling sessions (there's no need for that). If it was me, I would be forgetting about it within the 4th or 5th day. I'm not a drama queen. Strangely, I wouldn't feel betrayed nor hurt but annoyed and a bit mad that he didn't use enough judgment to stop the kiss.

 

 

of course YOU wouldn't be annoyed at a kiss. You are the person that likes to have internet sex with other guys behind a bf's back and sees nothing wrong with that.

[Dexter Morgan]

You don't deserve any right to entitle the person you cheated on a certain time as you were the one in the wrong!

 

EXACTLY!!!!

 

 

You don't need to be melodramatic in order for cheating to affect you worse than some people. Like I said, it depends on who you're dealing with, and as far as I'm concerned, if you're gonna cheat, you have to pay the consequences of how your partner reacts. If you wouldn't be able to handle your partner taking over a year to get over it, don't cheat, simple as that.

 

Exactly again. melodrama wouldn't enter it for me on a "drunken kiss", I'd simple leave the situation.

 

But if I didn't leave the situation, my demeanor would change for a while, maybe a few months...just the demeanor of someone who is now more cautious and not going to be played for a fool. Certainly not that of someone that would bring it up all the time.

 

And when that would pass, I still reserve the right to not trust a person that has cheated 100%. It amazes me that people who cheat, or defend those who cheat don't realize the pain they caused and the change in thought process that is brought about by it.

[ICouldSayTheSame]

But if I didn't leave the situation, my demeanor would change for a while, maybe a few months...just the demeanor of someone who is now more cautious and not going to be played for a fool. Certainly not that of someone that would bring it up all the time.

 

And when that would pass, I still reserve the right to not trust a person that has cheated 100%. It amazes me that people who cheat, or defend those who cheat don't realize the pain they caused and the change in thought process that is brought about by it.

 

I agree. I wouldn't be the sort of person to bring it up all the time, but if I wasn't able to smile through it for ages, that's not really my fault. I would certainly be more cautious.

 

I wouldn't be able to trust anyone 100% again after being cheated on (I know, it's happened to me)... I still trust my current partner like 95% of the time (only been together 6 months, the rest of the trust will come with time) but even then it'll only be 99% because of my ex.

 

It is sad, I agree. No matter what light you look at it, cheating is always wrong in some form or another.

 

"I didn't love him, that's why I cheated"... WRONG. He thought you loved him so you should have dumped him first.

 

"I was drunk"... WRONG. Being drunk is not an excuse. If you love someone that much, being drunk won't change that.

 

of course YOU wouldn't be annoyed at a kiss. You are the person that likes to have internet sex with other guys behind a bf's back and sees nothing wrong with that.

 

Agreed. Women can cheat better than men because they show less remorse.

[samsungxoxo]

of course YOU wouldn't be annoyed at a kiss. You are the person that likes to have internet sex with other guys behind a bf's back and sees nothing wrong with that.

It was only certain dirty texts long ago and besides it's not like my boyfriend didn't knew. I only told him once or twice and he didn't see nothing wrong with it.

Though it's been a very long while that I don't do it anymore because it's boring, time consuming and I'm not into playing with men's feelings online. I would later on disappear after the chat and never contacted them again... not anymore.

 

Lastly, it never included the cam at all nor posing pictures.. only written words..

[ICouldSayTheSame]

It was only certain dirty texts long ago and besides it's not like my boyfriend didn't knew. I only told him once or twice and he didn't see nothing wrong with it.

Though it's been a very long while that I don't do it anymore because it's boring, time consuming and I'm not into playing with men's feelings online. I would later on disappear after the chat and never contacted them again... not anymore.

 

Lastly, it never included the cam at all nor posing pictures.. only written words..

 

Doesn't make it any better. You still seeked out attention from other guys. Even if your boyfriend did know, doesn't mean you're not wrong for doing it, just means he's telling you he sees nothing wrong with it. No-one's gonna see "nothing wrong with it" if they're in love. If he loves you, he minds. Simple as.

[samsungxoxo]

Doesn't make it any better. You still seeked out attention from other guys. Even if your boyfriend did know, doesn't mean you're not wrong for doing it, just means he's telling you he sees nothing wrong with it. No-one's gonna see "nothing wrong with it" if they're in love. If he loves you, he minds. Simple as.

He does loves me and so do I. You can't dictate how people should react if they're in love. What might annoy some people will not necessary have affect on others. Perhaps many women would freak out if they caught their men either chatting with online women or looking at porn, etc. while I wouldn't care at all. He can do almost anything online with other women as well as look at porn.... as long as it's not done in real life. I would give him permission to do it if he wants to, thought he's not interested.

[Dexter Morgan]

It was only certain dirty texts long ago and besides it's not like my boyfriend didn't knew. I only told him once or twice and he didn't see nothing wrong with it.

 

he didn't see anything wrong with it because by your description, he is cut from the same mold.

 

But you take a poll and very few men would want someone that cybers with other guys and gratifies themselves....ya, you said you pleasured yourself with the texts...so it wasn't ONLY dirty texts.

 

But really, not to threadjack, but this just indicates why YOU don't really see anything wrong with what she did since you have done worse and think you should get a pass on it. Doesn't matter if your bf who wouldn't mind getting off to other girls himself thinks. Most men wouldn't have liked what you did.

 

 

Lastly, it never included the cam at all nor posing pictures.. only written words..

 

so................?

[Dexter Morgan]

He does loves me and so do I. You can't dictate how people should react if they're in love. What might annoy some people will not necessary have affect on others. Perhaps many women would freak out if they caught their men either chatting with online women or looking at porn, etc. while I wouldn't care at all. He can do almost anything online with other women as well as look at porn.... as long as it's not done in real life.

 

thats just it. if he could do with women IRL what he is doing online and figured you'd never find out, you'd be a fool to think he wouldn't.

 

the only thing that separates cybesex with a real life encounter is opportunity.......the ideal opportunity that is.

[witabix]

thats just it. if he could do with women IRL what he is doing online and figured you'd never find out, you'd be a fool to think he wouldn't.

 

the only thing that separates cybesex with a real life encounter is opportunity.......the ideal opportunity that is.

 

IMO the difference between cyber and physical is location. There is no chance of STD's so maybe the net is an econdom?

 

We have email, ecommerce and ebooks. How about esexual reproduction?

 

Edit :- Dexter I borrowed your avatar quote earlier.....

[samsungxoxo]

thats just it. if he could do with women IRL what he is doing online and figured you'd never find out, you'd be a fool to think he wouldn't.

 

the only thing that separates cybesex with a real life encounter is opportunity.......the ideal opportunity that is.

Yes there is always the opportunity but at the same time, that's why we all have self-control within us all.

It's one thing to write shorty meaningless fantasy text to a long distance person you'll never meet face-to-face but it's another to actually go to a bar or elsewhere to have sex with someone else.