Drunken Kiss... Should I Tell?

[FryFish]

Every long term affair starts with a kiss...

 

Every serial cheater/liar starts with a kiss...

 

Best to be honest and prevent yourself from even considering it in the future. Even if that lesson is learned through the pain of losing someone.

[JustJoe]

OP, this isn't about your BF, or about your relationship. This is about you as an individual, are you an honest person or not? Those posters telling you not to tell, are trying to get you to do something that you know is morally wrong. You have to live with yourself, as well as your BF.. Do you want to base your relationship on lies and deceit, or on the truth? You sound like a good person. If your Bf is any kind of a man and if you openly and honestly admit your wrong-doing, I think it will be OK. But you must be sure it never happens again, and tell him so.

[witabix]

It seems a simple ethical question.

 

If he had done this would you want to know?

 

The answer to that question is the answer to your own question.

 

You must treat people the way you wish to be treated. (Doesn't that sound somehow trite these days?)

 

No one can project their own morals onto you, and you should never allow this to happen. You must decide for yourself how your moral/ethical rules are played out.

 

One proviso to this is that you will be treated in the fashion that you teach others to treat you.

[In-The-Wheat]

You should tell him. If you don't there is ALWAYS a possibility he'll find out. Who's to say that he wont find out? I mean in a month or two from now you guys could get in an argument, he'll start talking to your friends to figure things out, and one night they'll be drunk and mention how you hooked up with a guy. I mean seriously, don't think for a second that there is absolutely no way he'll find out.

 

Tell him now, let him decide where the relationship goes & then you will have your answer. I agree its not a HUGE thing you did, but If I were him and you told me I'd still be upset at that moment - might even break it off, but If I loved you like he does you I'd want to work through it after my emotions calmed down. If I were to find out a little down the road, I'd be pissed that you kept it from me and loose a lot more respect for you along with trust.

 

Tell him.

Edited May 3, 2010 by In-The-Wheat

[lkjh]

Everyone who says to not tell is full of it.

 

Green cheating is selfish, being honest is not

 

Alpha, he has a right to know whats going on in his life. Only a crappy person would take that right from someone

 

Sky, telling is not about her punishment but about letting her bf know whats going on in his life

 

Up, it seems like you are a pretty good person and I applaud you for doing whats right. Im not sure if it will work out with your bf but at least you can look back on this moment with pride

[lkjh]

by pride I mean because you are choosing to be honest

[UpandAway]

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks very much for your replies. I suppose there is no easy way to deal with this situation and both sides have valid points, but I don't think I can not tell him.

 

Well, I'm seeing my boyfriend today, and instead of feeling happy and excited, I just feel sick to my stomach. I'm praying that maybe after he gets over his initial upset, he might try and work things out. I just feel he deserves to know what kind of person I am, and let him decide if he wants to be with me. That seems like the fair thing to me, and I'd want to to be given that option if it were the other way round.

 

I'll let everyone know what happens, whether good or bad.

 

Thanks again, everyone.

[NickelbackFan]

Upandaway, good luck with either decision you will make. Although I don't condone what you did and I thin it is truly disgusting (not judging you) you come across as a truly honest level headed person who sees the ramifications of her actions. If anything becomes of this a lesson will be learned. You seem to want to be honest and that is a good thing. I hope that you do tell him and he forgives you. Keep me posted.

[samsungxoxo]

Everyone who says to not tell is full of it.

 

Green cheating is selfish, being honest is not

 

Alpha, he has a right to know whats going on in his life. Only a crappy person would take that right from someone

 

Sky, telling is not about her punishment but about letting her bf know whats going on in his life

 

Up, it seems like you are a pretty good person and I applaud you for doing whats right. Im not sure if it will work out with your bf but at least you can look back on this moment with pride

So just because I don't agree with the ''Tell the truth but nothing but the truth'' morality concept at all times I'm crappy?

Very easy for you to classify isn't it? I'm just different from you that's all. Everyone had varying ideas and when it comes to who is right... no one is.

 

As a woman, I wouldn't want to know my boyfriend had a one time drunken kiss nor would I tell him. It seems so irrelevant IMO.

Edited May 4, 2010 by samsungxoxo

[Green]

Everyone who says to not tell is full of it.

 

Green cheating is selfish, being honest is not

 

Alpha, he has a right to know whats going on in his life. Only a crappy person would take that right from someone

 

Sky, telling is not about her punishment but about letting her bf know whats going on in his life

 

Up, it seems like you are a pretty good person and I applaud you for doing whats right. Im not sure if it will work out with your bf but at least you can look back on this moment with pride

 

Your full of it, I think kissing some one who isn't your partner is just silly. I would never do this. But you know what I think is even more silly, going and telling your bf about it for no other purpose then some fake notion of honesty... really her bf shouldn't continue to date her after she comes to him with the story as she outlined it here.

 

Do I think this girl or any other cheater is some horible person... No I don't. Hopefuly she learned her lesson and will keep drama out of her life. I wish her the best and she really shouldn't beat herself up to much.

 

I just think people are so silly in the way they analyze this. Truthfuly I think her bf is a loser if he decides to stay with a girl he has dated for five months who comes to him with a story about how she liked a guy long before him and how he had been trying to kiss her all night and asking her to forget her bf and oh he kissed her and she kissed back but then felt guilty.... I would be like ok, good bye... I mean I would forgive the person, wouldn't hate her or anything, just wouldn't want to date her anymore. So, if she really likes the guy why insult him by telling him such a story.

 

and if she is going to sugur coat the truth and not tell the story like she did here whats the point of even telling the story.

[samsungxoxo]

Your full of it, I think kissing some one who isn't your partner is just silly. I would never do this. But you know what I think is even more silly, going and telling your bf about it for no other purpose then some fake notion of honesty... really her bf shouldn't continue to date her after she comes to him with the story as she outlined it here.

 

Do I think this girl or any other cheater is some horible person... No I don't. Hopefuly she learned her lesson and will keep drama out of her life. I wish her the best and she really shouldn't beat herself up to much.

 

I just think people are so silly in the way they analyze this. Truthfuly I think her bf is a loser if he decides to stay with a girl he has dated for five months who comes to him with a story about how she liked a guy long before him and how he had been trying to kiss her all night and asking her to forget her bf and oh he kissed her and she kissed back but then felt guilty.... I would be like ok, good bye... I mean I would forgive the person, wouldn't hate her or anything, just wouldn't want to date her anymore. So, if she really likes the guy why insult him by telling him such a story.

 

and if she is going to sugur coat the truth and not tell the story like she did here whats the point of even telling the story.

Yup the OP should avoid drama. What's the point of bringing a big luggage into a relationship and what cost? If he were to decide to stay with her after that whole ''nothing but the complete truth'' story is told then I bet all that ''checking on her emails, passwords and calling him every time about her whereabouts'' would drive her crazy.

I would be beyond piss off if I had to tell my boyfriend where I am the whole time and go through all that ridiculous drama just because of a stupid drunken kiss.

[Bejita463]

The solution to that is to not DO something like that. Not to lie about it. Honesty isn't situational, and the truth is the truth regardless of whether it serves your selfish purposes or not.

Edited May 4, 2010 by Bejita463

[SavannahSmiles]

Not telling him is selfish. He has the right to know and make his own decision. Because if you leave it , he may find out down the road and that will be very hard to get over both the cheating and the fact youdidn't tell hiim.

 

You need to be honest and let him figure it out.

 

Actually, I think it is more selfish to tell him. If it's not something you continue to do and you regret it, it's better you hold the guilt than relieve it by telling him. Then he will have something on his mind that may not be necessary if you really love him and have learned from your mistake. Just be the best girlfriend you can from now on. If you continue to make the same mistakes, then you need to tell him so he can decide. One time? No, I wouldn't tell. I would not want my husband to tell me because I know what it would it do to me. I'd never stop thinking about it. If he knew he made a mistake and really wanted to be with me, no harm done imho.

[Green]

The solution to that is to not DO something like that. Not to lie about it. Honesty isn't situational, and the truth is the truth regardless of whether it serves your selfish purposes or not.

 

She really doesn't even have to lie... I mean its not like he is going to ask her "did you kiss any guys?"

 

She said he would probably never find out. So, if he does find out she can play it more as a stupid drunken kiss that she didn't want to cause drama about. So, he can be mad at her for not telling him... not for lying... and anything she does from this point doesn't change the fact that the kiss happened.

[lkjh]

Sam, if you advice other peopl to lie and screw someone else over than you are crappy. You can try an generalize however you want but it comes down to the fact that you are telling someone to lie and disrespect their SO.

 

Green,

if you think honesty is silly than fine but please don't fool yourself to believing that by not telling the cheater is going to learn some life lesson and never do it again. There really isn't anything to analyze, if someone cheats you feel it is wrong for them to confess and i disagree.

 

oh and Green not telling and leading the bf to believe that they are monogamous is a lie

 

Savannah,

you are right she should lie and see if she continues to make the same mistakes and when she does she can use your same rational to justify it until it goes to far. There is never a right amount of cheating for it to be considered "time to tell".

[samsungxoxo]

Actually had it been more than kissing, drunken sex or she kissed the other dude more than once, then I would have suggest the OP to tell her boyfriend about it.

[Bejita463]

She really doesn't even have to lie... I mean its not like he is going to ask her "did you kiss any guys?"

 

Lying by omission is still lying.

[make me believe]

Lying by omission is still lying.

 

I totally agree! These two are in an exclusive, committed relationship. Going outside of the relationship, whether it's emotionally or physically, is breaking the rules and needs to be disclosed to the other person.

 

To the OP, I'm glad that you decided to tell your bf. If my bf cheated on me by kissing another girl, I would want to know. No matter how much he "regretted it" or how much it made him realize that he only wants me. Why? Because I don't want to be with someone who has to kiss another person in order to realize their feelings for me! It would completely change how I look at my boyfriend. Honestly, knowing that he was willing & capable of cheating on me would make me think of him completely differently, and I would end the relationship. So I think your bf has the right to know ALL of the facts, and make a decision about you accordingly.

[UpandAway]

Hi ,

 

Well, I told my boyfriend everything and we are still together thankfully. He said it was a mistake and he would forgive me, but he would feel different about it if it happened when I was sober. I still don't really forgive myself but I'm trying to just focus on our relationship.

 

Thanks for your advice everyone. And any advice I could give to anyone is if you ever find yourself in a ''compromising'' situation like I did, then just try, for the love of god, to stop yourself before you do something you regret. It's just not worth the pain, for either you or your partner. Just think before you do anything hasty.

 

I certainly learned my lesson anyway.

 

again, thanks guys.

[Green]

You can't go back in time, I'm glad he forgave you. Don't let him bring this up at some later time and make you feel guilty for it. It is over now

[UpandAway]

Thanks Green, and for your advice. We are just going to try and put this in the past now and move on. Easier said than done, but I'll try my best. I love him to bits.

[Dexter Morgan]

Hi,

 

I did something incredibly stupid at a party a few days ago. I cheated on my boyfriend of 5 months and I feel like **** about it. I love my boyfriend so much and don't want to lose him.

 

then what were you doing partying without him and getting close to other guys?

 

 

But I'm not sure whether to tell him or not.

 

if you don't respect him then don't tell.

 

but don't you think he deserves the truth about who he is committing himself to?

 

 

The guy I kissed is someone who I kinda liked for awhile (long before I met my boyfriend). He told me he liked me too, but since we have been in relationships at different times, nothing ever happened. Until a few nights ago. We were both quite drunk

 

not an excuse if that is the point of stating that.

 

 

and talking about how we fancied each other. He kept saying " I know you have a boyfriend but can you not just forget about him for one night?" He tried to kiss me a few times and I kept saying no. I should have walked away then. Well, he went to kiss me one more time and I didn't pull away. I kissed him back for about a minute or less then got upset and walked away. It really meant nothing to me and I've regretted it ever since. I've enever cheated on anyone before, and my boyfriend is amazing. I wish I could go back and just walk away from the guy before I did something stupid.

 

maybe you shouldn't be partying without your bf. hook ups are probably the #1 reason to go to parties. if you think I am wrong in that, then how much fun do you think always going to parties with only other girls would be?

 

 

I feel like an idiot and a horrible person. I love my boyfriend so much. He's the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

BUT, you went partying without him, confessed your attraction to another guy and kissed him. If you loved your boyfriend, you wouldn't be telling another guy this and going to a party without him when you knew a guy you wanted is there.

 

 

So I want to do right by him. Some people say I should live with the guilt, and not hurt his feelings by telling him.

 

people don't tell because they don't want to hurt the other person...they don't tell for their own selfish reasons. You already admitted this much. You said you didn't want to lose him. So for your own selfish reasons, you are going to keep this lie from him.

 

 

I'm the one that deserves to feel bad , not him. On the other hand, I've always felt being honest is best. If I lose him because I tell him, I deserve that too, because I messed up.

 

I just want to do what's best for my boyfriend.

 

what is best for your boyfriend is to be with someone he can trust that he knows well. you keep it from him, then you are only an image of what he thinks you are....not knowing that you confess your attraction to another guy and cheat on him.

 

but then again, it really shouldn't come to much of a surprise to anyone that is dating someone that parties without their significant other that there is a reason they party without them.

 

 

He doesn't deserve to be hurt.

 

telling him isn't what will hurt him....your actions are what will hurt him.

 

and if he somehow finds out from someone else, that will make it worse...because then not only are you a cheater, you are someone that enhances your dishonesty by keeping him in the dark for your own desires.

 

 

What should I do?

 

 

easy, if you respect him....tell him the truth. he deserves the truth.

 

if you don't respect him, then keep it to yourself.

 

and maybe if you want to be true to him and show him you are trustworthy, then maybe partying and getting drunk without him should stop.

[Dexter Morgan]

since it was just a kiss just keep it to yourself

 

it wasn't just a kiss. she was professing her attraction to this other guy.

 

and there isn't any such thing as "it was just a......" when it comes to cheating and betrayal.

[Dexter Morgan]

there was no real harm done. You dont want to do it again.

 

only way she can help to ensure she won't do it again is to stop partying and getting drunk without him..

 

 

You are not deceiving him by simply keeping the truth to yourself.

 

yes.....she is.

[UpandAway]

Dexter,

 

I've told my boyfriend and he forgave me. I told him for all the reasons you outlined in your post and I agree with it. And I was at a party without him because I'm in an LDR and we miss a lot of each other's social events (which I hate, believe me, I always prefer when he's there.)

 

I do agree with what you say, though and Im glad I was honest. Thanks for your input, anyway.