Why some people NEVER cheat...

[blind_otter]

*applause*.... some of us just f-up and come out a better person on the other side. All benefit from it. We're lost and then found. Ever heard of the prodigal son (or daughter)?

 

Yes, and every time I hear the story I cry because it's true, whether you are into the judeo/christian thing or not.

[Just a stone's throw]

Yes, and every time I hear the story I cry because it's true, whether you are into the judeo/christian thing or not.

 

we posted simultaneously and that was not directed at you. please know that.

[bentnotbroken]

*applause*.... some of us just f-up and come out a better person on the other side. All benefit from it. We're lost and then found. Ever heard of the prodigal son (or daughter)?

 

 

The question was why you wouldn't cheat. But since you opened the door...let's think about this for a minute. Did anyone on here say they hadn't made mistakes or poor choices....nope not one. No one said anything about people not becoming better people after repenting. And the story of the prodigal son didn't include him hiding the truth from his father. Now back to the scheduled program.

[Luv2dance]

If you feel comfortable, can you explain what's in you that you would just NEVER do this?

 

I am guessing that a lot of those who have cheated probably said or thought they would NEVER do it either. I am sure there are serial cheaters and those who are just in it for the thrill who might know it's going to happen, but really I can't imagine anyone ever thinking that they could cheat.

 

I guess I've been through enough in life to know to NEVER say NEVER...

[hopesndreams]

Just as some people would shock the puppy and some wouldn't, it takes a certain kind of person to cheat. It takes a certain kind of person to shock the puppy.

 

Besides being disgusting and vile they are also of lower intelligence.

 

When Stanley Milgram published the results of his obedience experiment in 1963, it sent shockwaves through the scientific community. Other researchers found it hard to believe that people could be so easily manipulated, and they searched for any mistakes Milgram might have made. Charles Sheridan and Richard King theorized that perhaps Milgram's subjects had merely played along with the experiment because they realized the victim was faking his cries of pain. To test this possibility, Sheridan and King decided to repeat Milgram's experiment, introducing one significant difference. Instead of using an actor, they would use an actual victim who would really get shocked. Obviously they couldn't use a human for this purpose, so they used the next best thing — a cute, fluffy puppy.

 

Sheridan and King told their subjects — volunteers from an undergraduate psychology course — that the puppy was being trained to distinguish between a flickering and a steady light. It had to stand either to the right or the left depending on the cue from the light. If the animal failed to stand in the correct place, the subjects had to press a switch to shock it. As in the Milgram experiment, the shock level increased 15 volts for every wrong answer. But unlike the Milgram experiment, the puppy really was getting zapped.

 

As the voltage increased, the puppy first barked, then jumped up and down, and finally started howling with pain. The volunteers were horrified. They paced back and forth, hyperventilated, and gestured with their hands to show the puppy where to stand. Many openly wept. Yet the majority of them, twenty out of twenty-six, kept pushing the shock button right up to the maximum voltage.

 

Intriguingly, the six students who refused to go on were all men. All thirteen women who participated in the experiment obeyed right up until the end.

[Just a stone's throw]

The question was why you wouldn't cheat. But since you opened the door...let's think about this for a minute. Did anyone on here say they hadn't made mistakes or poor choices....nope not one. No one said anything about people not becoming better people after repenting. And the story of the prodigal son didn't include him hiding the truth from his father. Now back to the scheduled program.

 

 

I've made two replies and my internet has kicked them out for timing. Suffice it to say that some cheaters make some pretty awesome life decisions. Bad decisions on keeping within their marriage.

 

no intent to T/J.

 

I think people don't cheat because they have really good role models who show them the benefits of staying within their boudaries of their vows. I think that some stay because they feel safe and happy and feel no need to do anything different.

 

I think others do stay because they have no other option.

 

I think some stay despite a huge temptation becuase they have extreme integrity and self worth. I applaud them.

[Katerina]

I loved my H... He was everything to me... There were "us" before there were children, so even after we started having children, my H was still so very important to me. I left my home country for him, my family & friends, he was my closest friend... Even when he ignored me and I felt lonely, the thought of an affair made me feel sick, mostly because I was horrified to think how much I would hurt him... and also that I could lose the life I knew - my husband, our family... I actually had all of these thoughts WHILE HE WAS F***ing a girl 10 years younger than me for 1.5 yrs! What an idiot I was! But, to answer your question... I would have never cheated because 1) I loved my H, 2) because I thought he loved me and I would never ever want to hurt him by having an affair, 3) and because most of all I was afraid to risk losing him. This is why he had an affair, it hurt like hell that he didn't even consider me or how much he was hurting me even when I didn't know.

[bentnotbroken]

I am guessing that a lot of those who have cheated probably said or thought they would NEVER do it either. I am sure there are serial cheaters and those who are just in it for the thrill who might know it's going to happen, but really I can't imagine anyone ever thinking that they could cheat.

 

I guess I've been through enough in life to know to NEVER say NEVER...

 

 

I have been through a good bit myself. I can say I will never cheat or molest a child...just two of the things I can say never to. Now would I say I will never kill, I know my personality and I believe under the right conditions, with the right excuse, I could blow someone away without a second thought.

[RedDevil66]

Wow...

 

So women don't cheat because they can put up with more (or less) than men, but all men cheat unless they're too ugly/fat/disgusting to do so.

 

I'm glad I don't live in your world.

 

ditto!!!! truly baffling

[RedDevil66]

I cheated on partners in the past. I wouldn't do it anymore because I think it's a ridiculously absurd and infantile waste of emotional energy, when it's easy to end a relationship, even if it takes years to deal with the fallout from that.

 

Besides the fact that it's just plain repulsive to be dishonest, and I don't like feeling like I am repulsive.

 

I relate to this post

I cheated 12 yrs ago on an ex with a married guy and I've been cheated on.

When I cheated, I was emotionally crippled, immature and spiritual lost

The cheated bit me in the rear, I was in so much pain and I walked away the wiser.

It took me years of spiritual growth to realize how repulsive my actions where.

I can say with as much certainty as the sky is blue, that I will never cheat again. And I can tell you, my relationship now has been a TOUGH go and I've focused on making it better and not running out to fill my childish needs.

[Samantha0905]

Just as some people would shock the puppy and some wouldn't, it takes a certain kind of person to cheat. It takes a certain kind of person to shock the puppy.

 

Besides being disgusting and vile they are also of lower intelligence.

 

Cheating doesn't any more take a certain kind of person than the kind of person it took to commit any of the sins/wrongs you've committed. By that I mean, it doesn't take a lesser person than yourself. We are all sinners or, if you're not religious -- we all do things we feel are bad decisions. Circumstances lead to vulnerabilities and at times we are weaker and may fall prey to temptation.

 

It may turn out these very things end up being a life lesson and we grow from the choices.

 

There's nothing intelligent about referring to your fellow human beings as disgusting, vile or being arrogant enough to assume they are of lower intelligence.

 

Main Entry: ar·ro·gance

Pronunciation: \ˈer-ə-gən(t)s, ˈa-rə-\

Function: noun

Date: 14th century

: an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions

 

 

 

I'm going with the never say never crowd and as I've said many times before....... I prefer to focus on taking the beam out of my own eye.

 

If you've learned from your cheating experiences that's great. Hopefully, you would never cheat again. There's no way to know until you don't and you die.

 

If you've been hurt so badly, you're sure you would never -- well, perhaps that will work out for you -- but you cannot predict exactly what you would do in the future given a particular set of circumstances.

 

 

I still go with the never say never crowd regardless .....

[MadMission]

"If you feel comfortable, can you explain what's in you that you would just NEVER do this?"

 

 

I am honest, genuine, loyal. I am not a 'needy' person. Am low maintanance. I do not need a constant stream of validation to feel OK about myself. I am realistic, rational, and level-headed. I do not feel 'entitled.' Nor do I feel 'above the rules.' I am very black & white...thus, I am either 100% IN or not in at all. I know the difference between right and wrong. I am not shallow. I am not impulsive. I hate drama. I avoid bullsh*t if at all possible. I do not like being the center of attention, nor do I need or enjoy a lot of ego stroking. I am not a selfish person. I am forgiving of myself...and others. I am a happy person independent of others, thus I do nor rely on anyone to 'make' me happy.

 

All of this plays a role in my ability to remain loyal and comitted in a long term relationship...with it's ups and downs...good times and bad. And, it all plays a role in my inability to betray or be unfaithful. It's just not in me to do something like that. I can say that with 100% confidence.

 

It's not the opportunity or the circumstances or the marital issues which lead to betrayal and infidelity. It's the PERSON themselves...something in their 'wiring' which predisposes and allows them to do it. I do not have that kind of wiring. So, even in the 'best' of opportunities, I have not, nor would I ever cheat.

[califnan]

"If you feel comfortable, can you explain what's in you that you would just NEVER do this?"

 

 

I am honest, genuine, loyal. I am not a 'needy' person. Am low maintanance. I do not need a constant stream of validation to feel OK about myself. I am realistic, rational, and level-headed. I do not feel 'entitled.' Nor do I feel 'above the rules.' I am very black & white...thus, I am either 100% IN or not in at all. I know the difference between right and wrong. I am not shallow. I am not impulsive. I hate drama. I avoid bullsh*t if at all possible. I do not like being the center of attention, nor do I need or enjoy a lot of ego stroking. I am not a selfish person. I am forgiving of myself...and others. I am a happy person independent of others, thus I do nor rely on anyone to 'make' me happy.

 

All of this plays a role in my ability to remain loyal and comitted in a long term relationship...with it's ups and downs...good times and bad. And, it all plays a role in my inability to betray or be unfaithful. It's just not in me to do something like that. I can say that with 100% confidence.

 

It's not the opportunity or the circumstances or the marital issues which lead to betrayal and infidelity. It's the PERSON themselves...something in their 'wiring' which predisposes and allows them to do it. I do not have that kind of wiring. So, even in the 'best' of opportunities, I have not, nor would I ever cheat.

 

-----------------------

 

B I I N G O ... I Like this post.! .

[bentnotbroken]

It is typically the crowd that has strayed that says, "never say never". Yet they assume because they and there circumstances and excuses would garner the same response from others. Depending on upbringing, life experiences, coping mechanisms, maturity level, weighing of options, and the need some feel never to hurt others in such an inhuman way...one can say never. A person who has decided within themselves never to put themselves in a position to act upon vulnerabilities aid in maintaining the choice of not cheating. There was more than one decision made to get one to the act of cheating. More than one lie told to cover. More than one plan to met and do whatever.

 

There are steps that can be taken to avoid the "slippery slope" in the first place. Yet so many think they can walk the line and not fall. I don't need to walk the line to find out if I will fail. If some one tells me there is a pit of vipers on the other side of the rock and I see bodies lying near the rock, why would I want to go see if I can avoid being bitten too? Just don't go there. But again, I am black and white in perspective and I can say no, never. I would rather glue my own vagina shut.

[bananalaffytaffy]

I'm confused. You say you can agree without a doubt that you (meaning Sam here, but could be anybody) would not commit incest, but you say that you disagree with Bent about never cheating.

 

I would never commit incest nor adultery, because I consider the two to be just as heinous.

So because of that, I feel very confident in saying never to either one.

[califnan]

Never argue with a woman who mows her own lawn..

[sweetjasmine]

We're all products of our circumstances and our circumstances change throughout life.

 

And what we do about our circumstances is up to us and no one else. We're not just products of one thing or another. We're responsible for making our own choices.

[Pyro]

Its just plain wrong.

 

I witnessed my Dads reaction to my Mom cheating on him after 18 years of marriage and it wasn't pretty. I could never put anyone through that kind of pain.

 

If I ever wanted to have sex with someone other than my SO then I would break up with her first. No one deserves that kind of pain.

[CarrieT]

My Ex used to cry in my arms about how hurt and broken he was when he learned that both his Father and Grandfather had destroyed their families with affairs and that he would NEVER do that to me because he knew how damaging it was to those innocent parties.

 

Guess what? That acorn didn't fall far from that tree and that was what truly devastated me. I was so blind to all the signs of his cheating but never could believe he could do that because of how much it had hurt him (his father left his mother, married the OW who actually murdered him nine months later -- it was a 20/20 show at one point).

 

I will admit to coming close to cheating; I had an emotional affair with this most recent Ex and the very moment I was meeting him to consummate our three-week email exchange, I walked out on him and went home to immediately confess to my BF of 12 years. The EA was hard enough for him and I justified that I at least couldn't go through the PA without confessing. I led myself to the water, but didn't let myself drink...

[Samantha0905]

Never argue with a woman who mows her own lawn..

 

or with one who reads, breathes, plays jacks.....

 

Your posts make me smile.

[Samantha0905]

And what we do about our circumstances is up to us and no one else. We're not just products of one thing or another. We're responsible for making our own choices.

 

Sure it is, Jasmine. And sometimes -- each and every one of us makes a wrong choice. None of us are impervious to that and we all are in a particular place in life when we make our choices. My point is we can all be vulnerable at a given moment. It's easy to say one would be strong no matter what -- until they are in that moment of discontent for whatever reason -- and reasons come up in the strongest of long term relationships -- then someone comes along to make them feel better in the moment.

 

It's not right, but it can happen. Even to the naysayers.

Edited May 4, 2010 by Samantha0905

[seren]

I always say I am not religious although I would love Faith. The reason I say this is because there are huge bits of the Bible that just don't sit right with me, and I cannot just take bits out that suit me and leave others in, I am a very black or white person. It either is or isn't, no grey areas, that way I and those around me know exactly what's what. No lies, no nonsense, no breaking of truths, just honesty.

There are obviously times when a line or boundary is pushed, Father Christmas, Tooth Fairy aside (from a previous thread about truth).

 

I wouldn't, couldn't ever hurt another person intentionally, it goes against everything I believe in, my moral code, the rules I live by, so yes, I can say this with utter and total conviction. If I met someone I felt love, lust for and I wanted an A, it would mean to me that my marriage was in trouble and would take steps to fix it - or not, and leave. It really is that easy. So, for people who say, don't say never, I say that is your world, your reality, your moral code - not mine.

[sweetjasmine]

Sure it is, Jasmine. And sometimes -- each and every one of us makes a wrong choice. None of us are impervious to that and we all are in a particular place in life when we make our choices.

 

I agree with that. I just mean to say that there isn't some set of specific circumstances that is going to make every single person cheat. It's not as if when conditions x, y, and z are filled, any and every person will make the choice to cheat. (And I don't think you're necessarily suggesting that, btw.)

 

It's not right, but it can happen. Even to the naysayers.

 

Sure. It could happen to anyone, but it won't necessarily happen to everyone.

[Iconoclast]

I guess i'm selfish. I do it for myself. I can look in the mirror everyday and say "i'm a good person" and know it's true, that feels good. Not that I actually do that everyday, that'd be weird, but you get my drift.

 

I do it for my wife, the kindest, most squeeze-tacular person I know. A tear in her eye for any reason and i'm blubbering too. She is an angel. Her mere presence makes this world a better place.

 

I do it for my children, i'm establishing normal for them, they are witness to daily compliments and affection....and fart jokes.

 

I do it 'cause suck at lying. I have a bad memory. You don't have to remember the truth. It's the easy way out. Think I might be lazy too.

 

I've never cheated in 47 years, a good run, 'bout halfway there, don't want to blow it before the finish line.

 

I'm happy. Why mess that up?

[joey66]

Just as some people would shock the puppy and some wouldn't, it takes a certain kind of person to cheat. It takes a certain kind of person to shock the puppy.

 

Besides being disgusting and vile they are also of lower intelligence.

 

I don't know about shocking puppies, but cheating in a relationship and intelligence are not related. Smart people cheat. Dumb people cheat.