Why some people NEVER cheat...

[OFGnomore]

I thought this question would be great to ask of ALL BSs. My H is in this category. No matter how sh*tty things were in our M, he would never choose this. Period. He get's enraged when he reads books that say we're all suseptible to infidelity. Bullsh*t he delcares. Some people would never do this no matter what. I can name a few BW&BHs on this board that I think fall into this category. If you feel comfortable, can you explain what's in you that you would just NEVER do this? Not revenge, lack of sex, growing apart etc.

 

I think for anyone considering a mature, real reconcillation, they first must understand that their WS has some inherant flaws. Not just some, oops I stuck my * in another woman, my bad. (like they spilled a glass of milk or something) Affairs (not ONS), IMO, are never mistakes. They are a series of really bad decision making based on something deep -wound/issue/character flaw. It's reality. A BS needs to really see it for what it is and see some real action not just keeping the pants to determine the why this happened. The WS needs to be self motivated to do some a internal work as to the why. That usually means a confession on their own accord and the desire for IC, again on their own accord. They need to seek and take responsibility for their own growth.

[jwi71]

This is easy.

 

I made commitment, through sickness and health, for richer or poorer....

 

I meant it.

 

I like easy Q's....

[joey66]

I'm not a BS, but I would like to respond anyway. I was one of those people who thought I would never, ever consider such a thing. I was wrong.

 

I do believe that anyone is susceptible. But, I can see that a BS, after having experienced the pain of betrayal, might not be.

[Spark1111]

Never even considered it as an option, ever!

 

Thought about divorce on more than one occasion,and asked for counseling, which he always refused as if they would find fault with him.

 

So I went alone, gained strength, rolled my sleeves up and went to work on the marriage.

 

In retrospect, there were insinuations and flirting and whatever to entice me to, to see if I would step outside the boundaries of marriage.

 

They terrified and disgusted me and I not only told my husband, I ceased all contact with the person who attempted to seduce me.

 

I have amazingly strong ethical boundaries. Apparently, he did not.

 

And while I can accept the character flaw, weakness, theory, I have in my head a timelime for yes, him to grow stronger and self-aware.

 

Otherwise, I cannot do this anymore.

[TaraMaiden]

I would never cheat.

I think marriage is outdated, and I don't believe people are programmed to be monogamous, I believe they're conditioned to be.

Desire is completely natural

Commitment - and fidelity - is a choice.

I choose to never, ever be unfaithful to my partner, quite simply because the negative consequences far outweigh the advantages.

If indeed, one could argue that any exist.

[Chris68]

For me it is easy it goes against my morals and ethics, I do not have the time, energy or want to carry on more than one relationship. It may be easier for me than some because I am an intovert ( and socialy inept) and most likely would catch on that someone was comming on to me and I do not have the ability to pursue someone as an example with my wife we were friends (through sports) one night I asked her if she would like to take it to the next level when she said no my answer was ok we can stay at just friends. She changed her mind about 2 weeks later and had to tell me in straight out that she was interested in dating because I did not get the clues she was sending. Now according to all the books I have read I have a high chance of cheating (military, travel for work ect.) but they do not take into account personality traits.

[HappyAgain]

I'm a BS. My xH had cheated throughout our 15 year marriage whether it was an EA or a PA. I loved him even though he was a compulsive cheater. Yet I never once felt the need to cheat and I doubt that I ever will. yes, I found other men very attractive, had fantasies about some but to cross that line to becoming a cheater is just not possible for me. If I had ever felt enough of an attraction for someone else i would have left my marriage first. I would never be able to forgive myself as my marriage vows meant something to me. I didn't marry my xH to settle, I truly had loved him although I learned he never had loved me.

 

As it happened, when I felt like I could not carry on with his lack of love for me, I left. It was that simple - I did not prepare by having someone in the wings. I knew I wanted out, I wanted to find someone who truly loved me but I wanted to end the relationship I was in before even thinking about someone else.

 

It's just a matter of my personal integrity, to myself, and no one else. I wouldn't care what someone else had to say about me if I were to cheat but I love myself enough to know I would hate myself for being so weak because I see cheaters as weak individuals with not much integrity. There are many reasons that a relationship may not work out but there is no reason to cheat - leave the R and then move onto someone else. Anything else says that I have no personal strength to resist the urge to cheat.

[bentnotbroken]

I am human. I have found other men attractive and I have more than my share of attention. But since my choice(even before I knew of Mr. Messy's cheating)was to honor my wedding vows of fidelity. I have done other things to hurt the marriage and damage him as a person. I have done things I am not proud of by any stretch of the imagination, but I have always believed that God intended for there to be 2 people and only 2 people in a marriage.

 

Didn't matter that he was abusive emotionally. It was my choice to stay and my choice to stay with him faithfully. I have talked extensively with my children about what they have witnessed over the last few years, from my end and their father's. I have asked them to consider what fidelity means to them before they consider a serious relationship or marriage. Someone else's life and sanity is nothing to play with or take lightly.

[joey66]

I thought this question would be great to ask of ALL BSs. My H is in this category. No matter how sh*tty things were in our M, he would never choose this. Period. He get's enraged when he reads books that say we're all suseptible to infidelity. Bullsh*t he delcares. Some people would never do this no matter what. I can name a few BW&BHs on this board that I think fall into this category. If you feel comfortable, can you explain what's in you that you would just NEVER do this? Not revenge, lack of sex, growing apart etc.

 

I also think the answer depends on what you mean by cheating. If you mean "having sex with someone else," then that definition is pretty clear and I believe there are people who would never cheat.

 

If you mean an EA, then I'm not sure exactly what the line is that defines cheating. And I think everyone is susceptible.

Edited May 3, 2010 by joey66
to add the final sentence

[Lizzie60]

Never say never...

 

It is, IMO, much easier for a woman to remain faithful.. they will sacrifice a lot for the sake of their family...

 

Men cheat mainly for the lack of sex (or boring sex)... most women, after a long relationship, don't mind being in a sexless relat...

 

And what I find amazing here and from what I hear in real life.. is women or men saying that their spouse would NEVER cheat... yeah right.. as if they are with them 24/7... a lot of those guys cheat on their work hours..

 

Plus those who say they will never cheat to their W.. well.. guess what.. they might be lying through their teeth..

 

I also believe that a lot of guys don't cheat because they just can't... they are either out of shape, have ED, or are plainly gross... so that would be easy for them to say that they would never cheat.. they know they can't.. (if they try to flirt with a decent woman.. they would get disgusting looks)..

[Owl]

Wow...

 

So women don't cheat because they can put up with more (or less) than men, but all men cheat unless they're too ugly/fat/disgusting to do so.

 

I'm glad I don't live in your world.

[SueBee3490]

My first marriage got to the point of living in H**L but cheating didn't enter my mind. I had more important things to worry about like my 3 kids, keeping my job and trying to survive my crumbling marriage. Forming another relationship with a man would just have been about the stupidest thing I could have done. I cared more about my children than to do that! I probably just didn't want to add another problem (like an affair) to my life.

[Woggle]

I don't cheat because I don't stab people in the back. I might insult them to their face but I won't stab them in the back. If a woman is not worth my commitment I would leave before I ever cheated.

[OFGnomore]

In retrospect, there were insinuations and flirting and whatever to entice me to, to see if I would step outside the boundaries of marriage.

 

QUOTE] This is when a firm boundary is set, not several months down, after the first kiss. So embarrassing to think that at my age, I could get into a situation like that. For me the biggest learning was bourndary setting and it's not nice to always be nice. And don't go try saving every poor soul that comes along looking for rescuing, it goes both ways for men and women who "need saving".

[quankanne]

I don't cheat because I don't stab people in the back. I might insult them to their face but I won't stab them in the back. If a woman is not worth my commitment I would leave before I ever cheated.

 

amen, Woggle – except that I wouldn't cheat on my husband. Has a lot to do with respecting the relationship, and ultimately choosing to do right by it. Why waste someone's time being in a relationship with them if you don't want to commit completely to it?

[redtail]

...

Affairs (not ONS), IMO, are never mistakes. They are a series of really bad decision making based on something deep -wound/issue/character flaw.

...

 

I am a former BS, I divorced her and have since remarried. Based on my experience, I think you hit the nail on the head with this, affairs don't just all of a sudden happen, there are a series of choices that have to be made, and at each decision, the WS could change their mind.

 

I have to say I think that I would never cheat, that doesn't mean that mentally I never go there. In the past I've had "opportunities" at work, etc that started and I nipped it in the bud. Just because it's not me, when I see that person that walks in and has sex with someone outside their marriage, it's just not me. And I also know how much it hurts, and I can't do that to someone I love. If things get that bad, then get a divorce.

[XKatieX]

You choose someone that you know you can be with forever, and love them unconditionally and you will never ever even think of cheating. It really is that simple, at least for me.

 

Now, for some people feelings can change, even in perfectly healthy relationships. If this happens, if you even have the mere thought of being with someone else, you need back out of the relationship immediately.

 

I don't understand why people feel the need to drag out the relationship or pretend that they still love the person when their feelings aren't there anymore.

[bentnotbroken]

Wow...

 

So women don't cheat because they can put up with more (or less) than men, but all men cheat unless they're too ugly/fat/disgusting to do so.

 

I'm glad I don't live in your world.

 

 

:eek:Me too!

[bentnotbroken]

I don't cheat because I don't stab people in the back. I might insult them to their face but I won't stab them in the back. If a woman is not worth my commitment I would leave before I ever cheated.

 

 

Amen Woggle.

[realworldexplorer]

I don't cheat because I would not be able to go back on my word, my word is my bond. I could not live with the everlasting view that my family/friends would have of me as being a liar, selfish and uncaring of other peoples well being. That view is forever whether cheaters believe it or not. You may be forgiven for your "mistake" but you will in truth always be judged. Who, in their right mind, would choose that destiny? Not me. But mostly, I wouldn't like myself, and no amount of self deception would correct that. I understand that what most view as true "soul mate" love exists temporarily in a fleeting fantasy land that is always going to fade. My "true love" will be a choice not a feeling.

[redtail]

...

Now, for some people feelings can change, even in perfectly healthy relationships. If this happens, if you even have the mere thought of being with someone else, you need back out of the relationship immediately.

...

 

Katie I think you're right on with your post. However, I don't exactly agree with the above statements. The feelings of love ebb and flow in a healthy relationship, I feel that's perfectly natural. But I think that if everybody bailed at "the mere thought of being with someone else", divorce rates would sky rocket.

 

Maybe this was just hyperbole to make a point, and it's a point that I agree with. Leave if you compeletly lost your feelings for someone, but don't cheat.

[redtail]

Wow...

 

So women don't cheat because they can put up with more (or less) than men, but all men cheat unless they're too ugly/fat/disgusting to do so.

 

I'm glad I don't live in your world.

:eek:Me too!

 

:eek:Me Three!

[2sunny]

i just wouldn't. it's not my nature to cause harm to others. i have a conscience - it tells me to DO the right thing... no matter how i feel - i do the right thing.

 

i like how integrity looks on me...

[blind_otter]

I cheated on partners in the past. I wouldn't do it anymore because I think it's a ridiculously absurd and infantile waste of emotional energy, when it's easy to end a relationship, even if it takes years to deal with the fallout from that.

 

Besides the fact that it's just plain repulsive to be dishonest, and I don't like feeling like I am repulsive.

[Just a stone's throw]

*applause*.... some of us just f-up and come out a better person on the other side. All benefit from it. We're lost and then found. Ever heard of the prodigal son (or daughter)?