Should He hlepme or not

[SarahRose]

Do you want to throw him out of the house?

 

Not really. I just want him to do the right thing is all.

[LittleTiger]

Not really. I just want him to do the right thing is all.

 

What is 'the right thing' in your mind?

 

What does he need to do so that you enjoy being married to him again? (assuming you used to enjoy being married to him?)

[SarahRose]

What is 'the right thing' in your mind?

 

What does he need to do so that you enjoy being married to him again? (assuming you used to enjoy being married to him?)

 

 

Just act like he is invested in this marriage

 

First stopping with the his and her money bs

Picking up after himself and being more responsible for himself.

[LittleTiger]

Just act like he is invested in this marriage

 

First stopping with the his and her money bs

Picking up after himself and being more responsible for himself.

 

So the current situation is this:

 

- You are making the majority of the money, paying all the bills and buying all the luxury items, all of which your husband benefits from.

 

- He makes money but refuses to share it with you despite you providing for him in every way.

 

- He contributes nothing to the marriage or the household and basically acts like a teenager still living with his parents.

 

- You act like an unpaid taxi driver when he needs a lift somewhere.

 

- You clean up after him and provide for his every need on request.

 

- You're there at HIS convenience sexually but he isn't there for you.

 

- You've decided to start living as though you are single but continue to let him live in your house and sleep in your bed and sponge off you and use you in every way possible.

 

- You've said that you don't want to live this way but you don't have many options.

 

- You came up with the possibility of throwing him out of the house but it's not really what you want.

 

- What you want is for him to change.

 

Given everything that you have told us so far about your husband, what do you think is the likelihood of him changing to become the person you would like him to be?

[alaskafire08]

How right you are, Just Some Guy! I loved your scenario - Can I Borrow Some Money? You have women pegged.

 

You're also right about not knowing where Sarah lives & the habits of the male husband unit:rolleyes:. Honestly, this should've been discussed prior to marriage!

 

And, Sarah - you aren't married, you're room mates! If you are paying for your car, paying for gas, paying for parking, hauling his lazy tight self around town, STOP!

 

Remember the story of the grasshopper & the ant.

[alaskafire08]

That's a great plan!!

[alaskafire08]

Well I am going about my business as if I were single. I told him I wouldn't be remodeling the house until I paid off my debt.

 

I told him for 3 weeks now that the grass needs cut and he has an excuse that we need a different lawnmower whatever. It looks like I am just going to have to hire someone to do it. I'm going to have to hire a housekeeper too as he won't help me clean up and I am not doing it all myself. He sits and play video games all weekend.

 

I spent an hour cleaning up the kitchen this morning and the stove was a greasy mess from him frying something in oil on high heat. He goes in there and starts cooking something and I tell him he can clean it up when he is done as I just cleaned it. I doubt he has done it.

 

His boss even commented on him being lazy. I guess he was talking about remodeling the house and his boss said he didn't see that happening as lazy as he is lol.

SarahRose! Shame on you! He's got you trained, girl~ FORGET the grass, FORGET the kitchen! Retire to something you enjoy all weekend & let him figure it out!! If the lawn & dirty kitchen bug you, bite your tongue & go read a good book. Let the laundry go, let everything you do GO!!! Trust me... actions speak louder than words. Go on strike and see how he reacts.

[alaskafire08]

I wish I could think of a great snappy thing to say when he whinges about having to walk or about having to pay for something. I have tried the he gets benefit from me having the car but he will argue saying that he can walk just fine and that is good enough for him but then when it comes down to it he expects me to haul him around because he doesn't want to walk or pay for the bus or train.

_______________________________________________________________

 

Here's your snappy answer, "Your getting to the train is not my responsibility." "Your hunger is not my responsibility." "Your clean clothes are not my responsibility." Get it? It works. It puts things into perspective for BigBabyHusbandWannaBe. I'd sell the appliances you bought so he can go without! Really, I'm just that mean.

 

You know deep down all these flags were there bright and bold the years you lived together. You got married out of convenience, or just because it was time - I did it too. It didn't last more than 12 months.

 

Ask yourself (and him) this question: Is this the way you want to spend the next 5, 10, 15 or 30 years??? Marriage with the right person is a wonderful way to spend your life. And while I'm at it, if he knows you're dieting then his ordering the pizza for "us" - is just evil.

[SarahRose]

SarahRose! Shame on you! He's got you trained, girl~ FORGET the grass, FORGET the kitchen! Retire to something you enjoy all weekend & let him figure it out!! If the lawn & dirty kitchen bug you, bite your tongue & go read a good book. Let the laundry go, let everything you do GO!!! Trust me... actions speak louder than words. Go on strike and see how he reacts.

 

 

Ok I have left the lawn and the kitchen go at the other place we lived just to see if he would do anything.

 

We lived there for about a year and he cut the grass 2 times in a year. Can you imagine how ghetto the yard looked with grass 2 feet tall and weeds everywhere?

 

I left the kitchen and he proceeded to dirty up every dish in the house and leave them. He didn't wash anything. The dishes were covered with moldy food and it stunk and was disgusting. I left them sit like that for 2 months and he did nothing. I used paper plates and ate out mostly. I cleaned up the mess before we moved.

 

So it is very clear he does not care if he lives in utter filth for months.

 

What options do I have?

 

I have taken to telling him to wash his dishes after every time he cooks something and he will do it. If I don't tell him, he won't do it.

 

It really is ridiculous.

 

I do have to mention he did manage to get to the bus all by himself. He managed to look it up and get there on time. lol when he realized I flat out wasn't going to take him.

Edited June 1, 2010 by SarahRose

[jackson30]

What options do I have?

 

Sorry to say, from the outside it looks like your options are to live with it, or divorce him. I wouldn't put up with 1/2 of what you are putting up with.

[SarahRose]

So the current situation is this:

 

- You are making the majority of the money, paying all the bills and buying all the luxury items, all of which your husband benefits from.

 

- He makes money but refuses to share it with you despite you providing for him in every way.

 

- He contributes nothing to the marriage or the household and basically acts like a teenager still living with his parents.

 

- You act like an unpaid taxi driver when he needs a lift somewhere.

 

- You clean up after him and provide for his every need on request.

 

- You're there at HIS convenience sexually but he isn't there for you.

 

- You've decided to start living as though you are single but continue to let him live in your house and sleep in your bed and sponge off you and use you in every way possible.

 

- You've said that you don't want to live this way but you don't have many options.

 

- You came up with the possibility of throwing him out of the house but it's not really what you want.

 

- What you want is for him to change.

 

Given everything that you have told us so far about your husband, what do you think is the likelihood of him changing to become the person you would like him to be?

 

 

What I bolded pretty much describes the entire situation in a few words. He does act like a teenager living with a parent.

 

You know, maybe I should just sit him down and tell him what my expectations are from him and if he can't meet those, then the marriage is over.

 

I have confronted him about me feeling like he uses me as a taxi cab and of course he denys it. That is when I stopped the taxi service.

[alaskafire08]

I just don't understand why people get married like going on a casual lunch date with a friend. It's a life long commitment of for better or worse.

 

I would be pissed if a good friend of mine do to me what your H do to you. He is supposed to give you his kidney if you need one.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

Cinnamon, he would give her the kidney, but then he'd charge for storage up to now, retrieving it from storage, and delivery of said kidney!

[alaskafire08]

Well I was going to keep unpacking but it is dark and I went to turn on a light and he has taken nearly every frickin light bulb out of the fixtures in the house?????? WTF? So I am sitting here in the dark like an idiot.

 

 

WTF!!! since this was 2 weeks ago, has he ever told you what he was thinking to take the light bulbs??? That's weird~

[SarahRose]

WTF!!! since this was 2 weeks ago, has he ever told you what he was thinking to take the light bulbs??? That's weird~

 

What he was doing was replacing all the bulbs with energy saving ones. He put the old bulbs in the old house we were renting. He didn't bother to tell me he had taken them out.

 

He likes to save electricity by turning things off. He unplugs the media player because it draws power just from being plugged in.

 

I don't know how much electricity he is saving though we he falls asleep on the couch every night with the computer, tv, and lights on lol

[jackson30]

run forrest run......

[alaskafire08]

What he was doing was replacing all the bulbs with energy saving ones. He put the old bulbs in the old house we were renting. He didn't bother to tell me he had taken them out.

 

He likes to save electricity by turning things off. He unplugs the media player because it draws power just from being plugged in.

 

I don't know how much electricity he is saving though we he falls asleep on the couch every night with the computer, tv, and lights on lol

 

 

So funny!!

[SarahRose]

So funny!!

 

Yeah that part is funny. I just keep my mouth shut about that.

 

There is nothing wrong with wanting to save money and save on electricity. It is funny that when he pulled the bulb out of the hall light it broke the socket so that has to be replaced which an electrician has to do it so maybe a $100 to fix it and the falling asleep on the sofa every night leaving the lights on tv and computer and he is asleep for several hours with all that left on so he really isn't saving any money at all.

 

I was trying to watch some movies from the media player and I was clicking the remote and nothing was happening. I thought the batteries were dead and that is when he told me he unplugged the cord from the media player to save electricity lol.

[LittleTiger]

run forrest run......

 

This is what my instincts are telling me too! BUT, SarahRose loves her husband and she wants to consider options.

 

So, SarahRose, from what you've said so far, how about these for possible options ....

 

1. You continue to live like this for the rest of your life.

 

2. You continue to live like this for some time longer, waste a bit more of your life and then, when you've finally had enough, get out of the marriage.

 

3. You talk to your husband about how you would like the marriage to be, what you consider a reasonable commitment from him, how you'd like to share finances, domestic duties and other responsiblities. Then give him a specified amount of time to make the changes. (You can tell him he has a limited amount of time or not, as long as you decide what the limit is and stick to it).

 

4. If you struggle to have an adult conversation as 3. suggests, which wouldn't surprise any of us, you go to marriage guidance and/or individual counselling. If he won't go, you go by yourself. If nothing else, it will help you to increase your self esteem so that you start to make better decisions for yourself and expect a little more respect from others.

 

5. Throw him out and get a divorce asap.

 

Unless Option 1 is your choice (Option 2 is almost as bad), pick any of the others (or another idea of your own that gets things moving towards what you want) and start taking control of your own life again. You will feel so much better when you do.

Edited June 1, 2010 by LittleTiger

[SarahRose]

Things have been somewhat better. We celebrated our first anniversary and it was really good.

 

The sex has improved too.

 

He did irritate me some today.

 

I have GAD. He knows I have GAD. I work very hard at keeping it under control.

 

Today I was a bit lack and had several cups of caffeine which made me feel all jittery plus my naturopath has been out of my herbs so I am taking other things which doesn't work as well.

 

I went to see the naturo today and she always wants me to talk about things and I hate to as it just gets me worked up with anxiety. So here I am talking about the death and illnesses in my family and moving and starting a new job and so on and I was feeling a bit panicky. Then she wants to take my blood pressure. So I am starting to freak about that and she takes it and it is high. Doh of course it is after sitting there and talking about all this misery for 15 minutes.

 

So I go home and begin to do what I need to do to relax which bring my blood pressure down to normal.

 

I tell my husband that I am freaking and my blood pressure is up and and that I am going to sit quietly for awhile and calm down.

 

What does he do? He comes in and starts ****ing tickling me and making noises and I just tell him to quit and he sulks and says I am grumpy. I just ignore it as I wasn't going to sit there and explain for the thousandth time that I need to sit quietly.

 

I don't know whether he thinks he is trying to cheer me up or be silly or helpful?

 

Or if he is just trying to irritate me?

 

I have gone deaf in the past few years and wear hearing aids and those things are sensitive.

 

He will frequently tap his fingers on things and snap plastic and other annoying things. He used to only do it rarely and I told him it flips my hearing aid out. It seems he does it even more and then I don't say anything to him and he'll stop and apologize and say it is a bad habit. But is it really?