Should He hlepme or not

[SarahRose]

Ok I might as well have good vent while I have the chance.

 

I have decided that I am just going to look out for myself from now on. I am working my way up in a very successful career. There will be a time he wants something from me and I will just ignore it.

 

I have never asked him for a dime. And now these past 2 months I have had a very hard time with money and he just acts like I am just supposed to figure it out myself. I feel hung out to dry to fend for myself.

 

I am half tempted to look for a job out of state just to get away from here.

[Cinnamon2000]

Ok I might as well have good vent while I have the chance.

 

I have decided that I am just going to look out for myself from now on. I am working my way up in a very successful career. There will be a time he wants something from me and I will just ignore it.

 

I have never asked him for a dime. And now these past 2 months I have had a very hard time with money and he just acts like I am just supposed to figure it out myself. I feel hung out to dry to fend for myself.

 

I am half tempted to look for a job out of state just to get away from here.

 

I just don't understand why people get married like going on a casual lunch date with a friend. It's a life long commitment of for better or worse.

 

I would be pissed if a good friend of mine do to me what your H do to you. He is supposed to give you his kidney if you need one.

[JustLooking123]

How long have you been married? Together? What was your relationship like pre-marriage?

[xxoo]

I feel everything was fine and dandy when I was bringing in bucket loads of money but now I am in a bind, he isn't there for me.

 

It sounds like he is showing you who he really is, and what he really values

 

Ok I might as well have good vent while I have the chance.

 

I have decided that I am just going to look out for myself from now on. I am working my way up in a very successful career. There will be a time he wants something from me and I will just ignore it.

 

I have never asked him for a dime. And now these past 2 months I have had a very hard time with money and he just acts like I am just supposed to figure it out myself. I feel hung out to dry to fend for myself.

 

I am half tempted to look for a job out of state just to get away from here.

 

Fair enough response. But....is this a marriage? Where will this lead? It sounds like it is a step in separating, dissolving the attachment.

 

If you are really leading in that direction, you should probably try MC now, before you add a whole bunch of new issues. See if you can get back on the same page. And, if not, at least you'll know where you stand.

[SarahRose]

I just don't understand why people get married like going on a casual lunch date with a friend. It's a life long commitment of for better or worse.

 

I would be pissed if a good friend of mine do to me what your H do to you. He is supposed to give you his kidney if you need one.

 

I was really serious about the marriage and have been trying hard with it. I don't think he takes it seriously really.

[SarahRose]

How long have you been married? Together? What was your relationship like pre-marriage?

 

We almost married for one year and together 5 years. I always thought we had a pretty good relationship before.

[SarahRose]

It sounds like he is showing you who he really is, and what he really values

 

 

 

Fair enough response. But....is this a marriage? Where will this lead? It sounds like it is a step in separating, dissolving the attachment.

 

If you are really leading in that direction, you should probably try MC now, before you add a whole bunch of new issues. See if you can get back on the same page. And, if not, at least you'll know where you stand.

 

 

I was going to MC until the sick relative but will go back when I can afford it again. He hasn't gone yet.

 

I do feel a bit used so he could sit back and pad HIS net worth.

 

My kids were here visiting and the grocery bill was just insane and he didn't contribute a dime.

 

He considers these things my expenses as it has nothing to do with him. Like my car payment, my health insurance, I bought all the appliances and furniture.

 

So he pays a portion of the rent and utilities and internet and I am paying the rest because I chose to buy and have these things. I imagine he enjoys the use of the washer, drier, car, etc.

 

Oh he did pay for half of an air con but was reluctant to do that and complained that it didn't benefit him so why should he have to pay.

 

We took a short vacation last year which I paid for and he complained the entire time. I just expected him to pay for the gas and the fun and we fought over it as he told me he didn't want to go on the vacation so he shouldn't have to pay for it.

 

We bought this house and he did put the down payment on it. So he did do that.

 

I;m off sick today and he takes off too and he thinks I am going to get dressed and drive him down to the old house to finish up the last bit of work on it. I;m not.

 

The time I took my last vacation time and he was working he expected me to get up and take him to the train station at 7am. He didn't ever consider that i may like to sleep in late on MY vacation. Now when he had the time off he laid in bed and I walked down to the train station and he didn't seem a bit concerned about me doing it but if he has to walk I hear a bunch of whining and complaining how far it is etc. but HE is the one who refuses to learn how to drive.

 

I'm sick today and feeling depressed so I am doing a bit of whinging today myself.

 

 

I do love him very much and we have a lot of fun together but this stuff just drives me nuts.

 

I wish I could think of a great snappy thing to say when he whinges about having to walk or about having to pay for something. I have tried the he gets benefit from me having the car but he will argue saying that he can walk just fine and that is good enough for him but then when it comes down to it he expects me to haul him around because he doesn't want to walk or pay for the bus or train.

[SarahRose]

OMG he insists I only asked him one time for the money and that he gave it to me right away! I don't think so! I would have been posting about it since the the 4th of this month! Sheesh!

 

So we got into a big fight about it and he says he is afraid to have a joint account as I would spend it all! OMFG! He has got to be joking. I said these 2 months was the only time I have ever been in a financial bind ever and he has the never to tell me well he has NEVER been in a financial bind! He says you make a lot more money than I do so I don't get why you are even in financial trouble at all. Ummm dude that is because I have normal expenses like a car, health insurance, etc. and I missed all that work that I didn't get paid for.

 

So I am home sick today and he decided to take the day off. I really wanted him to go to work as I just wanted a day to myself in peace and quiet ya know.

 

There was a tiny bit of things to do to the old place and we are supposed to turn the keys in tomorrow. I guess he thought I was just going to haul time down there to do it when I was sick. So he lays around all day long doesn;t bother to ask me if I need anything and then I was nice enough to order pizza and pay for it and then he decided at 7pm a night to go down to the old house and fix what needed to be done.

 

Anyway 10 minutes later he is calling me wanting to know when the next bus was and there wasn't any from there. So I knew he wasn't going to stop pestering me until i went down there to get him. So I drag myself out of bed to get him and start towards the old house. My vision was pretty blurry and I ran up on the sidewalk and he didn't seem to care. Not the least bit concerned. So then I told him I wasn't doing it and turned the car around and told him I wasn't going to wait around while he fixed some $10 raggedy old blind. I told him if it had been me in this situation he would have told me to figure it out myself or take a taxi and he says yeah because I don't drive. I told him it was kind of selfish he won't learn to drive. He said it wasn't and he just doesn't want to do it.

 

That is when we got into it. He said I started it and it was my fault and I had no right to be angry at him as he was just trying to do the right thing.

[CrayonAngel]

oh jeeze! this guy sounds like a big ball of sunshine! Did you see these obsessive signs in him before you were married? IF so, why the hell did you marry him? It sounds like you are miserable and I can imagine I would be too! I would suggest MC (marriage counseling) if that doesn't work divorce him, he has OCD for sure....this will only build up inside of you and TRUST ME you don't want that feeling that at any moment you are going to go ape ****! Good luck!

[xxoo]

OMG he insists I only asked him one time for the money and that he gave it to me right away! I don't think so! I would have been posting about it since the the 4th of this month! Sheesh!

 

So we got into a big fight about it and he says he is afraid to have a joint account as I would spend it all! OMFG! He has got to be joking. I said these 2 months was the only time I have ever been in a financial bind ever and he has the never to tell me well he has NEVER been in a financial bind! He says you make a lot more money than I do so I don't get why you are even in financial trouble at all. Ummm dude that is because I have normal expenses like a car, health insurance, etc. and I missed all that work that I didn't get paid for.

 

All this shows how very different your perspectives are. It is impossible to have a productive conversation if you are talking about reality A and he is talking about reality Z.

 

I'd try sitting down with a Family Budget spreadsheet--with his and hers income columns, expenses (and who pays each), and +/- balances for each person's income at the end of the month. At least you will both be seeing the same financial situation on paper.

 

And MC for sure! It sounds like he sees it as "yours" and "mine", while you see it as "ours". That's an important issue to explore. If he isn't invested in the relationship financially, is he invested in the relationship in other ways?

[SarahRose]

oh jeeze! this guy sounds like a big ball of sunshine! Did you see these obsessive signs in him before you were married? IF so, why the hell did you marry him? It sounds like you are miserable and I can imagine I would be too! I would suggest MC (marriage counseling) if that doesn't work divorce him, he has OCD for sure....this will only build up inside of you and TRUST ME you don't want that feeling that at any moment you are going to go ape ****! Good luck!

 

Where are you seeing the OCD? Just curious

[SarahRose]

All this shows how very different your perspectives are. It is impossible to have a productive conversation if you are talking about reality A and he is talking about reality Z.

 

I'd try sitting down with a Family Budget spreadsheet--with his and hers income columns, expenses (and who pays each), and +/- balances for each person's income at the end of the month. At least you will both be seeing the same financial situation on paper.

 

And MC for sure! It sounds like he sees it as "yours" and "mine", while you see it as "ours". That's an important issue to explore. If he isn't invested in the relationship financially, is he invested in the relationship in other ways?

 

Ok I'll try writing the budget out on paper when things calm down.

 

Yeah he does see it as yours and mine. I feel like a roommate sometimes.

[SarahRose]

I had a chance to sleep on all of this. He sleep on the couch but that isn't anything unusual for him

 

I really don't feel he is as committed to the marriage as I am. He still behaves very much like he is single. I think it is better than when we first got married but it is really hard to describe. I guess I always felt he was on the fence.

 

There were a few times I felt he was really there like when I came back from Hong Kong and he had missed me so much and when we were traveling to visit his sick mom and he told me how glad he was I was there and to see where he is from. It made me feel valued.

 

Then there is this house remodel stuff.

 

I haven't made any judgement about that as I am just waiting to see what he will do. I am skeptical because the last house he cut the grass twice the entire time we lived there. We we moved out I had to pay for professional gardener to come and clean the mess up. He is talking about doing the lawns up and having them perfect and he wants to plant a lawn up to the street. I am skeptical because this is a lot of hard work and I just can't see him doing it. I want to get a truckload of crushed gravel and rake it on and be done with it.

 

I can see him making all these wishes and me actually making it happen. That is how things usually go if things are to get done. I feel he is very passive when it comes to getting things done. He talked about how clean he is going to keep the new house and there is a pile of dirty dishes in the sink that he has created since we moved in and they will just sit there until I wash them. Nothing has been unpacked at the new house and if it is to be done I will do it.

 

But he complained that I didn't help pack or unpack the car and that he moved it all by himself?? Um I packed and unpacked plenty and arranged for the movers. As for the bits left for the last few car loads I packed and unpacked what I could as some of the stuff was just too heavy for me to lift.

 

He wants to spend all weekend going to the lowes type places here in Oz but there is so much to do at the new house already. I am not going this weekend. I'm going to stay home and unpack the stuff and work on the gardens. If he wants to go, he can take the bus over there.

 

I really don't know what to say to him as he seems to distort reality if I bother to say anything at all.

[Neutrino]

Umm no response at all to this??

 

Hi SaraRose, you come across like someone who can take a comment straight up, so IMO you married a (male) gold digging bitch.

 

You always help him out financially, you make all the arrangements, paid for them and did all the work to go visit HIS sick relative ???

 

I'd just tell him next time he wants to go somewhere or do something together it was up to him to book and pay. Does he have any debts you may now know of, and therefore may be skinned ?

 

I just now read your last post - had it been me - I would have dumped him in no time at all. If he doesn't consider it a privilege to be loved by you - he's a waste of oxygen.

Edited May 14, 2010 by Neutrino

[SarahRose]

Hi SaraRose, you come across like someone who can take a comment straight up, so IMO you married a (male) gold digging bitch.

 

You always help him out financially, you make all the arrangements, paid for them and did all the work to go visit HIS sick relative ???

 

I'd just tell him next time he wants to go somewhere or do something together it was up to him to book and pay. Does he have any debts you may now know of, and therefore may be skinned ?

 

I just now read your last post - had it been me - I would have dumped him in no time at all. If he doesn't consider it a privilege to be loved by you - he's a waste of oxygen.

 

He has no debts.

 

yeah I appreciate a straight forward post.

 

There were 2 trips to the sick relative. He paid for the airfare both times for both of us but I still had to put everything on my credit card as his was expired.

 

He paid for 3 days of one of the hotel rooms and I paid for 2. I paid for the rental car.

The 2nd trip I paid for the hotel and rental car.

 

I took care of everything though I made all the arrangements for the flights and hotel and car. I drove us to and from the airport and drove us all around the place and had to pay $120 in parking garage fees at the airport for both trips.

 

I found a mover and booked them. I called and had all the utilities transfered to the new house. I hire a gardener and housekeeper to clean up the old place before we left.

 

I was already on a very right budget and couldn't afford the trips or the time off work with no pay. I had 6 days of work that I did not get paid for.

 

His work wasn't going to give him the compassionate leave and I said by law they had to and looked up the information for him and printed it out to show his boss. He did get paid for the days he took off.

 

So here I am with about 2000 total extra expenses that I couldn't afford and short 6 days pay.

 

He never asks me for money but if I want anything I have to buy it. Like food, he will buy groceries mainly for himself because he walks and so he can't buy and carry much.

 

So I buy food and also buy all the cleaning supplies, toilet paper, laundry detergent and anything else for the house.

 

Like I said before I paid for all the appliances and furniture etc. He just wouldn't buy anything as he just doesn't care. He really would not care if he didn't have a refrigerator.

 

So that is how he has all this savings because he has no expenses other than a bit of rent and utilities and occasionally public transport while I have rent/mortgage, utilities, car payment, auto insurance, health insurance, gasoline, maint for car, daily train fare, credit card, cell phone, groceries

[SarahRose]

Well it is well after the time he got off work so I guess he is at the old house fixing the raggedy old blind.

 

He better figure out his own way to get here as my taxi service is out of business!

 

As for me, I am getting off the computer and start unpacking everything and putting it away. I bet he doesn't help me one bit.

[SarahRose]

Well I was going to keep unpacking but it is dark and I went to turn on a light and he has taken nearly every frickin light bulb out of the fixtures in the house?????? WTF? So I am sitting here in the dark like an idiot.

[Neutrino]

SaraRose, beyond the subject at hand - I seems to me there is a lot of disappointment and anger on your side.

 

Do you really see this marriage still going in 20 years from now ?

 

Had it been me - if I really loved him, I'd sit him down for one last serious attempt at finding the problem and fixing it.

 

If that doesn't work - the ball is in your court - are you willing to spend the rest of your life with this partner or not ?

[just_some_guy]

Well I was going to keep unpacking but it is dark and I went to turn on a light and he has taken nearly every frickin light bulb out of the fixtures in the house?????? WTF? So I am sitting here in the dark like an idiot.

 

Well, that's just weird.

 

Maybe it is time to see if it is too late to annul the marriage.

[SarahRose]

Ok now we are discussing the mortgage payment on our house. He thinks I should pay more than half because he paid the down payment. I say it's even as he never would have gotten this house without my income. Besides I can barely afford the bills I have.

[SarahRose]

Yeah and I figured out the budget and I'm in the hole 200 each month while he has 1300 left over each month.

[Cinnamon2000]

Yeah and I figured out the budget and I'm in the hole 200 each month while he has 1300 left over each month.

 

 

What kind of marriage is this? Do you keep track of who pays for dinner or do you even split the bills?

[giotto]

I pay the whole bloody lot! And I'm happy to pay it... it's a marriage, not a financial competition...

[SarahRose]

I pay the whole bloody lot! And I'm happy to pay it... it's a marriage, not a financial competition...

 

but you wife doesn't work does she?

[SarahRose]

What kind of marriage is this? Do you keep track of who pays for dinner or do you even split the bills?

 

Actually he does keep track. The only bills we split are the mortgage and utlities. I pay everthing else because he says they are MY bills. If you read the entire thread it explains that.