Why some people NEVER cheat...

[seren]

I don't know about shocking puppies, but cheating in a relationship and intelligence are not related. Smart people cheat. Dumb people cheat.

 

It's not the IQ of a person that's in question in A's it's the moral compass, the not hurting others that matters - don't have to be smart to work out that any relationship where someone has to lie to another is just so not smart or nice.

 

It can be dressed up whatever way you like, I know some people are in horrendous relationships and feel that it justifies the cheating. In my world, there is no justification for hurting another, if you want to be with someone else, leave.

[Luv2dance]

Well, I said...never say never and I have not cheated. Actually, I was looking at it from the standpoint of my spouse since the OP was talking about how her spouse would never cheat. My spouse is the most loyal person I know and I feel very confident that he would never cheat however I also know that no one is immune. Maybe because I know people and have read about those on LS that I am sure are not heinous people who have been involved in affairs.

 

I do believe that there is a character flaw in those who cheat, and it is a choice that some are able to without a doubt NEVER choose to make. It seems that those who live in a black & white world KNOW they would never cheat, and I do think this makes a person more prone to be judgemental. (even if you don't call it that)

 

Sure it is, Jasmine. And sometimes -- each and every one of us makes a wrong choice. None of us are impervious to that and we all are in a particular place in life when we make our choices. My point is we can all be vulnerable at a given moment. It's easy to say one would be strong no matter what -- until they are in that moment of discontent for whatever reason -- and reasons come up in the strongest of long term relationships -- then someone comes along to make them feel better in the moment.

 

It's not right, but it can happen. Even to the naysayers.

 

I guess this is my thinking also! It is very easy to say I would just leave my relationship if things got bad, but from personal experience I can say it is just not that simple. Does it mean I have to or will cheat no it doesnt, but I am almost afraid that if I say I am too good, too moral to cheat I am asking for trouble. But, maybe that's just my screwed up, insecure head talking. I will say I am much more on guard of what could happen after being on LS and reading stories!!

[bentnotbroken]

Sure it is, Jasmine. And sometimes -- each and every one of us makes a wrong choice. None of us are impervious to that and we all are in a particular place in life when we make our choices. My point is we can all be vulnerable at a given moment. It's easy to say one would be strong no matter what -- until they are in that moment of discontent for whatever reason -- and reasons come up in the strongest of long term relationships -- then someone comes along to make them feel better in the moment.

 

It's not right, but it can happen. Even to the naysayers.

 

 

Your assumption is that it hadn't already happened...more than once. It isn't the circumstances or a person making you feel good, it is about the decision of what will I do with this. During the turmoil of my marriage, the thoughts of cheating came and went. The attractions came and went. Sure there were others who tried to capitalize, maybe I wanted them to. The decision was mine not to. Don't always assume that those who have cheated were in some unique situation that those who haven't cheated could know nothing about. Don't assume that those who did remain faithful didn't have the opportunity or even the desire. It is easier to believe that they have never been in that situation, but it isn't so. Again the choice was made by each of us to cheat or not cheat. The situations of the world aren't new or exclusive. The choices make the difference.

[bentnotbroken]

We agree here!

 

 

 

Because your life isn't over yet. That's why. I believe right now you think you would never cheat. I believe that wholeheartedly. As for believing there are some people who will cheat regardless of the circumstances, is there a reason you hold out absolutely no hope for some people? Isn't Hope what it's about?

 

 

 

Good.

 

 

 

He also said 70 X 7. And it is not your place to judge who may be willing to renew and repent. It's not your place. Everything happens in God's time.

 

 

 

That's not respect. That's intolerance and I don't ignore what others have to say. I don't mean that flippantly -- I just don't. We're all God's children -- all special -- all loved by Him. I don't need you to be convinced of my stance, nor do I need to be convinced of yours. All of that is pride. We can each learn from one another and that's the wonderful thing about all of us being individuals.

 

 

 

 

That post was not about what you said -- those were things Mad said. Nothing against Mad. Just responding. If I quoted improperly I apologize. I think I indicated the particular things Mad said, but perhaps I did not indicate which quote was yours.

 

 

No go back and read, those were the things I said. And the word of God does say I have the right to say wrong is wrong. I don't have the right to punish. Understanding judging is one of the things most people don't get. Judgement is laying down punishment with it. I can't nor want to do that. I ignore what I consider compounding behaviors that enable wrong doers. And yes I am intorlerant of a lot of things. Drugs, rape and lying. I would suspect you are intolerable of some things too, they are just different than the things I don't care for.

Edited May 4, 2010 by bentnotbroken

[Eeyore79]

I don't cheat because I don't stab people in the back. I might insult them to their face but I won't stab them in the back. If a woman is not worth my commitment I would leave before I ever cheated.

*applauds* Well said, Woggle!

 

If you no longer want to be in a relationship with someone, you should end it, especially if you're interested in someone else... it's the only decent thing to do. In fact, if your relationship isn't working then you should end it, irrespective of whether you're attracted to someone else or not. In my book, you're either into someone or you're not... if you're into them then you don't cheat, if you're not into them then you leave.

 

I can understand why people cheat... their current relationship is comfortable but not ideal, but they're tied into it and find it difficult to leave. Cheaters want to retain the benefits of their current relationship (i.e. living with their kids, avoiding a divorce, continuing to have a roommate to share the bills and provide sex, not upsetting the family, etc) while still having a relationship with someone new. Sometimes cheating IS easier than dissolving your current relationship, especially when you consider that the new relationship might not work out and you'll be left high and dry. I'm not condoning cheating, just saying I understand why people do it.

[Samantha0905]

No go back and read, those were the things I said. And the word of God does say I have the right to say wrong is wrong. I don't have the right to punish. Understanding judging is one of the things most people don't get. Judgement is laying down punishment with it. I can't nor want to do that. I ignore what I consider compounding behaviors that enable wrong doers. And yes I am intorlerant of a lot of things. Drugs, rape and lying. I would suspect you are intolerable of some things too, they are just different than the things I don't care for.

 

If it's what you said, I apologize -- and I still mean what I said in reply.

 

I imagine we could be more alike than we may think -- no way to tell, as we don't know each other.

 

In any event, as I've said everything is situational. That's my point and I think there are a lot of things people may feel they would never do and then they do.

 

I don't mean they definitely will. I don't mean they definitely won't. I just don't think it's possible to know what we will do in the future given a particular set of circumstances.

[xxoo]

I think people don't cheat because they have really good role models who show them the benefits of staying within their boudaries of their vows. I think that some stay because they feel safe and happy and feel no need to do anything different. .

 

These are the reasons I don't cheat, and the reasons I believe my H does not cheat. With the exception that it isn't about vows, but about commitments made.

 

Another reason: I'm not much of a risk taker. It would be difficult for me to go into a cheating situation expecting a good outcome. The risks seem massive and likely from my point of view. Imagining my partner's face after hearing that I had betrayed him.... what a turn off. I suspect that this is a personality difference between people that cheat and people who don't, on the whole.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I'm just curious if the " NEVER SAY NEVER" sayers believe that there is anything they could say that they would NEVER do.

 

Cheating is one for me, but there are other's as well. I have control over my actions. I have control over myself, and my CH has taught me a strong lesson about having control over my feelings, but still, I can say that I would NEVER cheat.

 

I wasn't raised to act on my desires at someone else's expense, this applies to things besides cheating for me, even cheating on a cheater.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I suspect that this is a personality difference between people that cheat and people who don't, on the whole.

 

xxoo, I completely agree. Especially for serial cheaters. Most of the excitement lies in the risk and the chase.

[silktricks]

No matter how sh*tty things were in our M, he would never choose this. Period. .

 

I believe I fall in this category now, but in my deep long ago past I did cheat. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror for a great many years afterward. I learned what I can do, and what I can't, and still be "me". I know what kind of actions are dangerous for me to indulge in. I know what brought me to the edge and will never go even close to that place again.

 

But to answer your question, yes, I think there are people who will never under any circumstances cheat, but I do not necessarily think that makes them inherently "better people". They won't cheat, but will they demean their spouse in other ways, belittle them, reduce them? Will they devote all their time to other pursuits, whether those be hobbies or careers or even children?

 

There are a number of reasons for cheating, and one of those reasons is a reaction to pain - maybe the pain has nothing to do with their mate - and maybe it does. It's a terrible coping mechanism that strews the damage to everyone, but nonetheless, it is one of the things that people in pain do... they "share the wealth" (I do think that serial cheaters are in a different category, though...)

 

There are no easy answers, and no one size fits all in life.

[MadMission]

 

That post was not about what you said -- those were things Mad said. Nothing against Mad. Just responding. If I quoted improperly I apologize. I think I indicated the particular things Mad said, but perhaps I did not indicate which quote was yours.

 

Sam, the quote below is something I never said, yet you attached my name to it. Not sure how that happend. I never said the following:

 

"Originally Posted by Mad

Depending on upbringing, life experiences, coping mechanisms, maturity level, weighing of options, and the need some feel never to hurt others in such an inhuman way...one can say never."

 

It was bentnotbroken who said it. Not me.

Edited May 4, 2010 by MadMission

[howcouldInotknow]

I agree with people who never say never. Women who say my husband would never cheat, don't say that I have known many a woman who have had to eat those words. There are men who appear to be perfect husbands and paragons of manhood and guess what you run into them somewhere far from home and guess what they are cheaters. Don't put your neck on the chopping block for anyone by saying he will never cheat.

[Katerina]

I disagree on the "low intelligence" comment. One thing my H (who cheated) is not is stupid, or of "low intelligence". In fact, it really amazes me to this day that he, so intelligent in any other way, did not choose to "do the right thing". Intelligence has nothing to do with it.

[MadMission]

I disagree on the "low intelligence" comment. One thing my H (who cheated) is not is stupid, or of "low intelligence". In fact, it really amazes me to this day that he, so intelligent in any other way, did not choose to "do the right thing". Intelligence has nothing to do with it.

 

So true, Katerina. As a matter of fact, some people who are very highly intelligent have a sense of being superior...entitled...and 'above the rules.'

This is not my opinion, but something brought to my attention long ago by an 'infidelity expert.' And, he described my WH to a 't.'

My WH is mensa intelligent...IQ = 155.

And, his high intelligence was very useful for carefully and skillfully deceiving and manipulating me over the course of years. Very smart...very smooth...I never suspected a thing.

[Katerina]

And, his high intelligence was very useful for carefully and skillfully deceiving and manipulating me over the course of years. Very smart...very smooth...I never suspected a thing.

 

Exactly! Even though I suspected things, he still got me fooled, as he did everyone else around him. And he took pride in that too.

[Eeyore79]

Cheating isn't anything to do with intelligence imo. My ex cheated on me, and he has a PhD. I'm ashamed to admit that I have cheated in the past too, and I have a PhD.

 

I think it's more to do with your moral compass, as someone else said. It's pure selfishness - when I cheated, I only thought about what I wanted, and didn't think about how hurt the other person would be. I didn't have enough respect for the other person not to cheat on them; I put my own desires first. Now I'd like to think I've changed and become less selfish; I have more respect for other people's feelings, and if I was no longer into a relationship I'd break it off instead of cheating (and have done that with my last two relationships).

[Eve]

I dont think that I could cheat on my Hubby. I think that the whole logistical side of things would highlight how silly the whole thing is part way through the venture and I wouldnt see it through. For example, 'Babes, I am just going to the shop to get some chinese ribs..' Then proceed to have sex with some other person... and go home and act as though nothing has happened?

 

Nah.. that is pure deceit!! I wouldnt even feel comfortable meeting someone without having chatted about the meeting with my Hubby in the first instance, never mind actually sharing an emotional bond or having sex with them.

 

I couldnt live with myself.

 

I have long since thought that those who have affairs are by and large opportunists who enjoy secrets and power play over others.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Samantha0905]

Sam, the quote below is something I never said, yet you attached my name to it. Not sure how that happend. I never said the following:

 

"Originally Posted by Mad

Depending on upbringing, life experiences, coping mechanisms, maturity level, weighing of options, and the need some feel never to hurt others in such an inhuman way...one can say never."

 

It was bentnotbroken who said it. Not me.

 

I apologize. Bent pointed that out to me. I was up late studying and then logged in -- probably needed sleep as I was going crosseyed from reading!

[fooled once]

I thought this question would be great to ask of ALL BSs. My H is in this category. No matter how sh*tty things were in our M, he would never choose this. Period. He get's enraged when he reads books that say we're all suseptible to infidelity. Bullsh*t he delcares. Some people would never do this no matter what. I can name a few BW&BHs on this board that I think fall into this category. If you feel comfortable, can you explain what's in you that you would just NEVER do this? Not revenge, lack of sex, growing apart etc.

 

I think for anyone considering a mature, real reconcillation, they first must understand that their WS has some inherant flaws. Not just some, oops I stuck my * in another woman, my bad. (like they spilled a glass of milk or something) Affairs (not ONS), IMO, are never mistakes. They are a series of really bad decision making based on something deep -wound/issue/character flaw. It's reality. A BS needs to really see it for what it is and see some real action not just keeping the pants to determine the why this happened. The WS needs to be self motivated to do some a internal work as to the why. That usually means a confession on their own accord and the desire for IC, again on their own accord. They need to seek and take responsibility for their own growth.

 

I have never nor would I ever cheat on my spouse. It just isn't who I am.

 

My ex husband didn't cheat on me and he had every reason to (and I even TOLD him to find a girlfriend LOL).

 

My current H has never cheated - not on me nor on his first wife.

 

There are people who just don't cheat. If I wanted someone else besides my spouse, i would divorce. I don't understand why people think it is okay to cheat on someone they said vows to and I don't understand why some people don't get that some people just don't cheat.

[fooled once]

It is typically the crowd that has strayed that says, "never say never". Yet they assume because they and there circumstances and excuses would garner the same response from others. Depending on upbringing, life experiences, coping mechanisms, maturity level, weighing of options, and the need some feel never to hurt others in such an inhuman way...one can say never. A person who has decided within themselves never to put themselves in a position to act upon vulnerabilities aid in maintaining the choice of not cheating. There was more than one decision made to get one to the act of cheating. More than one lie told to cover. More than one plan to met and do whatever.

 

There are steps that can be taken to avoid the "slippery slope" in the first place. Yet so many think they can walk the line and not fall. I don't need to walk the line to find out if I will fail. If some one tells me there is a pit of vipers on the other side of the rock and I see bodies lying near the rock, why would I want to go see if I can avoid being bitten too? Just don't go there. But again, I am black and white in perspective and I can say no, never. I would rather glue my own vagina shut.

 

Excellent post Bent!! And I totally agree with you (as usual!!)

[Dexter Morgan]

I thought this question would be great to ask of ALL BSs. My H is in this category. No matter how sh*tty things were in our M, he would never choose this. Period. He get's enraged when he reads books that say we're all suseptible to infidelity. Bullsh*t he delcares.

 

I agree with your husband completely.

 

 

Some people would never do this no matter what. I can name a few BW&BHs on this board that I think fall into this category. If you feel comfortable, can you explain what's in you that you would just NEVER do this?

 

I'm not fickle for one thing.

I don't need validation from anyone.

If I am in love with someone, or at the very least like and respect someone, I am not going to be a jackass and mess around behind her back....if I don't respect her, I would be out the door.

 

 

I think for anyone considering a mature, real reconcillation, they first must understand that their WS has some inherant flaws. Not just some, oops I stuck my * in another woman, my bad. (like they spilled a glass of milk or something) Affairs (not ONS), IMO, are never mistakes.

 

one night stands aren't mistakes either. People screw each other because they want it, not because it was, "oops, thought you were my wife...sorry"

 

 

They are a series of really bad decision making based on something deep -wound/issue/character flaw. It's reality. A BS needs to really see it for what it is and see some real action not just keeping the pants to determine the why this happened.

 

for me, I don't care "why", all the matters is it did happen. Because to ask why gets you one of basically 2 things.

 

1) the cheater will blame their spouse/bf/gf for their cheating

 

or

 

2) the BS will find out some "flaw" in the cheater....but what does that really change? What does it really matter if a WS says, "its not you....its me"? The end result is still the same....the person you thought you knew betrayed you and now you know they are more than capable of it.

 

 

 

The WS needs to be self motivated to do some a internal work as to the why.

 

Thats all fine and dandy, but I think they also need to lose the person they betrayed......maybe then it will really sink in.

[silktricks]

She said she used to say she'd never be involved in an affair. I'm sure she's of the "never say never" belief - now that she has to somehow feel okay about what she's done.

 

uh yeah - she walks up stone cold to a married man she's never met before, says "You're so HOT!" but says she "used to say she'd never be involved in an affair" and now wants to play she's a victim.

 

That's priceless..

[whguy]

As a former BS, I have thoughts on this. Having been on the receiving end, I like to think that I would never put another human being through this. Especially one that I love and make very specific vows to.

 

Knowing the damage that it does, I know that I will have that on the forefront of my mind when any opportunity presents itself. And I've been around long enough to know that opportunity will. Unless you are simply hideous and obnoxious, temptation will be faced.

 

And if that's not enough, I'm going to work my ass off in every relationship from here on out to make sure that my focus is in the right spot and that my partner will never have a reason. And hope that my partner respects the vows as much as I do. And to be very frank in our discussions.

 

And if that's not enough and she strays, I'll know that and be able to move on and make decisions without regret. And if I stray down the road, I'll eat my words and live with the consequences. I'd be willing to bet my life that I won't, though.

[bentnotbroken]

Did I miss the post where someone mentioned the intelligence level of people who cheat? Could someone tell me where to look?

[Just a stone's throw]

Can't help it....

 

My Mom said if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all....

 

*.........*