SO found nude pic on my comp

[FryFish]

How should I behave if in fact my love for Tu is real?

Like oyu love her... It comes naturally to most humans... It doesnt for you. That should be a clue for you.

[xxoo]

As for her ex, she can do anything that makes her happy including sexual relationships with her exes.

 

I believe this is true for you....but you have to accept that this is not typical for most people. You are the one whose thinking is "atypical" here.

 

Also, even people who separate sex and love, and have open relationship, still usually have some boundaries and some "off limits" people. If you can not relate to that at all, that is truly curious.

 

How should I behave if in fact my love for Tu is real?

 

Love is a verb. If you choose to love her, you do your best to love her the way she wants to be loved, within your capacities. And she does the same, within her capacities. If those capacities do not overlap in a way that brings both of you satisfaction, then you love her by letting her go and finding someone else more compatible.

[dreamingoftigers]

You two are, tara and tigers, are clearly... confused. You had boyfriends that hid the porn from you. Good on them for making you feel good. Bad on them for lying.

 

But this thread isnt about porn. Its about sociopaths who like to pretend they feel love.

 

Um, he didn't even have a computer and we were both pretty intertwined. LOL just because a guy doesn't look at porn doesn't mean he is lying. At the time I was okay being in a relationship with a guy that looked at porn. My exes up to that point did and I didn't have a problem with it. He didn't want that in his life and I thought he was a bit of a stick in the mud for it, but then our sex life was pretty great and I got used to being an only woman. After having discovered what a relationship without porn was like I made that a standard for getting involved with someone again, especially since I had my own vulnerability to it.

 

If you knew my ex, then you would know he wasn't the type for it.

[ADF]

From one extreme to the next eh? Brilliant. Either you are hiding and lying about it or you are rubbing her face in it.

 

Try saying the honest words: I look at porn/naked ex-gfs. I am going to. I would like to continue to do so. I do/do not consider this to be infidelity. That is my choice, you have yours to make if you would like to keep this relationship or not.

 

That was everyone is on the same playing field instead of playing some stupid game. You are the type that makes more honest guys look bad.

 

Sorry, but I am the one trying to avoid extremes. Of course a man's SO is going to know he occasionally looks at porn. But that doesn't mean he has to rub it in her face and taunt her with it. I am suggesting he tell the truth--that he will look at porn now and then--but that he agree not to do so in front of her. Why is this so hard to understand?

 

BTW, I would not consider pics of ex-GFs in the same category as porn. I think a woman is well within her rights to demand her man dispose of such pictures.

[dreamingoftigers]

I enjoy this fully. It challenges me. How should I behave if in fact my love for Tu is real?

 

I would get rid of everything dealing with your ex at this point.

 

Clearly there is a bonding issue here, I am willing to bet you have a sexual addiction, often these people don't feel guilt or remorse over their actions and feel completely justified with their sexual behaviour.

 

Btw.. those feelings come with the oxytocin and vasopressin (sp?) I was mentioning in the other thread.

 

Just try keeping to her for three months if you can and see if your perception of things changes. It'll be a challenge but I bet that things with you will improve and you may in fact be able to empathize with her much better. Just be sexual with her and nothing else. Try it. I am not saying it will be fun at first.

[FryFish]

If you knew my ex, then you would know he wasn't the type for it.

The only type of guy that I have ever known to not look at porn is the type that is actually recovering from porn addiction... and I have only ever known two. Beyond that, most guys look at porn to masturbate and most of them lie to their SO's about it.

[shadowofman]

Why do you even talk to that girl at all? If you dont see how these things are upsetting to her then your brain is seriously broken. Im not trying to "troll" or "flame" Im simply stating a reality.

 

Because she is my friend and I care about her. If I were to stop talking to her out of respect of my SO's feelings, then I would expect that she stop talking to her ex. Which I am not very comfortable with.

 

Is that reasonable? Her Ex is also her best friend.

 

You dont understand how you keeping naked pics of your ex hurts her feelings. You dont understand how staying in contact with your ex, whom you keep naked pics of, hurts her feelings. You dont understand how giving your ex, whom you still talk to and keep naked pics of, her own RINGTONE hurts your girlfriends feelings... There is no question that you are a sociopath at this point. You need to GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP!

 

So maybe you are right. But maybe I don't want to exhibit sociopathic behavior anymore. I have deleted the pics. I will stop talking to a friend. Should I demand the same?

[Dexter Morgan]

And now she claims that I don't love her enough because I knew that she wouldn't be happy that I had them. Can I make the claim that since she demands that I get rid of them that she doesn't love me enough to respect my freedom?

 

You can claim whatever you want, it won't make you look any less silly for being busted. Your counter claim would be a flippant response to being caught.

[shadowofman]

You can claim whatever you want, it won't make you look any less silly for being busted. Your counter claim would be a flippant response to being caught.

 

I don't consider it being busted because I wasn't hiding it. I wasn't caught. She looked and saw something she didn't like about my behavior. Cried about it and I changed my behavior.

[You Go Girl]

You two are, tara and tigers, are clearly... confused. You had boyfriends that hid the porn from you. Good on them for making you feel good. Bad on them for lying.

 

But this thread isnt about porn. Its about sociopaths who like to pretend they feel love.

 

I know several men who care nothing for porn. I know a few who think it is demeaning to women, which it is, plain and simple...those who disagree don't want to open their eyes to the truth because they are too busy enjoying the fantasy.

The best lover I ever had cared nothing for porn. Guys, read that line 10 times. Wow, he could kiss! He actually knew how! He felt it too--how great a kiss could be. He loved to hug, really close wonderful hugs. He was very intimate, and VERY honest.

I notice all the liars are porn addicts. The two personality traits seem to go together, I've seen it so many times I could write a dissertation on it.

 

The most pleasant men I've ever met in my life--friends, acquaintances, were of the personality that didn't care for porn.

What exactly is the connection there--something to do with valuing reality, honesty, and intimacy with women. Even if they have been only my friends, they were the males that I could relate to the most--that place where a woman's mind and a man's think alike--with neither sacrificing anything.

 

It is not ok to watch porn, but erase your "use" of it from your computer history. Men who do this really want to get out of monogamy. Why don't they just MAN UP and get out of monogamy?

And then there are the really pathetic women who say the stupiest things like--"I let my guy have his porn! I don't want him to cheat on me!"

oh wow. lol

All I can do is laugh at the people who have no idea of intimacy. They're clueless.

 

I think SOM is really trying here--there may even be hope for his relationship--kudos to you SOM for approaching this whole topic honestly and openly--we may get to your monogamous side, albeit currently buried, yet!

The real jerks are the ones who would never be honest about it at all...and they are the serial cheaters.

[tuquoque]

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[dreamingoftigers]

The only type of guy that I have ever known to not look at porn is the type that is actually recovering from porn addiction... and I have only ever known two. Beyond that, most guys look at porn to masturbate and most of them lie to their SO's about it.

 

Generally I would agree with you, but my ex was also a super-spiritual weirdo LOL

Very much a weirdo

[dreamingoftigers]

Please click one of the Quick Reply icons in the posts above to activate Quick Reply.

 

what are you trying to say?

[shadowofman]

I think SOM is really trying here--there may even be hope for his relationship--kudos to you SOM for approaching this whole topic honestly and openly--we may get to your monogamous side, albeit currently buried, yet!

The real jerks are the ones who would never be honest about it at all...and they are the serial cheaters.

 

Thank you YGG. I am trying. And I'm continuing to make mistakes. But I'm trying to stay honest also. This is not as simple as most believe it to be. I am choosing to love Tu over my own animalistic desires. And I'm fairly successful. My honestly is often too quick and blunt.

 

I need to work on my word choices.

I need to work on anticipating the degree of harm my actions cause.

But balancing this with things that I absolutely can not sacrifice for anyone.

It's not simple.

[FryFish]

He actually knew how! He felt it too--how great a kiss could be. He loved to hug, really close wonderful hugs. He was very intimate, and VERY honest.

That is exactly how my ex describes me. Oh and I look at porn.

 

All I can do is laugh at the people who have no idea of intimacy. They're clueless.

lol... you have deceived yourself ygg. Good luck with that.

[You Go Girl]

Let's get to the meat of this--pun intended?

what exactly is the thing you can't sacrifice for anyone?

[FryFish]

I am choosing to love Tu over my own animalistic desires.

Lol.... dude, love isnt a choice.. it IS an animalistic desire. It is something that sociopaths arent truly capable of. You are going to end up hurting this girl som... Let her go and find someone more like yourself.

[You Go Girl]

That is exactly how my ex describes me. Oh and I look at porn.

 

lol... you have deceived yourself ygg. Good luck with that.

 

No fryfish...haven't deceived myself one bit. Just because YOU can't imagine ever not looking at porn--doesn't mean that other men feel the same way. They are indeed a minority, but they definitely exist.

One very funny thing with the guys who look at porn--they just can't come to grips with that not all of them do.

I guess perhaps, they need to believe that to lessen their own guilt?

 

There's every combination of human personality traits imaginable on this planet. To blankly state that all men look at porn is self-serving.

[You Go Girl]

Lol.... dude, love isnt a choice.. it IS an animalistic desire. It is something that sociopaths arent truly capable of. You are going to end up hurting this girl som... Let her go and find someone more like yourself.

 

Wrong again.

For the more refined and advanced mind, conscious choice plays a big part in who they chose to love.

You vote for determinism. I vote for free will.

The first is destiny without choice, the latter a THINKING person's mind.

 

The sociopath comments need to go--they are a violation, so quit it.

[FryFish]

No fryfish...haven't deceived myself one bit. Just because YOU can't imagine ever not looking at porn--doesn't mean that other men feel the same way. They are indeed a minority, but they definitely exist.

One very funny thing with the guys who look at porn--they just can't come to grips with that not all of them do.

I guess perhaps, they need to believe that to lessen their own guilt?

laugh out loud funny. You see, ygg, if I felt guilty about it I would lie... just like your ex.(probably, I mean it POSSIBLE that you met and lost the "perfect" man but chances are better that you were deceived) The reason I dont lie is because I am not ashamed of who I am. I am a very sensitive lover/kisser/hugger. I form deep and real connections with my partners and I feel what they feel. I also jerk off to porn occasionally. The two activities are not related. Porn is a tool... nothing more. When I masturbate without porn I still create the images in my head... The only difference is effort.

 

To blankly state that all men look at porn is self-serving.

No, to pretend that your perfect ex didnt is self serving.

[dreamingoftigers]

No fryfish...haven't deceived myself one bit. Just because YOU can't imagine ever not looking at porn--doesn't mean that other men feel the same way. They are indeed a minority, but they definitely exist.

One very funny thing with the guys who look at porn--they just can't come to grips with that not all of them do.

I guess perhaps, they need to believe that to lessen their own guilt?

 

There's every combination of human personality traits imaginable on this planet. To blankly state that all men look at porn is self-serving.

 

I find this laughable too. EVERY guy does it! Have you met every guy and scanned his computer/checked his credit card statements? LOL

 

And yes most of them will kiss for a few seconds or a minute but my ex, he was the best kisser I ever had. no amount of talking to my H about how I would like to be kissed or for how long made any kind of impact because he "knew" waht he was doing from years of messing around and porn. The only thing that kept him somewhat in the running was the fact that he would go down on me okay.

 

I swear that stuff totally programs these guys which is partially why I suggest that SOM try just being with his GF for 3 months and see if he bonds to her a little better.

[FryFish]

Wrong again.

No. Im correct.

For the more refined and advanced mind, conscious choice plays a big part in who they chose to love.

No, only in who they choose to DISPLAY love for.

You vote for determinism. I vote for free will.

Did you choose to be straight?

The first is destiny without choice, the latter a THINKING person's mind.

It doesnt remove choice of action... The THINKING person would realize that love is an evolved trait and that we dont get to choose who our brains chemically bond us to... If you actually believe that you get to CHOOSE who you become infatuated with then you havent ever loved.

 

The sociopath comments need to go--they are a violation, so quit it.

I think Im hitting a nerve. And they are neither an insult nor a violation. Just an observation.

[dreamingoftigers]

laugh out loud funny. You see, ygg, if I felt guilty about it I would lie... just like your ex.(probably, I mean it POSSIBLE that you met and lost the "perfect" man but chances are better that you were deceived) The reason I dont lie is because I am not ashamed of who I am. I am a very sensitive lover/kisser/hugger. I form deep and real connections with my partners and I feel what they feel. I also jerk off to porn occasionally. The two activities are not related. Porn is a tool... nothing more. When I masturbate without porn I still create the images in my head... The only difference is effort.

 

No, to pretend that your perfect ex didnt is self serving.

 

 

My ex sure wasn't perfect, that's why we aren't together, but he did have one thing that I appreciated about him and that was it. He helped me raise my standard in that department. Maybe you should try it and see if it is any different before you slam YGG for "losing her perfect guy."

[FryFish]

Maybe you should try it and see if it is any different before you slam YGG for "losing her perfect guy."

lol. You assume I am an addict. I am the same person with or without porn. I know because I dont always have porn or the ability to get it. I still masturbate and I still fall in love.

 

and Im not saying that EVERY guy looks at porn... just every NORMAL guy.

[dreamingoftigers]

The THINKING person would realize that love is an evolved trait and that we dont get to choose who our brains chemically bond us to... If you actually believe that you get to CHOOSE who you become infatuated with then you havent ever loved.

 

 

Since I have been reading up a TON on sexual addiction I have discovered that you can play with your own human bonding hormone, so yes you do have some control on what happens to you sexually and how you will react. You can also retrain your brain to be attracted to certain things.

 

There are plenty of cases where people have become sexualized by hearing the start-up (etc.) sounds on their computer because their brain equates it with looking at porn.

 

Basically if you masturbated to your alarm clock every morning, eventually your brain would start to link this to being sexually arousing, then if you were to hear an alarm clock, you may find it very arousing. Weird but true.

 

Check out The Brain That Changes Itself. Fun book when talking about sexuality. I know that since going a year porn-free that it would not do for me what it used to do. It doesn't have the same hold on me. I think there are at least a few guys out there (even green on LS) that don't look at it.