Anyone ever have this problem with parents?

[Butterflying]

I grew up with a my mother (single parent) and my younger brother. We had it hard financially. But mom was always very independent. She had a decent factory job. It paid well enough that she never needed government assistance.

 

I moved out and started my career when I was 18 years old. Now I have college degrees and a great job. In all these years, I've never asked my mother or anyone else in my family for anything. Mainly because they can barely afford to take care of themselves. I'm the only person in my entire family to graduate from college. I can understand the reason they all think I'm rich. But I'm not rich!

 

The problem is: because everyone thinks I'm rich, everyone in my family keeps asking to borrow money from me, including my mom. Some of my relatives don't ask to borrow money. They expect me to "give" it to them for charity.

 

As soon as I started my career, my mother quit her job. She's only 49 years old. Yet she refuses to work. It's like she has retired; but she doesn't have enough money to do that. Every month, she ask me for money to pay her mortgage, or electric bill, or some other expense. This is driving me crazy because I live 300 miles away from her and I have my own mortgage and expenses to pay.

 

I finally called my mom and attempted to have a serious conversation about her finances. I told her I can't afford to give her money every month. I told her she should at least work part-time. She got very upset with me. She said I was selfish and stingy. And now a lot of other relatives are agreeing with my mom. I got a call from my Aunt yesterday asking me why I was being so stingy. They think I'm conceited. They said my high profile career has turned me into a terrible person.

 

So I'm wondering, is it my responsibility to give everyone in my family money? I see them when I visit and I feel sorry for their financial hardships. But I seriously can not afford to change that. I wish I could. And I feel guilty that I can't.

 

Now my mother is not taking my phone calls. I don't mind losing communication with aunts, uncles, and cousins over money. But losing my mom is a bigger deal. I can't just forget about her and move on without her in my life as long as she's still living.

 

Aside from going into debt trying to help my mother financially just to keep her in my life, what can I do? Does anyone else have this problem with their parents?

[DaisyLeigh]

No I don't. But I think that you have to decide if you really need people like this in your life.

 

If your mother truly loved you and cared about your well-being, she would not expect you to foot her bills. It is one thing if she were disabled, but she is more than able to work and pay her own way.

[Butterflying]

No I don't. But I think that you have to decide if you really need people like this in your life.

 

If your mother truly loved you and cared about your well-being, she would not expect you to foot her bills. It is one thing if she were disabled, but she is more than able to work and pay her own way.

Thank you for support. She just keeps guilting me by saying that she took care of me for 18 years and now it's my turn. I totally expected to take care of my mom at some point in life. But I thought it would be many, many years from now, like when she's 70 or 80 years old.

 

If I were married, at least I'd have my husband to assist me. Since I'm all on my own, I have no help. And now this huge burden is on my shoulders. And then I have see how my mom waste money on things like cell phones, and unecessary travel.

 

I would like to show her how to manage her budget better an not waste what little money she has. But doing this makes her think I think I'm better than she is. So she won't take my advice.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

I think you are going to have to set aside certain amount of money that you can give her, and tell her that is the most you can afford.

 

That way you don't have to struggle and she'll have something steady to count on.

 

Make it one of your bills, and don't worry about money. It's just money, and whatever you give away the universe will give you back twice fold.

[Butterflying]

Hi,

 

I think you are going to have to set aside certain amount of money that you can give her, and tell her that is the most you can afford.

 

That way you don't have to struggle and she'll have something steady to count on.

 

Make it one of your bills, and don't worry about money. It's just money, and whatever you give away the universe will give you back twice fold.

This is a great idea. And I have thought of it. But I really can't afford another bill right now. I have student loans from college that I started repaying last year. I also have some credit card debt that is not massive; but I am better off paying extra money on that because it will continue to grow if I don't pay more than the minimum.

 

I actually canceled my cable, fitness club, and vacation plans in oder to have "extra money" to pay down my debts. I'm already making sacrifices, yet my mother is not making any. She either doesn't believe that I can't afford to help her, or she doesn't care and wants me to end up like other relatives in our family, in poverty.

 

My only savings account is for retirement. I get penalties for each withdrawal. But I've done that already just to help my mom. I can't keep doing that. I'm just so stressed about it. And not having contact with my mom is making me depressed. Nobody seems to understand what I'm going through. All of my friends are wealthy or rich, and so are their parents. I'm too embarassed to even tell them that my family, especially my mom is so unfortunate.

[sally4sara]

So when you were growing up, did you show respect for your mother and the fact she kept a roof over your head and food in your belly?

 

I'm going to assume you did, but I may be wrong.

 

You try to show her how to better manage money. She cannot respect you enough to apply your advise while she expects you to help keep a roof over her head and food in her belly.

 

Is it because you are her child? It is also because she knows she isn't trying for herself and to then, on top of getting money out of her child, feels the ego rub of also getting adult advise from you?

 

If you continue to help her monetarily, do not give her the money. Put it directly to the mortgage on her home.

[Ariadne]

This is a great idea. And I have thought of it. But I really can't afford another bill right now. I have student loans from college that I started repaying last year. I also have some credit card debt that is not massive; but I am better off paying extra money on that because it will continue to grow if I don't pay more than the minimum.

 

I actually canceled my cable, fitness club, and vacation plans in oder to have "extra money" to pay down my debts. I'm already making sacrifices, yet my mother is not making any. She either doesn't believe that I can't afford to help her, or she doesn't care and wants me to end up like other relatives in our family, in poverty.

 

My only savings account is for retirement. I get penalties for each withdrawal. But I've done that already just to help my mom. I can't keep doing that. I'm just so stressed about it. And not having contact with my mom is making me depressed. Nobody seems to understand what I'm going through. All of my friends are wealthy or rich, and so are their parents. I'm too embarassed to even tell them that my family, especially my mom is so unfortunate.

 

Hey,

 

I just got to this post.

 

That is too bad, and it does seem that you are struggling to even keep it together.

 

It sounds like you are doing a great job managing your debts and cutting expenses.

 

At this point I'd say you'll have to see your mother and talk to her.

 

Have you managed for Mother's Day? I really hope you did.

 

Otherwise you'll have to go visit her and rarely a mother will reject a daugher.

 

You'll have to be face to face to explain all this and get to an agreement.

 

I still think you'll be able to pass her some money if you manage. It will help you and her so it will be worth it.

 

Best of luck to you!

[Butterflying]

She just had a birthday 3 months ago. I treated her to an all day spa treatment and a very exclusive spa facility. Even then, when she realized how much money it cost, she prefered to have the cash, not the experience. And her mood really killed the gift. Like what woman doesn't want to be pampered all day? She didn't appreciate it.

 

So, for mother's day, I sent her money. Acutally, I intended to take her on a shopping spree (the budget was $1k). That was enough to buy her a new wardrobe if she shopped at inexpensive places. And it would give us time to spend together. Maybe now she will be happy. I hate giving money as a gift because she might say it wasn't enough cash and I should have sent more.