Why are girls so stupid!?

[Kage111]

Here's a simple story:

Boy meets girl, they strike up a great friendship. They go out and do stuff a lot as friends and get to know each other. Everyone is happy.

Then, one day, girl says "Did you know I used to like you? I never told you because I didn't want to ruin our friendship, and I'm glad I didn't."

This wouldn't be so bad if it didn't describe nearly every girl I befriend, or that I've been hopelessly single for over a year.

I guess it's just really frustrating. Why can't girls find themselves capable of being friends first? It's like as soon as they become friends with a guy he's undatable. Am I just getting really unlucky with the girls I find, or am I doing something wrong? Because I can only do friends first.

[Taramere]

Might want to think up a new title and start again if you want your thread to be a reasonably productive one. Just a friendly suggestion

[SarahRose]

What does that make you?

 

You keep doing the same thing over that doesn't work expecting a different result.

 

If you are making friends with a girl and not telling them you are interested in them and hoping things will turn romantic, that never happens.

 

You have to ask a girl out for a date and let her know you are interested in her romantically.

[somedude81]

Never go friends first. It just doesn't work. Either she doesn't want to tell you that she likes you or she quickly loses interest in you if you don't make a move.

 

Meet a girl, hint that you want to be with her, be physical but not sleezy, kiss her. All that should be done in less than a months time of meeting her.

[ADF]

If you would retract the word "stupid," you might actually have a valid question here.

 

I think what you are running up against is an idea, common among women but almost unknown among men, that sex somehow dirties relationships, that it makes them less pure and therefore less valuable. What utter rubbish. When women say things like, "I was attracted to you, but I didn't want to ruin our friendship," what men hear is, "It's really too bad I liked you so much. If I hadn't, maybe you would have had a chance with me." WHAT???

 

I don't pretend to understand it. But By calling women "stupid," all you're going to do is alienate people who might have an answer for you.

[CarrieT]

Because they are GIRLS who are learning how to interact with BOYS.

 

Women do not do this with Men. It is called maturity and experience.

 

You will learn the difference when you grow up.

[norajane]

am I doing something wrong?

 

Yes, you are. You aren't asking them out on dates, thereby placing yourself firmly in the friend category. And the longer you stay in the friends category without flirting and asking them out, the deeper the friendship develops and the less they see you as a dating prospect until they lose interest altogether.

 

 

I think what you are running up against is an idea, common among women but almost unknown among men, that sex somehow dirties relationships, that it makes them less pure and therefore less valuable. What utter rubbish. When women say things like, "I was attracted to you, but I didn't want to ruin our friendship," what men hear is, "It's really too bad I liked you so much. If I hadn't, maybe you would have had a chance with me." WHAT???

 

Disagree. When a woman says that about ruining the friendship, she means, "If we had started dating, it's likely that our friendship would have ended if the dating relationship didn't work out. Because almost ALL dating relationships don't work out, except for the one that ends up in marriage, right? And staying friends after that doesn't work because the entire dynamic changed."

 

It has nothing to do with sex dirtying anythng, except in fwb cases.

[somedude81]

Because they are GIRLS who are learning how to interact with BOYS.

 

Women do not do this with Men. It is called maturity and experience.

 

You will learn the difference when you grow up.

Sorry, but that advice isn't helpful in the slightest.

 

You can't expect somebody to wait till they are 30+ to start dating.

[ADF]

Disagree. When a woman says that about ruining the friendship, she means, "If we had started dating, it's likely that our friendship would have ended if the dating relationship didn't work out. Because almost ALL dating relationships don't work out, except for the one that ends up in marriage, right? And staying friends after that doesn't work because the entire dynamic changed."

 

It has nothing to do with sex dirtying anythng, except in fwb cases.

 

Sorry, but the fastest, surest way to ruin a friendship with a man who asks you out is to say, "I just don't want to ruin our friendship." It is one of the most panful things a man can hear.

[norajane]

Sorry, but the fastest, surest way to ruin a friendship with a man who asks you out is to say, "I just don't want to ruin our friendship." It is one of the most panful things a man can hear.

 

And that's why a guy should be flirting and asking her out in the beginning, when they meet and first get to know each other. BEFORE there's a friendship to ruin, and BEFORE she's lost interest as a dating prospect and put you in the friend zone.

[ADF]

And that's why a guy should be flirting and asking her out in the beginning, when they meet and first get to know each other. BEFORE there's a friendship to ruin, and BEFORE she's lost interest as a dating prospect and put you in the friend zone.

 

Good point. Fair enough.

[Kage111]

My bad on the language I used in the topic head.

I originally came to this site over a year ago for the "Breaks and Breaking Up" message board where the people are a lot more bitter towards the opposite sex. Guess I still need to get out of that mindset.

 

Anyways, it seems everyone just says "friends first doesn't work."

I just can't seem to wrap my brain around the concept that I should already be showing interest without knowing I want to be with that person.

For some reason, the mental attraction doesn't happen for me until about a month in, when I start noticing that we'd be pretty good together... but I guess that's when she starts realizing she doesn't want to lose what we made? Everyone seems to say "don't base everything on looks," but it seems that if I don't act solely on that, I miss my chance!

 

And ADF said exactly what I interpreted her saying:

"It's really too bad I liked you so much. If I hadn't, maybe you would have had a chance with me."

I still can't comprehend the logic behind this.

[DreamerGirl27]

OP So you are saying you wanted her to tell you that she liked you? Apparently I'm stupid for telling a guy right away that I DID like him. I told a guy this and he told me he didn't like me like that.

 

I can't win, either.

[somedude81]

Anyways, it seems everyone just says "friends first doesn't work."

I just can't seem to wrap my brain around the concept that I should already be showing interest without knowing I want to be with that person.

I am the exact same way. I need a month to decide if I want to date a woman or not. The problem with this is that women decide much quicker.

 

Here's what you can do. Flirt with anybody you think is attractive. If you can imagine yourself having sex with them and the seem like they could be a cool person, ask them out. Make a physical move, then decide if you'd want a relationship.

 

After many 'friendships' with girls that never went anywhere, that is my new outlook on life.

 

If you want to get a little more insight in what is happening read ladder therory

[Eeyore79]

If you're interested in a girl, you have to make it clear from the beginning. Being her friend will only place you firmly in the friend category, which is pretty much inescapable. You need to clarify your intentions towards her from the beginning; she has to see you as a dating prospect, not as a friend.

 

This particular girl told you that she liked you, but you never made a move so she ended up just seeing you as a friend. If you had made a move at the beginning, she probably would have dated you.

[doomage]

The question is, if you have interest in these girls why do you become their friend? Your putting yourself in that category because your playing it safe, try showing some intent on your side, and if they don't reciprocate, then either befriend them or move on without them. Don't play the victim role, it's not the girl's fault, it is your own.