SO found nude pic on my comp

[shadowofman]

And now she claims that I don't love her enough because I knew that she wouldn't be happy that I had them. Can I make the claim that since she demands that I get rid of them that she doesn't love me enough to respect my freedom?

[Owl]

Why not respect her wishes and get rid of it?

[JamesM]

Why not respect her wishes and get rid of it?

 

Agree.

 

Aren't you the guy who said he could not stay in a committed relationship and needed more than one person or someone from the same sex, too?

 

Or do I have the wrong guy?

[dreamingoftigers]

And now she claims that I don't love her enough because I knew that she wouldn't be happy that I had them. Can I make the claim that since she demands that I get rid of them that she doesn't love me enough to respect my freedom?

 

No, you can't make that claim because she is right.

If you did love her enough you would respect her boundaries and feelings on the subject or at the very least be honest about them without trying to strike back with a lame argument.

[ADF]

Sadly, your SO is utterly naive about male sexulaity. ALL MEN LOOK AT PORN. And it means NOTHING interms of their commitment or desire for their partner.

 

There's only one real solution. You have to pretend to be the one guy on earth who doesn't look at nude pictures out of respect or her feelings, and she has to pretedn to believe that nonsense out of respect for yours.

[heartmonster]

My SO and I have had this problem before, all I have to say is that when you are in a serious,commited relationship.....your freedom isnt really top priority,. .. if that's the case then you should be single.

[sally4sara]

Don't date people who's boundaries you can't respect. You knew her boundary, you chose to date her anyway while stepping over it.

[MadMission]

And now she claims that I don't love her enough because I knew that she wouldn't be happy that I had them. Can I make the claim that since she demands that I get rid of them that she doesn't love me enough to respect my freedom?

 

This is not about 'respecting your freedom.'

This is about being sensitive and avoiding doing things which you know will be hurtful to your SO...because you care about her and her feelings. That's all.

 

I don't know your 'story,' but if you are a WS, she is likely already struggling to believe that you care about her and her feelings. So, when you do something which you KNOW will hurt her feelings, it only reinforces that you do not care and that she is unimportant to you....that her and her feelings don't matter.

 

And, on the heels of infidelity, it generally would not be good to be looking at nude pics of other women. To her, it feels the same...that another woman has your interest, attention, thoughts, etc. It's too 'close' to an A. It conveys a lot of the same messages as an A. I am NOT saying that looking at a nude pic IS an A. But, if you have cheated in the past, that changes everything ... including the impact of your interest in ANY other woman... in any form... whom you are attracted to on any level, in any way...even on a flat screen. It just does.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sadly, your SO is utterly naive about male sexulaity. ALL MEN LOOK AT PORN. And it means NOTHING interms of their commitment or desire for their partner.

 

There's only one real solution. You have to pretend to be the one guy on earth who doesn't look at nude pictures out of respect or her feelings, and she has to pretedn to believe that nonsense out of respect for yours.

 

Or he could just be honest, something some of you guys don't seem to try to often so you might not know how it works.

[dreamingoftigers]

This is not about 'respecting your freedom.'

This is about being sensitive and avoiding doing things which you know will be hurtful to your SO...because you care about her and her feelings. That's all.

 

I don't know your 'story,' but if you are a WS, she is likely already struggling to believe that you care about her and her feelings. So, when you do something which you KNOW will hurt her feelings, it only reinforces that you do not care and that she is unimportant to you....that her and her feelings don't matter.

 

And, on the heels of infidelity, it generally would not be good to be looking at nude pics of other women. To her, it feels the same...that another woman has your interest, attention, thoughts, etc. It's too 'close' to an A. It conveys a lot of the same messages as an A. I am NOT saying that looking at a nude pic IS an A. But, if you have cheated in the past, that changes everything ... including the impact of your interest in ANY other woman... in any form... whom you are attracted to on any level, in any way...even on a flat screen. It just does.

 

Totally true!

[Left in a Lurch]

I find it funny women seem to react to things like this and blow it out of proportion, yet most of them have no problem having posters or screen savers of the guys from Twilight on their pc at work, or having certain actors where they are first in line to watch any new movie they are in.

 

Every woman I have dated has had the one actor she was hot for and she had no problem talking about it and as an adult I realized I will never be the hottest guy she has ever seen no matter what she says. If she wanted to have a screen saver of that guy, more power to her. I figured I was the one with her and I must rate as good in her eyes as whoever that actor was. (The girl that was into Nicolas Cage kind of made me question how she saw me though).

 

If a guy has a topless picture of a woman on his computer it is a huge issue for women. If a woman has a shirtless picture of Matthew McConaughy (or however you spell it) or some random shirtless guy on their computer, they see no issue at all.

[Ann_Igma]

If a guy has a topless picture of a woman on his computer it is a huge issue for women. If a woman has a shirtless picture of Matthew McConaughy (or however you spell it) or some random shirtless guy on their computer, they see no issue at all.

 

 

First, that's a bit of a ridiculous comparison since the topless male body is viewed as less sexual as the topless female body in our society. Men can legally run around shirtless in the summertime, but there are still occasional cases of women being kicked out of public places for indecent exposure when all they are doing is breastfeeding. Heaven forbid they go so far as to walk around topless!

 

As for women having issues - I had no problem with my husband looking at porn or even checking out scantily clad women. Even now after his EA, I still don't have a problem with this.

 

But are you sure this is what's going on in the OP's case? Is it standard anonymous porn, or is it a naked picture of someone he actually knows? Makes a *big* difference to his SO's reaction.

 

But either way, at the end of the day, it's about respecting boundaries. If a guy has a problem with a woman having pictures of other men, he has just as much right to express his concerns to her as she does if the situation is reversed.

 

If the actions of one partner are making the other partner uncomfortable, then the issue needs to be discussed and some sort of resolution needs to be reached. Simple as, imo.

[You Go Girl]

The author of this thread has always had open relationships in the past. He has written on other threads how he wants one now, and his SO doesn't.

Pics pale in comparison, but it's the same ****, different venue.

 

SOM, you need to be who you are, go get what you want, and be honest in your relationships.

If you can't do this--then you're not a man, but a mouse, simple as that.........

[dreamingoftigers]

I find it funny women seem to react to things like this and blow it out of proportion, yet most of them have no problem having posters or screen savers of the guys from Twilight on their pc at work, or having certain actors where they are first in line to watch any new movie they are in.

 

Every woman I have dated has had the one actor she was hot for and she had no problem talking about it and as an adult I realized I will never be the hottest guy she has ever seen no matter what she says. If she wanted to have a screen saver of that guy, more power to her. I figured I was the one with her and I must rate as good in her eyes as whoever that actor was. (The girl that was into Nicolas Cage kind of made me question how she saw me though).

 

If a guy has a topless picture of a woman on his computer it is a huge issue for women. If a woman has a shirtless picture of Matthew McConaughy (or however you spell it) or some random shirtless guy on their computer, they see no issue at all.

 

Just because you don't agree with how certain women feel doesn't mean that they are wrong.

 

I think it is very cheesy to have the hots for an actor past the teenage years.

[You Go Girl]

Just because you don't agree with how certain women feel doesn't mean that they are wrong.

 

I think it is very cheesy to have the hots for an actor past the teenage years.

 

I don't think it is wrong to find someone other than the SO beautiful or handsome.

There's beautiful people everywhere. Some are strangers on the street, some are friends, etc.

Appreciating their sexual side though, is off limits in a committed relationship. You can't avoid seeing a hot bikini clad woman on a busy beach, but you can be more refined and grounded than the type who are searching for eye candy all day long. There's a difference!

And using their image as a type of infidelity, is wrong.

Everybody, just about, in a LTR will at some point have a crush on a person they know or a hollywood type, imagine something sexual with them, but, they get over it.

However some have a type of serial imaginary infidelity, or worse, serial real infidelity. Neither is ok in my book.

[Left in a Lurch]

First, that's a bit of a ridiculous comparison since the topless male body is viewed as less sexual as the topless female body in our society. Men can legally run around shirtless in the summertime, but there are still occasional cases of women being kicked out of public places for indecent exposure when all they are doing is breastfeeding. Heaven forbid they go so far as to walk around topless!

 

Only in America. Canada allows women topless, other countries have topless beaches galore. They also allow topless women on prime time tv. The result is the same, men find women topless sexy, women find shirtless men sexy regardless of what is 'taboo'. If a topless female is VIEWED as more sexual it is because that person decides for themselves to view it as more sexual. Besides, in America what is taboo today is common place tomorrow.

 

If there is a social stigma on womens breasts, it's just that, a social stigma. It doesn't make it wrong or more sexual for a man to appreciate a topless women the same as a woman appreciates a shirtless man just because a society is repressed in certain areas.

 

A guy looking at a topless woman in a picture is doing it for the same reasons as a woman looking at a shirtless guy, they both find it sexy. But someone somewhere decided breasts are taboo for some random reason.

[Green]

If the picture doesn't mean much then get rid of it. If you don't like the way she talked to you then call her on that " I'm getting rid of the picture because I see it means a lot to you but don't disrespect me by ordering me to do things"...

[tuquoque]

What Shadowofman fails to mention is that the naked pictures on his computers weren't mere pornography. His SO can handle him looking at porn. It is to be expected. He is male. Shadowofman had nude photos of his exgirlfriend. His SO also knows that she is violating his privacy, but is sick of being told that her emotions are silly and irrational.

[jmargel]

My SO and I have had this problem before, all I have to say is that when you are in a serious,commited relationship.....your freedom isnt really top priority,. .. if that's the case then you should be single.

 

So just because the woman has insecurity issues that the guy can't be a 'guy'?

 

I mean honestly it's ridicilious. There are two people I know and when I go out if me OR her bf look at another chick she gets pissed. I'm like why are you getting pissed at me? Her answer 'It's because she's insecure and we should respect that'.

 

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone that insecure. And the reality is, the more insecure a person is the more apt that THEY are the ones to cheat.

 

Being in a committed relationship shouldn't hinder your freedom. It's all about boundaries and respect towards each other.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Wow nude pictures of his ex girlfriend???

 

Dumb ass should have used a password and encryption on the file. Why is he keeping pictures of his ex in plain sight, did he think she would not look!!!

 

[ADF]

Or he could just be honest, something some of you guys don't seem to try to often so you might not know how it works.

 

By being honest, I assume you mean looking at porn right in front of her face, no mattter how much it offends here? Yeah, that'll work--LOL.

 

Honesty shouldn't even enter into this. The fact this woman was even surprised about finding the nude pic shows she's pretty naive and unsophisticated, at least with regards to this issue. Most women who are at all worldy just assume their men look at porn from time to time.

[FryFish]

Ok... so shadowofman wants to keep naked pictures of exgirlfriends... Then when his currect girlfriend finds them he wants to go about "making claims" about freedom or somesuch... He sounds like a complete sociopath and probably should NOT be in a relationship. Dump him tuquoque

[sally4sara]

If I met a guy who insisted no girl he dates can have male friends and I dated him anyway, I have little room to complain about his preference.

If I dated him knowing this and decided his preference was crap, kept male friends anyway - I become a liar and a cheat. And I'd have built a relationship on disrespect. Is it any wonder that this relationship would be horrific?

 

I'd just not date him.

[dreamingoftigers]

Only in America. Canada allows women topless, other countries have topless beaches galore. They also allow topless women on prime time tv. The result is the same, men find women topless sexy, women find shirtless men sexy regardless of what is 'taboo'. If a topless female is VIEWED as more sexual it is because that person decides for themselves to view it as more sexual. Besides, in America what is taboo today is common place tomorrow.

 

If there is a social stigma on womens breasts, it's just that, a social stigma. It doesn't make it wrong or more sexual for a man to appreciate a topless women the same as a woman appreciates a shirtless man just because a society is repressed in certain areas.

 

A guy looking at a topless woman in a picture is doing it for the same reasons as a woman looking at a shirtless guy, they both find it sexy. But someone somewhere decided breasts are taboo for some random reason.

 

I am Canadian and although the law was changed to allow women to be topless in public, (Aside from breastfeeding but even still its not like I have ever seen anyone make an effort to flash it around). I have actually NEVER seen it and I have been all over the country. All ten provinces and two of three territories. I travelled for over 2 years. It is still heavily stigmatized.

[TaraMaiden]

And now she claims that I don't love her enough because I knew that she wouldn't be happy that I had them. Can I make the claim that since she demands that I get rid of them that she doesn't love me enough to respect my freedom?

 

No because you knew the deal before you had the pictures, or at least while you had them.

you knew this was something she wouldn't like, yet you did it anyway.

The bottom line is, that you would rather be in a relationship where although there was a constancy in your feelings for one another, having a physical liaison with someone else wouldn't be an issue for either of you.

 

I know you would rather you were in a more liberated situation, but you know this is unacceptable to her.

I actually don't know if this is something you'd rather just have for yourself, or whether you'd be quite content for your GF to be equally "liberated."

 

How would it make you feel to know she was coming home from work late because she'd just been to bed for a quickie with another guy?

Honestly, I am just asking. It's not intended as a challenge.

The thing is, regardless actually, of how it may make you feel, you know it's not going to happen.

She wants a man who is totally committed to her, has eyes for nobody ese, and wants only her....

 

so I actually think this situation takes things to a deeper level.

Are you going to be happy to remain in this relationship knowing your own personally perceived needs are going to go unattended to? Especially now that she feels you have betrayed her trust?

 

How is this actually ever going to successfully work in the long run, if neither of you are actually happy with what you have right now? And furthermore, are unlikely to have?