I know what I'm doing is wrong.

[Brittany.]

I've been in my relationship for a year. Neither of us has cheated, but I've always been the one to worry about because of my flirty/sexual personality. I text and talk to guys online a lot. I have no feelings for them, but I'm very flirty. We talk about sexual and personal things. Although I make it clear that I am faithful and have no interest, I still continue to talk to them. If my guy found out he would be so hurt. And I would be hurt if he was doing the same.

 

What I don't get is why I like the attention. My guy gives me enough attention, and he tells me different things he loves about me every day. He and I are very open sexually and emotionally, and we are completely comfortable with each other. Our relationship is amazing, so I have no idea why I enjoy the attention from other guys.

 

Like I said, there is no emotional connection or sexual attraction to these other guys. I'm actually disgusted by how desperate they are, but I keep doing what I'm doing? I just want to maybe pin point why I do this, and how to stop successfully as to not hurt my relationship.

[nigh2]

You do this probably 1) your young....2) you can get away with it 3) it makes you in a sly unhealthy way feel good about yourself....

 

I would say what you are doing is basically the same as cheating, you say that you and bf have an open relationship....maybe bring this up to him? or just ask about it in an indirect way.....Im not sure how you are or how open you might be, he might not care.....maybe im going out on a limb there.....

Personally if my gf did this and she brought it up to me, I would be a little bit upset...as I could tell her to stop but I could just continue not knowing what it is she is doing....this is unhealthy for a relationship, unless your bf is into it....

[Brittany.]

Gosh, how I would love to tell him. I know he wouldn't hate me or end the relationship and it would be a big weight off my shoulders. But even though he wouldn't be harsh to me, he would be hurt. I can't hurt him. I've always been afraid I was going to do something that would hurt him, and then I'd have to tell him or live with the secret. And now I'm in that position.

 

I can't take the pain that I would cause by telling him, back, but I'm not sure I can live with this secret, all though it is smalled compared to others. I'm just lost.

[Fouts]

Brittany, some people can't live without constant attention, even if they're indifferent as to where it comes from and uninterested in the person giving it. The term attention whore has a negative connotation to it, but in reality it's just someone who has that personality type. You can include anyone who gets in front of a camera for a living to the list, so you're in good company.

 

Try not to let it sabotage your relationships, but you don't need to feel guilty or beat yourself up over it either. The 'net makes it easier, there's always some slob out there who can hide behind a keyboard and be a romeo, just don't get too caught up in it.

 

Take some acting lessons

[Brittany.]

LOL. Well the reason I struggle with it is I typically can't stand "attention whores". They are fake, and put on an act. But I tend to be quite honest and up front. I don't feel I'm an attention whore. I honestly don't like to be on the spot. I like to be myself, and I usually get compliments on that.

 

But I have low self-esteem. I guess if I had more self-esteem I wouldn't seek this attention?

[Fouts]

I don't think attention whores are fake or put on an act, I also don't think it's always necessarily a bad thing. I guess from your original post, it didn't come across that you had low self esteem, but if you do, then of course that could be it.

 

Are you attracted to your boyfriend, or kind of looking for more?

[Brittany.]

I'm extremely attracted to him and more in love with him then ever. He doesn't have th perfect body or the best hair, but I love him for it. I wouldn't change him if I could.

So to answer your question, no I'm not looking for more.

As for the "attention whore" thing, maybe it's just in my area. But most girls around here that are actively seeking attention will do anything to get it. Including acting differently around different people to get the most attention out of the situation, and being the damsel in distress to say the least. I don't consider myself as doing such.

[Fouts]

So why do you think your self esteem is low? Maybe you're just insecure and don't really have low self esteem. There's a difference.

[Brittany.]

Oh my gosh, please explain! I've been struggling with this for years! I think I'm pretty, not too happy about my body, but I feel I'm still QUITE attractive lol. BUT... I'm needy, and codependent, and don't feel I have much self-worth. And it's confusing because I know I'm smart, attractive, funny, lovable, blah blah blah. But I don't like myself...

[Fouts]

So, now that you've pinpointed it, the next step is figuring it out

 

It's not really message board fodder as most of it tends to be personal and based on your life experience. Do some research, explore yourself a bit Brittany.

[WTRanger]

LOL. Well the reason I struggle with it is I typically can't stand "attention whores". They are fake, and put on an act. But I tend to be quite honest and up front. I don't feel I'm an attention whore. I honestly don't like to be on the spot. I like to be myself, and I usually get compliments on that.

 

But I have low self-esteem. I guess if I had more self-esteem I wouldn't seek this attention?

 

Let's count the contradictions in this statement.

 

1. You are faking it with these other guys. You fake interest, whether it be sexual or otherwise.

 

2. You aren't honest and upfront, as you don't tell the real man in your life any of this. You aren't honest to the other men you are leading on. Do you tell these other men you are with someone or do they believe you are single?

 

3. You are seeking attention. Perhaps let's not list it as a negative term as an attention whore, but you are seeking more attention than what you are currently having. If you were happy the the current amount of attention, you wouldn't be leading on other random men.

 

There's truth to the statement of "The only bad attention is no attention at all." Somewhere, somehow, you feel the need to have your life constantly validated by men's attention. If you honestly feel that this is an issue, this is something that only a professional can help you with. I'd hate to say Daddy issues, but that's usually where the behavior stems from.

[Sevenscars]

Brittany, you are having emotional affairs with these other men. That is cheating. Your boyfriend would be crushed. You should stop, for your own benefit and for his as well. If you stopped now and didn't do it again, I wouldn't see any reason to tell your boyfriend as long as you were really remorseful.

[2sunny]

the need to feed your ego is bigger than the priority to be fair and kind by your actions to the guy you're dating.

 

since you are willing to disrespect HIS feelings this much, this way - it seems only fair to allow him to find a gal that doesn't use actions to disrespect and disregard him in this manner.

[Brittany.]

Whoa whoa whoa people.

 

WTRanger: I am NOT faking ANY interest with these other guys. They know I'm madly in love and have no urge to see them or their bodies. THEY keep pushing it because I don't stop talking to them. Just the other night I was talking to a guy and explaining to him why I didn't want to send him a picture of myself and why I didn't want a picture of him. They ALL know I have a boyfriend, and they all know I would never get with them. All I bring up is my guy, how I love my sexual, emotional, and romantic life with him. They know how I feel about him.

 

About me not telling my guy, I'm not being fake. He DOES know I talk to other guys, he just doesn't for a fact know exactly about what. He knows I like attention, we've talked about it. He has an idea of what's going on, but we haven't talked in-depth about it.

 

 

SevenScars: I have taken the first steps of stopping. I have told the few guys I've been talking to that I am trying to break my bad habits. They still keep trying, but I let it be known that I'm going to ignore them. Also, I thought an emotional affair involved emotional attachment? I have no feelings for these guys, and there is no connection at all. I don't go to them for help about my relationship either...

 

 

2sunny: I agree, and I've tried to end it with him because I HAVE hurt him a lot in the past. But he refuses. He says he doesn't care, he knows I have a big heart, and that he can't let me go. I feel I am being unfair to him just like you stated. But everytime I try to end it, I can't, because he says nothing I do would hurt him more then leaving him. He's been hurt in the past a lot, and he said to me that I'm the only girl that has cared this much about him and he won't let me go, and I can't let him go after everything either..

 

 

EITHER WAY: I have already cut my ties with the few guys I was talking with. I don't answer their texts, and if they message me online, I'll ignore it as well. Thanks Fouts and SevenScars for helping me. I have come to the conclusion that I won't be discussing this any more with him. Because I will just end up hurting him more, and he will just sit there and take it, and I don't want that. I actually started writing in a journal, everytime I feel I need attention. It works. Thanks again for those of you who actually helped. =)

[Eeyore79]

I don't see why this is such a huge problem. You have friends with whom you talk about intimate subjects such as sex and relationships, and these friends know you have a boyfriend. Lots of girls gossip about sex and stuff with their female friends, so basically you only feel bad because your friends are male?

 

I have more male friends than female friends, but we're just friends. We talk about their girlfriends and my boyfriend, and we occasionally talk about personal things as well as more general topics. Am I in the wrong because my closest friends are male and not female? Would it be different if I was gossiping about personal topics with other women instead of men?

[Hop_prophet]

It is you behavior that is hurtful. If don't want to hurt your boyfriend then stop engaging in inappropriate relationships for your own vanity. It is really that simple. Doing it and then hiding it from him is worse obviously and will only hurt him even more.

 

It sounds like you have a very unhealthy addiction. I think you should tell your bf so he can help you break it. BTW engaging in sexual banter behind your bf's back is probably cheating in his mind.

[Brittany.]

I don't see why this is such a huge problem. You have friends with whom you talk about intimate subjects such as sex and relationships, and these friends know you have a boyfriend. Lots of girls gossip about sex and stuff with their female friends, so basically you only feel bad because your friends are male?

 

I have more male friends than female friends, but we're just friends. We talk about their girlfriends and my boyfriend, and we occasionally talk about personal things as well as more general topics. Am I in the wrong because my closest friends are male and not female? Would it be different if I was gossiping about personal topics with other women instead of men?

 

I guess my whole problem is guilt really. And the fact that I know these guys are "interested" in me, I should set boundaries. Which I'm learning how to do. See, I'm only 17 and my boyfriend is 21. He's a little more stable then I am, where as I'm still learning about myself and how I interact with people. He used to be a player, but with age, he's a faithful boyfriend now. I have told him I'm resentful because he's had more time to test the waters, and I'm in a relationship where I can't test the waters any more with out guilt or a break-up. So I have to decide, do I want more time to experiment, or do I want to be with him. And I want to be with him, so I need to stop "experimenting" I guess. My problem really is solved, in the sense that now I feel like I know what I need to do.

[Eeyore79]

I don't have a problem with guilt. Sure, I have male friends, but they know I'm in a relationship and they respect that, just like I respect their relationships. I'm not doing anything that I should feel guilty about; loads of women gossip about relationships and sex and stuff with their female friends, so I don't see why I should avoid such topics with my friends who happen to be male.

 

I know that some of my male friends think I'm attractive, and I think some of them are decent too, but we're just friends and we're both in relationships with other people. We're grown-ups, and we're capable of having platonic friendships with other attractive people. I also have a lesbian friend who thinks I'm pretty - is it not ok for me to talk to her either? It just seems pretty immature to say that people can't have open conversations with opposite-sex friends without feeling guilty.

[Brittany.]

I don't have a problem with guilt. Sure, I have male friends, but they know I'm in a relationship and they respect that, just like I respect their relationships. I'm not doing anything that I should feel guilty about; loads of women gossip about relationships and sex and stuff with their female friends, so I don't see why I should avoid such topics with my friends who happen to be male.

 

I know that some of my male friends think I'm attractive, and I think some of them are decent too, but we're just friends and we're both in relationships with other people. We're grown-ups, and we're capable of having platonic friendships with other attractive people. I also have a lesbian friend who thinks I'm pretty - is it not ok for me to talk to her either? It just seems pretty immature to say that people can't have open conversations with opposite-sex friends without feeling guilty.

 

But that isn't what I'm saying... Not every one is in my particular situation. You may be able to just talk to guy friends openly like I do, but the difference is that I really enjoy the attention. It's all about the attention for me. Again, I'm still learning things.

 

So I'm not saying people can't have open conversations, maybe some others in this post are, but I myself am not. I just think my motives and emotions behind it are what makes me feel guilty.