Should He hlepme or not

[giotto]

but you wife doesn't work does she?

 

she does, but she doesn't earn as much as I do... she contributes £250/month towards the expenses... I pay the rest, mortgage included...

 

Is this fair? Maybe not, but that's not the point. We are a family, a single unit, and I like supporting my family as much as I can...

[SarahRose]

she does, but she doesn't earn as much as I do... she contributes £250/month towards the expenses... I pay the rest, mortgage included...

 

Is this fair? Maybe not, but that's not the point. We are a family, a single unit, and I like supporting my family as much as I can...

 

So what are you saying? I should pay all the bills and be happy about it?

[giotto]

So what are you saying? I should pay all the bills and be happy about it?

 

no, what I'm saying is that you tow should reach an agreement, which you both consider fair, and stick to it... all this money bargaining is rather sad, isn't it? But then maybe I'm not a very materialistic person...

[xxoo]

Ok now we are discussing the mortgage payment on our house. He thinks I should pay more than half because he paid the down payment. I say it's even as he never would have gotten this house without my income. Besides I can barely afford the bills I have.

 

Yeah and I figured out the budget and I'm in the hole 200 each month while he has 1300 left over each month.

 

Looks to me like the family has 1100 left over each month.

 

Actually he does keep track. The only bills we split are the mortgage and utlities. I pay everthing else because he says they are MY bills. If you read the entire thread it explains that.

 

Your H has seen these numbers? He doesn't care that you are stuggling to pay "your" bills?

 

Does he want to be a family or not?

 

What would happen if you lost your job? Or were disabled and could no longer work?

 

What would happen if he lost his job?

[SarahRose]

Well I guess I am good wife again since I got a new job that pays big six figures again and resigned from my crappy paying but made me happier job on Friday.

 

I came home and he bought me a bunch of congrats presents.

 

I guess I know where I stand if I ever lose my job or get sick or something.

 

I guess I should send him to massage school or something so at least when I get home from work he can give me a massage and have my meals ready. After all, I make the gold then I can make the rules.

[magda]

What rules will you make? Is this going to change the way you behave or just make it easier to pay for everything while he saves?

 

I think you should have a serious heart-to-heart about what kinds of expenses should be legitimate family expenses and what shouldn't. He evidently is completely miserly and has to change. Could you also be somewhat inclined toward luxury items? I know you did say according to him a fridge is a luxury. I think you need to decide what falls under "our money" and what is "my money". It sounds like the best thing here with his mentality would be 3 accts, one for each and one for the pot.

 

I would be pissed off at this point and not letting him wipe his ass on my toilet paper. But then, I don't love him.

Edited May 22, 2010 by magda

[SarahRose]

What rules will you make? Is this going to change the way you behave or just make it easier to pay for everything while he saves?

 

I think you should have a serious heart-to-heart about what kinds of expenses should be legitimate family expenses and what shouldn't. He evidently is completely miserly and has to change. Could you also be somewhat inclined toward luxury items? I know you did say according to him a fridge is a luxury. I think you need to decide what falls under "our money" and what is "my money". It sounds like the best thing here with his mentality would be 3 accts, one for each and one for the pot.

 

I would be pissed off at this point and not letting him wipe his ass on my toilet paper. But then, I don't love him.

 

I hope you got the bit of sarcasm in that last post.

 

Yeah he thinks a fridge and air conditioning is a luxury.

 

He won't do the 3 accounts. I already asked him about his and got a non answer.

 

He clearly was happy that I gave my job up and got another one that pays a lot more. I guess so he can go on being misery and I can pad his net worth.

 

I really do wonder what would happen if I did lose my job. I know when I was contracting and thought I would lose my job he wasn't worried because he knew with my skills I would find another one right away. I said well what if I don't and he says of course you will.

 

Maybe I do like some luxury items but that is because I am at the top of my game in my career and worked many years to get here.

 

No offense, but nobody in his family went to college and most of them were blue collar or in menial labor type jobs. Some of his relatives now are on the dole.

 

I mean I do drive a high end car and that is because I could afford it. I guess there is such a huge disparity in socio eco status but that should come together since we have gotten married but he still sees himself as poor,

[Neutrino]

she does, but she doesn't earn as much as I do... she contributes £250/month towards the expenses... I pay the rest, mortgage included...

 

Is this fair? Maybe not, but that's not the point. We are a family, a single unit, and I like supporting my family as much as I can...

 

Giotto, you're missing the point a little... Anything which is agreed on by both partners is their decision - and different strokes for different folks...

 

The unfair part starts when one of the partners stops following what both agreed on without discussion and consensus.

 

My partner and I also keep our finances separate outside mutual expenses - for us it is easy - because we earn the same, but the main reason is : we each reserve the right to decide what we do with our cash, this way if I insist on keeping a special private car next to my work car, and he decides to buy his car a much larger size than is necessary for one person - there are no discussions between us....

 

And yes - a long term relationship is also a business deal - it is naive to ignore it - look how many couples break up because they never sorted out their business deal first.

[giotto]

Neutrino,

 

the original question was:

 

We've had a lot of unexpected expenses due to travel for a sick relative who passed away and recently moving. I'm behind on my bills. Should my husband help me get caught up since he has the money to do so?

 

So, there wasn't any agreement. Her husband thinks he is entitled to keep his own money, because there is no agreement. Should he help her? I think so. Hence my comments...

 

 

Giotto, you're missing the point a little... Anything which is agreed on by both partners is their decision - and different strokes for different folks...

 

The unfair part starts when one of the partners stops following what both agreed on without discussion and consensus.

 

My partner and I also keep our finances separate outside mutual expenses - for us it is easy - because we earn the same, but the main reason is : we each reserve the right to decide what we do with our cash, this way if I insist on keeping a special private car next to my work car, and he decides to buy his car a much larger size than is necessary for one person - there are no discussions between us....

 

And yes - a long term relationship is also a business deal - it is naive to ignore it - look how many couples break up because they never sorted out their business deal first.

[magda]

I hope you got the bit of sarcasm in that last post.

 

Yeah he thinks a fridge and air conditioning is a luxury.

 

He won't do the 3 accounts. I already asked him about his and got a non answer.

 

He clearly was happy that I gave my job up and got another one that pays a lot more. I guess so he can go on being misery and I can pad his net worth.

 

I really do wonder what would happen if I did lose my job. I know when I was contracting and thought I would lose my job he wasn't worried because he knew with my skills I would find another one right away. I said well what if I don't and he says of course you will.

 

Maybe I do like some luxury items but that is because I am at the top of my game in my career and worked many years to get here.

 

No offense, but nobody in his family went to college and most of them were blue collar or in menial labor type jobs. Some of his relatives now are on the dole.

 

I mean I do drive a high end car and that is because I could afford it. I guess there is such a huge disparity in socio eco status but that should come together since we have gotten married but he still sees himself as poor,

 

The worst is him not stepping up when you needed money, presumably because he thought you irresponsibly blew all yours, or that you wouldn't have the problem had you not been living beynod your means. It's not the division of finances so much as that he believes there is this clear division of responsibility and yet, most infuriatingly, seems to want to benefit from and expect things you've been paying for that he refuses to pay for.

 

I think you have a perfectly good reason to be feeling resentful. Your marriage seems to be crumbling over money. I don't think you're being at all selfish but his attitude has inspired you to be petty over little things you otherwise probably wouldn't notice (toilet paper, rides, his house proj) - I think you'd probably be content to pay extra or whatever had you not got the feeling he'd leave you high and dry if you had no money. It sounds like this recent time was the first where you were struggling and you saw his true colors. I think you should end your marriage if he will not take honest steps to resolve this because this is no way to live. Maybe other people would disagree with me, but if you've relayed the situation accurately this is no kind of partnership. He needs to agree to some kind of joint account that trips and household items, landscaping, parking, unemployment, emergency funds, etc, will come from, and both of you add to by percentage every month. Maybe your percentage can be higher and that's okay. But it sounds like he would just nitpick about how you spend that, as well.

 

You're not going to be able to shock him into understanding through starting to make him walk, or even getting him to drive - if he is not going to think about this honestly, he's only going to think you are petty and selfish and you'll get sick of it and leave him. This requires a deeper solution and could end your marriage. I think you should let him know the stakes and be prepared to go if he doesn't give a sign of budging. Find out really how much his stupid money is worth to him.

Edited May 22, 2010 by magda

[FitChick]

Now that you have a good job again, dump him. Then if you like, live together so he can pay his fair share and you aren't legally responsible for him. When you split up again, you won't have to pay alimony or split the house with him. Keep it in your name. He sounds like a freeloader. Are you really that desperate for a man?

[FitChick]

she does, but she doesn't earn as much as I do... she contributes £250/month towards the expenses... I pay the rest, mortgage included...

 

Is this fair? Maybe not, but that's not the point. We are a family, a single unit, and I like supporting my family as much as I can...

 

You are a dying breed -- A Real Man.

[SarahRose]

I know you have all been waiting patiently for an update.

 

Anyway so I resign and I start my new job in about 2 weeks and this is my time off to sleep in. I told him that he is going to have to get to work by himself. I told him this 3 weeks ago when I said I was taking this time off.

 

I told him repeatedly how to get to the bus stop here by the house. I drove by it once with him.

 

He insists on walking to this one that is a 40 minute walk away instead of going t the one I showed him which is about 10 minutes away.

 

So this is first day and I did sleep in until 7.30am and I wake up all sleepy and see that he tried to call me around 7am. I really did enjoy the first late sleep in for probably 2 years.

 

I don't bother calling him back right then.

 

So a few minute later he comes in the door saying he forgot his wallet that he just spent 40 minute walking to the bus stop and 40 minutes walking back.

 

I was started to get irritated as I just woke up literally and here I knew he was going to expect me to get dressed and drive him down to the train station. Anyway he managed to get a ride from his boss who lives fairly close.

 

I think he was being passive aggressive with this today? I really get the impression that since I am "making" him get to the train station himself, he is going to do everything possible to irritate me every morning.

 

I nearly blew up at him the other night as it had poured down rain all day and I had just gotten home and undressed and was relaxing and he calls me telling me that he is some pizza place in the city and ordered pizza for us. He knows I am on a diet. So I get dress and drive 25 minutes in rush hour traffic in the pouring rain to go get him. All the time he kept ringing my mobile asking where I was grrrr. I didn't say a word to him because I would have been the a hole for being mad as after all he was surprising me with pizza.

[WalkInThePark]

she does, but she doesn't earn as much as I do... she contributes £250/month towards the expenses... I pay the rest, mortgage included...

 

Is this fair? Maybe not, but that's not the point. We are a family, a single unit, and I like supporting my family as much as I can...

 

So do you understand why she makes amendments each time you threaten to be out of there and gives you some consolation sex? She knows that she would not get away with that if she was with another man.

As such it is noble to be "supporting your family" but who this need for being a martyr?

[giotto]

So do you understand why she makes amendments each time you threaten to be out of there and gives you some consolation sex? She knows that she would not get away with that if she was with another man.

As such it is noble to be "supporting your family" but who this need for being a martyr?

 

Ouch, a bit OT? But I'll answer, anyway...

 

Of course I know this. Being worse off financially is certainly one of the reasons why she makes amends... also, working shifts, she wouldn't be able to cope with her her workload + running a family with 4 children... if she is working in the evening, who's going to cook their meals? Who's going to cook her meal when she gets back? If she is working early in the morning, who's going to get the children ready for school and prepare their lunch boxes and their breakfast? Who's going to pick them up from school? You see, I'm a nice guy, so she takes advantage of me. But do you think I can just go and leave my children fending off for themselves whilst their mother is out working? Certainly not. There's your reason... I don't want my children to be a lot worse off without their father in the house... do I get consolation sex? So be it... and yes, I should stop complaining as well...

[LittleTiger]

Just read this whole thread through and WOW! I'm stunned!

 

As much as I'd like to be supportive SarahRose, I don't get any of this. You don't have a marriage of any sort - you have a freeloader for a 'husband'. I'm sorry for you that you love him because it makes it so difficult for you to end it but do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man?

 

In my mind a marriage is a partnership, a team. You both contribute to that team in whatever way is most appropriate. You both have different skills and that may mean one of you makes more money. I really don't understand people who try to keep money separate once they are married or even just living together. It suggests a lack of trust and an inability to share resources. If you are really worried that your husband or wife is going to spend all your hard earned cash then there is a far deeper problem in the marriage than anything that can be solved by separate or joint bank accounts.

 

I don't know your full situation giotto but you seem to have your head screwed on to me. Marriage is about give and take. If one of you is busy earning money and the other is busy doing household chores and you're both happy with that then great. There will always be compromises at times too, that's unavoidable.

 

There are many different ways to make relationships work but if you're living in the same house and sharing a life then surely the money is shared too?

[giotto]

There are many different ways to make relationships work but if you're living in the same house and sharing a life then surely the money is shared too?

 

yep! :D

[SarahRose]

Well I am going about my business as if I were single. I told him I wouldn't be remodeling the house until I paid off my debt.

 

I told him for 3 weeks now that the grass needs cut and he has an excuse that we need a different lawnmower whatever. It looks like I am just going to have to hire someone to do it. I'm going to have to hire a housekeeper too as he won't help me clean up and I am not doing it all myself. He sits and play video games all weekend.

 

I spent an hour cleaning up the kitchen this morning and the stove was a greasy mess from him frying something in oil on high heat. He goes in there and starts cooking something and I tell him he can clean it up when he is done as I just cleaned it. I doubt he has done it.

 

His boss even commented on him being lazy. I guess he was talking about remodeling the house and his boss said he didn't see that happening as lazy as he is lol.

[giotto]

Well I am going about my business as if I were single. I told him I wouldn't be remodeling the house until I paid off my debt.

 

I told him for 3 weeks now that the grass needs cut and he has an excuse that we need a different lawnmower whatever. It looks like I am just going to have to hire someone to do it. I'm going to have to hire a housekeeper too as he won't help me clean up and I am not doing it all myself. He sits and play video games all weekend.

 

I spent an hour cleaning up the kitchen this morning and the stove was a greasy mess from him frying something in oil on high heat. He goes in there and starts cooking something and I tell him he can clean it up when he is done as I just cleaned it. I doubt he has done it.

 

His boss even commented on him being lazy. I guess he was talking about remodeling the house and his boss said he didn't see that happening as lazy as he is lol.

 

 

I suppose you sex life is not going very well, then?

[SarahRose]

I suppose you sex life is not going very well, then?

 

Well my sex drive has taken a nose dive. He is coming to me maybe once a week for it now, now that I am not all that interested. He'll keep pestering me until I give in so I give in.

 

Of course, if I initiate he just won't do it.

[LittleTiger]

Well I am going about my business as if I were single. I told him I wouldn't be remodeling the house until I paid off my debt.

 

I told him for 3 weeks now that the grass needs cut and he has an excuse that we need a different lawnmower whatever. It looks like I am just going to have to hire someone to do it. I'm going to have to hire a housekeeper too as he won't help me clean up and I am not doing it all myself. He sits and play video games all weekend.

 

I spent an hour cleaning up the kitchen this morning and the stove was a greasy mess from him frying something in oil on high heat. He goes in there and starts cooking something and I tell him he can clean it up when he is done as I just cleaned it. I doubt he has done it.

 

His boss even commented on him being lazy. I guess he was talking about remodeling the house and his boss said he didn't see that happening as lazy as he is lol.

 

WOW! again. SarahRose, life is a lot more fun when you share it with a responsible grown up.

 

If you're going about your business as if you are single then why stay married? What's in it for you?

 

The ground rules you're creating here will set the blueprint for the rest of your marriage. Is this really how you want to live?

[Neutrino]

Well my sex drive has taken a nose dive. He is coming to me maybe once a week for it now, now that I am not all that interested. He'll keep pestering me until I give in so I give in.

 

Of course, if I initiate he just won't do it.

 

Hi SR - for your own self-respect - don't be such a doormat.... You are putting up with too much and giving in too easy.

 

In spite of all the problems he causes, you still clean after him and sleep with him ? You are literally inviting him to take advantage for absolutely free....

 

Pack all his gear together in a few large garbage bags, all his electronics, clothes, shoes, right in the same bag with that frying pan you mentioned with old burned oil, maybe some old 1/2 filled cups of coffee - and out it all goes. Then change the lock.

 

Why do you let yourself be treated like this ?

[SarahRose]

WOW! again. SarahRose, life is a lot more fun when you share it with a responsible grown up.

 

If you're going about your business as if you are single then why stay married? What's in it for you?

 

The ground rules you're creating here will set the blueprint for the rest of your marriage. Is this really how you want to live?

 

No I really don't want to live like this. There aren't too many options. Either put up with it or don't put up with it.

[SarahRose]

Hi SR - for your own self-respect - don't be such a doormat.... You are putting up with too much and giving in too easy.

 

In spite of all the problems he causes, you still clean after him and sleep with him ? You are literally inviting him to take advantage for absolutely free....

 

Pack all his gear together in a few large garbage bags, all his electronics, clothes, shoes, right in the same bag with that frying pan you mentioned with old burned oil, maybe some old 1/2 filled cups of coffee - and out it all goes. Then change the lock.

 

Why do you let yourself be treated like this ?

 

So what should I do about it?

 

Throw him out of the house?

[LittleTiger]

So what should I do about it?

 

Throw him out of the house?

 

Do you want to throw him out of the house?