Layla Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 Hi I have been posting before and am back now! Sorry if I bore you guys :-( Anyway, I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months. I am 28 and he is 31. He really adores me. I met his family and friends very soon after starting dating him. I am the first woman he asked to move in with. Every morning he spends a few minutes cuddling me and telling me how I am the most important person in his life. He is very successful and just bought a house where we live together. (We have been living together for almost a year now). So life has been INCREDIBLY stressful for him! We have a lot of fun together and all his friends say that they have never seen him this happy before. So, theoretically everything is fine. (Apart from the odd fights of course, but I guess that's rather normal) But then again. He never brings up children or marriage..... actually that's not true..... about half a year ago it came up every now and then. I also found a letter from a very old friend of his who said that he is waiting to be invited to an engagement party and that he was suprised about hearing those hints. But lately - over the last few months- my boyfriend never dropped any hints any more. Especially not about children. He says that he really wants to be with me and includes me in his long term planning but never ever brings up marriage. Should I worry or give him time? I am almost 29 and sort of don't feel like I have decades left to find a husband. Thanks so much for your help!! Link to post Share on other sites
doniker Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 simple. just tell him what you told us. what have you got to lose? Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 I don't think anyone can predict what your boyfriend wants. You should ask him. If you feel that this would be too presumptuous, too forward of you, I have to wonder whether your relationship with him is one of two equals. You want what you want, why shouldn't he know about it? Doesn't mean he'll agree with you, but he should know! You're sitting there wondering, hoping, looking for signs, reading old letters, when what you should be doing is having a conversation with him! If you're too afraid to ask him where he stands on the issue, then you shouldn't be with him. If the relationship is so fragile that you think you must always appear to be perfectly in-sync with him, it's probably not going to work. Ask him -- you might be pleasantly surprised! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layla Posted January 22, 2004 Author Share Posted January 22, 2004 Ok, as my mother tongue is not English but my boyfriend is English maybe you can help me with some translation! I did somehow bring up the conversation about two weeks ago: I have gone through a ROUGH month last month as my mother had to go to hospital and was very sick and got me so worried!! Unfortunately, my father died 10 years ago, so she is the most important person in my life!! Anyway, my boyfriend was really really supportive but I couldn't help but being cold as I somehow tried to cut out all my feelings as i was afraid of losing my mum. One night we went to hospital together and my uncle and aunt were there. I saw how kind they were with each other and how they were still in love (both are over sixty)! When I lay in bed with my boyfriend that night I told him that my aunt had gone through a lot of bad things in life but always kept her spirits up because of her wonderful 4 children and my uncle who got her through everything with his unconditional love! My boyfriend said: "Maybe I can be like your uncle." I felt embarassed, got up and said:" I don't think we are meant for each other". My boyfriend got quite upset and wouldn't really talk to me. I didn't care at that stage as I was really worried about my mum and probably just wanted to hurt him! The following morning he asked me why I had said such a horrible thing and I told him that I realised that I would want to have children one day and a caring husband and that I wondered whether he was the one as he works a lot and is very eager in making loads of money, driving a nice car, buying things etc. Over breakfast he brought it up again and asked "why I gave him so little credit on this?" That was all that was said as I had to rush to work. What does that "Credit-thing" mean? What did he mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Dawny Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 well you must be happy to say that you have met the one person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, id say he feels the same but he more than likely doesent want to settle down just yet, maybe through a fear of feeling old...id say just give him a little more time! He knows what he has is special with you other wise he wouldent still be there every morning with you when you wake up, he will commit to you some day, try to look at what you have raqther thann what you dont have and enjoy it, because some ppl dont even have that... Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 it sounds like he means why do you jump to the conclusion that he doesn't want kids. maybe he has NEVER said those words..but to you his actions and the fact the never mentions it certainly seems that he is not looking for kids. so maybe the credit thing is just because he doesn't say it or even act like he wants kids...maybe he does. Have you specifically talked kids with him? not just in theory, but for real, and for real marriage. Tell him that you want that in your life and that was what was meant by you two not being meant for each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layla Posted January 22, 2004 Author Share Posted January 22, 2004 Why is it so complicated?! If he loves he as much as he claims he does, why can't he just pop the question?! It's not like I'll say no :-) Link to post Share on other sites
spoilt bitch Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 just ask him what are you holding back for he might want the same Link to post Share on other sites
sweetmind20 Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 layla, you need to think about something... you say your guy is wonderful.. you guys get along so well. you have a nice house and you live together. i hate to say it but it sounds like the challenge for him is over. see, guys need to be continually challenged to stay motivated and involved in the relationship. there is a saying about why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. he has all of you already.. the sex, your love, a place with you.. he has nothing to motivate him out of his comfy little space. unless you start making it clear that you are not going to compromise your dreams to stick with him. he needs to be aware that you have a life outside of him, and that no matter how much you love him, you will be willing to walk if you two are not on the same page when it comes to marriage and children. i know what i'm talking about here, cuz i went through a similar thing. i did not move in with him.. i told him upfront :"this is what i want. i will accept nothing less". i started getting my own life together and not making our relationship the end all and be all of my life. he noticed the changes in me and felt motivated to stay involved.. i think you two need to have a heart to heart talk. you deserve to know where this is going. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layla Posted January 22, 2004 Author Share Posted January 22, 2004 What are you suggesting? That I move out from this perfect home we created? Wouldn't that be a bit obvious? Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 Maybe I'm confused but first you want to know why he can't commit to you and yet two weeks ago you tell him that you don't think you are right for each other? What?! First - no matter how much pain you are in (family illness, etc.) you HAVE to think about what you are saying to the man you claim to love enough to marry . Marrying him means that he comes first and becomes the most important person in your life. To come up with a statement like that, out of the blue, and then to say you probably just wanted to hurt him seems cruel and spiteful to me. Why did you want to hurt him? Second - it's up to you to communicate with him and to make sure he understands your feelings and your hopes and wants for the future. No hints - honest conversation and straightforward communication. I want to get married this year and start a family in two years. What are your feelings about this? Tell him. Ask him. Discuss it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layla Posted January 22, 2004 Author Share Posted January 22, 2004 Thanks to everyone. Errol: thanks for your advice but I am sort of old fashioned. And.... it has always been him to make the first step: He suggested for us to meet families, he asked me to move in, he was the first one to say "he loves me"! Therefore I know that he will bring something up if it is on his mind. Why should I tell him what I want? Can't he figure it out himself? I'm quite an old fashioned girl and family oriented; He should figure it out! I do not want to ask him these questions as I did not have to ask him to tell me to say the three words, I did not have to incline that I would LOVE to move in with him..... so why do I have to make the first step all of a sudden? Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 Originally posted by Layla Thanks to everyone. Errol: thanks for your advice but I am sort of old fashioned. And.... it has always been him to make the first step: He suggested for us to meet families, he asked me to move in, he was the first one to say "he loves me"! Therefore I know that he will bring something up if it is on his mind. Why should I tell him what I want? Can't he figure it out himself? Why should he have to? "old fashioned" people communicate - they don't play guessing games. I'm quite an old fashioned girl and family oriented; He should figure it out! Again, why should he have to figure anything out? COMMUNICATE with him. Iso why do I have to make the first step all of a sudden? Then wait. Its pretty simple -- if you don't want to communicate or be proactive in your relationship--then just wait. If you don't want to wait, then speak up and communicate with him! Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 because he is not taking that step. yeah you can sit and waste away those precious ovaries of yours...or you could at least see if kids are even on his agenda. obviously he is not worried about it, but you are. old fashioned does not mean that you cannot even ask. obviously he has not figured it out or that kids mean so much to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layla Posted January 22, 2004 Author Share Posted January 22, 2004 Yeah, maybe I should bring it up. I am just scared that he could react badly and we lose what we have Link to post Share on other sites
CaterpillarGirl Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 Originally posted by Layla Yeah, maybe I should bring it up. I am just scared that he could react badly and we lose what we have But what you have now is not what you want...and you'll never get it if you don't speak up. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 plus he is already kinda pissed and he and you are still together...so get it off your chest Link to post Share on other sites
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