SO found nude pic on my comp

[dreamingoftigers]

By being honest, I assume you mean looking at porn right in front of her face, no mattter how much it offends here? Yeah, that'll work--LOL.

 

Honesty shouldn't even enter into this. The fact this woman was even surprised about finding the nude pic shows she's pretty naive and unsophisticated, at least with regards to this issue. Most women who are at all worldy just assume their men look at porn from time to time.

 

From one extreme to the next eh? Brilliant. Either you are hiding and lying about it or you are rubbing her face in it.

 

Try saying the honest words: I look at porn/naked ex-gfs. I am going to. I would like to continue to do so. I do/do not consider this to be infidelity. That is my choice, you have yours to make if you would like to keep this relationship or not.

 

That was everyone is on the same playing field instead of playing some stupid game. You are the type that makes more honest guys look bad.

[xxoo]

What Shadowofman fails to mention is that the naked pictures on his computers weren't mere pornography. His SO can handle him looking at porn. It is to be expected. He is male. Shadowofman had nude photos of his exgirlfriend. His SO also knows that she is violating his privacy, but is sick of being told that her emotions are silly and irrational.

 

Advice for both of you:

 

Be honest about what you need from a relationship. Be open to hearing what your SO needs. Are you compatible? Is this relationship going to meet your needs?

 

It isn't about love each other enough. But, yes SOM, if you choose to be in the relationship, you need to respect her feelings about the nude ex photos. And not just hide the photos! There is no relationship worth saving if you are hiding and she is snooping. What good is that?

[TaraMaiden]

I'd like to make it officially known here that this assertion that "all men look at porn, it's wired in/genetic/natural/ever single guy looks at porn" is balloney.

My partner never - but never - looks at porn.

Truly. I really do know this for an absolute fact.

It never crosses his mind, he's deeply fastidious about such things, and it just does nothing for him.

[shadowofman]

I deleted it right away. Unfortunately I can not for the life of me understand why I had to. It's a womans world I guess.

 

She is tolerant of me enjoying porn. But the pic was of an ex so that is over the line. This is also illogical to me.

 

I am not happy about the forced compliance, but I have to say that the pic was just an simple booby pic. Cute but not even masturbation worthy. Porn is way better. If I were her, I would have let me keep the booby pic and banned the porn.

[SavannahSmiles]

I find it funny women seem to react to things like this and blow it out of proportion, yet most of them have no problem having posters or screen savers of the guys from Twilight on their pc at work, or having certain actors where they are first in line to watch any new movie they are in.

 

Every woman I have dated has had the one actor she was hot for and she had no problem talking about it and as an adult I realized I will never be the hottest guy she has ever seen no matter what she says. If she wanted to have a screen saver of that guy, more power to her. I figured I was the one with her and I must rate as good in her eyes as whoever that actor was. (The girl that was into Nicolas Cage kind of made me question how she saw me though).

 

If a guy has a topless picture of a woman on his computer it is a huge issue for women. If a woman has a shirtless picture of Matthew McConaughy (or however you spell it) or some random shirtless guy on their computer, they see no issue at all.

 

 

I must agree here! I wouldn't care a toot if my hubby had a nude pic on his computer. He's seen all my pics of the docs from Nip/Tuck and shirtless pics of various dudes I like. As long as it's not a pic of a person he actually knows, I wouldn't have a problem with it! If it's just some random naked chick, I don't care! Having said that, if it bothered hubby to have my hot men pics, I'd respect that and not have them. It's not like I couldn't live without Sean and Christian.

[sally4sara]

I deleted it right away. Unfortunately I can not for the life of me understand why I had to. It's a womans world I guess.

 

She is tolerant of me enjoying porn. But the pic was of an ex so that is over the line. This is also illogical to me.

 

I am not happy about the forced compliance, but I have to say that the pic was just an simple booby pic. Cute but not even masturbation worthy. Porn is way better. If I were her, I would have let me keep the booby pic and banned the porn.

 

By knowing she would not like you having that picture and keeping it anyway, you forced her compliance with your standards up until she discovered it.

 

The problem is a matter of being unable to see you are guilty of what you are now complaining about her doing and a lack of general sexual compatibility.

[shadowofman]

SOM, you need to be who you are, go get what you want, and be honest in your relationships.

If you can't do this--then you're not a man, but a mouse, simple as that.........

 

I agree that this seems the best option. I am not a mouse in the sense that I can articulate these things like a man. But I really do love this woman. I have decided to life my life respecting her feelings. I think her feelings are blown out of proportion, but I have backed off. I won't keep pics of girls I know anymore. If she grows a sensitivity to porn, I might have to say that I can't handle that.

[xxoo]

I am not happy about the forced compliance, but I have to say that the pic was just an simple booby pic. Cute but not even masturbation worthy. Porn is way better. If I were her, I would have let me keep the booby pic and banned the porn.

 

It isn't forced compliance. You are free to go, right? If you choose her, then, yes, you have to respect her boundaries. Whether you view it as "force" or "choice" will likely affect your satisfaction with the relationship. If it starts feeling like force, maybe you should listen to that little voice inside of you and reconsider the relationship.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'd like to make it officially known here that this assertion that "all men look at porn, it's wired in/genetic/natural/ever single guy looks at porn" is balloney.

My partner never - but never - looks at porn.

Truly. I really do know this for an absolute fact.

It never crosses his mind, he's deeply fastidious about such things, and it just does nothing for him.

 

My ex didn't look at porn. He was REALLY against it. He said he didn't want to become like a lot of other guys that just turned into slimebags.

He always seemed pretty fascinated with my body too, I miss that.

[FryFish]

I deleted it right away. Unfortunately I can not for the life of me understand why I had to.

Because it was a naked picture of a girl you used to ****....

 

It's a womans world I guess.

sociopath

 

She is tolerant of me enjoying porn. But the pic was of an ex so that is over the line. This is also illogical to me.

If you cant tell the difference between a girl you never met and a girl you used to love then you dont actually feel love. Sociopath.

 

I am not happy about the forced compliance, but I have to say that the pic was just an simple booby pic. Cute but not even masturbation worthy. Porn is way better. If I were her, I would have let me keep the booby pic and banned the porn.

You dont form real or deep connections to people around you do you...

[Ann_Igma]

Only in America. Canada allows women topless, other countries have topless beaches galore. They also allow topless women on prime time tv. The result is the same, men find women topless sexy, women find shirtless men sexy regardless of what is 'taboo'. If a topless female is VIEWED as more sexual it is because that person decides for themselves to view it as more sexual. Besides, in America what is taboo today is common place tomorrow.

 

If there is a social stigma on womens breasts, it's just that, a social stigma. It doesn't make it wrong or more sexual for a man to appreciate a topless women the same as a woman appreciates a shirtless man just because a society is repressed in certain areas.

 

A guy looking at a topless woman in a picture is doing it for the same reasons as a woman looking at a shirtless guy, they both find it sexy. But someone somewhere decided breasts are taboo for some random reason.

 

I'm not in America, but thanks for playing. Toplessness is only allowed for women in very few whole countries. Sure, there are a few regions in a few European countries (especially around the Mediterranean), and a few other regions in the rest of the world - including a few states in the US. But it's illegal in FAR more places than it's legal - because in this society female breasts are viewed as inherently more sexual than a male chest. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying it is what it is and that your comparison was therefore skewed. It would make more sense to compare a picture of a topless man to a picture of a scantily clad woman. Or a picture of a topless woman to a picture of a man's bare backside... But comparing pictures of a topless woman to that a topless man is like comparing apples and oranges.

Because society in general deems that one is more sexual than the other, a lot of people will see it that way too. There was a time when men would find a woman's bare ankles to be titillating because there was a social stigma against them being shown. At this present time, right or wrong, most westerners are far more desensitized to the sight of a naked male chest than we are to a naked female chest. The two are not currently equal.

 

Pedantry aside, my larger point, and what I devoted a lot more typing to in that first post were my opinions that 1) We don't (didn't) know whether it was just standard porn the OP had or whether it was a picture of someone he knew - which would naturally carry totally different gravity to his SO (and to most other SO's!) and 2) It doesn't matter whether you or I or the OP carry a different opinion than the OP's SO - If she is uncomfortable with his actions whilst they are in a relationship, he should be discussing this with her in a civil manner and finding a way to resolve it - NOT blaming her for feeling uncomfortable.

 

Tuquoque - If you are the SO of the OP, then I just want to say that I think you are entirely justified in the way that you feel. You are not being irrational or silly at all and I hope that you don't allow the OP to make you feel that way.

[shadowofman]

Would it be okay for her to have nudie pix of her ex boyfriends? A little momento from someone she was intimate with? Maybe a little reminder of the good times? You wouldn't find that totally disrespectful of your current relationship?

 

Of course I would be fine with it. I would be fine if they were ****ing. Of course I would not be fine with it if I were prohibited. I would be against the hypocrisy.

 

You dont form real or deep connections to people around you do you...

 

Maybe I am a sociopath. How would I know? I feel like I form deep connections with people. But I view sexual intercourse much like I view any other form of massage. I am also capable of real love making. I define this as sensual massage with someone I love deeply.

 

Also I used the term "forced". I agree that it is unhealthy to term it as such. I chose to get rid of it out of respect for her extreme feelings. I knew she wouldn't like it, but I had no idea she would cry over it. I am not insensitive to her feelings. I am also not supersensitive to her feelings.

[shadowofman]

where is tuquoque?

[xxoo]

. I knew she wouldn't like it, but I had no idea she would cry over it. I am not insensitive to her feelings. I am also not supersensitive to her feelings.

 

Why isn't it enough that you knew she wouldn't like it? What else do you do, knowing she wouldn't like it, up until she is in tears? Are you teaching her to overreact in order to get through to you?

 

His SO also knows that she is violating his privacy, but is sick of being told that her emotions are silly and irrational.

 

Her pov on your sensitivity to her feelings.

[Owl]

So here's my take.

 

You live in a relationship under a mutually agreed upon set of expectations between each other. You can consider them rules, or boundaries if you like. Regardless, the idea is that if you want to remain in the relationship, you'll adhere to these agreed upon "limits".

 

You don't appear to like the boundaries/expectations/limits that the two of you have agreed upon. You sound like you're rebelling against them. You sound as though you've 'grudgingly' agreed to them, rather than willingly.

 

Not a good situation, my friend.

 

You need to seriously reconsider what you're doing. Either you need to reset the agreed upon expectations in the relationship to something you can both WILLINGLY agree upon, or you need to decide if this relationship really is for you.

 

It's got to be setup so that you're both happy with where it is, and where it's headed. If you're not, or if she's not...why continue it at all?

 

You sound like you place more value on freedom than you do on her feelings of security in the relationship...again...something to consider.

[Art_Critic]

I am not happy about the forced compliance, but I have to say that the pic was just an simple booby pic. Cute but not even masturbation worthy. Porn is way better. If I were her, I would have let me keep the booby pic and banned the porn.

 

ahhh.. but the picture of the ex shows that you are living in the past somewhat.. keeping those kinds of keepsakes are just that..

The problem is that is is somewhat disrespectful to the relationship to do this..

 

I'm sure your GF isn't upset about you cracking one off to porn or any picture.. except a picture of someone you used to date and have feelings for and someone you used to bone.

 

It stroked her insecurity gland about your current relationship and your reaction has reaffirmed it in her eyes..

Do you even care that you hurt her feelings about this ?

 

Are to say that you would be okay with her having a picture of her ex naked on her computer from her last relationship..even xxx.. how about one of her ex driving it home ?

Edited May 4, 2010 by Art_Critic

[shadowofman]

What Shadowofman fails to mention is that the naked pictures on his computers weren't mere pornography. His SO can handle him looking at porn. It is to be expected. He is male. Shadowofman had nude photos of his exgirlfriend. His SO also knows that she is violating his privacy, but is sick of being told that her emotions are silly and irrational.

 

Ah. There she is. Yes Tuquoque is my SO. And I love her with all my heart. :love::love::love::love::love::love::love:

We do have a sexual incompatibility which I am attempting to understand and reconcile.

 

The pictures were not nearly as sexy as pornography.

They were merely boob pics, a part of the anatomy that I believe should not even be so sexualized.

I have no problem with my SO violating my privacy, in a committed relationship all should be shared, even that which hurts each others feelings.

I'm sorry you are sick of your feelings being marginalized, but I expect and receive the same. I was just called a sociopath, and if that is the majority opinion, then I have to accept that.

I fully accept that I feel irrational things. And they are very silly. I don't think these are dirty words.

[TaraMaiden]

My ex didn't look at porn. He was REALLY against it. He said he didn't want to become like a lot of other guys that just turned into slimebags.

He always seemed pretty fascinated with my body too, I miss that.

I'm glad I'm not alone in this.

My partner truly believes that for a man to be looking at porn (going for ultra-skimmed thin, wishy-washy health-milk) is an insult to the full-cream luxurious gold-top milk he has at home...

 

And he wouldn't dream of looking at pictures of his exes -clothed or otherwise.

Those episodes are finished, to him. There is no interest there, it's in the past, and he - and they - over it. if he wanted to look at breasts, there are plenty of others he could look at.

To gaze at pictures of an ex- is disrespectful.

To a woman this says:

"I love you, I'm with you, but I'm not entirely happy. It's just that I have a thing about my ex's breasts, they are really attractive and they turn me on. Notice I don't have nude pictures of you on my computer. That's because you don't turn me on quite as much, although she is just a picture, and I am no longer with her, and you are here with me, and I have the real thing, not just an image. It's still not enough, but she does it for me."

 

That's why your GF objects.

Porn is one thing.

This is insulting to her as your GF.

[dreamingoftigers]

It's actually kind of funny, my ex was the most considerate lover I ever had, he was also the only guy I was with that didn't look at porn.

 

Let the guys line up and bash, but it is the truth.

[xxoo]

I fully accept that I feel irrational things. And they are very silly. I don't think these are dirty words.

 

This semantics thing you do....

 

Yes, they are just words. But different words truly have different meanings and implications. That is why we have so many of them, all unique.

 

Silly and irrational are dismissive word choices. They imply that her feelings are not worth considering. Keeping photos that you KNOW will upset her reinforce that message ("yes, I know your feelings, but they are silly and not worth respecting").

 

Acknowledging that your own feelings are sometimes silly and irrational is not comparable to calling your SO's feelings these things. I'm sure she thinks her own feelings are silly sometimes. Apparently, this is not one of them.

[FryFish]

You two are, tara and tigers, are clearly... confused. You had boyfriends that hid the porn from you. Good on them for making you feel good. Bad on them for lying.

 

But this thread isnt about porn. Its about sociopaths who like to pretend they feel love.

[dreamingoftigers]

Dude, between this thread and the other one, you need to figure out what you really want. Then decide what is worth the sacrifice because you can't have it all. No one can have it all.

[shadowofman]

Why isn't it enough that you knew she wouldn't like it? What else do you do, knowing she wouldn't like it, up until she is in tears? Are you teaching her to overreact in order to get through to you?

 

She does things that I don't like, but I don't tell her because I believe them to be irrational. I also have a particular song as my ring tone for that girl. I know she doesn't like that so I changed it before it upset her to the point of tears.

 

You live in a relationship under a mutually agreed upon set of expectations between each other. You can consider them rules, or boundaries if you like. Regardless, the idea is that if you want to remain in the relationship, you'll adhere to these agreed upon "limits".

 

Agreed. I am fine tuning these boundaries as far as I can perceive them. And I am choosing to comply to her feelings, while expressing my disagreement in their logic.

 

You don't appear to like the boundaries/expectations/limits that the two of you have agreed upon. You sound like you're rebelling against them. You sound as though you've 'grudgingly' agreed to them, rather than willingly.

 

Almost correct. I am expressing my dissent. But I am willingly accepting them. Not sure if my irrational expectations would be met with such....

 

You sound like you place more value on freedom than you do on her feelings of security in the relationship...again...something to consider.

 

I do value freedom greatly, but I am signing my freedom away because her feelings mean more to me. That said, I can't help if my honest expression hurts anyones feelings. Most would agree that to lie would be worse.

 

ahhh.. but the picture of the ex shows that you are living in the past somewhat.. keeping those kinds of keepsakes are just that..

The problem is that is is somewhat disrespectful to the relationship to do this..

 

I'm sure your GF isn't upset about you cracking one off to porn or any picture.. except a picture of someone you used to date and have feelings for and someone you used to bone.

 

It stroked her insecurity gland about your current relationship and your reaction has reaffirmed it in her eyes..

Do you even care that you hurt her feelings about this ?

 

Are to say that you would be okay with her having a picture of her ex naked on her computer from her last relationship..even xxx.. how about one of her ex driving it home ?

 

This speaks to me. I do care that I hurt her feelings. As I have said, I knew she wouldn't like me having them, but I didn't know it would hurt her so.

As for her ex, she can do anything that makes her happy including sexual relationships with her exes. But I could not deal with hypocrisy. As of right now, I don't even want her talking to her ex. It hurts her feelings when I speak to mine.

 

"I love you, I'm with you, but I'm not entirely happy. It's just that I have a thing about my ex's breasts, they are really attractive and they turn me on. Notice I don't have nude pictures of you on my computer. That's because you don't turn me on quite as much, although she is just a picture, and I am no longer with her, and you are here with me, and I have the real thing, not just an image. It's still not enough, but she does it for me."

 

I understand that this can be a perception, but it is just an assumption. Tuquoque does it for me completely. I have never even become erect from looking at those pics of my ex. They are not that sexy. I'd rather look at Tu or porn. I would put naked pics of Tu on my comp if I had any.

[shadowofman]

You two are, tara and tigers, are clearly... confused. You had boyfriends that hid the porn from you. Good on them for making you feel good. Bad on them for lying.

 

But this thread isnt about porn. Its about sociopaths who like to pretend they feel love.

 

I enjoy this fully. It challenges me. How should I behave if in fact my love for Tu is real?

[FryFish]

She does things that I don't like, but I don't tell her because I believe them to be irrational. I also have a particular song as my ring tone for that girl. I know she doesn't like that so I changed it before it upset her to the point of tears.

Why do you even talk to that girl at all? If you dont see how these things are upsetting to her then your brain is seriously broken. Im not trying to "troll" or "flame" Im simply stating a reality.

 

But I am willingly accepting them.

This is not true.

 

As for her ex, she can do anything that makes her happy including sexual relationships with her exes.

Ya, you dont actually experience human emotions. Break up with this girl before you ruin her life.

 

But I could not deal with hypocrisy. As of right now, I don't even want her talking to her ex.

You know, that is how most people in relationships feel anyways... not as a matter of "playing fair".

 

It hurts her feelings when I speak to mine.

You dont understand how you keeping naked pics of your ex hurts her feelings. You dont understand how staying in contact with your ex, whom you keep naked pics of, hurts her feelings. You dont understand how giving your ex, whom you still talk to and keep naked pics of, her own RINGTONE hurts your girlfriends feelings... There is no question that you are a sociopath at this point. You need to GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP!