If there is one thing that bothers me...

[djentleman]

... it's that I was deemed an abuser when my relationship came to an end. I was told "you should never put your hands on a woman."

 

Two wrongs do not make a right, but an individual can only take so much. I do not recall ever initiating the act of physical violence between the two of us (that's not denial), and I'd like to think that every situation that occurred was in my own, personal self-defense. I'd been called names, and I would retort by calling names. I'd been grappled and not wanting someone to be fighting against me (situations where I needed to step out to go for a drive/clear my mind), I would grapple in return. Been slapped and punched, and slapped and punched back.

 

Is this a case of just incompatibility, where two individuals bring out the worst in one another? My ex had a history of anger-management. She deemed herself "sober" though, every argument that ensued resorted in her yelling, talking over me and interrupting, and getting in my face. She was bold, domineering, jealous, and had a history of fighting in high school — she is now in her third year of college — be it with females and males. On the other hand, I'd only had one physical confrontation back in middle school, which is almost (15) years ago, and had never resorted to getting physical.

 

I don't want my ex's words to haunt me, because I do feel guilt in mirroring what my ex gave me. My mother is ill-tempered, verbally and had been physically abusive in the past, and... though my environment certainly helped weaken me, I almost feel like I let it control the way I would react when my passive nature failed. The ex came from tough love, was heckled by her mother when she'd cry... so I became the recipient to her emotions and instability. I accepted it without a fight, but slowly, it began to damage things.

 

So, for peace of mind: was this just a bad situation and doomed from the beginning? Because I retaliated, am I really the one completely at fault here?

[Art_Critic]

Because I retaliated, am I really the one completely at fault here?

 

IMO..at fault.. yes.. completely no..

she bears some responsibilty in helping to escalate the arguement..

 

If you ever touched her in anger then you did commit domestic violence..

If you ever hit her then you committed domestic violence.

If you ever hit her back then you committed domestic violence.

 

In my first marriage I was an abused husband and I can tell you that I never once hit my then wife.. I also never put my hands on her ever..

Instead I made sure there was always a door behind me when I entered a room she was in and I left when she started throwing things, calling me names or hitting me.

 

I divorced her because of this...

 

THEY are responsible for what they do and say and YOU are responsible for how you react to it..

 

If you reacted in a retaliatory manner then yes you were part of the problem.

[txsilkysmoothe]

No, you're not completely at fault for the violence in the relationship. You are completely responsible for your actions. I can maybe, almost sympathize with ONE instance of you being slapped or punched, losing control and responding in kind.

 

A man that is truly uncomfortable with hitting a woman would walk after being pushed or reduced to such a point the FIRST time. By remaining in the relationship, fight after fight, you defined yourself as a man who feels it's acceptable (justifiable) to hit a woman.

 

I know of men who had violent wives and they never hit them. They divorced them.

[djentleman]

Art_Critic, thank you.

 

It's not that I'm seeking closure, or trying to justify the means of what happened between her and I, but at the same time, it will put my mind at ease to know this wasn't entirely my full responsibility. It took both of us to screw it up and bring it to those levels, for sure. We both lost control, but there's no other way I could look at myself outside of simply a monster lately... but that just didn't seem right.

 

No matter if I was outweighed, out-strengthened, and was the one baring bruises in the aftermath... I did retaliate.

[djentleman]

No, you're not completely at fault for the violence in the relationship. You are completely responsible for your actions. I can maybe, almost sympathize with ONE instance of you being slapped or punched, losing control and responding in kind.

 

A man that is truly uncomfortable with hitting a woman would walk after being pushed or reduced to such a point the FIRST time. By remaining in the relationship, fight after fight, you defined yourself as a man who feels it's acceptable (justifiable) to hit a woman.

 

I know of men who had violent wives and they never hit them. They divorced them.

 

What you say makes a lot more sense to me now than the old excuse of "maybe things will get better as we mature as adults?" We dealt with an age gap, where ten years from now, it's likely that it wouldn't matter — the immaturity of both of us certainly killed it. But, I think the naivety of "true love" is what was keeping us "united," and that severely blinded the judgement of seeing the situation at the time as unhealthy. There were points where I would leave, and retreat to my mother's in exile when these situations occurred, but I'd go back. She would blame me, because me leaving, to her, defined how much I cared. Really, it was my attempt to avoid letting any potential rift escalate beyond what I knew it possibly could. Knowing that, I should have known better.

 

It's not a case of 'fortunately,' but the only slapping/punching incident happened over two years ago. In all my life, even with the only fight I was in, I'd never been coldly punched (in the face) in the midst of an argument. I did retaliate. At that point, following scenarios usually resulted with a table overturned at me, something thrown at me, and either me being wrestled in the doorway as I tried to leave or being pushed out the door.

[Tayla]

Even adults have a level that pushes intolerance. One has the right to defend themselves. Sorry but sometimes even self defense can bring a certain discomfort to the attacker. I had a self defense course and believe it or not some of the guys in the class were taking it because they considered it a last resort in seeking help in defending themselves when the wife was tossing things or causing physical injury. I found it noble of them and really they wanted to defend themselves from harm. It was a respectable class and even the teacher warned it was to be used for good and not as a method to harm or injure.

I question why is it okay for a female to harm a man yet a man is to be *above* it and be the wimp. Sorry but I do not believe in physical harm by any party, I do believe that you were NOT entirely at fault as we each have a level to which we must admit we are primal and will defend ourselves.

[PutTheBlameOnMame]

Pick a better girl next time. You know one that isn't crazy.