Should He hlepme or not

[SarahRose]

We've had a lot of unexpected expenses due to travel for a sick relative who passed away and recently moving. I'm behind on my bills. Should my husband help me get caught up since he has the money to do so?

[JustLooking123]

Based on this limited info, yes, probably so. I'm guessing there's more to it, though.

[giotto]

yes, isn't marriage all about sharing?

[SarahRose]

I think it is about sharing.

 

As I have said before we have been married a little less than a year.

 

We still have all of our finances separate. I just realized that between the two of us we have 5 bank accounts and all of those really isn't necessary.

 

I asked him if he thought we should get rid of the majority of them and have a joint account and combine our money and he said, you want to do that? and I said yeah and that was the end of that conversation.

 

Then I asked him to borrow 1000 to cover my bills and he keeps saying ok but it has been two weeks now and he hasn't transferred any money over and I asked him several times.

 

It kind of make me feel sad because I am the one who earns the most and I have always helped him with money and things.

[xxoo]

He wants to have joint accounts?

 

Great. Combine the accounts, and pay the debt from the joint account.

 

I don't understand "borrowing" money from a spouse. Are you on the same team or not?

[SarahRose]

He wants to have joint accounts?

 

Great. Combine the accounts, and pay the debt from the joint account.

 

I don't understand "borrowing" money from a spouse. Are you on the same team or not?

 

No I don't think he does want joint accounts.

 

I don't understand the borrowing either but he stills talks about his money and my money which is a bit silly since we are married.

 

I can't help but feel fine be that way but don't ask me for anything when my income skyrockets again.

 

I could talk to him about it again but not sure what to say.

[make me believe]

This is a really strange situation. OF COURSE your husband should help you out with "your" bills! They shouldn't be considered "your" bills singular, they should be considered your bills plural -- meaning yours & your husbands. Having separate finances when you're married doesn't make sense to me. I know it's somewhat common nowadays, but when you marry you become a team and you most definitely should not have to "borrow" money from your spouse!

 

Why doesn't he want to have a joint account?

 

I can't help but feel fine be that way but don't ask me for anything when my income skyrockets again.

 

You should sit him down and explain the resentment that is building up because of this issue.

[SarahRose]

This is a really strange situation. OF COURSE your husband should help you out with "your" bills! They shouldn't be considered "your" bills singular, they should be considered your bills plural -- meaning yours & your husbands. Having separate finances when you're married doesn't make sense to me. I know it's somewhat common nowadays, but when you marry you become a team and you most definitely should not have to "borrow" money from your spouse!

 

Why doesn't he want to have a joint account?

 

 

 

You should sit him down and explain the resentment that is building up because of this issue.

 

This is what he has told me about MY bills.

 

He doesn't drive so therefore it is my car and my expense. He certainly does enjoy me hauling him around in the fancy car though. We both use public transport to work but I drive us to the train station every morning and I pay to park etc.

[Enema]

I am an advocate of "his" money, "her" money and "your" money in marriages. (unless there are kids and a SAHP(parent) involved.

 

When you both have your own real jobs, I think three accounts are needed:

 

- 1 joint account for shared bills

- 2 separate accounts for your own earnings and paying bills specific to yourself

 

That said - I think your husband is being slack in not lending you the money. Only you could tell us if he's doing this on purpose, or if he's a generally forgetful guy and it's just slipped his mind that you asked for money.

 

I lend my wife money when she needs it and expect it back again. I might forget to leave money out if she asked the day before, because I don't have a great memory and need her to prompt me.

 

It sounds like the car you have should be a shared expense, unless you bought something significantly more expensive than he was comfortable with.

[just_some_guy]

I am not a fan at all of joint accounts. I prefer to split the bills by income % and keep the money separate. Joint accounts suck, it's just a way to focus anger over every other damn thing onto the money.

 

You'll need to have a talk with your husband about this.

 

One of the things I have found frustrating in marriage is a conversation that goes like this:

 

"I'm going to need some money this month. Will you write me a check?"

 

"Ok, tell me how much you need?"

 

"Well I bought some shoes and new drapes. And the drapes were important because the old ones were all sunbleached and worn out."

 

"Ok, so how much do you need?" (checkbook in hand)

 

"The shoes were for uncle bob's funeral because I wore that dress and the shoes that went with it were not right for a somber occasion."

 

"Uh, ok. How much do I write the check out for?"

 

"Well the Visa card is due on the 15th bit it isn't the big one. The Mastercard is due on the 23rd and I get paid before then, but I won't have enough to pay it off if I pay off the the other one too. Then the electric bill that I usually pay won't be due until the 8th. That's why I need the money."

 

"Ok. I have to go to work now."

 

 

It's kind of like, "I'm cold!" somehow translating to "Will you turn up the heat a little?"

 

The other thing is if you have an agreed to understanding about how money is budgeted and you're breaking it, then maybe he is right to let you fret over your own spending habits. I never complained about how my wife spent money, or on what. Only that she had a plan to pay for things when she bought them and we do not carry balances from month to month. Debt is bad. A plan can consist of, "I want to spend some of our savings for this...".

Edited May 4, 2010 by just_some_guy

[Cinnamon2000]

We've had a lot of unexpected expenses due to travel for a sick relative who passed away and recently moving. I'm behind on my bills. Should my husband help me get caught up since he has the money to do so?

 

I feel like the two of you were and are not ready for marriage.

[Ann_Igma]

This is what he has told me about MY bills.

 

He doesn't drive so therefore it is my car and my expense. He certainly does enjoy me hauling him around in the fancy car though. We both use public transport to work but I drive us to the train station every morning and I pay to park etc.

 

Charge him for car trips and for half the parking fees. Seriously. If he is going to be that petty about money when you two are married, be petty right back.

[Ronni_W]

We still have all of our finances separate.

MarriageBuilders.com has a 'financial decisions' article (under "Quick Clicks" menu on right-hand side of page.) There's also 'financial support' under the "Emotional Needs" section.

[SarahRose]

Charge him for car trips and for half the parking fees. Seriously. If he is going to be that petty about money when you two are married, be petty right back.

 

Well I had the chance to be petty about me driving all the time. it gets really old.

 

We just moved and when I got off of work I went over to the old house to clean and get the rest of the things out.

 

We both take the public transit and he has managed to talk his workmate into giving a ride almost to the house so he can save the $3 train fare back home.

 

So we pack up and he is hungry and I am just going to eat at home so I stop by a fast food for him and wait.

 

We get home and then he realizes the cats have no food. I really don't want to go back out. I worked a very long day and I am tired. I said I wasn't going back out. He refuses to learn how to drive and he said he doesn't need to learn and that walking is fine for him.

 

LOL well he didn't want to walk down to the store to get the cat food. I would say it is a 20 minute walk. No big deal.

 

He thought I would just jump in the car and drive him down to the store like I always do but this time, I just said no.

[just_some_guy]

We don't know where Sarah lives. In most of the USA, everyone drives and it is unusual for someone not to. In other countries, this isn't so. Driving/owning a car is not something everyone does.

[SarahRose]

We don't know where Sarah lives. In most of the USA, everyone drives and it is unusual for someone not to. In other countries, this isn't so. Driving/owning a car is not something everyone does.

 

Exactly, I live in Australia and the obsession with driving isn't like the US. There are quite a few people who don't get their driver's license until mid 20s. Public transport is very good here but I would still like him to learn to drive.

[just_some_guy]

Exactly, I live in Australia and the obsession with driving isn't like the US. There are quite a few people who don't get their driver's license until mid 20s. Public transport is very good here but I would still like him to learn to drive.

 

It's not exactly an obsession as it is a necessity in the US. We're a very big country, very spread out, with lots of people all over the place, and we don't have much in the way of a public transport system in most places. Nor would it work in most places either.

 

While Oz is a big landmass, the population is small and concentrated in a few urban centers.

 

(sorry for the off-track thread)

[SarahRose]

It's not exactly an obsession as it is a necessity in the US. We're a very big country, very spread out, with lots of people all over the place, and we don't have much in the way of a public transport system in most places. Nor would it work in most places either.

 

While Oz is a big landmass, the population is small and concentrated in a few urban centers.

 

(sorry for the off-track thread)

 

Yeah, I am American.

[stillafool]

We've had a lot of unexpected expenses due to travel for a sick relative who passed away and recently moving. I'm behind on my bills. Should my husband help me get caught up since he has the money to do so?

 

 

Absolutely or you do not need him. If you can't depend on him to help you when he has the resources what good is he, you may as well be alone.

[SarahRose]

Ok here is the update. He still hasn't given me any money to cover my bills. I have $60 in the bank and have a $200 car payment to make on Friday and the registration is due in a week.

 

I asked him again last night and asked him for less and he said that I needed less than before and that his money was going down and down.

 

I said what do you mean your money. I thought it was our money. He didn't say anything nor did he give me the money.

 

I failed to mention that during the 6 days I had off work to travel to the sick relative of his, I found out I didn't even get paid for this! So I was a whole week short on my paycheck.

 

I told my husband that too.

 

Then the hotel room I paid for double billed me so I had to call them up and get that straightened out. He didn't do anything to help.

 

So now our internet bill is all messed up since we just moved into our new house and it seems they are charging up 3 times for the internet. He wants ME to call and get it sorted out. I told him I would but frankly as I am sitting here thinking about it, I'm not going to do it.

 

He is bugging to get started on remodeling this place but I am dragging my feet as we just don't have the money to do it right now. I don't know if he sees that or not??

 

I have taken steps to get out of the financial mess as in got my money back on the cc, put my car up for sale, and am starting to look for a higher paying job. I am feeling more angry and resentful though. I took this much lower paying job as it was an opportunity to move into upper management and gain the skills there and then later on go back into consulting at this level. It is part of my career plan and he seems unsupportive of it.

 

I feel everything was fine and dandy when I was bringing in bucket loads of money but now I am in a bind, he isn't there for me.

[SarahRose]

Umm no response at all to this??

[Enema]

I don't know how to help Sarah.

 

Based on what we read here, he seems like a stingy, leeching, insensitive, uncompromising, selfish jerk.

 

He should definitely be helping you with the money and you shouldn't have to hound him for it. If you let him treat you like this, you are telling him it's ok.

[asrgal]

ummm...marriage two become one?

I would think you shouldn't have to ask! It is a given, or at least he should offer...weird

 

My bf and I are in a LDR and he is helping paying my stuff while I am waiting to start my new job, and we are not married.

 

You need to have a talk with him!

[asrgal]

Oh and by the way....I would just hand him all the bills and say "you take care of it, since I have no money" and see if he is ready to talk about it.

He needs to step up and be a husband/partner.

 

How about a joint account all the bills incl. food etc. and each keep one for your personal stuff, just to get started...

[SarahRose]

Thanks for the replies. I guess maybe I am mainly looking for support here as I really don't have anyone to talk to about this.

 

He finally gives me some money. This is after asking him maybe 6-7 times for it.

 

Then he says I can do whatever I want about staying with this lower paying job or not.

 

I just find myself so resentful and sad about all of this. I feel he isn't there for me and has really let me down.

 

He didn't have any problem loaning his leechy sister money and she didn't have to beg him for it either. It isn't like he didn't have extra with 5 figures sitting in the bank.