Everyone needs to read this....

[mikeymad]

Sorry for the multiple threads as of late, but I felt this was important. I have no idea who originally posted this, but I found it through one of those "related" threads . It gives an interesting point of view. It should be a sticky...

 

 

Okay guys, so I was looking back at some old posts and I found this. I think that it's extremely therapeutic and uplifting.

 

I hope it helps ease some pain and anxiety! Even if just a little bit.

 

What to expect when you get dumped!

 

I was sure that absolutely no one in the world had ever, or would ever, experience the pain that I was feeling after my break up. Funny. On the internet, I found a virtual world full of folks who have gone through and experienced the same things and felt the same feelings that I did. That helped a lot.

 

So, for all you newbies who ask the questions, "Will the hurting ever stop," or "Will my ex come back," or "Why did he/she do this," this is how it typically goes down.

 

You two break up--doesn't matter who does it. You immediately panic and begin chasing, begging, pleading, harrassing, phoning, e-mailing, IMing, stalking (okay not all of them, just pick whichever one you did). Most of us will likely do some things during this stage that will make you cringe when you think back on it, say after about 3 months.

 

You lose weight. You neglect yourself, your house, your job (how many hours do we all log on this site while we are at work?). You drive your friends and family crazy talking about the break up. You cry at the drop of a dime. You can't even comprehend that your life might not again include that "special person." You begin putting them on a pedestal, forgetting all of the nagging things about them that used to drive you crazy. In your mind, they have become omnipotent, all encompasing, all everything.

 

You convince yourself that you are a loser who just screwed up a relationship with "the best person in the world." You KNOW without a doubt that you will never EVER love like that again. You know no one else will come along who even comes close to being as marvelous as your ex (excuse me while I chuckle to myself here). You wear a sad face for the world to see (you should see my work ID taken 2 days after my breakup, it's just pitiful).

 

They (the ex's) remain steadfast in their denial to get back together. Many of them leapfrog into new relationships, immediately being exclusive with a new person. For those that do leapfrog, they appear to just "replace" you with a new model. All of the things you two used to do, they now do with someone else. Bowling, cuddling watching television, motorcycle riding, antiquing. Whatever you two did, likely they will just begin doing those things with someone new.

 

You hear about them and their new life. You are desperate for any crumbs of news about their life. Many of us make things worse here by trying to use manipulation to get them back--yet they stay away from us like we are the plague.

 

For those of us who do still have contact with our ex's we begin selling ourselves short. Doing stupid things like allowing them access to our bodies and then wanting to strangle them afterward when they remind us that "Sex does not imply hope."

 

You, in further panic mode, begin frantically searching the internet using phrases such as "break ups," "divorce stopper," whatever. You stumble upon this site, because your curious and lo and behold, you find all of us folks in various stages of this whole breakup bullsh*t.

 

You voraciously read the posts. You search for news of those who "got their mates back." You're on the site constantly. You'll read the books and think "Ah I can do this. I can get this person back." You begin your "no contact" and for some of us, this will get a reaction from our ex's. For the rest, no contact is and will continue to be what you'll get and receive.

 

Time goes by. You'll do some stupid things. You'll call your ex when you shouldn't. You'll call when you've had to much to drink. You'll call even after 50 people on this site tell you not to. You'll show up on their doorstep, hating yourself all the time. Then you'll come back to this site and ask everyone to tell you why you were so stupid as to do whatever it was you did.

 

Then you'll get serious about no contact. This is where you LET GO , It'll hurt, but you try to stick to it. Here's the turning point for most. For those folks who have contact with their ex's, your no contact will either bring them sniffing curiously around or they'll be somewhere high fiving their friends thanking the God's that you haven't called.

 

Now's the tough time. Nothing but time works. Everday the ache in your heart grows a little less. It's only nanobits that it dies down by. But everyday it will get slowly better. You'll have setbacks. You'll run into your ex accidently. You'll run into mutual friends who'll tell you something about your ex that'll have you high-tailing it home for a good cry. You'll see your ex with their new "friend." You'll receive a phone call or an e-mail from your ex who "doesn't want to be in a relationship but still wants to be friends (with benefits if you allow).

 

Here's another important part. You need to truly sit down and truthfully look back at the relationship and understand what you did to help with it's demise. If you miss this part, you go through all the suffering for nothing because Buddy, you'll be back here again. This site is to teach you about you. To teach you how to be a better partner, a better person. Missing that lesson is detrimental to the whole process. It's the REASON that you're going through this. God (or whatever your higher power is) needed you to learn something about YOU. Don't miss out on the lesson.

 

Then one day you'll smile because you didn't immediately check your answering machine when you came in. And one day you'll decide to clean the muck that has accumulated in your house. And one day you'll go outside and admit to the universe that you surrender what control you thought you had.

 

And one day you'll decide to date again. And one day you'll go out on your first date and it will likely be a disaster. And then you'll either force yourself to continue dating or you'll decide that you aren't ready to date but you are ready to be out amongst people again. And many of you will have some quick reconcillations with your ex's. Many of us won't. But one day, it won't matter as much. Because time will allow you to catch yourself going minutes and then hours without thinking of the ex. And you'll begin to be able to think of life possibly without that person and not dissolve into a puddle of nothingness because of the thought.

 

And for most of us, sadly, life will go on without that mate. That's the truth, amigos. Don't want to dash your hopes but probably less than 3% of the people on this site get back with their mates. Sobering isn't it? But, as the site instructs, you must accept this before you can truly begin to heal or draw your ex back to you. For the lucky (maybe unlucky one's depending on how much work it will take to keep a mate that has wandered back) who get back with their ex's, many will find that the paradise they envisioned isn't reality and what they once thought was gold has a certain tarnish to it now. But they stay and try and make it work because it's comfortable or, if they are really lucky, it's meant to be.

 

But for most of us. Life goes on. And one day you'll find yourself having a gut busting laugh over something totally stupid and you'll think to yourself "I am getting better." And finally (thank God) you'll have sex with some new and find that a) if it wasn't good, at least you did it or b) it was so much better than with your ex you wonder why you waited so long to get back out there. And you'll know you're one the road to recovery.

 

I guess what I'm trying to convey here is, while each situation is unique, the characteristics of most of our situations are the same. Most of us will go through at least something that I've written here. So, when someone tells you on this site that time will help you get through it, believe them. When they tell you that "trust me, it will get better and you will stop hurting eventually," believe them. And when they give you good advice that your head understands but your heart rejects, take a moment to think before you react.

 

Don't beat yourself up if you do something that you wished you hadn't (calling, contacting, etc) WE ALL DID AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving of yourself. And most of all remember that being happily single is an alternative. Even if society is beating it into your head that you MUST have a mate, take some time to heal before going back out there. There are plenty of good people to love, but don't go back out there broken, jaded about love, etc. Accept realty. Experience the pain. Learn the lesson. Actively try to heal. Remember the person you were when you first met your ex and get that person back.

 

And the universe will take care of the rest."

[scottishlassy]

WOW! I really like this! It just sums it all up doesn't it.

[imagine]

Mikey,

 

I hope someone recently jilted will draw inspiration from this letter.

 

I would think that this epistle requires double exposure. The letter comments how quickly the reader will try to recover their marriage. I believe that they should understand the odds of failure in their situation.

 

Once that they have accepted their position -the fear is removed. A plan can be implemented. There is no guarantee that it will succeed, but without the fear, the odds get better.

 

There are quite a few successful plans on this forum. The 180 plan, divorce busters, Homer's and my favourite -marriage builders. I believe in putting in the effort. While it may not change the marriage, it will change you.

 

Quoting Winston Churchill from memory: "Never give up. Never give up. Never ever give up!"

[feelingfine]

Amen to that!! So very very true! It is easier to believe it after some time has passed! Its been almost a year now for me and I finally believe it. Hang in there everyone!

 

Feeling fine in Nebraska

[plowman]

Mikey,

That was awesome. I did so many of those things.

[Gunny376]

Most excellent and outstanding post mikeymad, and while if your read the spirit and the letter of the post you will find it in there ~ and that is that first and foremost? You need to work on yourself and in becoming the best you that you can possibly be.

 

And this should be front the jump off point before ever getting involved, engaged, married to anyone.

 

The first time marriage / divorce rate is somewhere around 50% and this is primarily because we tend to marry too young. We simply lack the relationship, communication skill set and experience to pull it off to begin with.

 

We never took the time to find out who and what we as individuals are about out. What to put in and what to leave out?

 

But buddy-boy, after a ten year old marriage that's gone south? Your not going to be knowing yourself like your going to know yourself now.

 

I see my psychologist for the first time in a month tomorrow. Between him and my Primary Care Provider they've got me on AD's and anxiety drugs. I was self medicating with alcohol. BIG TIME.

 

I have the to save that the anxiety drugs have been the biggest help of all in that they've helped me to finally bury the past in the past. Its not that I can't or couldn't handle the day to day? It was the PTSD that was kicking my @zz! Things that had gone down and that I had been through the course of my career in the Corps over the last twenty to thirty years. At the time I didn't have the time to deal with what was happening, I just had to act.

 

I'm not going to lie and say that I went from drinking to not drinking ~ but I'm down a good 90 to 95 % from where I was.

 

Over the past month of being on the drugs? I've buried the past where it belongs and I'm no longer nightly digging up bones of a past long dead and gone.

 

I'm more focused on the here, now and present and the future.

 

I know now that there are people (be they men or women) that are LTR, committed, dedicated to the bitter end, and then there are those aren't.

 

They're are way too many getting with the latter, and sitting around wondering why it didn't work.

 

Fact of the matter is? There are just some people not cut out to be in committed, LTR relationship. I personally think it runs about 50/50.

 

But one thing that I know for sure and certain? To thy own self be true. Find out who and what you are and about. If you need to be in a relationship to feel whole and complete? Then the absolute last thing you need is to be in is a relationship.

 

Until you can master being single, alone, and comfortable in your own skin? The absolute last thing you need is to be in a relationship.

 

Guns!

[You Go Girl]

"Remember the person you were when you first met your ex and get that person back."

 

This one line speaks volumes to me. No, I can't take the years and wrinkles that have formed after turning 40 away. But I do remember pictures of when I was just beginning to date him, and how much happier I was, and how happiness on a face is more beautiful to look at than worry and frowns on any face --anyday--young or old.

 

What I remember that I lost was the belief that all was well, all would work out, because it just would--no effort needed. I was loving life.

 

What bothers me is that I feel I can't ever get that innocence back again. That my eyes will never look at love the same. Is there a way to be wise and vulnerable at the same time? Is there a way to be realistic, grounded, and still believe all thing's possible?

If only I could grab her hand and say--sweetie, somebody needs to look out for you--and that person is YOU. If only I could have warned her.

Sorry to put a damper on your positive helping thread!

[mikeymad]

Ygg

Don't worry about it. It was meant to provoke thought, not necessarily give everyone a cavity from it's "sweetness".

 

The line you quoted was maybe one of the few lines I disagree with, but I wanted to post it unaltered by myself. Many of us were naive when we were married, young and dumb. We thought it was the greatest thing ever, the honeymoon would always last, and it would require zero effort. Boy were we wrong. We did things we shouldn't have, said things we shouldn't have, handled situations incorrectly...but we didn't know any better.

 

I don't want to go back to that person from before. Yes, they were more carefree and seemed to have more fun than I am right now, but they don't have the life experience and the ability to look inside like I do now. This time is extremely painful, but hopefully will pay off in spades if the OP is correct. Experience is learning from mistakes, both yours and others. We need to learn from others, because life is too short to make all those mistakes on our own...that's why LS is such a great resource. We never would've found this place had we stayed in la-la land.

 

Sometimes the only way to succeed is to fail. And sometimes the only way to succeed faster is to fail faster, to put their necks on the line and take chances. Unfortunately, that's the nature of love. To truly open yourself up to another person allows them the ability to destroy you. Somewhat cynical for me to say (having a really rough go today), but there is a very thin line between pain and pleasure, and sometimes they're indistinguishable...

Edited May 4, 2010 by mikeymad

[mikeymad]

and boys (and girls who have husbands who are like this) I'm reading this pretty dang good book called "no more mr nice guy". which talks about how being a "nice guy" doesn't mean you're actually nice, and how a lot of men turn into doormats and don't stand up for themselves, become passive/agressive, people pleasers/social chameleons etc. I happened across an e-copy. It has really opened my eyes as to behaviors that I had not only in my marriage life, but outside it. If you want me to share the copy with you PM me.

[professorTR]

Mikey,

 

I'd like a copy of that, but I can't PM you. Can you send me one perhaps?

[tnttim]

I'll PM you my e-mail address for that e book, thanks.

 

Your original post was great, I wish you had to read that before joining LS, it gives you a great prespective on what to expect.

 

The most important part of that in my eyes is the changing yourself part, holy sht ain't that the truth. A lot of us fail to realize that part before it's way too late to save our M.

 

On your e-book, I have found a happy medium between Mr. niceguy and Mr ashole, and I want to see how close I am to what what the book says. I put a lot of blame on my W's A on the fact I was a doormat, passive, pssy. Those days are long gone now. At this point I love my new life, and the new me. By no means does this mean I am not continuing to look inside and change what I can.

[worldgirl]

What I remember that I lost was the belief that all was well, all would work out, because it just would--no effort needed. I was loving life.

 

What bothers me is that I feel I can't ever get that innocence back again. That my eyes will never look at love the same. Is there a way to be wise and vulnerable at the same time? Is there a way to be realistic, grounded, and still believe all thing's possible?

If only I could grab her hand and say--sweetie, somebody needs to look out for you--and that person is YOU. If only I could have warned her.

Sorry to put a damper on your positive helping thread!

 

You Go Girl, this is so painfully true for me. The thread is helping and positive, and this I appreciate. But I think it's easier to experience recovery if a marriage/partnership has been for ten years or less and the person is under 40. (I don't mean it's easy! On the plus side for me, at least I don't have any child access issues and he fled the country, so I don't have to see him.)

 

But yeah, I spent 28 years with this person who has just shattered my future and as my closest, most trusted human being, torn me to shreds. It is impossible to stage a full recovery from that after most of my adult life (I was suddenly deserted on my 55th birthday). That's not being a pessimist, it's just that I was with him for most of my adult life. Sure I'm doing a course or two, trying to get out some, but I know there's no way anymore to believe all things are possible - and I definitely know I will never want to be vulnerable again (OK with wise).

 

Sometimes I just turn cold with horror, thinking of what has just happened to me. And no, I don't blame myself at all for the relationship's demise - that isn't always the case. My deserting husband had some serious mental health problems, my counsellors have helped me see, and the only thing I didn't do was spot this coming when it would have been less catastrophic for me to get out.

 

But it does go on, and I want it to. So I guess that's my answer.

 

 

 

 

 

I

[Gunny376]

Bump-Bump~

 

Most outstanding post!

[You Go Girl]

Thanks for reviving this thread guns.

I see what I wrote only a month ago, and I feel differently. I don't want to revive that girl I lost. I like me, now, as I am. I don't need to revive her because I have an optimistic attitude in the here and now.

 

Worldgirl--I missed your response to me, but I bet you've made some progress too!

[What_Next]

Fantastic post, thanks for bumping it back to life. So much of your post is of course common sense, but usually it only becomes visible after you go through it.

 

I've been through most of the emotions and actions you have detailed and I do feel like a fool for doing some of the things I did. I take some solice in realizing that I was not the only person on the planet that did them.

 

I am very grateful to have found this community. At first I used it as the resource you alluded to, in order to find a way to prevent my marriage from ending. Well I've learned that there is no resource in the world that can do that. That it must come from within and between my STBX and I. Right now I am using it as a distraction honestly, sometimes just to help the day pass by. Also perhaps as a bit of a sounding board.

 

With the help of the MANY wonderful members around here I am slowly making improvments and at least when we try MC next week I'll be in a better head space.

 

As you say, it does get easier; day by day.

[trippi1432]

I love this post and it is so true...for the most part, I am over my ex....it wasn't that hard looking back at how horribly we treated each other....the moving forward part is the scary part. It's not falling into that same pitfall again with that same type of person if the relationship was really bad.

 

I wouldn't call that holding on, I think I would call that holding out for something better one day....hopefully....sigh. :o:o

[LoveTruthChaos]

 

What bothers me is that I feel I can't ever get that innocence back again. That my eyes will never look at love the same. Is there a way to be wise and vulnerable at the same time? Is there a way to be realistic, grounded, and still believe all thing's possible?

 

I know this is an old thread, but I feel compelled to respond. You ask if there's a way to be wise and vulnerable all at once? That person is me. I am both those things, which sounds like a walking contradiction, but it's definitely me!

 

Unfortunately in the sense of my last relationship, I was too wise for him and too vulnerable for him to want to be with me. And he can stick it too. I like me, and he missed out

[mikeymad]

Time to bump this thread back to the top. If you are new here, take the time to read this.

[Fern]

Thankyou for posting this...

[debtman]

mikeymad, fabulous post...much needed...thanks for bumping...still got an e-copy of that Mr. Niceguy book? Would love to read it...

 

Thanks...