ally000 Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 My boyfriend of a year , was a smoker when i met him. He quickly found out how anti-smoking I am and quit pretty quickly, and asked me to never let him smoke again. But now, he sneaks around and smokes one here and one there, and dosen't tell me, but I find out when I smell it lingering on his hands or on his breath later on that night. When i ask him about it, he will deny it and get mad at me for accusing him, and try and make me feel bad but eventually I will make him admit it. Is this a serious trust issue, or should I let it go? I mean, lying is lying right? But he says that it's not important and that the fact that he smokes shouldnt even concern me. He also says that its too hard to admit it to me cause he dosen't want to dissapoint me... Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 He is sneaking around because he knows you disapprove. Quitting smoking is very, very hard. Trust me, if you keep getting on his case about it, he will leave you. He is trying to quit for you--isn't that enough? Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 i am in the same place with my bf, only i smoke pot. the only reason i sneak around is cause he says he does not want me to smoke near him or around him. we live together...so i will go get gas, and come back and he s like did you smoke...well yes, but if i tell him yes we get into this same litle fued where he asks me why i feel th e need to smoke..i tell him i like it....and this happens every time....so it is just easier for me to say no-even though i know he more than likely knows, and i told him i am telling him this lie to keeep him from getting pissed, but he does anyways cause i have just told him a lie.....so it is this no win situation for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 While I don't condone his lying, I would also suggest, as someone else has, that smoking is hard to quit. Might I ask what your reaction is when you find out he is still smoking? Keep in mind that quitting for someone else doesn't usually work out. If he is going to quit, he is going to have to do it for himself and his health and well-being. However, if he doesn't want to or is having trouble doing so, and you would like him to be honest about it, let him know that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ally000 Posted January 23, 2004 Author Share Posted January 23, 2004 I usually get pretty upset when I find out because I always find out from another source, like a mutual friend will tell me like "hey me & *_* just smoked a big one!" or I will smell it on him and have to confront him about it. But the other day, I smelled it on him, and he lied for a split second but then I gave him... the look... and he admitted it right away, so he thinks that thats ok. I told him that I was ok with it and thanks for telling me. But deep down I was confused, wondering, what if he hadnt come over, he wouldnt have told me at all! So I told him that and then I asked him, why does he feel the need. Especially since , according to him, its just a hall here and there once in a while. He says he dosent need it but he likes it. But he knows how much it hurts me!!!! He says that I'm just trying to change him! I don't see it as trying to change him though, I just want him to ditch a BAD habit! Link to post Share on other sites
sdgdfg Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 honestly i couldnt tell ya. in my experience, if hes quitting for YOU, its not gonna work out. I dont see yalls relationship going further unless you guys do something abotu this. you cant win this battle. You can either 1) set a rule that no matter what he must tell the truth and that YOU will react fairly, cause otherwise he isnt going to tell you that he smoked. or 2) just leave him and find a guy who doesnt smoke. just face it, hes going to smoke and you cant stop him. Link to post Share on other sites
mintjulep Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 My father "quit" smoking 10 years ago. A vast majority of his coworkers smoke, and he works 24 hour shifts, so he is away from my mom at night quite a bit. My sister overheard him tell his doctor that, yes, he still occasionally has a cigarette or two (or God knows how many, really) at work. It's an incredibly hard habit to quit - especially with so much peer pressure, and he did do it for him, eventually, not for my mom. Every time he tried to quit for my mom, he blamed her for his unhappiness when he wasn't smoking. I understand someone being very anti-smoking, because I become physically ill when I'm around it - so I would never date a smoker, but the truth is, if it truly is a "deal breaker" for you, then you simply can't be with him. You can't change someone unless they want to be changed. Maybe you can convince him to quit, but if you two can't even talk about it without having a fight or blame-fest (what my parents used to do), then you're just going to have to quietly accept it. Everyone has flaws, and we either choose to accept them, or we let them make us miserable as a couple. I have to tell you one more thing: If it were me, I wouldn't be able to heed my own advice. It's incredibly hard [for me] to just accept people as they are. But if my mom had been more accepting, I think the end result would have been the same - and they would have fought less. The thought of grandchildren (once my cousin got pregnant) was the trigger for his quitting - not my mom's nagging. I think it would have happened anyway, and he wouldn't have gained as much weight over the years from endless times of trying to quit even though his spirit was unwilling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ally000 Posted January 24, 2004 Author Share Posted January 24, 2004 ok... but then, how should i react? Its not that its "hard" like many of you have said, cause he wasnt a smoker for very long, only a year or two to start off with. And originally, he DID quit for HIMSELF because he is an athlete and it was bringing him down. Its the fact that hes only doing it "for fun" while I would give up anything that I did "for fun" at the snap of a finger for him if I knew he was passionate about it. Wouldn't you agree? Is that too much? I really don't understand why its such a big deal ! Plus, whats the point of smoking once in a while? Do you actually get anything out of it??? Is there any way to convince him that its pointless??? Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 Originally posted by ally000 Its not that its "hard" like many of you have said, cause he wasnt a smoker for very long, only a year or two to start off with. What?? His addiction is chemical not emotional, it doesn't take long to be addicted. I assure you, it is very hard. Wouldn't you agree? Is that too much? I really don't understand why its such a big deal ! Plus, whats the point of smoking once in a while? Do you actually get anything out of it??? Is there any way to convince him that its pointless??? 1. No, I would not agree. 2. It is a big deal because he is addicted to smoking. It rewires the way you experience pleasure, and is difficult to quit. 3. It's not what you get out of it at this point, it's what you give into it if you fail to indulge. 4. Is there any way to convince you that cigarette addiction is a legitimate hardship? You should read up on it, before you assume. Perhaps begin smoking yourself, and see if your willpower is as strong as you think. If smoking were easy to stop, people would stop. Link to post Share on other sites
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